Monday, October 29, 2007

13dpo or 10 days past FET...

I must tell you all that I have started this post a few times now but haven't finished it because for one, I have been hellishly busy at work, trying to finish up before we leave for holiday and also because I don't really have much to this is a new one (I always have something to say!!)

And so time is moving along, it's actually gone quite fast compared to my normal 2ww. As of today, I have 2 more sleeps to go until I go for my Beta...and I am slowly but surely starting to loose my mind.

I have been feeling really good, really hopeful but must admit that I have had a few miserable days in which I've been grumpy as all hell. I still have no symptoms to write home about...normally by this time (and long before) I have progesterone-induced symptoms and this month I don't even have those....there are a few things that I think are odd but some days I think that maybe they are all in my head so I'll keep them to myself and make a list of them when my beta comes back positive!!

Anyway, I suppose it's okay because I don't know what it's like to be pregnant or how I will feel when I am because I have never been there before....Frank is convinced that I am pregnant, in fact he's even started talking to my tummy, asking our little ones to hang on tight, it's really sweet but does feel a bit wierd, he NEVER does stuff like that!! My Angel is still praying with me everyday and keeps on telling me that G*d is going to heal me....and you know what....I BELIEVE that he will....

Frank and I leave for holiday on Friday, so I'll go for my beta, wait for the news and then we'll be on our way so I wont be able to update you all...I'll ask Bumble to let you all know tho, I can't leave you in the dark for 10 days!!

Right now, i'm trying to stay calm and keep the hope alive...come on little Love, Hope and Faith...

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Do you think I have lost my mind....

Look at what I have done.....

Aren't they just too sweet...I know what you are thinking, I haven't completely lost it, maybe just a little bit...but let me tell you why...well, last night while getting in to bed I was thinking about this whole FET thing we've done, the one that has felt so surreal up until now and all of a sudden this thought popped into my head "well, who says it's gonna work this time, I mean really what's different and why should it"

And so it began, the doubts....I was hoping that they'd stay away a little longer but where there is today when my angel (that lady at work I was telling you about) came to pray for me, I told her that I was scared and that what if it didn't work! She told me (ever so calmly and as if she knows something that I don't know) that I need to believe and have faith, God will help me.

And so, I decided to get something to help me believe, something to help me have faith and so today after work, I went and bought 3 little vests, one for each of my littlies...Love, Hope and Faith.

I was also chatting to a lady that's temping by us at the moment (it's such a small world) she also went to Vitalab and has a 3 year old little boy from her very last FET and she was telling me that I need to visualise my little embies and see them growing and implanting, now I don't have a very good imagination but tonight that is what I am gonna try...

I also need to remind myself of a few things, this cycle is different from my IVF and will work because:
  • I was so much less stressed this time
  • My embies where grown for a little bit longer than my others so they must be stronger
  • They did assisted hatching on them this time which they say helps them break out and implant
  • This cycle was more natural, I didn't have all those hormones floating around in me, making me crazy
  • My lining was actually thicker this time round
  • My bladder was so full this time that it made my transfer much smoother (will post comparison scans soon)
  • There are three instead of two, so that should higher our chances for even a singleton pregnancy

That's all I can think of for now, it also helps that there are loads of women out there that FET's have been successful for, this needs to work!!

Other than starting to lose my mind, things are all fine...feeling very normal, just waiting for the progesterone to kick in!! Not that much longer to go tho, 9 more days!!!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Here's to the 2ww!!

And so the wait begins!! Sorry to keep you all hanging but i've been doing the bed rest thing, at home today too but back to work tomorrow.

My transfer was yesterday and I am very pleased to say that Love, Hope & Faith all survived the thaw and were ALL transferred! They are now 5, 8 & 9 celled embryo's (formally 4, 7 & 8 cells) and Dr J said that there was no sign of degeneration...

It's wierd because they are 5 day old embryo's grown for 3 full days and then thawed for 2 but have not yet reached blast stage which I pressume is normal when it comes to freezing and then thawing them, the "query compacted" one was the 4 celled embryo and that one kept growing, they think that the 9 cell one was compacting but put it back anyway because they had been wrong about the 4 cell one, like Dr J said....this isn't and exact science so it's a chance you take and I agree. I couldn't be happier!!

My transfer went much more smoothly than last time too because this time I made sure that my bladder was extra full!

I must say that I think I prefer FET's to the whole IVF procedure, I was much calmer this time round, in fact it still feels a bit surreal, I keep on having to remind myself that my embies are back where they belong. I'm feeling so much more positive too, I think the whole IVF procedure is a bit of a mind-fuck because you're so emotional from all the meds, the retrieval and just the whole process, this time round there's really none of that, yes the 2 day wait from thaw to transfer is scary but it just feels like there is so much less stress on your mind and body.

I started my progesterone last night, lovely stuff that, still drinking from 2.5 to 3 litres of water a day and (don't laugh) have been eating loads of pineapple!!

I can't tell you how happy Frank and I are that we have been blessed to get this far, thank you to all of you who were thinking of us and praying for us, it really means a lot. I have a good feeling about this cycle, I'm praying that little Love, Hope & Faith hang in there now (i'm not greedy but how do you choose, one live baby would be nice too).

Beta is on the 2nd November, i'll be 13 days past transfer then so the nurse said it might be too early, we might get a low beta but i think it will be fine, we are leaving to go away that day and I really didn't see the point in waiting until Monday which would be my origional beta date, if need be I'll have bloods done while we away....

Here's to the 2ww!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Tomorrow's the day...

....that Love, Hope and Faith get taken out the freezer and start growing again to be placed back into my waiting womb, I am so excited and ever so hopeful!

One of the ladies that I work with came to pray for me and my babies today, she's a lovely black lady that I have known for ages, she told me a while ago that she know's that we are battling to have a baby (she know's nothing more than that) and that she is praying for me but that if I want her to some and pray with me, I must tell her. I never did....

And so after my scan on Tuesday, I came into work and asked her to pray for me on Sunday, so she told me that she would but even better she would come and pray with me on Thursday and Friday...and so today, she came to my office and prayed for me, I have no idea what she was saying because she prayed in her language, but she put her hands on me, all over my tummy. I was so moved by this I felt like weeping....after that she told me to get a glass of water and she prayed over this glass and told me to drink it....we will do the same thing tomorrow and this time I will explain to her and ask her to pray for my embies too. I have never been comfortable with stuff like this but today, it just felt right.

I am going out with my girl-friends tonight, we'll have a few drinks and maybe some dancing, I didn't want to go because I think that I really shouldn't be drinking now but Frank thinks that it'll be good for me to just relax a bit and take my mind off things and he is right, so I'll have one or two and just have some fun...

Tomorrow's the day, grow little ones....grow!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Trigger tonight!

Yup, Yup and Yup again!!! We are triggering tonight, follie was a nice 18+ and lining a nice 11+, Dr is very impressed with my lining and said that it needs a baby now, I couldn't agree more.

It really heped that he was being nice seen as he walked in while I was still tryna get on bed (in all my nicker-less glory), I nearly fell off the bed I got such a fright, he did look suitably embarassed tho!!!

So, now I carry on drinking 2 - 2.5 litres of water a day (not sure why but this was the procedure during IVF too). They will take the embies out on Friday and they will phone me with instructions for Transfer on Saturday. I will be on progesterone but will only start that on Sunday, no Etra-pause this time and only one progesterone a day, funny how it's so different this time, I think they try and keep things more natural this time round which may just be the key!!

So, now we wait....and pray....for Love, Hope & Faith!!

Monday, October 15, 2007

I am grateful...

First off - let me give you the FET cycle update....CD11 today, third visit with my least favourite friend reveals a 16+ follie and a lovely triple stripe 9+ lining!!!! One more scan to go and then probably trigger tomorrow night and embie transfer on Sunday....wooooo hooooo!!!

I must be honest and say that as I was lying there today asking Dr G if growing them for two more days makes them 5 day embryo's and listening to his response I started getting a bit scared, you see they'll take them out of the freezer on friday, and according to him they should carry on growing and the reason they give them two days is to make sure that they are "viable" - oh shit, now that scares me. In one way, I don't want to be stupid and take for granted that we'll be doing a FET on Sunday but in another way, I want to be blissfully naive...

So I have chosen to be hopeful (because let's face it, we're way past the naive stage), I have chosen to believe that we WILL be doing our FET on Sunday, welcome in hope, please make yourself comfy for a very long stay!! You see, up until that word "viable" today, I have been so excited, so hopeful, feeling soooo much better than I have in a very very long time.

My MIL bought me this book, it's called "The secret" and basically it is about asking, believing and receiving our belief's, i'll do a post about it another time because I do believe that we can all benefit from thinking this way, but the one thing that struck a cord with me was "Ask for something once, believe that it will be given to you and then act as if you have recieved it, you cannot ask/recieve something if you don't believe that asking for it means that you will get it" Another thing is to think happy thoughts, be in that "good" place and banish all bad thoughts, bad thoughts become your reality and be thankful for what you do have, saying thank you and being thankful changes the way we feel about things.

Since I have been reading this book, I've been trying to live by these rules....and so far so good, and so I want to list the things I am grateful for:

I am grateful.....
....for my loving, faithful and understanding husband
....for my family, both new and old
....for my beautiful home
....for my health
....for my friends, real life ones and the ones I've made in blogland
....that we have technology to help us have children
....that we can afford fertility treatments as many can't
....that I have frozen embies to transfer
....that I still have time

There is so much more that I can add to this list but I might never stop, so those are the important ones, in today's world all we do is complain, we never have any good to say and from now on I'm going to try and stay positive and look at the good things in life instead of focusing on the bad.

Here is my tarot card that was on today...and also my inspiration for today's post:

The Nine of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in remarkable gratitude. I am not a victim. There are no lost causes. "I've been there, done that, and know suffering -- but it's all good." I'm still standing. "Can't touch this." Self-pity is an excuse to do nothing. To appeal to sympathy for pity's sake is to seek affirmation of the choice to do nothing. I am empowered by the spirit and support of meaningful experience and I transform with silent resilience.

While you are out and about, please send some love to Mands who has just had her ET and also to Chanti who is suffering a loss.....we are all here for you girls and praying everyday.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

One day we will all feel this way...

A friend sent me this poem and I must say that if I wasn't in the best frame of mind I think I might have been really sad but instead I choose to look forward to doing all these things with my children one day, and should you all because we WILL get there!!!

Just for this morning,
I am going to smile when I see your face
and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear,
and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning,
I am going to step over the laundry
and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink,
and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off
and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream
and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon,
I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up,
or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me bake cookies
and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon,
I will take us to McDonald's
and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms
and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening,
I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favourite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.......

Just beautiful, in my heart of hearts I know that we will all be kissing our children good-night one day and thanking God for this beautifull gift, just believe!

Monday, October 8, 2007

Love, Hope & Faith...

AF finally showed her face on friday and so on Saturday I went for a spin with my old friend, Mr Dildocam!! I can't really say that I missed that guy, nor can I say I missed Vita.lab. Now...don't get me wrong, I looooove Vita.lab, the dr's, the nurses, everything about them is wonderful, it's what Vita.lab represents that I don't love, it's being there and waiting for the scans and the treatments that I don't love. You see, we haven't done this in a while and so it felt really strange to be back there again, even Frank said "I don't like this place" and so be it. But they have our little frosties and they looking after them for us, so there you have it, we don't have to love it, but this is part of the process!

The very good news is that all is quiet on the ovary front, no cysts or growths to be seen on either ovary, my lining was 4mm which could be better but seeing as I was only on CD2 and I was still bleeding like a stuck pig, that will be better by now!!

The dr that discussed our embryo's with us last time scanned me, I love this man, he is wonderful, so compassionate and just really, really a nice guy. He told me that he was happy to see me back and that it was all going to be okay, and I believe him, it will be, soon my little embies will be on board and everything will be just perfect! He also said that they are having very good success rates with their natural FET cycles and so girls, I have decided that everything is going to be just perfect and that my lining will develop nicely on it's own, my embies will thaw and carry on growing strong until transfer and we are going to get a BFP out of this cycle!! I am feeling much more positive about everything now, last week was hard, I hate all the game playing that goes with this and I must be honest, it knocked me off my feet again but things are looking up....we have Love, Hope and Faith....

I go back on CD8 for a scan, which I think will be too early for much action but you never know, I am back at reflexology which always helps get those ovaries into gear. So scan on friday, and the probably scans every other day until my follie is ready, we will then trigger and they will thaw our embies, i'm not sure of the process after that but we will see as we go along....

I have saved the other very very very good news for last, it was a rather pleasant surprise. Dr G says that we have 3 embryo's in the freezer, I don't know how I got that one wrong. Frank has been telling me that we do but I thought they never froze the third one, Frank says that I never listen well enought because I am always so emotional, he on the other hand, gets the facts!! And for once, I am truly happy that he was right!

And so we have a 7 and 8 celled embie, I am not sure of how many cells the third one has got but they are calling it a "query compacted" so in other words, it may have looked like it was compacting but it may carry on growing once they take it out the freezer, so ladies...there you have....Love, Hope & Faith are waiting for me to be ready for them. We are hoping that all three thaw perfectly and that they can all be put back....

Let's the good times roll, here's to Love, Hope & Faith!!

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

False alarm...

Okay, so temp did a nose dive this morning, I can feel AF gearing up all of a sudden. Very wierd stuff this.
I'm okay, I must be honest and say that I was praying so hard before I looked at my temp this morning, and my heart dropped down to my stomach and I felt that same old feeling of failure as I looked at my temp. I didn't cry, I got out of bed and got on with my day. I thought about it all the time tho, while I was doing my make up, choosing something to wear, just a sadness that I don't need to explain and as I sit here typing this, I really want to cry but I'm NOT going to.
I'm not going to cry because I let myself get excited...
I'm not going to cry because every time this happens I feel like a failure...
I'm not going to cry because I let hope in the door...
I'm not going to cry because I find this so unfair...
I'm not going to cry because this really wasn't necessary, I really didn't need this right now, I've been feeling so good, so positive and so hopefull for my FET...
Instead I am going to choose be put this behind me, to look forward to a brighter, better future. I am choosing to not let this get me down, I am choosing to have faith and hope and to believe in something much bigger than all of this.
AF should be here either today or tomorrow which means my CD2 scan is coming up shortly, i'm trying not to think that there is something strange going on in there, I'm trying to be positive and tell myself that everything is going to be perfect and that i'll be able to start my FET cycle soon.
So girls, all is not lost...yes, so i got a little dirty falling down again, put i'm picking myself up and dusting myself off, looking forward to this next cycle and hoping and praying that we will be celebrating a bit more before christmas this year!
Thank you all for you wonderful support and comments, you all rock!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

It seems that she has lost her voice....

And so it would seem as if AF has lost her voice (for now at least) or maybe she's just a bit reluctant to sing!!

Today is 16dpo, for those of you who are experienced in charting, I have put a link to my chart for you viewing you will see, I haven't really done that well with charting this month as I am really trying to break the habit, I really like to just pin point O and then see if AF is going to show so I can be prepared, so as you can see, I started again yesterday just to see if I needed some "goodies" at work and to my surprise, my temp was still up and so I did the most stupid thing I could think of, I peed on a stick. Those damn evil pee sticks as Leah often calls them, now...those of you who have been following my blog know that this is virtually unheard of, I NEVER pee on those things...I really don't know what came over me. It is also the first time that I have peed on a stick and AF hasn't come running within hours of said pee'ing....

There was not even a hint of a line, and still hint of dear old Aunty Flo either!! I feel completely normal, way too normal for either AF to be on her way or for that elusive BFP. My skin has broken out which is normal for this time of the month...and so I expect AF...other than that, my boobs (which have been poked and proded way too much) feel completely fine, not sore at all which is strange since I always get sore BB's before AF. I am however getting a strange sensation in my tum, it feels like I have pulled something on my right hand side, but i only feel it when I lie down, very strange.

I have also been peeing A LOT, but then again, i have been drinking alot because the weather here is so miserable so really that could just be that.

It almost seems impossible for me to believe that this may actually be it, i'm okay with waiting a few days to find out if it is but the thing that worries me is the fact that I should really be on progesterone if this is indeed it. I am sure now that I did pin-point ovulation correctly (after much discussion with Bumble) so I am indeed 16dpo today, the only other times has been late was due to progesterone supplements and a cyst, yes that lovely cyst! However, I was at reflexology on saturday and she says that my ovaries feel fine, says she can't feel any inflamation or cysts....maybe she was wrong, I hope not, please G*D, please please please let this be it!!

I'm sorry that this post is all over the place but that is exactly how I am feeling lately, I cry at the drop of a hat too which is also a bit over the top for me, but once again, I blame the hormones - which ever ones they may be!

Monday, October 1, 2007

What was I thinking....

15dpo today - HPT this morning due to high temps (very strange) - BFN - AAAARGH!! Still no sign of the old hag...