Thursday, June 14, 2007

The 2ww and my perfect little girl...

It’s been a while since I last posted and it’s not because I am trying to stay away, I actually was in the middle of a “pathetic little me” post on Tuesday when a sub-station (power plant) in the area blew up, as a result of this our company and most of the surrounding area have not had power for two days….much fun!!

However, you can count yourselves lucky for the power failure, you missed the “pathetic little me” post and now I am feeling much much better!! To be honest I am still thinking about everything that made me feel not so good but it’s just not as bad once you get used to the idea.

Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster, doing IVF will do that to you, constant ups and downs; the sleepless nights; the weird dreams and the uncertainty of the whole thing is not that much fun. So, once I had my perfect little embies put back I was feeling much better, so relieved and really looking forward to that positive BFP, I was on cloud 9 ~ walking around like some IF newbie thinking that there was no question that this would end in a BFP…..

….and then, somehow, with no notice at all ~ I fell off my cloud…

….and came down to earth with a crash!!

All of a sudden it hit me. It hit me that this might not actually work and I was terrified, I didn’t sleep that night, I tossed and turned thinking about how I am going to deal with this, how the hell would I deal with a failed IVF cycle, I mean hello….IVF is supposed to work, it’s the big “MOTHER FUCKER OF FERTILITY TREATMENTS!!” but I am not that naïve, I finally realized that I should at least prepare myself for the worst and I was devastated. I mean really, everything has gone so well, something has to go wrong, this is really too good to be true. Tuesday carried on the same with me feeling sorry for myself, and it resulted in the “pathetic little me” post.

I am however feeling much better since then, Frank and I had a heart to heart about it and he told me that we would deal with it together and that finally it doesn’t need to be “too good to be true”. I need to keep the faith, we really do have a good shot at this and if it doesn’t work then we will pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off!!

It has been 6 days since my transfer, that makes it 9 days since my retrieval so technically I might be able to get a double line on a HPT but instead I find myself half way through the 2ww with another week still to go. I have promised my husband that I will not be using any HPT’s and so I will keep my promise as hard as it is (I must be losing my mind, I’m actually thinking of POAS ~ I hate the damn things!!)

On the symptom front, it’s very hard to tell what could be a symptom when you are on Prog.esterone and Estro.gen because it’s very hard to feel normal. My boobs are just a bit sore, sometimes more than others (this also depends on how many times I grope them a day), they also feel huge and are popping out my bra’s, I’m terribly constipated, I am getting pimples on my chest and face (lovely look for me) and I’ve had a couple of twinges (on days 3, 4 and 5 after transfer) in my lower abdomen which have since disappeared. The bloating has finally gone down so I feeling a bit more normal in my clothes. I think that if I read through previous posts, I could tell you that I’ve had all these things before so I am clueless as to whether my little two have implanted or not.

I am counting the days until my beta and praying all the time. My sweet friend Bumble has been a wonderful support (as usual) and tells me that we have an excellent chance of getting that BFP. I hope that she is right and that we can have our babies close together!

A friend of mine had her baby boy yesterday and as good friends do, we went to see them in hospital last night. Let me tell you that this little thing is too precious, I held him for ages while he just slept in my arms. Frank held him too and my heart was aching for our own baby. They are such perfect little creatures, a real miracle. I dreamt that I had my own baby last night, just one…my perfect little girl.


Leah said...

Oh boy do I sure know the crashing-off-cloud-9 feeling you describe. It sucks, and it always makes me angry at people who don't have to suffer through IF. They don't have to go through this torture! I'm so jealous of them that it just turns right into unjustified anger. Ugh.

Glad to hear your symptoms aren't too bad. Also glad to hear that Frank is being wonderfully supportive. There is every reason in the whole world to believe this is going to work, and I do truly, truly pray for you that it does!

You know I'm a pee stick junkie, so if you are looking to me to tell you not to cave and succumb to one, you've come to the wrong place. Do it! Do it! :-) Of course mine didn't turn out as I'd hoped, so maybe I'm just jonesing for someone else to experience the success I'm longing for.

Still praying for you, and can't wait to hear of your BFP, then your beautiful little baby girl!

Bean said...

Sorry you crashed, but glad you're feeling better. I'm headed for transfer on Sat -- so our 2WWs might overlap. I really hope it all works out for you.

Sticky Bun said...

The rollercoaster of IF does take on new meaning when you're doing IVF, I think. The sleepless nights, the vivid dreams, the fears, the hopes, the expectations. It's just. so. much.

I give you so much credit, though. I think you're being incredibly strong (particularly keeping your HPT promise--I know I'll cave on that one, I just know it).

But, Bumble's right. There is much to hope for. And I have much hope for you my friend. And I hope that your latest dream was a premonition of wonderful things to come.

thinking of you...

Bean said...

Thanks for your note yesterday. I can use all the support and help I can get right now. Good luck to you!

Anla said...

May all your dreams come true.

Baby Blues said...

I know what you mean. I don't know how I'll handle an IVF BFN, and it's one of the reasons I dread IVF. When there's hope, doubt always tags along. But hey, Bumble is right, you have good chances. And that dream is a good sign. :-)

Chanti said...

Hey Tam,
With so many who are going through the same thing and can really relate to how you are feeling and them praying for you, I think you have a wonderful chance for a BFN. All the more with such wonderful support from your hubby. I went to visit a frien of mine on Saturday to see her new twin girls (3 weeks old). They were with Vitalab also and the firs IVF worked. So how is that for positive feed back. I truly hope yours will have the same happy ending. Prayers to you and your little embies.

Mands said...

Hey Tam,
I am so sorry you had such a sucky start to your week. I am equally sorry that I have been too busy to notice.
I am so glad that you are feeling better, and I hope to get a full report on the "strange" feeling you have been having lately.

Mands xx