Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Moving along...

Thank you all for all your comments and virtual hugs, you guys are just awesome. Frank and I had a good’ish weekend, it was hard but good to get away. It gave us time to talk about everything and just let everything come out, we went for a nice long walk on Saturday and sat in the sun for hours talking and crying. Saturday was hard, I had terrible period pain and was bleeding quite a lot, it just felt like it was the final twist of the knife.

Nothing is set in stone as yet but I think that we have decided to move on with the FET after this cycle, we’ll need to speak to the Dr and figure out what kind of cycle they’ll do (i.e. natural or medicated) and go from there. Our plan is to have the ET and go away for two weeks afterwards, I think it’ll be better for me to be away from everything and everyone and just relax. Of-course we’ll need to see if we can get away from work etc.

I am on CD5 today so have worked out that if I have a 28 day cycle then I should have my transfer just before or on my birthday which should be about 2 to 3 days after O. I do think that maybe the timing isn’t great but we’ll see. Maybe by then we will both have renewed hope.

Frank has been wonderful and very understanding, he is very sick and has been back to the Dr since our return and they have finally figured out that he has a viral infection, shame…poor man, he is in a lot of pain. They say that he just needs to rest and that he should be fine in about a week or so. The fun just never stops!!

I am still feeling very confused and angry but I do feel better than I was feeling, it comes and goes. Sometimes there is this overwhelming sadness and sense of loss, I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you can feel so much sadness for something that you never really had, love something that you have never known. I have decided that it’s sadness for something that could have been. My little two, I was so sure that they were strong, that they had made it, I could imagine looking into their eyes and loving them so deeply. It’s a rather humbling experience, being so wrong about something you were so sure about. It’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last and somehow we just never learn.

I have been visiting Dr. Google again, I know that we have an appointment on Friday to discuss why this IVF failed, but I just need to know more. They do say that most times it’s because there was a problem with embryo’s, even tho they looked perfect it doesn’t mean that they could become a baby. There are various issues, not implanting (lining problems) and anti-body type issues, there are just so many reasons and I am not really sure what I am looking for, some answer to say that everything will be okay and that maybe next time round things will be better or even the next. I am looking for hope I suppose. I think that I should just wait and see what they say.

I need to make a list of questions that I need to ask, right now there are so many things swimming around in my head that I can’t really make sense of anything. If you guys have any suggestions of what to ask, they will be most welcome.

I find myself avoiding human contact, I don’t take phone calls unless I have to and I’m pretty much keeping to myself, I need to do this for my sanity. All I need right now is Frank and an understanding ear from you special people. I just don’t have the patience for everyone’s questions and comments when I have so many myself. I am sure that this is very normal and that I will feel better soon, we infertiles are quite resilient and I know that this too shall pass and become part of our journey.

I have been bad, I’ve started drinking coffee again and I’ve eaten enough chocolate to sink a battleship, I need to get back on track again and be good to my body, I will…just not this week.

I have been in contact with Bumble, she wanted to me to let you all know that everything is moving along nicely. She is 9 weeks today and is still a bit worried about things going smoothly, she is yet to find a gynea which she will do this week. They have moved into their new house and so she doesn’t have internet or mail but will be back on line once that is all sorted.

19 comments:

Venusuvian Debs said...

Hey Tam,

I hope you feel better. Have been thinking of you. I haven't posted in quite a while (very busy at work). But Mands and I speak often of you and Janine. Holding thumbs for you, however you move forward from here! ((hugs))

Sarah said...

yeah i think you're right that this is all normal. take care of yourself in whatever way works for you. antisocial chocolate hoarding sounds perfect! i hope you find the answers you're looking for. sometimes the hardest thing about infertility is that there often aren't any. thinking of you.

Bea said...

Sorry the outcome wasn't better. Just wanted to say it probably was just the wrong embryo - I can guarantee that everything else you googled is wildly improbable. Having said that, get some tests done if it helps you have hope.

Also, hope will return. It's amazing how often.

Bea

Reproductive Jeans said...

Just take care of yourself...and poor Frank--I hope he feels better soon! I hope that Friday is a good appt in the sense that you get the answers you are looking for...im thinking of you!

Here I am said...

I'm so sorry you are going through such a hard time. Your writing has really moved me and although I have not been through IVF, I have been through 3 failed IUIs and a miscarriage in the your wanting to be alone right now with your husband. I think when we go through these kinds of struggles, we just want to sit in our cocoon where it's safe and comfortable and you should for as long as you need to. Take care of yourself and I'm sending over huge hugs and wishes for your days to get easier and for your heart to be filled with hope very soon...

ultimatejourney said...

Oh, Tam, I'm so sorry. Even if those embies never could've become babies, they were filled with the promise of new life. Hugs.

Carrie said...

Tam,
This is the time to be good to yourself. Whether it be coffee or chocolate, anything which helps in the short term is ok.

I hope you get some answers at your follow up appointment. x

Leah said...

Avoid people, eat tons of chocolate, drink coffee until you float away. Do it all, and don't feel the slightest bit guilty about it. I'm so sorry that you're so sad right now, I wish there was something I could say to make it better. Just know I'm thinking of you and sending lots of healing hugs your way.

Amy said...

Its totally fine to avoid people (and have chocolate!). You need to take care of YOU- thats all that matters. Be good to yourself Tam. I think going away for a few weeks after the FET ET sounds like a WONDERFUL idea.

Mands said...

I realise that you probably want to have some time to heal, which is why I have not called. Take all the time you need, friends are there to help, not to make the burden worse.
Take time and indulge yourself - if it means copius amounts of coffee and choccies, then so be it.
A manicure and massage never hurt either :-)
Maybe I will see you at Vitalab when you go for your FET... we may be Cyclesistas.
Many Hugs - Mands xx

Sticky Bun said...

"We infertiles are quite resilient and I know that this too shall pass and become part of our journey."

This is so eloquently put, but at the same time, it's what makes me so angry. I wish we all--I wish you--didn't have to feel so much pain. You're right that you will feel better, and I know that you will find hope again. In the meantime, I'm glad to hear that you're taking time to be kind to yourself. And I don't blame you for the coffee and chocolate! Go for it!

Hang in there, Tam. Thinking of you...

Kate said...

I am glad to hear that you are taking care of yourself- I think chocolate is a perfect way to do it! Big hug.

anna said...

Isn't it amazing to love something so unconditionally before it really even becomes more than a few cells? Your writing is very moving, and I'm thinkin of you. Bring on the chocolate, I say!

KarenO said...

I'm so sorry about your pain. Be kind to yourself, and cry as often as you want. hugz!

Becks said...

Hope you are starting to feel better.

We've been through similar disappointments only a month apart and I can tell you it does feel much better for me now - I hope you feel the same soon.

Good luck for the FET.

Baby Blues said...

Hang in there Tam. I hear you and I'm with you. In life, sometimes "moving along" is just what we have to do. Hugs.

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

The loss of what might have been is still a loss. Please take care of yourself and Frank. Know that all of us out here are thinking of you.

Bean said...

Tam,

So sorry to hear things didn't work out this time. Nice that you and your husband were able to have some time together over the weekend. I completely understand the confusion, anger, and sadness, and the need to be alone. I tend to retreat whenever we have a setback. Walking down the halls and work and smiling as if everything is OK is just too hard.

BIG HUGS.

AshPash said...

Tam: Just reading your story today. I am so sorry about the negative test result. I am no stranger to infertility but I AM new to this high tech IVF game. Just this morning, after getting news that our retrieval will be Tuesday, it hit me that I have set myself up for some major pain. So many of us absolutely understand...you are not alone. I know this was a huge disappointment but I know you will soon find yourself excited about the FET. Many good wishes!