Friday, August 8, 2008

We're moving....

I think it's time we (Me, Frank and our little blasts) move, blogger has been a wonderful home to us, it has been a place where I've shared my deepest secrets with all of you, all my hopes and my dreams....

But it's time, time for change.....

Please join us at our new site where we are hopeful that our hopes and drams will become a reality and that I as type this, our lives are changing for the best....

See you all there!!

Monday, August 4, 2008

A new chapter...

I'm 30 today....

Today marks the start of a new chapter in my life, I'm hoping that my little embies are implanting nicely in my waiting womb and that in 9 days time we get a positive Beta.

I'm feeling so much better than I was on Friday, in fact I felt better on Saturday already, I think that Friday was just too much and I had to get my head around it all before I felt better. I have to think that if they thought we could have a triplett pregnancy then something must be good, let's hope that Dr V is right about those little blasts, please God - let this be it!

I'm still feeling a bit detached for this whole process, I'm hopeful of-course but it all feels very strange. Abi is also keeping me busy so I suppose I don't really have the time to sit and obsess like I used to so it's so far so good.

The OHSS seems to be easing up a lot, i'm still a bit bloated but hardly have any pain anymore. Dr V still wants me to drink 4ltr of water a day for the next few weeks tho...which is a challenge but it's worth not having the pain.

I'm having a quiet day at home with little Abs, Frank had to work but we're going out for dinner tonight, I'm not having a a big 30th bash, i'm not in the mood so we just doing a quiet dinner on Friday night with some close friends.

Thank you all again for your kind words, you are all a great comfort to me and I love you all!

Friday, August 1, 2008

The other shoe...

Ever heard the expression "waiting for the other shoe to drop"?

That's what life has felt like for Frank and I over the past few weeks, things have gone so well and this may sound really "half-glass empty" but we've kinda been waiting for the other shoe to drop, well this morning, it came hurtling down!

Now please, please, please don't get me wrong. I am gratefull that we've made it this far, I know that many of you don't ever get this far let alone with your own eggs but bear with me here, some of what I am feeling is hormone related....

Yesterday's fert report said 13 embies, 7 looking, however was a different story. Dr V started off saying that he had a conversation at a conference once, it was about perfect day 3 embryo's being transferred but no pregnancy being achieved - the outcome was - grow the same embryo's to day 5 and see what happens. Now we know why no pregnancy was achieved with any of my other transfers....I have bad eggs.

Our embryo's are beautifull up until day 3 but today, today was a completely different story. 7 of the embies became blasts - which is good? No, they became awful quality blasts, the rest stayed alive and grew a few cells more but the fragmentation was very clear, not good embies at all. In fact the 9 cell that would have been a day 3 choice was terrible today...

There was one "excellent" (according to dr V & the embryologist) blast another two that could "make a baby" (their words, not mine) but weren't top class. That's it folks - 3 out of the 13 that were alive were transfer quality. I didn't mind not freezing any because we what we want to achieve is a pregnancy with a take home baby, not have embies in the freezer but we had to make a choice. Dr V was not happy transferring all 3, he said that considering my age and the fact that they were blasts, a triplet pregnancy could be on the cards, that means a high risk pregnancy.

Of-course my initial reaction was that I wanted all three transferred, Frank and Dr V disagreed - they won. We transferred the best two and the other was not freezing quality. I'm still wondering if we made the right decision, what happens if that one was "the one"? I know you girls get this, i'm feeling so uncertain.

Transfer went well, loads and loads of tears. Dr V says that should a pregnancy be achieved then the OHSS will flare up again but I can deal with that, I just want this to work. Acu afterwards helped me relax and now up off to the couch with little Abi.

Test is on 13.08.08.....

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Our rugby team...

According to Christina - we have a rugby team growing there! I couldn't be more pleased, today I was anxious - we've never gone beyond a three day before!!

This morning we have 7 that are looking wonderful and get this chickens - the other 6 are still growing too (no details on how many cells etc, we'll find that out in the morning) our little 13 are still going strong. Praise god!

On the OHSS front, I must say that I am feeling better today, not as sore but still bloated. Looks like the bedrest and lots of Abi-lovin' is paying off.

We have to be there tomorrow at 8....go my little ones, go!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Taking a chance...

We saw Dr V today, we went in to discuss our plans for our little embies.

The choice was - freeze half and grow the rest to 5 days. As of this morning (3 days past ER) there are 14 little ones still growing, to say that I am amazed is really and understatement of note! Of-course they are not all on par with is the breakdown:

1 x 9 cell
7 x 8 cell
3 x 6 cell
2 x 5 cell
1 x 4 cell

So as you can see, there are a few that they don't think will make 5 days and trying to pick which ones out of the 8 to freeze today was just madness, we've decided to take a chance and grow them all. Dr V is optimistic, he says the he thinks that we'll be able to get between 5 - 8 blasts out of this but obviously he's not putting that on paper!!

If we do end up with 5 blasts on transfer day then we'll put two back and "vitrify" the rest - a fancy procedure they do to freeze 5 day blasts, so we're happy.

I have a mild case of OHSS, i'm very bloated and very sore...DR V has put me on bedrest with at least 4ltr of fluid a day - this is why I am so late to update you all but I needed a break from the couch!!

Abi came back home last night, we are very happy to have her back home and she is just as pleased to be here. She still has some diarrhea but is eating well, she's also lost quite a bit of weight and you can see that she hasn't been well but hopefully she'll be back to normal soon!

Will update tomorrow, thanks for all the prayers chickens!!

Monday, July 28, 2008

Never in my life...

....did I imagine that this could happen, I am beside myself with joy!!

Out of 15 - we have 13 normal fertalisations, the other 2 have fertalised but aren't looking as good as the rest. According to Heather, they can catch up overnight and if they do then we'll have a 100% fert rate.

This is better than we could ever hope for, last time we had 16 eggs and from the very first day we were only left with 8 that had fertalised so today we were hoping for at least 10 - a nice shock!

I know it's early days but this feels good, all of a sudden I am filled with HOPE!

15 Eggs...

My retrieval was yesterday. This last week hasn't been easy what with little Abi, my IVF sort of took a back seat but yesterday morning as I was getting ready to go to Vitalab it hit me, all of a sudden things felt very real and I was quite scared.

It all went off without a hitch, I had to wait for two ladies who's blasts were hatching to have their transfer before me but I went in about 8:45. Dr V is lovely, I cannot thank that man enough for being so kind and caring, before I knew it I was fast asleep and waking up in the ward with hardly any pain at all.

Even my bladder co-operated for a change, I dozed on and off until just after 10, had a cup of tea and a pee and we were on our merry way. Dr V was very happy, we got 15 eggs and the sperm was perfect, I phone at 10 this morning for our first fert report.

After my ER we went to see little Abi who is still being kept by the vet, she's looking better but still not eating, I cried so when I held her. They say that she is looking a bit better this morning and hopefully she'll eat soon because as soon as she's eating again she can come home. Our house feels so empty without her and we both miss her soooo much!

My pain started about 4 yesterday, they said that I can take stil.pain (as many as I need) but I'm trying to cope without them (that is not going so well). I'm very bloated and moving around too much hurts but it was the same last time, the only difference is that I am back at work today....aaargh!

Will update with a fert report later...thanks once again for all your love and prayers!!

Friday, July 25, 2008

Trigger tonight...

Well girls, my scan today went well. Follies are looking happy and E2 is obviously pleasing to Dr V (didn't ask - trying not to obsess) so I trigger tonight at 8! Lining was nice and thick at 12mm, I don't think it's ever been that good!

ER will be Sunday and transfer should be Friday if all goes according to plan.

Had a very long night, Little Abi started vomiting again yesterday and the diarrhea is back, there's a lot of blood too. She refuses to eat still so has now not eaten for two days. I had her at the vet at 2am this morning so needless to say we haven't had much sleep! They've kept her and put her on a drip. I'm very sad and the house is so quiet without her but I know that it's probably the best thing for her as the other treatment didn't seem to be working.

My heart is aching for her and I just want her home and better. It's been a very trying week but we're hoping that it has a good ending.

Will update on Sunday, please keep up the prayers for us and little Abs...

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Day 9 stims...

My Day 9 scan didn't turn out as I thought it would, the way my ovaries feel I thought I would trigger tonight or tomorrow night but apparently that is not what they have in store for me.

Things are looking good with a count of 16 follies - about 8 on each ovary now (give or take as I have no idea how they make anything out!). My lining is 11.4mm which is good and I don't think that it'll get much thicker before trigger (last time it was 10.7mm at my last scan before trigger so I'm really happy with 11.4mm!). My right ovary has some 18mm and close to that and the left ovary is a bit behind with 15mm - 16mm follies, so the plan - so as not to lose out on the left hand follies is to stim for another 3 days (today, Thursday and Friday).

My next scan is Friday and then they'll probably cut my stims down for that day and then Saturday should be Trigger and ER on Monday - that's Dr V's plan but you know how these things go, it all depends on Friday's scan and my E2 results which were only 4287 today which sounds a bit low for all those follies but they say it's fine. I was a bit dissapointed because things are getting rather uncomfortable now but Dr V says that he prefers that I stim longer and slower - hopefully this way we'll get some good quality eggs!

I cried all the way to VL and all the way back, Frank wasn't with me as he had to stay with Abi. Abi is terribly sick at the moment, she has a bad gastric infection so she's vomiting and her tummy is running non-stop. We had her at the vet last night and they gave her 3 injections and then this morning again for another 2. I have to take her back again tonight for more and if she's still sick tomorrow then she'll have to have a drip. She's not eating and has a horrible fever so they worried about dehydration. My poor poor baby, I'm crying more about her than anything else but it doesn't help that my hormones are all over the place.

So, now I suppose we just wait and see....

Monday, July 21, 2008

Follie count...

Day 7 of stims revealed 12 follies ranging from 10mm to 14mm with a lining of 9.4mm.

The plan is another set of injections today and tomorrow and a scan on day 9, last time we did this, day 9 was my last stim day so we'll see what happens, I'm thinking trigger on Thursday or Friday this week and Retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. Things are moving really quickly now chickens!!

I'm grumpy, tired, bloated and quite sore - but this is par for the course for me by now. The headaches seem to have gottten better with the addition of the cetrotide yesterday. My goodness, the cetrotide is not a pleasant injection at all, the area stays red and nasty looking for about 2 hrs after the shot and leaves a horrible bruise. I have bruises everywhere on my tum now and it's not much fun at all. Don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining - this is not my favourite part of IVF but I'm glad that we have some follies on the go!

My E2 level was around 2000 yesterday, Heather said that it should double daily as we go (give or take), she said that they measure it to be around 700 per egg so we'll see what it's like on wednesday I suppose.

So far so good. It's finally starting to feel real, I'm still feeling really calm for now, Abi is a wonderful distraction and it's also easier once you know what to expect, that doesn't make me any less scared for Retrieval tho!!!

Friday, July 18, 2008

My update...

It's day 4 of stims and I went for accupuncture today, Dr Debbie said to keep on drinking lots of water to keep the headaches away but they don't seem to want to budge, she said that the area around the needle looks good and goes nice and red quickly which is good. She also says that it doesn't look like i'm that acidic anymore which is good too.

I need to go back the day before ER and then the day before transfer and straight after transfer. I do hope that this works, really I do...I'm starting to feel like a chicken without a head with all this running around.

On the stress front, I'm not feeling too bad at all actually. Little Abi is good at making the days go fast and keeping my mind off things. I think that we gonna have a few follies on Sunday as my ovaries are already starting to feel a bit strange, not sore but definately making their presence known!

I got some wonderful news today, you know who you are my friend and I love you guys with all my heart, I am so so happy for you!!

Carrie asked for updated pics of Abi, so here you go, how cute is her pink harness??:

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

I heart the F Pen!!

I'm so chuffed with myself, now I know that many of you can do this with your eyes closed but Frank has always given me my injections, but today I decided it was time to start doing them myself while Frank watched in amazement and said "geez, I didn't think you'd be able to do that yourself!" because you see, I'm a bit of a "wussy" =)

It wasn't bad at all, I love the pen - no mess, no fuss and the needle is a bit thiner and shorter too!! Thanks Jenna, I love you my sweet friend!!

From Friday I have to start using the mix it yourself kind, not looking forward to that, the mornings take me forever as it is what with mine and Franks to do and a little Abi who wants constant attention!

Who wouldn't want to use this:
Instead of this?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008


Whew...this has been quite a build up and I must say it's a relief to finally be doing this IVF!!

I went to Vita.lab for a scan this morning, i'm still bleeding quite a bit which Dr V doesn't understand as the pill is supposed to keep your lining thin, my lining was 3mm and there was still blood "in the cavity" as Dr V explained to the nurse but otherwise everything is quiet on the ovary front.

He's just come back from a conference in Spain and must have learnt something different because this morning he looked through my file and decided to "tweak" my protocol a bit, here'
s the plan:

Day 1 & 2 of stim ~ 225iu Gonal F
Day 3, 4, 5 of stim ~ 225iu Gonal F and 37.5iu Luveris
Day 6, 7, 8 & 9 of stim ~ Scan, 225iu Gonal F, 37.5iu Luveris & cetrotide
Day 10 ~ Possible trigger!!!!
Day 12 ~ Possible egg retrieval!!!!

There's some Anti-biotics somewhere inbetween for both Frank and I and of-course Frank is still on his injections so mixing them in the morning is gonna take me forever!

It's different but I think Dr V's onto something here, we're starting to feel a bit more positive, it doesn't really feel real yet. I had a bit of a cry on the way there this morning, feeling a bit overwhelmed I think but it's all good. We're ready so bring it on!!!

I know that I don't need to ask, but please keep us in your thoughts and prayers ~ we going to need all the help we can get here, please please please let this be it.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Okay, I'm ready already!!!

So here I am, twiddling my thumbs a bit impatiently because guess what....

Today was supposed to be day 1 of stims, yes...


Bloody AF (excuse the pun) decided to pitch up at 8 last night, despite threatening all day! Once she did arive she decided to give me a run for my money with the worst cramps I have had in a very long time, I couldn't get off the couch!! So Heather (my IVF co-ordinator) says that today is day 1 so I start shooting up tomorrow!!

I'm feeling more positive about this up-coming IVF as we get closer, I'm feeling awful physically with headaches everyday since I stopped BCP and terrible cramps but i'm sure I'll feel better soon. The lack of sleep with little Abi wanting to play at 3 in the morning is probably a contributing factor too....

Here's the latest pic of Abi, she's growing so much and changing everyday, still the cutest little thing ever!!

Friday, July 11, 2008

Here we go again....

Well folks, the results are in:

57 million per ml compared to 22million per ml
4% Morphology - up from 3% - they say that 4% is good and that morphology rarely gets any better than that?
35% Motility - only up 5% but we gonna try some Vit C and they also adding some medium to the spec jar next time which should help the boys swim better!
So all in all, we're happy. It's been an emotional morning, I'm relieved and scared at the same time, scared because now it's so real!

I took my last pill yesterday, now we wait for a breakthrough bleed and start stimms on day 2 which will most probably be Monday. So that means retrieval will be in about 2 weeks. Oh my word!!

Let's hope that this is the last one and that the lucky gonal f from sweet Bumble does the trick.

Buckle up because this time it's for real, here we go again!!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

We're back....

We're back home with Abi, she is the most adorable little thing I have ever seen. She's a fiesty little thing too but so so lovable at the same time. She loves being held and comes and climbs on me when she's tired, it's the sweetest thing!! She has brought so much joy to our lives and we're constantly laughing at the silly things she does, just too precious for words!!
It's been tiring, she's still really small but we're gettting there. She's already been to the vet with a runny nose and tummy, her food is making her tummy run and she has a bit of a cold - from the temp change between her and KZN I suppose!!
Here's some latest pics...

Still teenee, tiny!! Smaller than we thought she'd be!

In other news, it's a week until Frank's SA. We ready but scared at the same time, it's been hard - Frank has been feeling really down lately - I think it's from the Meno.pur but hopefully he only has about 10 more shots to go!! Roll on IVF, we're ready for ya!!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Abi @ 6 weeks!!

Here's the latest pic of little Abi, she is just so adorable!!

I can't wait to fetch her tomorrow and give her loads of love!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Introducing Little Abigail...

Things didn't work out as planned - for a change they actually worked out better!!

Abi was supposed to come from the litter that was born yesterday but unfortunately there were only 4 pups born with only one of them being a little girl. She was apparently very small and the vet wasn't sure that she was going to make it. The breeder that we are getting Abigail from had another litter 5 weeks ago and she's managed to book one of her little ones for us!!

So, we've decided to take a weeks leave (since we need to fetch her in Westville, KZN) and spend the week in Ballito with her!! It will give us time to "bond" and spend some time with her, it will also give us a much needed break....we're both very excited!!!

Isn't she just too precious for words!!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Getting there...

We are 3 Meno.pur down, 11 more to go until Frank's repeat SA and so far so good!

I am happy to report that there haven't been any nasty side effects, it's wierd having your husband on hormones! He is a bit more outspoken and easily annoyed but nothing I can't handle....

It's been a wierd transition, it's taken some time to come to terms with not doing IVF straight away, I find myself thinking about how far i'd be on my stimms and the fact that I would be having my ER this week already but that I think it's very normal to feel a bit cheated. It's hard trying to prepare yourself for something only for it not to happen...

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately, trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings, trying to start the healing process. My friendships have unfortunately taken a back seat and I'm not quite sure that everyone understands exactly what it is that is happening, I know that some wont understand and that some will, I do worry about the frienships that can't be fixed, the ones that wont survive me finding myself again.

I know i'm cutting myself off, I haven't spoken to my family in the last 2 weeks - I've told them that I need time to deal with everything, time to deal with this cross that is mine to bare....they don't understand either, I think they think that I'm being selfish by not helping them deal with their issues because this is something that I have never done. I've always been there and while it was for them, it was just so bad for me. I'm taking a time out people, I'm taking time to concentrate on Frank and I, on our hopes and dreams and those that want to understand and be patient are very welcome to come along for the ride.

I have lots to look forward to, my little Abigail will be born any day now! Abigail will be our first pet - a little english I will get her the week before my 30th birthday, I can't tell you how excited we are!!! We've been waiting for her for a while now, we found a breeder about a month ago who told us that they were expecting a litter and so we have been waiting, i'll get her when she's about six weeks old....

Frank's SA will be done at the end of the 5th week of his treatment, so for now i'll stay on BCP. When this pack is finished I'll start taking the active pills on the next pack and skip the withdrawel bleed so that I can stop them at any time. If the SA results come back better then I'll stop BCP and start stimms. Frank will stay on the Meno.pur until my ER - if all works out then I should have my transfer the week before my 30th birthday too, so at least I'll have little Abi to keep me company during my 2ww, that should help keep me calm!!

So all in all, we're getting there.....slowly but surely....

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Another bump in the road....

Okay, so now we have a real reason for waiting - not just that gut feel!

Dr V phoned me yesterday after I'd sent him a mail to tell him that we had decided to wait. He says that Frank's FSH is way too low. So, get this....they putting him on menopur injections!!!

He starts tomorrow, 75iu every Monday, Wednesday & Friday for 6 weeks, this means another 2 rounds of BCP for me instead of just one but what can you do? Apparently the menopur should make his FSH higher and therefore improve his count, morphology and hopefully quality of the sperm.

I'll schedule my BCP to end on the same day that he finishes the menopur and then we'll start stimms straight away. They'll probably do another SA at the end of it too, just to make sure that the treatment has worked, maybe another FSH test too.

Dr V said that he looked back on Frank's bloods that he had for our IVF and his FSH was low then already so something should have been done before we did our IVF, so I must say that I am a bit pissed that someone missed this but it's water under the bridge now. Now we have a possible reason for our embies not taking as sperm quality definately has an impact on whether an embryo makes it to a baby or not.

Initially Frank was okay with the treatment, until he read up on all the side effects menopur can have on men, one of the side effects is breast enlargement, he has said that should this happen, he's stopping treatment - I do understand but geez, men can be difficult! I'll mail Dr V again and just raise Frank's concerns but I do think that it's really rare and that it could happen if you were on it for too long and maybe higher dosages. I do hope that the side effects are minimal could be a really long six weeks!!

It's costing us quite a bit, almost half of what my stimms would cost if I was doing IVF now, so really not a nice surprise at all but hopefully this is what we need to do the trick....we're a bit tired of all these bumps in the road but what can you do. You live.....and learn.

Monday, June 9, 2008

....And the fun never stops!

Today is CD2 and so today is the day I should start stimms....yes....well,

We have decided to put our IVF on hold. Not an easy decision to make at all, because this was all our decision. VL are telling us that things should be fine, we aren't so convinced. For once in my life i'm going with my gut feel and my gut feel tells me that I need to wait.

Frank's SA came back fine (according to the lovely Dr V) - his count was 22mil per ml (they are looking for anything over 20mil), morphology was 3% and motility at 30%, Dr V wasn't too thrilled about the motility (they prefer it to be 50% or above) and said that something called a "wet prep" was in order just to double check it. He also wanted Frank's FSH re-tested. So on saturday I went into VL to fetch my hubby a speciman jar for this morning, while I was there I sat with our co-ordinator and went thru the last SA.

Our last SA was as follows: 119ml per ml, 6% morphology and 50% motility - big change.

I went home to chat to Frank, I wasn't happy with the drastic change and neither was he and so we came to the conclusion that staying on birth control for another month (or two) might not be a bad thing in order to let the boys recover a bit because it's quite obvious that the infection and fever affected them. So going with the figures made it easy to decide, there is a lot on the line here, should we have gone into it without reconsidering and it failed, we would have blamed the poor SA and we would have worried about every FET we did after that. This way, we are trying to give ourselves a better shot....

Unfortunately things are always cut and dry, today I feel unsure, I second guess our decision - it's hard leading up to something and then having to wait. It's also hard that we are the ones the have made this decision, while our clinic keeps on telling us that this sperm is good enough for IVF. I'm not in a good place as it is, it would have been easier for me to deal with (emotionally) if we were told to wait. For a change, i'm letting logic win and not my emotions.

We're doing the right thing here, please tell me we are. Tell me that you would do this too, I have to keep on reminding myself that this is the right thing to do, it doesn't make sense to do it until we have better sperm....having it fail is far worse than waiting a month or two, there's too much to think about here.

I'm also all over the place with everything else that's happening in my life and so maybe this is a blessing in disguise. As sweet Sam put it yesterday - maybe this is god's way of giving me time to deal with my folks splitting up.

So, there you have it, another month of BCP, sorry for getting you all excited for nothing!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


Can’t believe it’s over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were cryin'

Summer turned to winter
And the snow, it turned to rain
Then the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

Cuz you are not alone
I’m always there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
When you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe you’re not lost

When your world’s crashing down
And you can’t bear the thought
I said babe you’re not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you’ve gone crazy
But you’re not
Though things have seemed to change
There’s one thing that’s still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away

Cuz you are not alone
I am there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
When you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe you’re not lost

When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said baby you’re not lost

Mmmm yeah yeah, yeah yeah,
I said baby you’re not lost.
I said baby you’re not lost.
Oh yeah, yeah
I said baby you’re not lost.

With just days left to go on BCP, everything feels almost surreal. I have booked Frank’s SA for Friday so they should get back to us on Friday afternoon as to whether we carry on with this cycle or not.

I’m still feeling positive, I’m ready for this now and I pray daily that Frank’s SA comes back fine. While I'm so looking forward to this IVF, my life is in shambles, I feel so lost….everytime I hear this song, I cry…I am so thankful for my husband who is the only one that keeps me sane when I feel like my world is falling apart.

It’s the same old story, my folks have split up after 35 years of marriage and try as I might, I am always stuck in the middle. I haven’t even told them that I’m doing IVF right now, I can’t cope with them or their pity. It’s really hard, I’ve never had the best relationship with them anyway because somehow, they always manage to turn my world upside down instead of making things better.

Frank thinks that I need time and that we should put our IVF off as he’s worried about how I’m going to cope with the stress, I don’t want to. The only thing that will stop me is if Frank’s SA results come back dodgy (which they wont).

As things stand, life goes on and I keep popping BCP and looking forward, knowing that I am not lost.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Let's get this ball rolling...

I can't tell you how excited I am, I started BCP today!

My CD3 scan at Vitalab went well, Dr G counted about 10 antral follies in total, it was a quick spin on the wand so i'm sure there will be more follies to stimm with but i'll be happy with 10 too, I've come to the conclusion that more is not always better anyway!

I started Min.ulette today...feels strange popping BCP again but i have to remind myself that this is for a good cause. I'm feeling so good about this cycle, Frank is not as eager but I think that it's because he's worried about his SA. We are planning on going away for a long weekend in June so our IVF has been moved around a's the timeline:

20 May - Start BCP - done
6 June - Last BCP & Frank SA
10 June - Breakthrough bleed (hopefully)
11 June - Start Stimms
19 June - Last Stimm
20 June - Trigger
22 June - Retrieval
27 June - Transfer of blasts!!

This obviously is not written in stone and could change, starting stimms is subject to Frank's SA being good, Dr G is positive that it will be fine but like always - time will tell.

It really looks wierd when I put it down on paper, in just over a month I'll be a doing a transfer, whew! I'm only on BCP for 18 days this time which was nice of Dr G to try and accomodate our weekend away but it will also depends on when stimms start because I'll need to start cetro.tide on about day 5 or 6 of stimms...

So that's it people, here we go again....this ball is a little rusty but it's starting to roll!!

Tuesday, May 6, 2008


My appointment with Dr V went *okay* today, he did a scan and lo and behold, I've ovulated!

Heaven only know's what's happening with my body, temp is still low so the first time in 3 years taking my temp has not been accurate! The good news is that all the pain on my right hand side hasn't been for nothing, I ovulated from that side this month - first time in history - Thank you Dr Debbie!!

They did a progesterone and oestrogen test to make sure and to hopefully give me a little input on when to expect AF so I'm not totally surprised. My lining was 8.7mm which is okay but could be better I suppose but at least it's over 7mm!

Frank's news wasn't as good as mine. According to Dr V men that have temps from 38.0 and upwards have a 50/50 chance of the sperm being damaged and if Frank falls under the bad side of the 50/50 chance then it could take up to 6 months for it to recover. Not. Good. News :(

So, all is not lost and it's still a waiting game. The plan is to start BCP on day 3 of my next cycle, Frank will go for a SA on day 18 or 19 of me being on BCP and we'll go from there. If the sperm is fine then at least I'll already have almost completed my BCP and I can start stimms, if not then it'll be the same procedure every month until the sperm is fine. I'm not sure I like the idea of staying on BCP for more than a month but I need to try and take this one step at a time now and just wait and see.

I'm waiting for Dr V to contact me re the blood tests and will ask him if getting Frank on supplements will help. He hasn't been on anything except a mulit-vitamin and Vit C as we never really had any sperm problems.

So for now we wait and pray that we are on the other side of the statistics for once, it's hard to keep the faith when everything keeps on letting you down. F*%$ you, Murphy!

Monday, May 5, 2008

Lessons in infertility!

So girls, this has finally gotten the better of me....

I woke up this morning and took my temp, I was so sure that I ovulated yesterday since my EWCM has turned creamy and my boobs are killing me, they are just so sore it's not funny....anyway, temp is stuck at 36.4 - definately no ovulation to speak of there!

I mailed Dr V about Franks fever and how it would affect his sperm for our IVF and I told him about my strange 22 day cycle last month and my no ovulation this month.....his reply:

Dear Tammy,
Please come in for a scan, we'll discuss the semen etc during the scan....

Mmmmm, so i'm going in bright and early for a swing on the dildocam....wish me luck, I'm quite scared now that there's something wrong, maybe I should have seen them earlier....lesson # 2567 in infertility!

Saturday, May 3, 2008


Well it seems that Murphy just couldn't resist the urge to ruin my fun! Frank has been awfully sick the past few days, he's had a fever ranging from 38C to 39.3C for two days!

We went to the dr after the first night that we couldn't break his temp, I've never seen him so sick before, she did some blood test and came back saying that it's a bacterial infection of some sort. The poor man, his fever kept on spiking - it would shoot up, stay up for an hour and break and then the same thing would happen. This went on for two days but now it seems that we've finally managed to get it under control and the antibiotics are finally starting to kick in! I'm worried because he's not really eating and everything that goes in comes out, it's really quite frightening but I'm trying to stop him from getting dehydrated by making sure he's getting lots of fluids.

It does seem like he's finally on the mend but obviously the fever that he had for two days puts a bit of a spanner in the works when it comes to planning our IVF. It's been a year now since our first IVF so I pressume they'd want to do another SA anyway to make sure that all the boys are still doing okay. I'm worried tho that the fever that he's had now will affect our IVF in two months time - any ideas?

I think that I'll mail Dr. V and ask him what he thinks, I know it takes 72 days for sperm to grow and mature so hopefully the fever wouldn't have affected the sperm that was already maturing because if things work out right, we'll need his "contribution" in about 54 days....

Murphy, you mo-fo!

In other news, if any of you have seen the O fairy of late, please send her my way once you finished with her! I'm on CD16 today, temp still low but have had EWCM for the last 3 days so hoepefully somethings gonna happen soon. Frank and I have had to make peace with the fact that there will be no trying on our own this month since he is man down, I'm okay with that would have been nice if by some chance we could have done this ourselves but hey, IVF it is because I'm not putting this off any longer!!

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Dr Debbie...

My appointment with Dr Debbie was wonderful! I went to go and see her last week friday, it's so nice and refreshing to talk to someone that knows the in's and out's of infertility treatment! I gave her a brief history of how many cycles we've done and how I responded to IVF etc, I told her that I was on Agnes which she said that she wanted me to stop straight away as she doesn't wanting it interfering with my up-coming IVF.

We went into the room and she checked my tongue, she asked if my periods were normally quite light, if I got dizzy often and if my hands and feet were always cold, I said yes. She checked a few other things and told me that my kidney Qi (chi) is blocked and that that definately affects fertility (in chinese medicine terms) and that I don't have enough blood flow going through my body, hence the light headedness etc - so this could be part of the problem when it comes to my embies implanting!

She said to carry on eating healthily and to make sure I keep up the excercise. She said that I need to do something I enjoy on the other 4 days that I am not gyming, something creative because in chinese medicine, they believe that you cannot create life if you aren't creative....mmmmm, I used to do a few things but haven't for the last couple of months, maybe it's time to start being creative again.

She started putting the needles the time she was finished I had between 25 & 30 needles in me! I had in the top of my head, my tummy, my arms and hands, my legs and my feet...

She told me to imagine orange and red, these are your sacral and base chakra's - she then turned off the light and put some soft music on, very different to Dr P's visits! I felt so calm and relaxed, i tried to picture red and orange and it was okay but the colour I saw the most was green. Dr debbie returned to turn the needles and left me a little while longer, when she came back she asked about the colours and I told her that I was having trouble with the orange and red but that I did see green. She says that green is healing and that she can sense that I am very appointment with her was very surreal, there's lots more to tell but I'll leave that for my next post, I don't want this post to go on forever...

So, she's given me some tabs to get the blood flowing a bit better and says that she wants to see me every two weeks until I start stimms. Right now, Frank and I are still trying to figure out what on earth my body is doing, I'm still getting getting some cramping, my cycle is a bit screwy and i'm still getting daily headaches but am trying to stay calm and just hope that my body sorts itself out soon because I'm starting to get excited about starting BCP for our next IVF!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Winds of change....

And so we’ve made the decision to leave Dr P. I’m seeing a new lady on Friday this week, Dr Debbie. I have heard only good things about her so I am quite excited!!

I’m a bit sad to leave Dr P, he did a lot of good for me. I am still following the eating plan he gave me because it’s easy and it can become a way of life. I’m also still losing weight, I’m now on my 7th kg since the beginning of Feb, of-course I’m still gyming 3 times a week so that helps too. It was not an easy decision to make but my last cycle and my conversation with him on Friday helped me make up my mind.

As you all know, I started bleeding on day 23 of my cycle. This had never happened before, even when I was doing a stim cycle and was triggered the shortest cycle I had was 26 days. Now I know that it’s only 3 days but that would mean that I ovulated on CD 8 or 9 apposed to my normal CD 14 to 17 (CD11 on only two cycles in 38 cycles off BCP).

So I phoned Dr P because I wanted his opinion, now I’m not so sure if I like what he said. He started off saying that it wasn’t good and I agreed, he went on to ask about my last period. I told him that I only bled for one day with about 5 days of spotting which isn’t normal but I had spoken to him about it before we started acupuncture last cycle and he said it was okay. He then goes on to say that he thinks I might have been pregnant and that I’m having a miscarriage!

I was floored, really not what I expected at all! So I asked what I should do and he said that I must come back on day 8 and we’ll start again. And that ladies was that, I was in such shock that I didn’t know what to say so I said….”oh, okay”

Frank wasn’t home at the time, I cried a bit and then tried to work out how far I would have been. 7w2days. I read up on what a miscarriage would be like at that stage, I read up on how I couldn’t have known that I might have been pregnant. I didn’t really find any answers.

I don’t want to believe that I am having a miscarriage, Frank seems to think that it makes perfect sense. I’ve really come off the rails in the past few weeks, have had a terrible time emotionally, I’ve had the flu and have been having problems with my blood pressure because it was too low and I was constantly dizzy, I asked Dr P what was going on and he gave me some herbs for my blood pressure, I’ve had sore breasts but they are constantly sore on the agnes.

Surely I should have known?

I would be nice to think that after 3 years of trying, we got it right naturally but now I will never know. We could have gone to Vita.lab and had some beta’s done but Frank seems to think that it wouldn’t be in my best interest to watch beta numbers drop right now but then again, it also could have confirmed that I was never pregnant and that now just before we start another IVF my body is playing silly buggers!

I was also worried that if I was pregnant that I would blame myself for not knowing and for not being on progesterone to protect my little one and help it grow. I’m just not in the right frame of mind for this right now.

I spoke to my most favourite person, Bumble on Sunday and she helped me a lot. She has a way of putting things into perspective. I love you dearly my friend and thank you for always being there for me.

I haven’t cried again, Frank is concerned that I’m not dealing with this but the problem is that I don’t know what to think. I’m sad for what might have been but how do you deal with it when you not sure it was there in the first place. I’m still bleeding, I’ve had quite a bit of cramping and headaches but every day gets better and now, only time will tell. We haven't discussed this with many people, we've told close family and friends and they understand that we don't want to make a huge deal out of this because we don't know what really happened, they know if we need to talk and they'll be there but they'll understand if we don't want to too.

We planning on starting BCP as soon as this cycle is over, we’ll do acupuncture and give it a go naturally again this month but if all else fails I should start BCP before the end of May. Sweet Bumble sent me some precious Gonal F, a brand new pen left over from her IVF with little Embie, I’m hoping that it has the same affect on me as did on her, so here’s to our next few months and putting the past behind us.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Oh cr@p!

Dear Aunt Flo.....

Thanks (not) for showing up on CD23 and confusing me even more, I'm sure our breakfast date was only scheduled for a weeks time but maybe I was mistaken? I was actually doing okay without you and really felt that a visit from you wouldn't be in my best interest no matter how concerned (haha) you may be for me!!

Please go away soon!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'm writing my own story...

It’s been a long few weeks, instead of things getting better like they normally do, things just got worse. I can’t remember being in a place like this, I think I have before but this time I’m not sure how to get out of it. It’s all very strange really.

It started at a family event, things went wrong somehow and too many things were done and said – from there it was like a downward spiral, everything that I have not wanted to think about made its way into my head and my life. It happened at a particularly bad time too, a time when I wasn’t feeling the best anyway because my 3rd cycle with Dr P was becoming a reality and hormones were flaring.

I’m not going to go into details, a lot of what I have dealt with in the past has come back, feelings that I don’t understand. Feelings that made me question my wanting to be a mother, thoughts that maybe, just maybe my IF is a way to telling me that I shouldn’t be a mother.

At first I thought that I was just feeling sensitive because it has been a long road, life has never really been easy for me and that is just one of the reasons that I love my husband as much as I do, he has saved me from all of it, made sense of a life that never really made any sense up until I found him. But the feelings and thoughts never went away, I became more and more anxious and confused so I decided to go and see a counselor about it, he helped me….I know that counseling works because I have been down this road before, before I even know that IF would enter my life.

But in helping me, he has turned my world upside down, making what I have believed for a long time make no sense at all. He has given me a different way of looking at things and that changes a lot for me, in fact it changes everything. So right now, I am in a state of utter confusion, confused because nothing makes any sense to me anymore. The only thing that makes sense right now is Frank and our love for each other.

I know that I am meant to be a mother, I know that deep down inside I haven’t done anything to deserve this and I know that IF isn’t just life’s way of punishing me for never understanding one of the simplest things in life, the bond that a mother and child should have.

I know that all of this sounds very confusing and it’s my way of getting some of it out without saying everything. I am trying my hardest to work through it all, I have decided that life is not always cut and dry, there are not hard and fast rules for how things are supposed to be, everyone gets to write their own story and to make it what they want it to be, I am in the process of writing my story and all I know it that in the end I will be a mother and I will leave IF and everything else that has been hard on this journey behind us.

We have decided to start IVF in June, I will be starting BCP then so my stim cycle will be at the end of June/early July. I need to take some time to work through the rest of it, to come to terms with everything that hasn’t been dealt with and to finally make sense of my life.

That is were I am right now, I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for a lot of you and I wish all of you that are in the middle of cycles all the best!

Thursday, March 27, 2008


So...the storm after the calm hit me yesterday, quite unexpectedly. Not to say I didn't expect it, I expected it eventually but not so soon.
I've been plodding along, minding my own business when all of a sudden I hit a wall. It started on Tuesday, I was feeling a bit off - it was then that I knew that AF was on her merry way. I felt very tearful and scared, had a very bad case of PMS.

So yesterday morning when I woke up, I didn't feel much better, I got dressed...thought about AF and packed my goodies in my handbag just in-case but hoping against all hope that I wouldn't need them and that soon I would see those 2 lines. I wasn't at work long and AF appeared and all I wanted to do is run and hide, run and hide from my life.

It hit me so hard, I phoned Frank to tell him and he said "oh well, we'll just try again" and normally I would love him for being so optimistic but that's just not what I wanted to hear, i'm still not sure what I wanted him to say and I think that it doesn't really matter either because at that moment in time, nothing would have helped.

My mind was reeling, going crazy trying to figure out why I wasn't okay anymore, thoughts of what to do next made me feel even worse. At one point my only thought was going for a day 2 scan and starting BCP for my next IVF and then wondering whether month 3 with Dr P would do the trick. You see, I have always been like this - I choose to believe in the treatment that I am doing whole heartedly BUT when i've given it fair chance and I don't get results, the I lose faith and want to move on to the next thing.

One of my close friends at work came to ask if I was okay, I told her that I wasn't and I wasn't sure what to do, I told her exactly how I felt and what my options were. Now, she has been there with me all along on this journey, she has a child of her own and conceived within the first month of going off the pill but has never once judged me, she has always tried to walk in my shoes and I love her dearly for that. She told me in no un-certain terms to pull myself together and that I should just follow "the plan", she said that I have all the time in the world and that waiting another one or two months is not going to kill me, infact all it's going to do is improve my chances of conceiving with IVF. She also told me that if I start IVF now and it doesn't work then I'm going to look back and wonder if I should have given my body some more time.

I must admit that some of what she said wasn't easy to hear, we (infertiles) tend to get our backs up when fertile people try and give us advice (no matter how good the friendship is) but when I thought about everything she was saying, I had to agree that she was right. I still felt very sorry for myself but I needed to hear everything that she said to me.

Today is a better day, I still feel a bit sad but I'm on the mend. Frank agrees too that we aren't ready yet, we'll give it some more time. This month is supposed to be my last month on treatment with Dr P, "the plan" was to start BCP in May but like I have said before...that will mean that this cycle will fall on the same time as my first IVF, it feels like a bad omen to me, please tell me what you think.....tell me if you think it's daft to use that as an excuse.

So for now I carry on with my eating plan and excercise, carry on with my Agnus and acupuncture and decide what to do when I need to.....and try desperately to find peace again.

To those of you who commented on my last post, I am truly sorry if any of you were hurt by it and I wanted to let you all know that wherever you are in your journey, I pray for peace for you all everyday....

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Fighting the fight....

I know i'm a bad little blogger, there isn't really that much news on my side anymore, I find that there's really not much to say these days, when you not cycling and by "cycling" I mean doing serious treatment like IVF then there's really no fuss, you don't symptom watch like you used to, you don't blog about every twitch and altho I am actually doing something productive to try and fall pregnant, I feel like i'm not because of how down played it is but this might very well be the way I fall pregnant, but how come there isn't a fuss?

It's wierd, we seem to change the way we react to everything the further we walk down this road, it's feels like we stop believing eventually and because everyone moves on except us, we feel different about fighting the fight. Sweet JJ's post made the way I've been feeling lately very real, I feel left behind - there's really no other way to put it. So many of you have moved on and I know that your lives are different now and I know it's not intentional but I do know that only a few of you still check this blog - I'm not complaining, I remind my hubby all the time that people change, that life changes and that people move on. Some of you don't want to think about fighting the fight anymore and quite truthfully, I don't blame you, I can't judge because I don't know how it feels to be "on the otherside".

I'm in a good enough place to deal with this now, I'm taking it one day at a time and like I've said before...i'm thinking of delaying my IVF, I have various reasons for doing this:
  1. I feel good about the treatment I'm doing, maybe it's for selfish reasons, I'm enjoying having my body finally react in the way I want it to - a control thing maybe??
  2. Frank and I have really connected lately, we're happy with just "us" for a change, you never really understand the affect IF has on you until you not doing major treatment anymore
  3. I'm scared of starting again, I know we'll get through another IVF in one peace but I don't think that my heart is ready to take another failed IVF, I know that's not the right way to think about it because I should think that it could end in a BFP but i'm not there yet
  4. Don't laugh, but starting BCP in May would mean that this IVF would be exactly the same time as my first one last year, out by a few days i'm sure and maybe this is non-sense but I don't want to jinx it, I'm scared of the same result because it's the same time :o/
  5. When i'm not doing major treatments, it's almost easy to pretend that the past three years has not been my life, i'm in a place now that I can't understand, I'm baffled over my denial and while I know it will pass and I should enjoy it, it does concern me because I can feel the shift happening and i'm letting go, it truly scares me....

And while I miss all of you, all of you that have moved on...I know that part of it is for your own good, sanity perhaps? I think about you always and still check in on you and your precious bundles and pray for peace for all of you.

I hope that this post hasn't offended any of you because I know having a baby doesn't make you not infertile anymore and it doesn't take the pain of what you went through dissapear, all i'm trying to do here is tell you all that it's okay, I do understand and like's time for a new circle....I know that those of us still fighting the fight will all be on the otherside of this one day and my dear dear friends, I can't wait!

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

3rd time Lucky?

Sigh….that was soo nice, we had such a good break. I’m back and feeling so much better, calm, relaxed and re-energised!! So, I’m sure you thinking that it’s a good thing because now I have renewed strength to fight the fight, yes….but no.

The way I feel now, I’m tired of fighting the fight….it’s not that I’m burnt out or in a bad place, it happens to be that I am in a good place right now. For now, I have decided that I want to enjoy life again, for now….I want to be with my husband and love him the way he’s meant to be loved, for now….I feel complete and I don’t feel broken anymore. For now, I am at peace and I’m finding this a really good place to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want a baby very much and I am still following Dr. P’s treatment religiously and hoping for a nice surprise and for now, that is enough.

A strange calm has come over me, so much in fact that my husband is wondering where his wife went and is probably expecting her back any minute but I hope she stays away for a while because she is not who she used to be, (in)fertility has changed her in ways that she can’t explain, she needs me to be where I am right now, she is trying to discover her old self again….I hope she get’s it right!

Nothing major has changed, there wasn’t some miracle that made me see the error of my ways, Frank and I had such a great time away and something in me clicked, this little voice told me that it was okay to be happy, okay to feel complete, okay to just be the two of us for a little while longer.

My last cycle ended with af arriving the day we went on holiday, I was okay with that, a little annoyed at the fact the it had to be then but I wasn’t upset, doing treatment with Dr P has lessened the pressure quite a bit and to start off with, I was not sure that it would be the right treatment for me, not aggressive enough but as it turns out, it was the best thing for us. I started off saying that I’d see if I could do the whole three months but doubted it and today, I can tell you that I’m willing to do this for a lot longer than expected. The thought of another fresh IVF makes me cringe, I can’t imagine doing another one any time soon and it’s strange to think that I thought I was so ready for it. Of-course, I’ve just come back from holiday, I feel different at the moment and that may also change but I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt here and also won’t be hard on myself if I change my mind.

I’m doing a different diet now, one that is supposed to control can.dida. Apparently can.dida (in your gut) can cause acidity in your body but most importantly the closest thing to your gut which is your uterus. So for now, I’m following the after detox diet with the exception of fruit, fruit juices and any sugar what so ever. Sugar in any shape or form makes can.dida worse, so for 3 weeks that’s what I will be doing and then I’ll add certain fruits gradually. I’m on CD14 today so I had acupuncture on CD 10 & 12 and I’ll be in my 2ww soon.

Frank and I had a wonderful anniversary, it’s been 3 very good years, I love that man more and more as the years go by. It has also been three long years in terms of our struggles to conceive our first child, this year has a lot of three’s in it for us….we’ve been married for three years, Frank just turned 33, I am 30 this year and will we do a 3rd IVF? – only time will tell….hopefully all these three’s mean something good, what is it they say about 3rd time lucky?? I hope so.

Here’s some pics of Frank and I on our anniversary and of the view we had from our bedroom on holiday…..

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

1 year Blogaversary!!

It’s been a year since I started this blog, can you believe it? Because I sure can’t.

A year ago I was in a very different place to where I am now, we had just finished our second IUI, it had failed (of-course) and I was devastated and in a very bad place. We went for counseling with me saying that I didn’t want to do this IUI shit anymore and with Frank and Dr J telling me to “just try one more” before moving onto IVF…sigh

As you all know, I caved and did IUI # 3 in April and it failed as I thought it would. It seems like a world away, I can’t believe that since then time has passed so quickly, it feels like I have been taking a break more than I have been doing fertility treatments, since starting this blog I have only done one IUI, one fresh IVF and an FET, I really can’t believe that, this last year has felt so hard and I am so tired. I remember this last year so differently, only doing three treatments sounds/feels like I’m down playing things a bit here, I remember the months in-between, I remember how hard they were and I remember the reasons I needed to stop for a while, this last year brings many un-happy memories for me and Frank, it’s a year that we are trying desperately to put behind us, it’s a year that has done so much damage and given us so much heartache.

We are different people now, we still have hope and a love that’s stronger than ever before, a better understanding of many things but also utter confusion as to why we even need to still be walking this road. We have high hopes for this year, a belief that things will change soon and that this will be our year.

Blogland has taught me so much, I have watched many of you grow and become different people, watched some of you achieve pregnancies and have live babies and have formed some wonderful friendships. Girls, I am really thankful for every single one of you, without you guys I know that this road would have been a lot harder and very lonely, you have all helped me through some really rough times and I love you all for that, so thank you for helping me get through this journey. I look forward to what happens next for all of us!!

I was speaking to sweet Bumble yesterday and she said something that really stuck a chord with me, she said “Tam, every minute extra that you wait for you baby is so worth it” I have always worried about that, always wondered if the damage done by IF could ever be healed, if we ever get over the pain. Bumble says that little Emma has healed her, I can’t wait to be healed by my little soul, I pray that that will be soon.

I am 8DPO today, feeling fine except for a cold coming on. I have lost 12.5cm in the last 4 weeks, some of this is thanks to the detox and the rest I suppose is from gyming 3 times a week. I am feeling so much better, am starting to fit into my smaller clothes now and generally feeling much healthier. I am really starting to get sick of this diet tho, in fact I’ve been really grumpy the last few days, I just want to eat normal food!! By tomorrow, I will have been doing this for 4 weeks, 4 weeks is a long time!! I really hope that this is making a difference and that it will make my womb more welcoming!!

Having been told that my body is the problem and that my womb is un-welcoming has become a problem for me, so much so that I am scared to put anything bad/other than the diet in my mouth, I keep on thinking that if I do something wrong then maybe this wont work, which is just absurd, I know that but you know how things like this can play on your mind. Dr P has told me that it’s up to me to change my body by eating correctly and so I’m being hard on myself and I don’t like that way that it’s making me feel :o( I will chat to the doc about this when I go get more drops.

Other than that, Frank and I are taking a 10 day holiday, I can’t wait, we’ll be away for our 3 year anniversary which I plan to make different from last year and concentrate how much we love eachother and not how childless we are. The plan is to leave next week Wednesday, AF will be due the following day and hopefully we’ll be back in time for AC if we need it or maybe, just maybe….I’ll have good news for you!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Operation Ovulation!!!

Well well ladies, my detox is finished...thank goodness for that!!

We are now doing "operation ovulation", operation ovulation involves lots of s*x....until a rise in temp, Dr P suggested that we do days 11 - 14 and I'm on day 14 today but still no temp rise so we'll have "another go" tonight :))

As you can see, I am feeling much more cheerful and finally getting back to normal, I am so so glad that the detox is finished, you wouldn't believe it. I had my last colonic on Saturday and my last AC session on Sunday, my Darling hubby was a brave boy and did AC with me, have I ever told you how much I love that man!

So now, besides having loads of s*x, i am doing a post-colonic eating plan which is similar to the way the detox started but a little different....

Breakfast - Cooked oat bran with raisons, butter and honey to flavour
Mid morning snack - Fruit and sunflower seeds & raisons
Lunch - Steamed veggies and brown/basmati rice
Mid afternoon snack - More fruit or nuts
Dinner - A large salad/steamed veg

Not too bad eh? I need to do this for the next two weeks, especially since we are hoping for conception....double yeah! There are a few more things that I can eat, I am allowed some chicken or fish every 3rd night or so but I'll let you know what's on the do and don't list in the next post.

Should that BFP elude me once again then it'll be a slight change to the eating plan and AC on CD8, 10 & 12 again and we'll go from there. I am to carry on the Agnes during the 2ww and Dr P says that we'll start progesterone once a pregnancy is established and not before because according to him, too much progesterone before implantation is not a good thing - time will tell I suppose??

In other news, my baby sister is 21 today. How I love that little soul - just wanted to mention her because she is so special in my life and I really wish her all the best!

Not much else is happening in the land of Peanut, one of Frank's friends phoned the other night to tell us that his wife is expecting their second child, I never fell off the wagon, I had the normal twitch of dissapointment but I know that our turn will come...very soon I hope!

Please go over and send your love to Mands, she is going through a rough time right now and could use all the love that you wonderful chicks in blogland have to give.

And that concludes the end of my 100th post, can't believe that so much has happened since I started this blog, I am very glad that I did because one day I'll look back at our journey with all the details and then I'll be able to put it all to rest and of-course there's all of you that read this and give me the support I need, I love you guys xxx

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Detox Day 8....

Ugh....this is terrible, I'm feeling awful. I knew that it would be bad but I expected to feel a bit better. I've been off work one day with terrible body pains and a really bad headache, the rest of the time has been okay but I definately do not feel well!

So I started the second part of my detox on Monday this week, Day 5. This detox consists of a liquid diet and colonics for 6 days. Herewith the liquid diet rules :

  • Cleansing drink: drink a 3 quarter glass of water with a quarter glass of freshly juiced apple juice. Follow this with a glass of water mixed with half a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar and a teaspoon of raw honey - drink this 5 times a day
  • Flaxseed tea drink: Soak 1 tablespoon of flaxseeds in half a cup of boiling water, allow to cool and drink the water and chew on the seeds. Drink at least 2 cups of this a day
  • Broth: To one litre filtered water add - 3 cups of chopped celery, 1 garlic clove, 1 chopped carrot, 2 cups chopped sweet potato and 2 cups of butternut. Bring this to the boil and then simmer for 2 minutes or til veggies are soft, you can add fresh herbs like coriander, basil or mint to this for taste. Liquidise this, this is your only "real" food so you can have this anytime of the day.
  • Veggie juices: Juice the following (with a juicer, not a blender): 3 carrots, 3 cabbage leaves, 2 stalks celery, 2 steamed beetroots, 1 steamed turnip, half a garlic clove, 6 spinach leaves and half a bunch of parsley - dilute with mineral water OR Juice carrots, celery and steamed beetroot, mix this in 50:50 ratio with mineral water (I found the later one the best so I just have that) - Drink 2 - 4 cups a day.
  • You can add some more sweet potato or butternut to your broth or eat a little brown rice if you are feeling weak or hungry.

You also have a whole list of supplements that they supply so I feel like I'll rattle if you shake me from all the tabs i'm taking! The colonics is anything but pleasant, in-fact it's quite uncomfortable and sore but I'll be doing my 4th 1 hour session today so at least I'm almost finished with only 2 more to go after today. The good news is that I have lost a total of 4 kg's so far, this wasn't the point of doing this but it does help :)

I was also on CD8 yesterday so we started accupuncture to "start heating the oven" (as Dr P put it), i'll have AC every second day until CD 12, Frank will do AC on days 10 & 12 too and we are to "start getting intimate" on CD10 - CD14. Not quite sure if I carry on the Agnes cactus during the 2ww and what he will do about my progesterone dificiency so I need to ask. So I suppose we'll see what happens then, personally I think that it's too early for my body to have changed too much but what have we got to lose?

From sunday I will be put on a different eating plan because you can't just go from having just liquid to eating everything again, I pressume it will also be something that I'll need to live by to control my acidity, i'll let you know.

So girls, that's my story. Not very exciting at all and I can't wait until my last colonic and until I can eat proper food again!!

Bumble and little Bumble are all doing well, Bumble is persavering with breast feeding and sounds happy. Little Bumble is just beautiful too, so so perfect. I can't wait until our day comes girls - I just know it will!

Monday, February 4, 2008

Baby Bumble is here!!!

I thought I'd update you all, Baby Bumble is here!! She was born on the 3rd Febraury @ 11:41 pm (Aussie time) by emergency ceaser (cord was wrapped twice around her neck so she was stressed before labour was in full swing) and weighed in at 3.05kg's. She is perfect and both Mom and Dad are hopelessly in love with her....

Well done my sweet friend, I wish you and Mr B all the best, I'm so proud of you and wish that I could be with you but know that I am there in spirit!

Update on detox will follow tomorrow!

Thursday, January 31, 2008

Detox Day 1...

Thank you (once again) for all your kind words, you guys are the greatest, you know that I love you all!

Okay, so I have been a very bad little blogger lately and so I have decided to make an effort to keep you all up to date on what's happening in terms of treatment while seeing the new AC, you never know, I might be able to help a few of you find your way to a similar place/treatment should this JJ sweetie, because you asked me to...this is for you, who know's - maybe this could work for both of us....

Detox day 1 - 4 consists of:
  • A cup of hot water and lemon slices first thing in the morning
  • 40 Agnus Cactus drops in some water (take this half an hour either way of food) - take this 3 times a day
  • Fruit for breakfast & a cup of Rooibos tea with honey
  • Steamed veggies and basmati/brown rice for lunch
  • Another cup of Rooibos with Honey
  • Fruit as a snack
  • A large fresh green salad with nuts for Dinner wite apple cider vinegar and olive oil for a dressing
  • Have a glass of freshly juiced veg with dinner (carrot & celery etc.)
  • Drink 2 litres of water a day
So ladies, so far so good. It doesn't sound too bad now does it? So I do this for 4 days, I think that i'll be sick of it soon but I shouldn't feel too bad on it....only thing that might get to me is not having my daily cup of coffee....

Frank and I had a chat about things last night - he took me out to dinner, it was sort of like the "last supper" before I started detox and so over a lovely glass of wine (okay - a few glasses) we had time to chat and we decided that I would do this for as long as I can and if I feel ready before the 3 months is up then we will move onto IVF (presuming Dr. P hasn't formed some miracle and gotten me pregnant natrually). So, that's the plan for now. I am feeling better, still a tad tearful for even having to carry on walking this road - but better.

We chatted about what we would do if we needed to consider other options after IVF and really came to no conclusion, Frank is still dead set against adoption and egg donation but in saying that, we aren't in that position yet, nor do I think that we will ever get there but all of us know that this IF journey can take you anywhere and so we leave that one open for debate at a later stage.

So here we go now, back to basics, this should be interesting!!

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Please make it STOP!!

I just can't...I don't have the strength for this anymore.

AF has just arrived, I was so positive this month, we did everything right with our DIY cycle, our timing was more than perfect, I used the bicarb thing for my acidity and even tried progesterone in my 2ww. I don't know why I still believe that it could happen like this after the road that we have travelled, why do I always end up feeling the same way?

I week ago, I would have told you that it was okay because you see IVF #3 was on the cards, but that has all changed in the last few days and today I am confused and frustrated about what decision needs to be made. We have decided to put our IVF off for another 3 months, when we made this decision, it felt like I had nothing to lose and everything to gain from this, today I feel scared and so so unsure.

We went to go and see the accupuncturist that I mentioned a while ago, he was to treat me in conjuction with my IVF, he did a few tests to determine what condition my body is in, he asks us questions on what the problems are fertility wise and then went on to say that he doesn't understand why we need IVF.

Of-course I share his sentiment, I have never understood that someone with minor fertility problems like mine needs IVF, if I had "structural" problems like blocked tubes etc then yes but everything seems to be functioning correctly in that area. We spoke about our previous IVF's and the fact the embryo's were good but that they did not even start to implant, he asked what our FS thought the problems were etc.

So anyway, after he did the tests etc he said that I am still very acidic/toxic, my hormones are out, my lymphatic system is not working properly and the list went on and on, now I'll tell you that I think that I am quite healthy but he says that I am not. He says that he thinks the problem with implantation is due to acidity, due to the fact that a healthy embryo cannot or will not implant in a uterus that isn't welcoming and really, if you think about it, it does make sense.

And with that, he asked us to give him 3 months to get my body right, he says that he thinks that he can get me pregnant natrually within 3 months and that if I am not then he will still treat me through the IVF but at that stage our chance of success will be much better and our thinking at the time was that we really have nothing to lose and everything to gain, what is 3 months when we've already put 3 years into this? But today I feel different, today I am scared of waiting, today I just want to move on, I. JUST. WANT. A. BABY - I. JUST. WANT. THIS. TO. ALL. STOP - IS. THAT. TOO. MUCH. TO. ASK?

I know that I need to try this, what is the point of going through another IVF, spending all that money, time and emotions on something that probably wont work because nothing has really changed? And so as hard as this is, we are going to try it, I start off with a 10 day detox (this involves colon hydrotherapy for 6 days and a liquid diet while doing the colon cleansing) and he has put me on Agnus Cactus to get my hormones sorted out. Once I have done the detox (I start on Thursday) he will tell me what I am and am not allowed to eat, he will change my diet so that we can start to control my acidity and we'll go from there.

If all else fails, we will be starting IVF in May (funny how it'll a year exactly since our first IVF), I hope and pray that he is right and that we can make this happen natrually within the next 3 months, that has always been No. 1 for me but at least my body will be in a better place if we need to do IVF.

I haven't cried, let me tell you that I want to and I can feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes but I can't, I can't lose it because I haven't even told Frank, it kills me to tell him because he was so excited about this cycle, he kept on telling me that it had to work because we got it all right and it breaks my heart that I feel so broken, that I can't make him a Dad.

On another note, Mands has just had her transfer and it went beautifully - please go and wish her all the best!! Also, sweet Bumble will be having her little girl very soon, they are planning on inducing on Sunday since her due date was yesterday...I wish her all the best with the birth and can't wait to meet little Embie!!

Friday, January 11, 2008

In Vitro Maturation...

Have any of you heard of IVM?

Apparently it's new (to us and our clinic)'s a breakdown:

What is IVM treatment?
IVM stands for In Vitro Maturation. 'In vitro' comes from the Latin meaning 'in glass' and 'maturation' is the process of aging something from infancy to maturity. In IVM, immature eggs, or oocytes, are retrieved from the ovary, then matured in the laboratory before being fertilised and replaced to the womb.

What is the procedure for IVM?
IVM is much easier than conventional treatment and requires much less time commitment.
1. Under the guidance of ultrasound, the immature eggs are retrieved from a woman's unstimulated ovaries.
2. The eggs are then matured in the laboratory for 24-48 hours.
3. The eggs that have matured after this time are fertilised using traditional techniques such as ICSI.
4. Two to three days after fertilisation, the embryos are transferred to the mother's womb.

How does it differ from IVF?
There are two main differences between IVM and IVF and they are safety and cost. In standard IVF treatment the woman undergoes 2 weeks of injections to stimulate egg production prior to retrieval. As well as being time-consuming and uncomfortable, a potentially fatal side-effect of these injections is a condition known as Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). IVM does not need these daily injections so there is no risk of OHSS.
And because the treatment is shorter than IVF, there is no need for women to have to sniff an ovary suppressing drug for 2-3 weeks prior to injections.

Who is it suitable for?
To begin with, IVM will mainly be for women with polycystic ovaries. However, it is thought the procedure will be ideally suited to women below their mid thirties as an alternative to IVF.

What are the success rates?
So far, over 400 babies have been born worldwide through IVM treatment and Danish scientists have achieved 30 per cent success rates using the procedure.
Professor Bob Edwards, who helped create the world's first IVF baby, Louise Brown, believes that IVM could be safely used to treat most women with fertility problems and will revolutionise fertility treatments. "I see IVM as an all-round - and cheaper - solution," he says. "This really is a new era for IVF. A revolution. I think IVM will replace IVF. It all looks very promising."

More on it here: &

So ladies, are there any of you who have had this procedure and know more about it? If so, please leave a comment, for the rest of you....might be something to look into, I have just recently found out that Vita.lab have started using it and am busy finding out more on it and whether it would be suitable for Frank and I....will let you know what they say!

**** Update: Okay, so apparently Vita.lab are doing their first IVM at the end of this month, they are looking at just doing it for PCOS patients as they are the ones that over-stimulate and run the highest risk of OHSS. Dr V says that you will get the same amount of eggs as IVF and that the quality will be the same as when you ovaries are stimulated, he also says that IVM costs about R12 000 compared to R28 000 with IVF. However, the success rate is 15% less than normal there you go, not suitable at this stage for Frank and I, I'm leaving this post up for those of you who could possibly benefit from such treatment.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

So close...

Frank and I had one of our heart to hearts the other night, it's been a while since we've spoken about what our next step in the process is, don't get me wrong, it's not like I made the decision to do another IVF without him, we both knew that this new year would bring a fresh IVF but hadn't really discussed when or how we feel about things, before my last post I asked him if Feb would be okay for me to start BCP and he said that if I was ready then he was fine with it.

So that was that then, I have my heart set on another IVF as from next month, towards the end of last year I wasn't sure, I kept on finding an excuse to put it off another month, Jan was too soon, it's Frank's birthday in Feb and it's also my sister's 21st, then it's our anniversary in March and so I didn't want to be cycling then, but when I think about it now, they were nothing but feeble excuses to put off what scares me the most and that's not me, I normally go into things head on and so I've decided that all I needed was some time to heal, I'll say it again....we infertile are resilient!!

But I digress, we were lying in my most favourite place (our bed) and chatting, I asked him if he was ready and happy with starting in Feb, he told me that he was and that he thinks that we are close - so close now. I think so too, I have to believe that we are closer than we have ever been; I can feel that our dream of becoming parents is within our grasp now, it has to be.

With this IVF brings new fears, a 5 day wait instead of 3, a new protocol that scares me half to death, not because it's less needles (yeah baby!) but because it's different and last time I stimmed very well BUT I also need to remember that altho last time went perfectly with regards to my meds, ER and ET - it didn't work, not even slightly and that this time will be different and we are hoping that that difference is all it takes.

We spoke about how hard last year was, how it's changed us and our marriage, we spoke about how unfair it still seems and about how far we have come. It still feels very surreal, we have been trying to have a baby for as long as we have been married, gone to so many doctors and had so many different opinions, we've done 3 IUI's and 2 IVF's, I've had another 2 lapscopes and more hormones than I could ever imagine put into my body. We still think about how we thought that our child/ren would be made in the privacy of our bedroom, about how naive and simple minded we used to be.

And then Frank said something that I had never imagined, he thanked me for being so strong and for getting him through all this and it made me cry. I never imagined myself as strong, I used to be strong before I was faced with IF but the last thing I feel is strong, I feel weak and scared, I feel like my husband is the only thing that keeps me going. I feel like I'm about to lose it at the best of times and he tells me that I am amazing, that I have made him proud to be my husband because all I think about is how this affects him (because I know that I am the one who can't stop). I asked him to tell me if he wanted to stop, that I didn't want to destroy our marriage over this and he told me that even he couldn't stop now, we've come through all of this and we are almost there, I feel better now and I love my husband more than ever, for being my knight in shining amour and for not knowing that I couldn't do this without him, he is my strength.

Okay, so enough sloppy-ness, Frank boss' wife is pregnant with twins after their first IVF at Vita.lab and I have hope. I start seeing an AC on the 26th of Jan, he says that he wants to see me a month before starting IVF (stimms) so I’m quite excited to try something different, my GP recommended him because he specialises in IF.

And so chickens, with that comes the end of my post. Here's a pic of Frank and I on New Years Eve with my friends little munchkin who really took a liking to me even tho we haven't seen the kids for over a year, very precious....

Friday, January 4, 2008

Goodbye 2007!

I don't think that I have ever been as eager as I was for a year to come to an end, 2007 was a very hard year for many of us. Of-course some of you ended on a very good note, congrats on all the BFP's out there ~ I am truly praying for a healthy 9 months for all my dear friends.

Christmas and new year were good, hectic as usual what with running up and down to family and friends, I find christmas time incredibly tiring but I know that one day I wont mind, like many of you, christmas reminds me of what I am still missing in my life.

The shingles are finally clearing up and I can honestly say that that really was no fun at all, I am starting to feel better and have more energy now. I have joined the gym and start tomorrow, it's time to start looking after my body instead of punishing it.

New years day brought back some memories of our first failed IUI, it was on new years day last year that I had found out the our first IUI had failed. I was devastated, but I was hopeful for my first medicated cycle that was to follow, I was different back then....a lot less jaded and cynical than I am now, I was so hopeful and convinced that by Dec I would either be a mom or have a nice round tummy with my baby growing inside me.

2007 had lots of all time highs and even more devastating lows, it's changed a part of us that will forever stay changed, some of what we used to be is gone for good but it's not all bad, we have eachother, I find myself comparing my marriage to other couples, couples who have their children and are watching them grow, couples who's marriages are falling apart even tho they should be thankful for what they have and it's hard not to compare.

I find myself thankful for my husband who loves me dearly and altho I still feel very very cheated by my infertility, I am thankful that most of the ways that our marriage has changed through infertility has been good, the one thing that infertility has done for us is make us stronger, make us more understanding with eachother and make us realise that there is no one else on this earth that we would rather be going through this with and so I do have to look at the good that came out of 2007 too.

I don't have any new years resolutions, my goal is get through infertility with some of who I used to be intact, we will get through this....2008 is going to be the year, we are starting fresh - with new hope and with the realisation that we needed to get through 2007 and all it's trials and tribulations to get to where we are now, to know more, understand the process and see that our end goal is in sight.

I am currently on CD 4 (yes, new years day brought the same as last year - a visit from my least favourite aunty) today, we will start IVF at the end of this cycle, I need to have my auto immune tests re-done as my immune system would have been comprimised with the shingles, so I'll have those re-done when I go for my CD2 scan. We are looking forward to moving on now and hoping for a really good outcome with IVF #3!!!