Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Dr Debbie...

My appointment with Dr Debbie was wonderful! I went to go and see her last week friday, it's so nice and refreshing to talk to someone that knows the in's and out's of infertility treatment! I gave her a brief history of how many cycles we've done and how I responded to IVF etc, I told her that I was on Agnes which she said that she wanted me to stop straight away as she doesn't wanting it interfering with my up-coming IVF.

We went into the room and she checked my tongue, she asked if my periods were normally quite light, if I got dizzy often and if my hands and feet were always cold, I said yes. She checked a few other things and told me that my kidney Qi (chi) is blocked and that that definately affects fertility (in chinese medicine terms) and that I don't have enough blood flow going through my body, hence the light headedness etc - so this could be part of the problem when it comes to my embies implanting!

She said to carry on eating healthily and to make sure I keep up the excercise. She said that I need to do something I enjoy on the other 4 days that I am not gyming, something creative because in chinese medicine, they believe that you cannot create life if you aren't creative....mmmmm, I used to do a few things but haven't for the last couple of months, maybe it's time to start being creative again.

She started putting the needles the time she was finished I had between 25 & 30 needles in me! I had in the top of my head, my tummy, my arms and hands, my legs and my feet...

She told me to imagine orange and red, these are your sacral and base chakra's - she then turned off the light and put some soft music on, very different to Dr P's visits! I felt so calm and relaxed, i tried to picture red and orange and it was okay but the colour I saw the most was green. Dr debbie returned to turn the needles and left me a little while longer, when she came back she asked about the colours and I told her that I was having trouble with the orange and red but that I did see green. She says that green is healing and that she can sense that I am very appointment with her was very surreal, there's lots more to tell but I'll leave that for my next post, I don't want this post to go on forever...

So, she's given me some tabs to get the blood flowing a bit better and says that she wants to see me every two weeks until I start stimms. Right now, Frank and I are still trying to figure out what on earth my body is doing, I'm still getting getting some cramping, my cycle is a bit screwy and i'm still getting daily headaches but am trying to stay calm and just hope that my body sorts itself out soon because I'm starting to get excited about starting BCP for our next IVF!

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Winds of change....

And so we’ve made the decision to leave Dr P. I’m seeing a new lady on Friday this week, Dr Debbie. I have heard only good things about her so I am quite excited!!

I’m a bit sad to leave Dr P, he did a lot of good for me. I am still following the eating plan he gave me because it’s easy and it can become a way of life. I’m also still losing weight, I’m now on my 7th kg since the beginning of Feb, of-course I’m still gyming 3 times a week so that helps too. It was not an easy decision to make but my last cycle and my conversation with him on Friday helped me make up my mind.

As you all know, I started bleeding on day 23 of my cycle. This had never happened before, even when I was doing a stim cycle and was triggered the shortest cycle I had was 26 days. Now I know that it’s only 3 days but that would mean that I ovulated on CD 8 or 9 apposed to my normal CD 14 to 17 (CD11 on only two cycles in 38 cycles off BCP).

So I phoned Dr P because I wanted his opinion, now I’m not so sure if I like what he said. He started off saying that it wasn’t good and I agreed, he went on to ask about my last period. I told him that I only bled for one day with about 5 days of spotting which isn’t normal but I had spoken to him about it before we started acupuncture last cycle and he said it was okay. He then goes on to say that he thinks I might have been pregnant and that I’m having a miscarriage!

I was floored, really not what I expected at all! So I asked what I should do and he said that I must come back on day 8 and we’ll start again. And that ladies was that, I was in such shock that I didn’t know what to say so I said….”oh, okay”

Frank wasn’t home at the time, I cried a bit and then tried to work out how far I would have been. 7w2days. I read up on what a miscarriage would be like at that stage, I read up on how I couldn’t have known that I might have been pregnant. I didn’t really find any answers.

I don’t want to believe that I am having a miscarriage, Frank seems to think that it makes perfect sense. I’ve really come off the rails in the past few weeks, have had a terrible time emotionally, I’ve had the flu and have been having problems with my blood pressure because it was too low and I was constantly dizzy, I asked Dr P what was going on and he gave me some herbs for my blood pressure, I’ve had sore breasts but they are constantly sore on the agnes.

Surely I should have known?

I would be nice to think that after 3 years of trying, we got it right naturally but now I will never know. We could have gone to Vita.lab and had some beta’s done but Frank seems to think that it wouldn’t be in my best interest to watch beta numbers drop right now but then again, it also could have confirmed that I was never pregnant and that now just before we start another IVF my body is playing silly buggers!

I was also worried that if I was pregnant that I would blame myself for not knowing and for not being on progesterone to protect my little one and help it grow. I’m just not in the right frame of mind for this right now.

I spoke to my most favourite person, Bumble on Sunday and she helped me a lot. She has a way of putting things into perspective. I love you dearly my friend and thank you for always being there for me.

I haven’t cried again, Frank is concerned that I’m not dealing with this but the problem is that I don’t know what to think. I’m sad for what might have been but how do you deal with it when you not sure it was there in the first place. I’m still bleeding, I’ve had quite a bit of cramping and headaches but every day gets better and now, only time will tell. We haven't discussed this with many people, we've told close family and friends and they understand that we don't want to make a huge deal out of this because we don't know what really happened, they know if we need to talk and they'll be there but they'll understand if we don't want to too.

We planning on starting BCP as soon as this cycle is over, we’ll do acupuncture and give it a go naturally again this month but if all else fails I should start BCP before the end of May. Sweet Bumble sent me some precious Gonal F, a brand new pen left over from her IVF with little Embie, I’m hoping that it has the same affect on me as did on her, so here’s to our next few months and putting the past behind us.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Oh cr@p!

Dear Aunt Flo.....

Thanks (not) for showing up on CD23 and confusing me even more, I'm sure our breakfast date was only scheduled for a weeks time but maybe I was mistaken? I was actually doing okay without you and really felt that a visit from you wouldn't be in my best interest no matter how concerned (haha) you may be for me!!

Please go away soon!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'm writing my own story...

It’s been a long few weeks, instead of things getting better like they normally do, things just got worse. I can’t remember being in a place like this, I think I have before but this time I’m not sure how to get out of it. It’s all very strange really.

It started at a family event, things went wrong somehow and too many things were done and said – from there it was like a downward spiral, everything that I have not wanted to think about made its way into my head and my life. It happened at a particularly bad time too, a time when I wasn’t feeling the best anyway because my 3rd cycle with Dr P was becoming a reality and hormones were flaring.

I’m not going to go into details, a lot of what I have dealt with in the past has come back, feelings that I don’t understand. Feelings that made me question my wanting to be a mother, thoughts that maybe, just maybe my IF is a way to telling me that I shouldn’t be a mother.

At first I thought that I was just feeling sensitive because it has been a long road, life has never really been easy for me and that is just one of the reasons that I love my husband as much as I do, he has saved me from all of it, made sense of a life that never really made any sense up until I found him. But the feelings and thoughts never went away, I became more and more anxious and confused so I decided to go and see a counselor about it, he helped me….I know that counseling works because I have been down this road before, before I even know that IF would enter my life.

But in helping me, he has turned my world upside down, making what I have believed for a long time make no sense at all. He has given me a different way of looking at things and that changes a lot for me, in fact it changes everything. So right now, I am in a state of utter confusion, confused because nothing makes any sense to me anymore. The only thing that makes sense right now is Frank and our love for each other.

I know that I am meant to be a mother, I know that deep down inside I haven’t done anything to deserve this and I know that IF isn’t just life’s way of punishing me for never understanding one of the simplest things in life, the bond that a mother and child should have.

I know that all of this sounds very confusing and it’s my way of getting some of it out without saying everything. I am trying my hardest to work through it all, I have decided that life is not always cut and dry, there are not hard and fast rules for how things are supposed to be, everyone gets to write their own story and to make it what they want it to be, I am in the process of writing my story and all I know it that in the end I will be a mother and I will leave IF and everything else that has been hard on this journey behind us.

We have decided to start IVF in June, I will be starting BCP then so my stim cycle will be at the end of June/early July. I need to take some time to work through the rest of it, to come to terms with everything that hasn’t been dealt with and to finally make sense of my life.

That is were I am right now, I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for a lot of you and I wish all of you that are in the middle of cycles all the best!