Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Some inspiration...

A special friend of mine who also happens to be suffering with infertility sent this to me, and I just had to share it with all of you, I hope that this brings a smile to your face and peace in your heart if you are having a bad day!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flower s on your side of the path!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I'm a happy Peanut!!

It’s been quiet over here in Peanut’s land, not much happening really. Frank and I are now in our 2ww after our 2nd DIY cycle and I am happy to say that so far this cycle has turned out much better than the last one with Ovulation on CD15!! That’s much better than it has been which means that my cycles are now under 30 days again, I am a happy Peanut!!

As you all know, this DIY thing is not as easy as 1, 2, 3. It takes some practice to get back into the “swing” of things, I mean really, it’s been a while since having s.e.x was for trying to make a baby, well in our lives that is. So timed intercourse was out the window months ago and getting back into it was not so easy. It turns out that luck was on my side this month, Murphy has seemed to have left the building this time round!! Frank and I had planned a weekend away, as I have said in my previous posts…my husband is particularly stressed at the moment, work is hectic. As it turns out, a lady that I work with won a prize for a helicopter ride and breakfast on a mountain in Parys (not Paris – said Pa-race) which is about an hours drive from us, she had to go in for an op so decided that she would like to give it to me, Frank and I decided to make a weekend out of it and booked ourselves in for Friday and Saturday night with the heli ride on Sunday.

We had the most awesome weekend, lots of relaxing, reading and sitting by the river enjoying the view and the sun!! Oh and not to mention some much needed lovin’!! I was in the dark a bit about my cycle this month but was delighted to see my old friend EWCM on Friday night, I ovulated on Sunday which I was very happy about seeing as tho it was very well timed with our “dirty” weekend. Maybe, just maybe this will be the miracle that we have been hoping for provided I never killed off Frank’s sperm like I normally do, I never even thought about the bicarb douche this time round, oh well….sometimes miracles do happen, now we wait….and hope.

Here are some pics from the weekend…

In other news, Frank and I had time to chat about our FET, I’m not quite sure if I got my way yet as no decisions were made but some seeds were indeed sown. I want to do the FET in my next cycle, Frank initially said that October is really stressful for him and that we should wait until Nov, he then asked what it involved and I said, a couple of scans, a trigger and then the transfer….oestrogen and progesterone in the 2ww….and he said, okay…let’s take it as it comes and decide then….so ladies, either way…my little embies wont be frozen for much longer and I’ll be starting my FET cycle in 2 weeks or 6 weeks time….Peanut is very happy!! Roll on BFP!!

While you’re out and about ~ please go over and say congrats to Leah (little pee stick monster) and Erin who have mananged to get their BFP’s!! Bumble who has just found out that she is having a little girl and that she is perfect, and then last but not least….Mands, who is almost on her way to stimms!!

Monday, September 3, 2007

Post IVF....Cycle number 3!

Well, as you clever little bloggers all guessed it…AF made her appearance yesterday, right on schedule. I’m okay, really…I’m not going to lie and tell you that I wasn’t a bit disappointed although I really expected AF to come, I was disappointed….I felt like crying but I didn’t and I was just feeling sorry for myself in general. I also think that when AF finally hits us, we are feeling rather hormonal anyway, so I’m just gonna blame the hormones for now.

Frank was a sweetie and took me out to Milky lane for a Whispers Waffle and Ice cream and while we were sitting there we spoke about the FET and things that have gotten away from us, it’s funny how life takes a back seat when IF is in the house! It’s taking us some time to get back on our feet financially, two and a half years of IF will do that to your finances, we are doing fine but have a few things to sort out, the good news is that by the end of the year, we’ll have cleared everything and hopefully have money left over for another fresh IVF cycle, which of-course we are hoping to not have to do but just in-case…

I try to explain to Frank and everybody that I am okay, I’m getting anxious and can’t wait to get on that rollercoaster again. We IF’s are a strange lot, as much as we hate the rollercoaster, we’re always rushing to get in line for it!! I can wait another two months or so to do the FET and this break has done both of us the world of good. I was broken after my IVF, emotionally and physically and I had no hope what-so-ever for my FET, I was convinced that it wouldn’t work anyway so I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to even go there. I feel different now, I have so much hope for my little embies, I’m feeling really good and I know that by the time I get there, I’m going to be so much better and really really ready!

But I am still angry, so I’m okay…but angry. The anger just never seems to go away, sometimes it just simmers under the surface and on other days it just wants to explode and bubble out for everyone to see…I still really don’t get any of this. It makes me angry that Frank and I even have to do this, that we have to try and work out when to do a FET because money comes in to it, it makes me angry that I see pregnant women everywhere and that I am jealous of them and that all I want is to be them, it makes me angry that I even have to feel this way….I’m angry at myself for not making peace with it, for even trying to understand “why” after all this time. I am angry for being angry…

The strange this is that none of this even seems real, I can’t get my mind around the fact that we have done IVF, that we have little embies out there waiting for us to make a decision, the fact that I would have already been 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now, the fact that I feel like I am wasting precious time….

I’m rambling, please forgive me but there is so much that I need to get out, the kind of stuff you don't realise is there until your fingers hit the keyboard. When I type these words I realise that I am not ready, I think I am ready but my mind isn’t. I need to get rid of all this anger, I need to be free of it now, I need to accept that this is the way it is but that it’s not the end of the world, I will be okay, I wont be angry anymore one day, one day I will feel different about all of this, I will have my little one and like Bumble, I will finally be alive, finally complete.

Okay so this was meant to be a short one...I am happy about one thing…33 days is better than 39…maybe this one will be a normal 26 days!! See even my body is telling me to take some more time…