Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Shingle bells, shingle bells!!

I thought that I was getting better and I am, the good days definately out-weigh the bad days but my body is telling a very different story.....I have shingles, now maybe not all of you know what shingles is....it starts off as rash and sometimes spreads, sometimes doesn't and so the rash started on Friday, but saturday I was very sure that something wasn't right and so I went to the Dr and was told that I have Shingles...here is Dr googles definition: http://www.medicinenet.com/shingles/article.htm for those of you that are interested...

As a result of the shingles, I have been told that all DIY plans are to be put on hold, I am NOT to fall pregnant while I still have the virus and especially not while I am on the anti-viral drugs which are quite strong and playing havoc with my body!

I am slowly on the mend, still feeling quite sore and very sorry for myself but I'm sure that by the end of the week I'll be better and hopefully 100% by christmas!!

In other news, I am sure that you can all remember this post about a very dear friend of mine who had her baby at the end of July, I phoned her on Saturday to cancel for Sunday's get-together because her little one is only 4 months old and I've been told to stay away from babies and pregnant women. So we chat for a while and she tells me that she's 9 weeks pregnant again, I nearly fell off my chair.

I am so happy for her, if you can recall she also went to Vitalab, has PCOS and so when she went for her 6 week check up her gynea told her that she wouldn't conceive on her own so they weren't using any protection and it just happened! Everything is fine so far and her baby is due 2 weeks before her little one's first birthday....can you believe it.

I'm okay, I cried for a while once I was off the phone, she said she feels bad becuase of what Frank and I are going through and I love her for thinking of us and I know that this isn't about me, my life is just different and it's not her fault. We all have our own crosses to bear and this is mine, it just makes my cross a little heavier and makes me sad but life carries on.

That's it from me girls, I am thinking of you all over this festive season and hope that you all get through it without too many tears. For those of you waiting for beta's, I hope that Santa brings you what you are wishing for. For those of you that are taking a break - next year will be better for all of us, we'll find the strength to start anew.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

What is a mother....

I found this post on the new Forum that I am on, I have come to hate forum's on my IF journey, the people that you normally meet there have no clue and are so insensitive to your needs. They are the ones that complain about taking 3 whole months to conceive, they have no idea what real infertility is like.

But this forum is different, the women here all understand, many of them can't fall pregnant/stey pregnant without help, they are like you and I and are walking the very same road that we are all on. Some of them are even from my clinic so that is nice too. Should you wish to come have a look or need some extra support....please pop by....http://www.fertilicare.co.za/forum/index.php

When I read this I cried, this is for all of you who have lost a child through miscarriage or neonatal loss...my heart goes out to all you brave brave women, my very dear friends in blog-land....

What is a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say.

“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby is not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
with confidence in his voice
“I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
with all the other children and say…

“We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow’s were I lay...

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear.
‘Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.”

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
and this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
it’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realise,
you are a Mother until their time is done.
they’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”

Friday, November 30, 2007

IVF Follow up appointment...

Well hello, hello....it's been a while ~ mostly because I really haven't had much to say, you've heard it all before anyway. Thank you all for your special heartfelt comments on my last post, you are all sweethearts and I am glad that I have all of you!

Okay so let me tell you about my appt yesterday, I am feeling better, it doesn't take it away but I feel like I finally have closure and a new plan. Dr V is such a sweetie, I almost cried but didn't, you'll be proud of me :)

Okay, so they don't know why it didn't work, after all "this isn't an exact science"...my embryo's are "excellent" quality and I have good potential to make a baby he says, next time we wont do ICSI so we should have a better fertilisation rate and hopefully more embies.

It could be an implantation problem seeing as they grow well and everything runs smoothly until they are put back in me, we'll do the auto-immune testing just before the next IVF and from there they will be able to tell if I have clotting problems stopping the embies from implanting, if I do then they'll put me on low molecular weight heparin.

We'll also do a 5 day transfer, take the best half on day three and grow them to day 5 and freeze the rest, which Dr V is sure will give us a better chance seeing as they will be at blastocyst stage!!!

They will also change my protocol, no Lucrin (yay, yay and yay again...v evil stuff that!) BCP for one month, scan on CD2 to check that all is clear on the ovary front. Start Gonal F 225iu's a day (not Menopur this time which is rather different because I responded to Menopur well and Menopur contains LH whereas Gonal F is pure FSH) until day 5 then carry on with Gonal F and add another injection called probably Cetrotide. Gonal F for 9 days and then trigger on CD 10.

Also asked about DHEA, he says that lots of women use it but it has nasty side effects, oily skin, acne and hair growth since it is a male hormone. He doesn't recommend it and says that there is no evidence to prove that it works...so I think that I should stay away from that for now, he also says that I have no probelm getting eggs so I don't need it, maybe he is right, I would hate for him to say "I told you so" if I go ahead and do it...

He also says that it's not time to remove my endo yet as it wasn't that bad and seeing that they excise it, it grows back a lot slower.

He says that next time will be better, they have learnt alot about me from the last IVF so I hope that this next one results in a healthy pregnancy!

Now we just need to decide when to do the next one, I think I need to get through Christmas first and then think about it again, maybe start BCP in Feb or so....

So it's onward and upward now....I need to remember that:

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

So Sad....

Just checking in to say that I am still here. A lot has changed since my last post, well not that much but it feels like a lot….

My mood has shifted, I’ve gone from being a little sad but optimistic about the future to a fumbling mess. I don’t know what’s come over me, I was okay….not the greatest I’ve ever been but okay. It started on Saturday, a friend of mine was in town and wanted to see us, I’ve been so distant with her but it’s my way of dealing with everything, I can’t talk to people that can’t relate right now and so I haven’t been returning her phone calls.

Anyway, we’ve been friends since high school, in our last year of college she moved away but we’ve always kept in contact and been close friends, I was her maid of honour at her wedding and she was one of my bridesmaids at mine, we are a lot a like the only thing different is that she fell pregnant after 3 months of marriage by accident and was devastated, she had so many plans to study etc and children were not in those plans. So she had her little girl and things turned out perfectly, they then decided that they wanted a little boy and so did the timed intercourse thing that is supposed to result in a boy pregnancy and voila, first month success and what do you know….she had a boy!

And so here I am, trying for almost 3 years to have one child where her kids are 5 and 2 and a half. She knows what we are going through but chooses not to get it, she doesn’t even try to understand it, she is one of those fertile people that tell you to relax and it will happen, just stop thinking about it and you’ll be pregnant before you know it. It frustrates me, so I choose not to tell her when I am cycling, but you see….she has this sixth sense thing going where she will phone me out of the blue on the day of a negative beta! So I don’t take her calls and it’s normally a couple of weeks before I feel strong enough to deal with her.

After the fact, I will explain that we had another failed cycle and that was the reason I was keeping to myself and she gets upset, tells me that she doesn’t care what I say, even if I just cry, she wants to talk to me and know what’s going on in my life. It’s just so hard and I always end up feeling bad. And so there is a point to this story, we went out with them for lunch on Saturday, it ended up in the usual way….”Tam, please phone me, I want to know what’s happening with you, even if you just phone me to cry” and I felt bad.

Saturday night, I never slept, woke up early Sunday to go out for breakfast with Frank’s folks, his sister and her three beautiful children. Afterwards we went shopping and every corner I turned, there were pregnant bellies or women pushing prams with new borns. Sunday night, I hardly slept again. Come Monday, I’m tired and feeling sorry for myself….I go and read some blogs and see that many of my cyclesista’s got BFP’s while I was dealing with my BFN and although I am happy for them, I am just so sad for me.

And so last night the tears started and as I sit here, I can feel them burning the back of my eyes…I know it will take something small to bring them rushing forward and then they just don’t stop. I am battling to find the words to tell you why I am so sad, I can’t understand why I am feeling so down when I was fine, why am I so scared when I should be looking forward to a bright future?

All our failures are just getting to me, I can’t believe that another IVF is on the cards, I never wanted to be a statistic, one of those women who went through endless treatments with nothing to show for them. Now I know that many of you have been through worse and I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself, at least there is still a future, lots that we can do to make our dream of becoming parents come true but this is just were I am at right now.

I know that this will pass, I know that we will get through this, like we always do but I am just so tired, so so tired of doing this and having to move on and feel better. I do know that our time will come and like many of you, IF will still be a factor but we will have beaten the odds and all I can do is pray that time comes soon...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm back and the news is not so good...

For those of you who couldn’t get onto Bumble’s site and didn’t see her comment on my last post….my beta was negative.

I’m back from leave and feeling quite relaxed and rested, today is my first day back at work and I would be lying if I say that I am happy to be back, I still feel a bit strange and could have done with some more time just to feel a little stronger, the people that we did tell are all having withdrawal and obviously want details as they too haven’t heard much since my sms. I don’t have details, it is still hard to talk about it and say, “well….yes, everything went well, it should have worked but it didn’t”

You all know what it’s like, they don’t know why, they don’t really tell you much just that it didn’t work and that they are sorry. My follow up appointment was supposed to be Wednesday last week but since we were away we had to move it and subsequently had to move it again so my follow up is only on the 29th. I’m okay with that, it’s really not a matter of urgency, it failed….I can’t see what they are going to say that they didn’t say last time. This time I have a list of questions of my own tho…

We had a good holiday, found strength in each other and rested well. I must say that I found it much easier being away from everyone and being able to grieve on our own and in our own time. We’re still sad, we’re tired of all this and we trying to build up the strength to move on but move on and be stronger we will. We have spoken about doing the next fresh cycle and are probably looking at Jan/Feb next year, it seems so early to talk about it but as you all know, it does help just a little bit to have a plan.

The thought of having to do a fresh cycle scares me to death, I was really hoping that I’d never have to go there again, I hated the needles, I hated everything about IVF, I only realized afterwards how hard it was. But so be it, we don’t really have any other choice, it’s that or making peace with not having children and I’m not ready for that just yet.

I’m not sure if I should try something different this time round, any info improving egg quality will be highly appreciated. Thank you all for all your heartfelt comments, it really does help, I know that you all feel our pain.

I haven’t had time to catch up on everyone just yet but will be dropping by your blogs in the next few days!! It’s good to be back in blogland!

Monday, October 29, 2007

13dpo or 10 days past FET...

I must tell you all that I have started this post a few times now but haven't finished it because for one, I have been hellishly busy at work, trying to finish up before we leave for holiday and also because I don't really have much to say....now this is a new one (I always have something to say!!)

And so time is moving along, it's actually gone quite fast compared to my normal 2ww. As of today, I have 2 more sleeps to go until I go for my Beta...and I am slowly but surely starting to loose my mind.

I have been feeling really good, really hopeful but must admit that I have had a few miserable days in which I've been grumpy as all hell. I still have no symptoms to write home about...normally by this time (and long before) I have progesterone-induced symptoms and this month I don't even have those....there are a few things that I think are odd but some days I think that maybe they are all in my head so I'll keep them to myself and make a list of them when my beta comes back positive!!

Anyway, I suppose it's okay because I don't know what it's like to be pregnant or how I will feel when I am because I have never been there before....Frank is convinced that I am pregnant, in fact he's even started talking to my tummy, asking our little ones to hang on tight, it's really sweet but does feel a bit wierd, he NEVER does stuff like that!! My Angel is still praying with me everyday and keeps on telling me that G*d is going to heal me....and you know what....I BELIEVE that he will....

Frank and I leave for holiday on Friday, so I'll go for my beta, wait for the news and then we'll be on our way so I wont be able to update you all...I'll ask Bumble to let you all know tho, I can't leave you in the dark for 10 days!!

Right now, i'm trying to stay calm and keep the hope alive...come on little Love, Hope and Faith...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Do you think I have lost my mind....

Look at what I have done.....

Aren't they just too sweet...I know what you are thinking, I haven't completely lost it, maybe just a little bit...but let me tell you why...well, last night while getting in to bed I was thinking about this whole FET thing we've done, the one that has felt so surreal up until now and all of a sudden this thought popped into my head "well, who says it's gonna work this time, I mean really what's different and why should it"

And so it began, the doubts....I was hoping that they'd stay away a little longer but where there is hope....so today when my angel (that lady at work I was telling you about) came to pray for me, I told her that I was scared and that what if it didn't work! She told me (ever so calmly and as if she knows something that I don't know) that I need to believe and have faith, God will help me.

And so, I decided to get something to help me believe, something to help me have faith and so today after work, I went and bought 3 little vests, one for each of my littlies...Love, Hope and Faith.

I was also chatting to a lady that's temping by us at the moment (it's such a small world) she also went to Vitalab and has a 3 year old little boy from her very last FET and she was telling me that I need to visualise my little embies and see them growing and implanting, now I don't have a very good imagination but tonight that is what I am gonna try...

I also need to remind myself of a few things, this cycle is different from my IVF and will work because:
  • I was so much less stressed this time
  • My embies where grown for a little bit longer than my others so they must be stronger
  • They did assisted hatching on them this time which they say helps them break out and implant
  • This cycle was more natural, I didn't have all those hormones floating around in me, making me crazy
  • My lining was actually thicker this time round
  • My bladder was so full this time that it made my transfer much smoother (will post comparison scans soon)
  • There are three instead of two, so that should higher our chances for even a singleton pregnancy

That's all I can think of for now, it also helps that there are loads of women out there that FET's have been successful for, this needs to work!!

Other than starting to lose my mind, things are all fine...feeling very normal, just waiting for the progesterone to kick in!! Not that much longer to go tho, 9 more days!!!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Here's to the 2ww!!

And so the wait begins!! Sorry to keep you all hanging but i've been doing the bed rest thing, at home today too but back to work tomorrow.

My transfer was yesterday and I am very pleased to say that Love, Hope & Faith all survived the thaw and were ALL transferred! They are now 5, 8 & 9 celled embryo's (formally 4, 7 & 8 cells) and Dr J said that there was no sign of degeneration...

It's wierd because they are 5 day old embryo's grown for 3 full days and then thawed for 2 but have not yet reached blast stage which I pressume is normal when it comes to freezing and then thawing them, the "query compacted" one was the 4 celled embryo and that one kept growing, they think that the 9 cell one was compacting but put it back anyway because they had been wrong about the 4 cell one, like Dr J said....this isn't and exact science so it's a chance you take and I agree. I couldn't be happier!!

My transfer went much more smoothly than last time too because this time I made sure that my bladder was extra full!

I must say that I think I prefer FET's to the whole IVF procedure, I was much calmer this time round, in fact it still feels a bit surreal, I keep on having to remind myself that my embies are back where they belong. I'm feeling so much more positive too, I think the whole IVF procedure is a bit of a mind-fuck because you're so emotional from all the meds, the retrieval and just the whole process, this time round there's really none of that, yes the 2 day wait from thaw to transfer is scary but it just feels like there is so much less stress on your mind and body.

I started my progesterone last night, lovely stuff that, still drinking from 2.5 to 3 litres of water a day and (don't laugh) have been eating loads of pineapple!!

I can't tell you how happy Frank and I are that we have been blessed to get this far, thank you to all of you who were thinking of us and praying for us, it really means a lot. I have a good feeling about this cycle, I'm praying that little Love, Hope & Faith hang in there now (i'm not greedy but how do you choose, one live baby would be nice too).

Beta is on the 2nd November, i'll be 13 days past transfer then so the nurse said it might be too early, we might get a low beta but i think it will be fine, we are leaving to go away that day and I really didn't see the point in waiting until Monday which would be my origional beta date, if need be I'll have bloods done while we away....

Here's to the 2ww!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Tomorrow's the day...

....that Love, Hope and Faith get taken out the freezer and start growing again to be placed back into my waiting womb, I am so excited and ever so hopeful!

One of the ladies that I work with came to pray for me and my babies today, she's a lovely black lady that I have known for ages, she told me a while ago that she know's that we are battling to have a baby (she know's nothing more than that) and that she is praying for me but that if I want her to some and pray with me, I must tell her. I never did....

And so after my scan on Tuesday, I came into work and asked her to pray for me on Sunday, so she told me that she would but even better she would come and pray with me on Thursday and Friday...and so today, she came to my office and prayed for me, I have no idea what she was saying because she prayed in her language, but she put her hands on me, all over my tummy. I was so moved by this I felt like weeping....after that she told me to get a glass of water and she prayed over this glass and told me to drink it....we will do the same thing tomorrow and this time I will explain to her and ask her to pray for my embies too. I have never been comfortable with stuff like this but today, it just felt right.

I am going out with my girl-friends tonight, we'll have a few drinks and maybe some dancing, I didn't want to go because I think that I really shouldn't be drinking now but Frank thinks that it'll be good for me to just relax a bit and take my mind off things and he is right, so I'll have one or two and just have some fun...

Tomorrow's the day, grow little ones....grow!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Trigger tonight!

Yup, Yup and Yup again!!! We are triggering tonight, follie was a nice 18+ and lining a nice 11+, Dr is very impressed with my lining and said that it needs a baby now, I couldn't agree more.

It really heped that he was being nice seen as he walked in while I was still tryna get on bed (in all my nicker-less glory), I nearly fell off the bed I got such a fright, he did look suitably embarassed tho!!!

So, now I carry on drinking 2 - 2.5 litres of water a day (not sure why but this was the procedure during IVF too). They will take the embies out on Friday and they will phone me with instructions for Transfer on Saturday. I will be on progesterone but will only start that on Sunday, no Etra-pause this time and only one progesterone a day, funny how it's so different this time, I think they try and keep things more natural this time round which may just be the key!!

So, now we wait....and pray....for Love, Hope & Faith!!

Monday, October 15, 2007

I am grateful...

First off - let me give you the FET cycle update....CD11 today, third visit with my least favourite friend reveals a 16+ follie and a lovely triple stripe 9+ lining!!!! One more scan to go and then probably trigger tomorrow night and embie transfer on Sunday....wooooo hooooo!!!

I must be honest and say that as I was lying there today asking Dr G if growing them for two more days makes them 5 day embryo's and listening to his response I started getting a bit scared, you see they'll take them out of the freezer on friday, and according to him they should carry on growing and the reason they give them two days is to make sure that they are "viable" - oh shit, now that scares me. In one way, I don't want to be stupid and take for granted that we'll be doing a FET on Sunday but in another way, I want to be blissfully naive...

So I have chosen to be hopeful (because let's face it, we're way past the naive stage), I have chosen to believe that we WILL be doing our FET on Sunday, welcome in hope, please make yourself comfy for a very long stay!! You see, up until that word "viable" today, I have been so excited, so hopeful, feeling soooo much better than I have in a very very long time.

My MIL bought me this book, it's called "The secret" and basically it is about asking, believing and receiving our belief's, i'll do a post about it another time because I do believe that we can all benefit from thinking this way, but the one thing that struck a cord with me was "Ask for something once, believe that it will be given to you and then act as if you have recieved it, you cannot ask/recieve something if you don't believe that asking for it means that you will get it" Another thing is to think happy thoughts, be in that "good" place and banish all bad thoughts, bad thoughts become your reality and be thankful for what you do have, saying thank you and being thankful changes the way we feel about things.

Since I have been reading this book, I've been trying to live by these rules....and so far so good, and so I want to list the things I am grateful for:

I am grateful.....
....for my loving, faithful and understanding husband
....for my family, both new and old
....for my beautiful home
....for my health
....for my friends, real life ones and the ones I've made in blogland
....that we have technology to help us have children
....that we can afford fertility treatments as many can't
....that I have frozen embies to transfer
....that I still have time

There is so much more that I can add to this list but I might never stop, so those are the important ones, in today's world all we do is complain, we never have any good to say and from now on I'm going to try and stay positive and look at the good things in life instead of focusing on the bad.

Here is my tarot card that was on Face.book today...and also my inspiration for today's post:

The Nine of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in remarkable gratitude. I am not a victim. There are no lost causes. "I've been there, done that, and know suffering -- but it's all good." I'm still standing. "Can't touch this." Self-pity is an excuse to do nothing. To appeal to sympathy for pity's sake is to seek affirmation of the choice to do nothing. I am empowered by the spirit and support of meaningful experience and I transform with silent resilience.

While you are out and about, please send some love to Mands who has just had her ET and also to Chanti who is suffering a loss.....we are all here for you girls and praying everyday.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

One day we will all feel this way...

A friend sent me this poem and I must say that if I wasn't in the best frame of mind I think I might have been really sad but instead I choose to look forward to doing all these things with my children one day, and ladies...so should you all because we WILL get there!!!

Just for this morning,
I am going to smile when I see your face
and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear,
and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning,
I am going to step over the laundry
and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink,
and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off
and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream
and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon,
I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up,
or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me bake cookies
and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon,
I will take us to McDonald's
and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms
and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening,
I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favourite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.......

Just beautiful, in my heart of hearts I know that we will all be kissing our children good-night one day and thanking God for this beautifull gift, just believe!

Monday, October 8, 2007

Love, Hope & Faith...

AF finally showed her face on friday and so on Saturday I went for a spin with my old friend, Mr Dildocam!! I can't really say that I missed that guy, nor can I say I missed Vita.lab. Now...don't get me wrong, I looooove Vita.lab, the dr's, the nurses, everything about them is wonderful, it's what Vita.lab represents that I don't love, it's being there and waiting for the scans and the treatments that I don't love. You see, we haven't done this in a while and so it felt really strange to be back there again, even Frank said "I don't like this place" and so be it. But they have our little frosties and they looking after them for us, so there you have it, we don't have to love it, but this is part of the process!

The very good news is that all is quiet on the ovary front, no cysts or growths to be seen on either ovary, my lining was 4mm which could be better but seeing as I was only on CD2 and I was still bleeding like a stuck pig, that will be better by now!!

The dr that discussed our embryo's with us last time scanned me, I love this man, he is wonderful, so compassionate and just really, really a nice guy. He told me that he was happy to see me back and that it was all going to be okay, and I believe him, it will be, soon my little embies will be on board and everything will be just perfect! He also said that they are having very good success rates with their natural FET cycles and so girls, I have decided that everything is going to be just perfect and that my lining will develop nicely on it's own, my embies will thaw and carry on growing strong until transfer and we are going to get a BFP out of this cycle!! I am feeling much more positive about everything now, last week was hard, I hate all the game playing that goes with this and I must be honest, it knocked me off my feet again but things are looking up....we have Love, Hope and Faith....

I go back on CD8 for a scan, which I think will be too early for much action but you never know, I am back at reflexology which always helps get those ovaries into gear. So scan on friday, and the probably scans every other day until my follie is ready, we will then trigger and they will thaw our embies, i'm not sure of the process after that but we will see as we go along....

I have saved the other very very very good news for last, it was a rather pleasant surprise. Dr G says that we have 3 embryo's in the freezer, I don't know how I got that one wrong. Frank has been telling me that we do but I thought they never froze the third one, Frank says that I never listen well enought because I am always so emotional, he on the other hand, gets the facts!! And for once, I am truly happy that he was right!

And so we have a 7 and 8 celled embie, I am not sure of how many cells the third one has got but they are calling it a "query compacted" so in other words, it may have looked like it was compacting but it may carry on growing once they take it out the freezer, so ladies...there you have....Love, Hope & Faith are waiting for me to be ready for them. We are hoping that all three thaw perfectly and that they can all be put back....

Let's the good times roll, here's to Love, Hope & Faith!!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

False alarm...

Okay, so temp did a nose dive this morning, I can feel AF gearing up all of a sudden. Very wierd stuff this.
I'm okay, I must be honest and say that I was praying so hard before I looked at my temp this morning, and my heart dropped down to my stomach and I felt that same old feeling of failure as I looked at my temp. I didn't cry, I got out of bed and got on with my day. I thought about it all the time tho, while I was doing my make up, choosing something to wear, just a sadness that I don't need to explain and as I sit here typing this, I really want to cry but I'm NOT going to.
I'm not going to cry because I let myself get excited...
I'm not going to cry because every time this happens I feel like a failure...
I'm not going to cry because I let hope in the door...
I'm not going to cry because I find this so unfair...
I'm not going to cry because this really wasn't necessary, I really didn't need this right now, I've been feeling so good, so positive and so hopefull for my FET...
Instead I am going to choose be put this behind me, to look forward to a brighter, better future. I am choosing to not let this get me down, I am choosing to have faith and hope and to believe in something much bigger than all of this.
AF should be here either today or tomorrow which means my CD2 scan is coming up shortly, i'm trying not to think that there is something strange going on in there, I'm trying to be positive and tell myself that everything is going to be perfect and that i'll be able to start my FET cycle soon.
So girls, all is not lost...yes, so i got a little dirty falling down again, put i'm picking myself up and dusting myself off, looking forward to this next cycle and hoping and praying that we will be celebrating a bit more before christmas this year!
Thank you all for you wonderful support and comments, you all rock!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

It seems that she has lost her voice....

And so it would seem as if AF has lost her voice (for now at least) or maybe she's just a bit reluctant to sing!!

Today is 16dpo, for those of you who are experienced in charting, I have put a link to my chart for you viewing pleasure....as you will see, I haven't really done that well with charting this month as I am really trying to break the habit, I really like to just pin point O and then see if AF is going to show so I can be prepared, so as you can see, I started again yesterday just to see if I needed some "goodies" at work and to my surprise, my temp was still up and so I did the most stupid thing I could think of, I peed on a stick. Those damn evil pee sticks as Leah often calls them, now...those of you who have been following my blog know that this is virtually unheard of, I NEVER pee on those things...I really don't know what came over me. It is also the first time that I have peed on a stick and AF hasn't come running within hours of said pee'ing....

There was not even a hint of a line, and still today...no hint of dear old Aunty Flo either!! I feel completely normal, way too normal for either AF to be on her way or for that elusive BFP. My skin has broken out which is normal for this time of the month...and so I expect AF...other than that, my boobs (which have been poked and proded way too much) feel completely fine, not sore at all which is strange since I always get sore BB's before AF. I am however getting a strange sensation in my tum, it feels like I have pulled something on my right hand side, but i only feel it when I lie down, very strange.

I have also been peeing A LOT, but then again, i have been drinking alot because the weather here is so miserable so really that could just be that.

It almost seems impossible for me to believe that this may actually be it, i'm okay with waiting a few days to find out if it is but the thing that worries me is the fact that I should really be on progesterone if this is indeed it. I am sure now that I did pin-point ovulation correctly (after much discussion with Bumble) so I am indeed 16dpo today, the only other times has been late was due to progesterone supplements and a cyst, yes that lovely cyst! However, I was at reflexology on saturday and she says that my ovaries feel fine, says she can't feel any inflamation or cysts....maybe she was wrong, I hope not, please G*D, please please please let this be it!!

I'm sorry that this post is all over the place but that is exactly how I am feeling lately, I cry at the drop of a hat too which is also a bit over the top for me, but once again, I blame the hormones - which ever ones they may be!

Monday, October 1, 2007

What was I thinking....

15dpo today - HPT this morning due to high temps (very strange) - BFN - AAAARGH!! Still no sign of the old hag...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Some inspiration...

A special friend of mine who also happens to be suffering with infertility sent this to me, and I just had to share it with all of you, I hope that this brings a smile to your face and peace in your heart if you are having a bad day!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flower s on your side of the path!

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

I'm a happy Peanut!!

It’s been quiet over here in Peanut’s land, not much happening really. Frank and I are now in our 2ww after our 2nd DIY cycle and I am happy to say that so far this cycle has turned out much better than the last one with Ovulation on CD15!! That’s much better than it has been which means that my cycles are now under 30 days again, I am a happy Peanut!!

As you all know, this DIY thing is not as easy as 1, 2, 3. It takes some practice to get back into the “swing” of things, I mean really, it’s been a while since having s.e.x was for trying to make a baby, well in our lives that is. So timed intercourse was out the window months ago and getting back into it was not so easy. It turns out that luck was on my side this month, Murphy has seemed to have left the building this time round!! Frank and I had planned a weekend away, as I have said in my previous posts…my husband is particularly stressed at the moment, work is hectic. As it turns out, a lady that I work with won a prize for a helicopter ride and breakfast on a mountain in Parys (not Paris – said Pa-race) which is about an hours drive from us, she had to go in for an op so decided that she would like to give it to me, Frank and I decided to make a weekend out of it and booked ourselves in for Friday and Saturday night with the heli ride on Sunday.

We had the most awesome weekend, lots of relaxing, reading and sitting by the river enjoying the view and the sun!! Oh and not to mention some much needed lovin’!! I was in the dark a bit about my cycle this month but was delighted to see my old friend EWCM on Friday night, I ovulated on Sunday which I was very happy about seeing as tho it was very well timed with our “dirty” weekend. Maybe, just maybe this will be the miracle that we have been hoping for provided I never killed off Frank’s sperm like I normally do, I never even thought about the bicarb douche this time round, oh well….sometimes miracles do happen, now we wait….and hope.

Here are some pics from the weekend…

In other news, Frank and I had time to chat about our FET, I’m not quite sure if I got my way yet as no decisions were made but some seeds were indeed sown. I want to do the FET in my next cycle, Frank initially said that October is really stressful for him and that we should wait until Nov, he then asked what it involved and I said, a couple of scans, a trigger and then the transfer….oestrogen and progesterone in the 2ww….and he said, okay…let’s take it as it comes and decide then….so ladies, either way…my little embies wont be frozen for much longer and I’ll be starting my FET cycle in 2 weeks or 6 weeks time….Peanut is very happy!! Roll on BFP!!

While you’re out and about ~ please go over and say congrats to Leah (little pee stick monster) and Erin who have mananged to get their BFP’s!! Bumble who has just found out that she is having a little girl and that she is perfect, and then last but not least….Mands, who is almost on her way to stimms!!

Monday, September 3, 2007

Post IVF....Cycle number 3!

Well, as you clever little bloggers all guessed it…AF made her appearance yesterday, right on schedule. I’m okay, really…I’m not going to lie and tell you that I wasn’t a bit disappointed although I really expected AF to come, I was disappointed….I felt like crying but I didn’t and I was just feeling sorry for myself in general. I also think that when AF finally hits us, we are feeling rather hormonal anyway, so I’m just gonna blame the hormones for now.

Frank was a sweetie and took me out to Milky lane for a Whispers Waffle and Ice cream and while we were sitting there we spoke about the FET and things that have gotten away from us, it’s funny how life takes a back seat when IF is in the house! It’s taking us some time to get back on our feet financially, two and a half years of IF will do that to your finances, we are doing fine but have a few things to sort out, the good news is that by the end of the year, we’ll have cleared everything and hopefully have money left over for another fresh IVF cycle, which of-course we are hoping to not have to do but just in-case…

I try to explain to Frank and everybody that I am okay, I’m getting anxious and can’t wait to get on that rollercoaster again. We IF’s are a strange lot, as much as we hate the rollercoaster, we’re always rushing to get in line for it!! I can wait another two months or so to do the FET and this break has done both of us the world of good. I was broken after my IVF, emotionally and physically and I had no hope what-so-ever for my FET, I was convinced that it wouldn’t work anyway so I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to even go there. I feel different now, I have so much hope for my little embies, I’m feeling really good and I know that by the time I get there, I’m going to be so much better and really really ready!

But I am still angry, so I’m okay…but angry. The anger just never seems to go away, sometimes it just simmers under the surface and on other days it just wants to explode and bubble out for everyone to see…I still really don’t get any of this. It makes me angry that Frank and I even have to do this, that we have to try and work out when to do a FET because money comes in to it, it makes me angry that I see pregnant women everywhere and that I am jealous of them and that all I want is to be them, it makes me angry that I even have to feel this way….I’m angry at myself for not making peace with it, for even trying to understand “why” after all this time. I am angry for being angry…

The strange this is that none of this even seems real, I can’t get my mind around the fact that we have done IVF, that we have little embies out there waiting for us to make a decision, the fact that I would have already been 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now, the fact that I feel like I am wasting precious time….

I’m rambling, please forgive me but there is so much that I need to get out, the kind of stuff you don't realise is there until your fingers hit the keyboard. When I type these words I realise that I am not ready, I think I am ready but my mind isn’t. I need to get rid of all this anger, I need to be free of it now, I need to accept that this is the way it is but that it’s not the end of the world, I will be okay, I wont be angry anymore one day, one day I will feel different about all of this, I will have my little one and like Bumble, I will finally be alive, finally complete.

Okay so this was meant to be a short one...I am happy about one thing…33 days is better than 39…maybe this one will be a normal 26 days!! See even my body is telling me to take some more time…

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Updates...and Rocking girl bloggers!!

No, I haven’t fallen off the edge of blogland, I’ve been quite busy lately so I haven’t had much time to blog. I have however been trying to keep up with your blogs…there is just so much happening out there at the moment, so many of you ladies are now pregnant and are living from day to day, from scans to scans….some of you are waiting for beta’s – I wish you all the best of luck!!

There is really not much happening on my side, I am sure that I am more than half way through my 2ww by now, this cycle was so confusing, my 4 day long EWCM never corresponded with my temp rise so now I wait for AF to come so that I can really pin-point when I O’d. Weird stuff I tell you, it’s funny how much the IVF drugs have messed up my cycles, I think that this cycle will be about 33 days which is better than a 39 day cycle but still quite a bit longer than the 26 day cycles I am used to.

As a result of my cycle being so screwed up, the DIY thing never worked that well…so I think we missed O by quite a few days so there really is the slightest chance that it may have worked but I’m not getting my hopes up, in fact…for the first time in a long time, I wont be devastated when AF shows, I will however be very surprised if she doesn’t…It feels good to not worry about it, to not analyse every twitch and every symptom and to just be.

Frank and I have been having some really good times with friends and you know that I would be lying if I said that being childless didn’t still bother me, I do still think about it, in fact as time passes, I am starting to think about it even more. I have not told Frank, I’m letting him enjoy the break but I am starting to think about our FET, I think that I’ll be ready for it quite soon, when I say quite soon I am hoping for October/November so that is still a little while away. We are planning to go away in the first week or so of November and ideally I would like to have had my transfer already so that we can really take it easy but with my cycles being so screwy, it’s not easy to work out if the would even be an option. All I know is that I don’t want to cycle anywhere close to Christmas and New year, last year we were in our first IUI 2ww over Christmas and I found out on New years day that it hadn’t worked, not the way I want to start a new year this time round!! So I suppose we’ll see how it goes…but I do think of my little embies often and wonder if just maybe they are going to make me a mommy soon!

In other news, Mands and I met for brunch on this past Saturday, it was wonderful seeing her again, it’s so nice to have personal contact with someone that really gets me, it’s different talking to a fellow IF than talking to other friends that just.don’t.get.it, the ones who stare blankly at you and ask the same question 10 thousand times – geez, not usre where that came from - as I was saying, Mands is real special, such a sweet, down to earth soul and I can really sense the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I am wishing you all the best with your up-coming IVF sweetie, maybe we’ll be cyclesista’s!! Let’s hope we can bring our little ones up together!!

So now, down to the rocking girl bloggers!!

1. Janine from Me the bumblebee – Janine is such a special soul, when I think of Janine I think of her as being my twin soul, we have that connection. She has also been there during the hard times and I know that I can always count on her no matter how she is feeling at the time. I wish that we were closer but even tho we are far apart I know that we have a friendship that will last a lifetime! Her blog has touched so many of us through the way that she is so open and honest, a very special soul indeed! I am so happy for her aswell, she has been on this IF rollercoaster way too long!

2. Anna from Anna's parapraxis - I only started reading Anna's blog at the beginning of her IVF which wasn't that long ago...I really connected with Anna and it's really weird but I feel so close to her. I can totally relate to the way Anna's says things and am also hoping for the best now that she is pregnant!

3. Mands from The secret Garden - I have said quite a bit about Mands above but also want to add that she is such a positive person and I love that about her, hoping that your journey ends soon my friend.

4. Sticky bun - I have been reading sticky's blog since the very beginning of my blog, this is one blogger that I can totally relate too, she also says it how it is and isn't afraid to let the raw feelings of IF come pouring out, she has a wonderful balance between strength and sensitivity. Here's to the two little stickies you have growing inside you sweetie!!

5. JJ from Reproductive Jeans - I think that JJ has to have been chosen more than once, I see JJ as the centre of our blogesphere, JJ pulls us all together. She has some wonderful idea's and just brings us all together. JJ also has the most wonderful way of putting thing, her writing is beautiful and I think that we all love JJ! I hope your journey ends soon JJ!

I wish that I knew all of you in person, you are all very special ladies!

Sunday, August 26, 2007

Can you tell I'm bored?

Your Birthdate: August 4

You have an extraordinary character - moral, responsible, and disciplined.
Your sincerely and honesty shine through in almost every situation.
Driven and focused, you rarely let your emotions get the better of you.
You're level headed and rational. People count on your to look at things objectively.

Your strength: Your unwavering loyalty and ethics

Your weakness: Your rock solid stubbornness

Your power color: Navy blue

Your power symbol: Shield

Your power month: April

Thursday, August 16, 2007

More pics...

Kel, Emm & Me...
Kelly & I (very drunk at this stage)...
Frank & I... My Darling & my sister... My cousin & I...
That's all for now folks...don't want to bore you!!

Birthday pics and DIY news...

Well well well, now I know that my birthday was like 2 weeks ago now but we decided to go out with some friends on friday night since the weekend of my birthday didn't work because everyone was a bit flat. The same can't be said for Friday night...we got home at 6am in a very very very drunken state, we had so much fun and I really needed it...

I have told you many times how IF has changed my life and I have recently decided to get my life and my husband back, I stopped doing everything that made me who I am, hell I even stopped drinking coffee and while this probably all helps for IF, it was really doing me no good, so I am going to live my life now and try not put IF first. Of-course this may take a bit of getting used to but we are going to try, we are not going to be stoopid about this and live our lives in a drunken stooper etc but instead of saying "but what if" all the time we are just going to try and live like we did before IF came along...oh, the days of innocence.

As for my DIY cycle, it's been harder than I thought and now remember what it was like trying on our own without Dr's to tell is what to do and when to do it. The whole IVF seems to have messed things us quite a bit, I was hoping to have a normal cycle this month seeing as tho last month was so strange and altho it is looking better, things are still strange.
I am on CD17 today and have had some cramping in my ovary area since day 7, I was worried that I may have a cyst but didn't feel like getting proded and pocked so I left it, I'm happy to say that I have had tons of EWCM for 4 days now and it is finally starting to dry up so hopefully that egg is going to pop sometime soon. Waiting for a temp rise (yes, I caved...don't know how to do this without help anymore). I have decided not to do the prog.esterone thing this month and just see what happens...
And now for some pics from Friday night...

Okay, so blogger is buggering me around and I need to go out quick....more pics to follow...

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Personality test...

Now, this is quite accurate...really sounds like me...see, I told you I was a control freak!!

Click to view my Personality Profile page

ESTJs are responsible, logical, norm-following hard workers. Their efforts are carried out in a practical, structured manner. ESTJs trust facts and experiences more than theories. They are decisive, loyal, tradition observing individuals. They enjoy being the person in charge and often make good supervisors.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

To all the special women I know...

Tomorrow is women's day here in S.A - so I wanted to share a few words that were sent to me by a friend...I am proud to be a women and proud to be connected by the world wide web with all you wonderful women!! Here's to all of you...

You can feel her INNOCENCE in form of a daughter
You can feel her CARE in form of a sister
You can feel her WARMTH in form of a friend
You can feel her PASSION in form of a beloved
You can feel her DEDICATION in form of a wife
You can feel her DIVINITY in form of a mother
You can feel her BLESSING in form of a grandmother
Yet she is so TOUGH too…
But her heart is so TENDER
She is a WOMAN
And she is life!!!

To all the wonderful woman that I know, I hope you have a fantastic woman’s day and hope you won’t forget how special you are!!!
Tons of love xxx

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

New beginnings!!

I’m back!! Sorry I have been MIA for a while, things have been quite hectic!! I wasn’t on at all this weekend (it was my 29th birthday!!) and missed the good news of Anna’s BFP!! Great news Anna, you know i’m still praying for ya!! Go and show her some love ladies!! Also, I was so pleased to hear that Sticky bun has two, yes two little stickies in there, woo hoo chicken, praying for you too!!

On a sad note, Carrie is really needing your love right now, please go give her some, also JJ, we are all worried about you sweetie and please know that you are in our prayers always.

My little friend Bumble has also hit the 15 week mark and I must say that I am so thrilled that things are going well, I think of you all the time my friend and wish that we were closer…

In other news, I am happy to announce that all it took for our not so loved auntie to make her appearance, was a call to Vita*lab…she came running like so mad women!! So, I am on CD 8 of our DIY cycle today, let the games begin!! I normally ovulate around CD12 (presuming this cycle will be normal) so I am waiting for EWCM to make a show and then I’ll start with the bicarb…lovely, lovely stuff I tell ya!! I am not temping or POAS or on any OPK’s so I’m winging it which will be a new one for me….wish me luck!!

I am still in two minds as to what to do with the progesterone so I need to actually phone a nurse at Vita*lab and ask for some advice, you see I don’t want to not take it because I’m worried that I *might* fall pregnant and lose it because I’m not on progesterone but also don’t really want to be on progesterone because it delays AF and I’d have to test every month and ya’ll know I just love POAS!!! We’ll see I suppose…

I am also happy to report that I am feeling much much much better lately, I think that waiting for AF played a big part in the way I was feeling, I feel like I can finally breathe again, it’s almost like I can finally close that chapter, the failed IVF chapter that felt like it was never going to end. I’m starting over now, with renewed hope and strength. I have decided that this next year of my life is going to be the one, I will be pregnant before I am 30!!!

Thank you all for all your kind words during my difficult weeks and I love you all for being so special, I honestly don’t know what I would have done without the great support for all you guys. Hugs for all of you.

I have been a bit slack with comments and blog reading lately but I am trying desperately to catch up, but please know that I am thinking of you all as you travel the road to your different destinations!! Here’s to new beginnings!!

Monday, July 30, 2007

Bitter sweet...

Well it seems that most of you are on board, please let me know if there is anyone that I have left off that would like to come over (thanks JJ!!), I hope that this is not too difficult, there were loads of readers to close to home for comfort…statcounter is a wonderful warning tool!! We have shared parts of our journey with some people but there are just some things that I can’t bear for them to read…

I am sorry that I have been MIA for a while but I have been keeping an eye on all of you, Congrats to Baby Blues and Sticky bun!! JJ, we are waiting with baited breath for your results chicken, praying it's good news!! Also while you’re out and about, please send some love to Carrie too.

Life hasn’t been easy lately and so I am taking things one day at a time, I am finally starting to sleep again and am feeling a little better, I am still going for physio and that seems to be helping too. I still have bad days where I feel very tearful but those are also getting to be less frequent. I’m still getting a lot of headaches but I still think that it’s got a lot to do with my screwed up cycle.

Talking about screwed up cycles, I am now on CD39, I have never never never had a cycle this long, the good news is that it does feel like AF might be on her way but in saying that I have felt that a few times and still have nothing to show for it!! The sad thing is the warped part of my brain has been wondering if maybe, just maybe they got my beta wrong, now how sad it that!! Of-course I do know that that is highly unlikely and it does amaze me to think that my brain can still go there…not all is lost.

Frank and I have been fine, like I said before, things have been difficult and I do know that it has all been me, I am so over-emotional and irrational, difficult as all hell. It has taken me some time to see that it is all me and that the poor guy is trying to make sense of what has replaced his once calm and loving wife, I am still in here but I’ve been battling to get out a bit. I never thought of myself as a stressed person who over-reacts at the drop of a hat, I have always been quite calm and happy go lucky, IF has changed that, no actually it was gradual, IVF seems to be what pushed me over the edge and destroyed my balancing act!!

It’s taken some real soul searching to realize that it is time to start making a change, I don’t know how I let myself become this person, I don’t particularly like who I have become now days (as I am sure neither do most of you) and I am on a mission to get the old Tam back, I have found some yoga classes which I am going to join (just one) and have decided to start looking after my body again because I have been punishing it something terrible lately and once my cycles come back to normal I am going to start acupuncture.

Frank and I still haven’t discussed the FET, we are leaving that conversation for when I am more myself and a lot less stressed and emotional, it’s the last thing I can think about right now, right now I need some work. It has also occurred to me that maybe the stress is just too much for my body to cope with and maybe that’s part of the reason I can’t fall pregnant, maybe my body just wont allow me to go there until my mind is right, I need to learn to….yes, I am going to say that word us IF’s hate….R.E.L.A.X!!

Time is passing quite quickly now, it’s been 10 weeks since I started my stim cycle for IVF, so if it had worked then I would be almost 10 weeks pregnant by now and my life would be very different, it’s been almost 6 weeks since I got my BFN and it is slowly starting to feel better. It really gets me that we have to deal with screwed up cycles on top of all this, damn IF!!

And here comes the bitter sweet part, a very dear friend of mine had her little baby boy this morning, today marks a very bitter sweet part of my journey, this friend also had problems conceiving, we both went to Vitalab in October last year, the only difference is that she fell pregnant on her first cycle there and as a result finally has her little bundle of joy…I am of-course very happy for her and will be seeing them and their new arrival tonight, I love her dearly and wish only the best for them but this is still a hard day….

Monday, July 23, 2007

Please come and join me....

This is a shout out to all of you precious ladies that have travelled this road with me, I am about to make my blog private which means that you will only be able to read it through invitation from me...so please, please, please send me your e-mail adresses so I can send you an invite...

You can either send your adresses to me @ tammydotgardiner@spardotcodotza or you can leave me a comment with it in it...hope to see you on "the other side"

Lots of love to you all...

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Hoping for a Miracle...

I finally decided to go to my GP, Frank has been bugging me to go and see her because I just can’t shake these headaches, I’ve been getting headaches daily since before my BFN. I thought it was just hormones so I phoned Vita.lab and spoke to one of the nurses, she says that no, the hormones would have worked themselves out in a week or so…

Anyway, I went to her thinking that she’d say that it’s just sinus and maybe a bit of flu coming on since I have been sore all over and generally feeling a bit out of sorts. It turns out that it’s all stress related – funny that! The headaches are tension headaches (they can tell you this by where they are), my neck is stiff and sore which I have been complaining about but thought I’d just to get to a message sometime but she’s sending me for physio…

So the diagnosis, stress and fatigue…with a bit of sinus. She also wants to check my thyroid and iron levels because apparently I look a bit anemic….or maybe it’s just lack of sun :)

I sat and spoke to her for a while about IF, she is planning IVF in the next 6 weeks as well so knows how hard this can be, it was refreshing to speak to someone different. You see, her life has been much harder than mine…A few years ago, she was in a car accident and was in a coma for 6 months, she was in the top 3 of her class and in the middle of med school when this happened. When she came around, she had to learn how to walk and talk and do all the things you and I take for granted, she eventually went back to med school and failed. She tried again and finished in the top 20, the reason she needs IVF is because she was so messed up from the accident that she is unable to fall pregnant without IVF. A sad story but also one of those that gives you hope and makes you realize that maybe, just maybe your life isn’t that bad.

She is wonderful, so full of life and positivity. I really take my hat off to her. Anyway, she asked why I can’t fall pregnant and I told her it was because of Endo, hostile mu,cus/acidity and a prog deficiency, she said that many people fall pregnant with all of these naturally and she is right, we just got sick of the DIY stuff and stopped trying naturally…she also said that she thinks that I haven’t dealt with this enough, haven’t quite moved on and she is right.

After my appointment with her, I spoke to Frank and we have decided to give it some more time, we will start trying naturally as soon as my body is back to normal, I will do the bicarb thing for my acidity and get prog.esterone from her to use in the 2ww. We are thinking about putting the FET off until next year, for now this is the plan, “the plan” might change of-course and I might not be able to wait as long for the FET but for now I feel good. I need to put this all behind me for a bit, it’s been a hard year. It’s not an easy decision to make but one that I feel I needed to. Who knows, miracles do happen every once in a while…

Prayers for Bumble...

I know that most of you have been over at Bumbles to wish her, Mr Bumble and little sprog well, but if you haven’t please go over and give them some support, they are going through a really rough time right now.

Bumble, my heart is breaking for you my dear friend, I wish that I was there to give you a hug and to cry with you, just to hold your hand. Like I said to you yesterday, I am here for you anytime – night or day – just a phone call away. There isn’t anything that I can say that will make you feel better and all I can say is that I am so sorry.

You, Mr B and little sprog are in my prayers, I am praying that they have made a mistake and just want to double check. It makes me so angry that you even have to go through this, you don’t deserve this.

I’m sending you big hugs, praying for the strength for you to get through this, I love you my dear friend…

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Sharing some of our history....

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you…

I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held on to
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

Forgetting all I’m lacking
Completely incomplete
I’ll take your invitation
If you take all of me...

Now I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held on to
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and I’m not sure where to go
I don’t know what I’m diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you…

There’s nothing else to loose
There’s nothing else to find
There’s nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else…

This song means so much to Frank and I. It was our wedding song and we have a history with it…I’m going to share some it with you…

Frank and I met at work, it was 10, almost 11 years ago. At the time, we were both single but eventually we both involved with other people. I always felt like there was something more there, this strange attraction. Neither of us acted on it, we were just friends and over the years our friendship turned into something beautiful. Frank knew me inside out and I like to think that I knew him that well too, we used to speak about our relationships and everything else that we call life.

Eventually I got engaged and so did he, I thought I was happy but I was kidding myself, I was miserable. My fiancé drank way too much and was very possessive, he had also been married before and had a little boy, that was the easy party, I loved T to bits, he was only about 6 months old when we started dating and was almost 5 when I finally left his Dad, that was hard. I had to put up with a horrible ex-wife who couldn’t be bothered about her child and only used him to get to us and his parents who thought that they should have stayed together for the child so they never gave me the time of day. It was a very long 4 and a half years of my life, bearing in mind that I was only 18, almost 19 when we started dating so I was nothing like I am now. I was way too young and naïve.

Eventually I came to my senses and left him, it was all too much and I really just couldn’t do it, he never left me alone and eventually I went back to him and got engaged and started planning our wedding all over again. During this time Frank and I had become even closer, he was going through a rough time as well. No-one could understand why I was doing this and everyone was too scared to say anything, it was ridiculous.

It was almost 6 years ago now when it was nearing my birthday, I had decided that I was going to leave my fiancé again, nothing had gotten better, it was worse and I just couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him and his family. They had planned to go away on the weekend of my birthday and I said I wasn’t going, he begged me to go and try and sort things out, I went but by this time my feelings for Frank had already developed into something more.

The day before I left for the weekend I told Frank that I thought about him every time I heard this song (hanging by a moment), he said he’d never heard it. I went away that weekend and it was terrible, the worst birthday I have ever had, we fought all day, I cried all day. I just wanted to go home, to make matters worse, Frank had sent me a birthday message, we fought about that and I was accused of having an affair, what was happening was wrong, I did have feelings for Frank but nothing had happened between us.

We got home on the Sunday and I moved out straight away, back with my parents. I got back to work on the Monday and switched on my computer and as I signed on, Hanging by a momemt started playing (Frank used to be the network admin here so he could do cool things like this). It was then that I knew that this was definitely what I wanted. By this time Frank’s relationship had also ended and we started dating straight away, this was in the August, we went through a few months of hard times, we should have waited and eventually we broke up, I was devastated but Frank needed time to figure out what it was that he wanted out of life, we kept getting back together and eventually broke up for good in November.

I had just moved out of my parents place into my own flat, things were difficult, I became very depressed and started seeing a psychologist, he put me on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets, I started losing weight, it was all terrible, I spent days crying in my office, trying to dodge Frank in the passages which was hard because at the time we worked in the same dapartment, it wasn’t only Frank, he had just been the last straw, I had a lot to deal with that hadn’t been dealt with – Childhood issues.

Eventually things got better, I was feeling better and was dealing with everything one day at a time, I started dating someone I had met through a friend in February. I was still trying to get over Frank but had decided that it was time to move on, I was not what he wanted anymore (or so I thought). I went away at the beginning of March and during this time Frank tried to phone and sms me, I ignored it all. Eventually I came back and came into work a day early to do some stuff. I saw Frank and he asked if we could have dinner together, I said that it was okay as I expected him to cancel anyway because that’s what things were like way back when. We went for dinner and the rest is history. Next year March marks 5 years together.

Hanging by a moment holds so many memories for me, it was the song we used for our first dance at our wedding. The words are just so touching for me and they still mean so much during our journey now, somehow we are still hanging by a moment.

My apologies for the long post, just wanted to share some history with you all, it’s a very important part of our journey!

Today is CD20 and I have the first sign of what may be ovulation (8 days later than normal), EWCM!! If Frank wasn’t still so sick, I might consider that DIY thing!!

Monday, July 9, 2007


I’ve had one of those weekends, I’ve been fine really and feeling much better…and all of a sudden it happens again, I end up in a puddle of tears.

My sister came to stay by us on Friday night and on Saturday we coloured her hair and went shopping, the things we girls like to do. I was feeling fine but I could feel that dark cloud coming, I’ve been worried about a few things…I’m getting headaches daily, most mornings I wake up with them so that has been worrying me, I’m putting it all down to hormones and my body trying to re-adjust, I also have no idea what’s happening with my body, I am normally so in tune with it, I know exactly which day I ovulate on etc, this month I have felt nothing and I am already on CD17…very strange for me, of-course they did tell me this might happen but I am normally like clockwork. It’s okay of-course because we aren’t doing the DIY thing, we taking a real break for a change but I just like to know what’s going on and right now I am clueless…but I digress….

So on Saturday night I got home from shopping and a friend of Frank’s was there, he’s a very close friend and I love him dearly but sometimes he just DOES.NOT.GET.IT, we were chatting about things and out of the blue he says, “and so, what’s happening with you?” and I say, “What do you mean?” to which he replies, “are you pregnant yet” and I say “no, we still trying, it’s been hard”….and at this point I know, I know what I am getting myself into, we’ve been down this road before and it never ends well. I should stop here, but I don’t….we carry on chatting about it and he says that he knows that it must be hard but this is a choice we’ve made, we have made the choice to go for treatments and not to stop and just accept it, so we could stop it all right now, it's a choice.

The conversation carried on a bit and I didn’t really get too upset, my answer was, well what choice to we have really, it’s this or not having children but I do get what he is trying to say, at the end of the day it all comes down to that.

I hardly slept on Saturday night, thinking about the choices we have made and whether it was time to stop and the truth is that I can’t stop yet, as hard as this is, it’s harder to think of our lives without a child and I do feel like we’re getting closer but at the same time I feel so lost. I think about whether I am being fair about this, how much heartache this has caused to not only me but my family aswell and I just want it to stop, I don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to have to make these choices and the more I think about it, the more upset I get because this wasn’t a choice I ever wanted to make, this is so unfair, I was never even given a choice in the matter, i didn't ask for infertility!

I cried most of yesterday, it was hard because we had to go to lunch with Frank’s family for his mom’s birthday, I love his family to bits and his mom really get’s me, she understands me so well and I can tell her anything, she is very very close to my heart and it does help to just cry and be held and told that it’s okay. She’s very worried about me and thinks that maybe I need to talk to someone, I have been for councelling for this before and it really doesn’t help me to have someone tell me that what I am feeling is normal, I know that this is all very normal, you cannot go through infertility and not be changed, there are so many ways that it affects you and each of us deal with it differently, it all takes time, we all get better eventually but I can understand how infertility can cause depression, there is a very fine line there.

I am okay, just really sad still, most of the time I am fine tho, I do still think about it a lot, I’m getting anxious, in a way I want to just wait, wait until I feel better and more sure but the other part of me just wants to move on, taking a break isn’t always easy, even when you need to. I don’t have a choice and maybe that’s a blessing in disguise, we have to wait, it forces me to deal with all these emotions before moving on and just burying them as I have done before.

I’m not going to lie, it’s hard seeing all these BFP’s going around in blogland, and like JJ, I wonder if there’ll be enough for me. I don’t need to explain this feeling to any of you, you have all be there and know the feeling well, I am so happy for all of you and wish you all the very best and at the same time I am sad for me. I know that our turn will come, I am just not sure how much more it will take to get there and everyday I pray that the choice to stop trying will never be one I have to make.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

Taking our time and feeling better!!

I have to say that I am feeling much better today, it’s funny that having some sort of clarity on this whole thing helps. I feel like I can start letting go now and start moving forward again. I am not kidding myself by thinking it will just go away, I know that there will still be hard days but for now I feel okay.

We saw the Dr. on Friday and as I expected, they cannot tell you why it never worked, of-course they can’t, this is not an exact science after all. I am happy with the information that they did give us although it is not conclusive until we do another fresh IVF.

Basically he thinks that there might be an egg quality problem, first of all because none of the ISCI eggs survived which is strange and secondly out of the 10 eggs that they left to fertalise normally only 4 made it to transfer which only gives us a 40% fertalisation rate and for someone my age the fert rate should be between 70-80%. Of-course this is skewed a bit by the fact that we did ICSI, some of those eggs might have been okay and therefore our rate would have gone up. Eggs also vary from cycle to cycle so we would have to do another fresh IVF to conclude that there is a egg quality problem which hopefully we wont get to.

I can also stop worrying about running out of time as he says that I have up to 18 months before I need the endo removed again which gives us more time. The pain I was having on the weekend with AF is completely normal as he says that thicker your lining the more pain you will have, so I am not to worry about that.

My hormones are perfect and I responded very well to all the drugs during IVF, so if we were to do another fresh cycle then they would keep me on the same protocol. The only thing they would different is obviously not do ICSI and they would do a 5 day transfer instead of a 3 day transfer to make sure that the embryo’s they put back would be strong enough to take.

I have also been told that I need to wait 60 days or two cycles before doing the FET, this is to give your body a break as he says that your first cycle after IVF may not be normal, not sure why they make you wait another month after that but anyway. It’ll prolly do Frank and I the world of good and give us time to get back to basics. So the plan is to do the FET in September, we have 2 embies left as one never carried on dividing (it compacted) and the two 4 cell embies are now a 7 and 8 cell embryo which is good. They will do a natural cycle which means I wont be on any hormones to help my lining which shouldn’t be a problem anyway as my lining has always gotten thicker than 7mm. Should my lining not be thick enough then the cycle will be cancelled and we’ll do a medicated FET the next month. Obviously the cycle will also be cancelled should the embryo’s not survive the thaw…they will grow them for 2 days after the thaw so basically it will be like a 5 day transfer anyway, they will also do assisted hatching which is standard procedure here with FET.

So basically loads of info to take in. I have decided not to worry about the “questionable egg quality” thing as it’s still early in the game. Here’s two my two frozen little embies making it to babies and to having a two month break. I am stopping all reflexology and tabs for now and just living a little, doing stuff that’s good for the soul!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Moving along...

Thank you all for all your comments and virtual hugs, you guys are just awesome. Frank and I had a good’ish weekend, it was hard but good to get away. It gave us time to talk about everything and just let everything come out, we went for a nice long walk on Saturday and sat in the sun for hours talking and crying. Saturday was hard, I had terrible period pain and was bleeding quite a lot, it just felt like it was the final twist of the knife.

Nothing is set in stone as yet but I think that we have decided to move on with the FET after this cycle, we’ll need to speak to the Dr and figure out what kind of cycle they’ll do (i.e. natural or medicated) and go from there. Our plan is to have the ET and go away for two weeks afterwards, I think it’ll be better for me to be away from everything and everyone and just relax. Of-course we’ll need to see if we can get away from work etc.

I am on CD5 today so have worked out that if I have a 28 day cycle then I should have my transfer just before or on my birthday which should be about 2 to 3 days after O. I do think that maybe the timing isn’t great but we’ll see. Maybe by then we will both have renewed hope.

Frank has been wonderful and very understanding, he is very sick and has been back to the Dr since our return and they have finally figured out that he has a viral infection, shame…poor man, he is in a lot of pain. They say that he just needs to rest and that he should be fine in about a week or so. The fun just never stops!!

I am still feeling very confused and angry but I do feel better than I was feeling, it comes and goes. Sometimes there is this overwhelming sadness and sense of loss, I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you can feel so much sadness for something that you never really had, love something that you have never known. I have decided that it’s sadness for something that could have been. My little two, I was so sure that they were strong, that they had made it, I could imagine looking into their eyes and loving them so deeply. It’s a rather humbling experience, being so wrong about something you were so sure about. It’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last and somehow we just never learn.

I have been visiting Dr. Google again, I know that we have an appointment on Friday to discuss why this IVF failed, but I just need to know more. They do say that most times it’s because there was a problem with embryo’s, even tho they looked perfect it doesn’t mean that they could become a baby. There are various issues, not implanting (lining problems) and anti-body type issues, there are just so many reasons and I am not really sure what I am looking for, some answer to say that everything will be okay and that maybe next time round things will be better or even the next. I am looking for hope I suppose. I think that I should just wait and see what they say.

I need to make a list of questions that I need to ask, right now there are so many things swimming around in my head that I can’t really make sense of anything. If you guys have any suggestions of what to ask, they will be most welcome.

I find myself avoiding human contact, I don’t take phone calls unless I have to and I’m pretty much keeping to myself, I need to do this for my sanity. All I need right now is Frank and an understanding ear from you special people. I just don’t have the patience for everyone’s questions and comments when I have so many myself. I am sure that this is very normal and that I will feel better soon, we infertiles are quite resilient and I know that this too shall pass and become part of our journey.

I have been bad, I’ve started drinking coffee again and I’ve eaten enough chocolate to sink a battleship, I need to get back on track again and be good to my body, I will…just not this week.

I have been in contact with Bumble, she wanted to me to let you all know that everything is moving along nicely. She is 9 weeks today and is still a bit worried about things going smoothly, she is yet to find a gynea which she will do this week. They have moved into their new house and so she doesn’t have internet or mail but will be back on line once that is all sorted.

Friday, June 22, 2007

It was not meant to be....

Here I am, I know that you have all been waiting with baited breath for the update of yesterdays post, I am sorry for leaving you hanging.

My beta was negative, negative as in they don't even give you a number.

They really don't tell you much, we have an appointment to see the Dr next week friday to discuss the possible reason's of my embryo's not surviving, it just seems so sad that they were growing perfectly and then couldn't survive in me. We will also discuss when to a FET and whether it will be medicated or natural, and will discuss when. Right now, I don't feel like I can do this anymore, I feel like I could wait until Sept/Oct to do the FET as I feel like I need time to heal and deal with this, we will however take the Dr's advice due to my endometriosis time restraints, they gave me a year before I needed it removed again, that will be in Nov.

I cried so much yesterday and then all of a sudden I felt calm, it's a strange calm, sorta feels like the calm before the storm. I'm waiting for it to hit me, I hope that it doesn't, because I don't think it will be pretty.

I have so many feelings inside, they just wont come out, I lay awake most of the night thinking about how I feel, I feel like I'm someone else's body, like this isn't really happening, but the sad thruth of it is that it is my life.

I'm trying to put everything into words, maybe i'll feel better once it's all out:

I am ANGRY - more than anything there is ANGER
I am angry at myself for getting hurt again, I am angry at G*d, I am angry the I am infertile and that something that should be so easy is so hard...
I am resentfull...
I am so, so lonely...
I am not sure how to deal with this hurt anymore...
I am starting to lose my faith and that scares me...
I am scared of carrying on...
I am scared of stopping...
I am scared of doing the FET, what if it too fails...
I am not feeling strong at all, my world feels like it's crumbling down and there's nothing I can do...
I am in a bad place right now, I do know that things will get better and that time heals, I so want to not hurt anymore...

There is so much more, more that just can't be put into words. Thank you all for being there for me and for understanding and just listening, I know that you understand this more than anyone ever could.

Frank started getting chest pains yesterday afternoon, I think that scared me out of feeling sorry for myself, he gets so stressed and upset about it but doesn't know what to do with his anger, I cry. Anyway, we ended up and the Dr's getting an ECG and blood and blood pressure ect, they say that it's just stress - funny how a failed IVF cycle will do that to you. He does however have a very bad throat/nose & ear infection that he has been ignoring, so he is on antibiotics and feeling terrible. It's okay, it puts the focus on something else for me.

We are still going away this weekend, I think that it will be good for us instead of wallowing in self pity.

I will be better, like we always do, we will move on and get stronger again. Thank you all once again, I feel quite pathetic right now and I am sorry for whinging. I am still waiting for the ultimate betrayal of AF officially making her arrival, I can feel she's on her way but still keeping me hanging, damn cow!