Friday, November 30, 2007

IVF Follow up appointment...

Well hello,'s been a while ~ mostly because I really haven't had much to say, you've heard it all before anyway. Thank you all for your special heartfelt comments on my last post, you are all sweethearts and I am glad that I have all of you!

Okay so let me tell you about my appt yesterday, I am feeling better, it doesn't take it away but I feel like I finally have closure and a new plan. Dr V is such a sweetie, I almost cried but didn't, you'll be proud of me :)

Okay, so they don't know why it didn't work, after all "this isn't an exact science" embryo's are "excellent" quality and I have good potential to make a baby he says, next time we wont do ICSI so we should have a better fertilisation rate and hopefully more embies.

It could be an implantation problem seeing as they grow well and everything runs smoothly until they are put back in me, we'll do the auto-immune testing just before the next IVF and from there they will be able to tell if I have clotting problems stopping the embies from implanting, if I do then they'll put me on low molecular weight heparin.

We'll also do a 5 day transfer, take the best half on day three and grow them to day 5 and freeze the rest, which Dr V is sure will give us a better chance seeing as they will be at blastocyst stage!!!

They will also change my protocol, no Lucrin (yay, yay and yay again...v evil stuff that!) BCP for one month, scan on CD2 to check that all is clear on the ovary front. Start Gonal F 225iu's a day (not Menopur this time which is rather different because I responded to Menopur well and Menopur contains LH whereas Gonal F is pure FSH) until day 5 then carry on with Gonal F and add another injection called probably Cetrotide. Gonal F for 9 days and then trigger on CD 10.

Also asked about DHEA, he says that lots of women use it but it has nasty side effects, oily skin, acne and hair growth since it is a male hormone. He doesn't recommend it and says that there is no evidence to prove that it I think that I should stay away from that for now, he also says that I have no probelm getting eggs so I don't need it, maybe he is right, I would hate for him to say "I told you so" if I go ahead and do it...

He also says that it's not time to remove my endo yet as it wasn't that bad and seeing that they excise it, it grows back a lot slower.

He says that next time will be better, they have learnt alot about me from the last IVF so I hope that this next one results in a healthy pregnancy!

Now we just need to decide when to do the next one, I think I need to get through Christmas first and then think about it again, maybe start BCP in Feb or so....

So it's onward and upward now....I need to remember that:

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

So Sad....

Just checking in to say that I am still here. A lot has changed since my last post, well not that much but it feels like a lot….

My mood has shifted, I’ve gone from being a little sad but optimistic about the future to a fumbling mess. I don’t know what’s come over me, I was okay….not the greatest I’ve ever been but okay. It started on Saturday, a friend of mine was in town and wanted to see us, I’ve been so distant with her but it’s my way of dealing with everything, I can’t talk to people that can’t relate right now and so I haven’t been returning her phone calls.

Anyway, we’ve been friends since high school, in our last year of college she moved away but we’ve always kept in contact and been close friends, I was her maid of honour at her wedding and she was one of my bridesmaids at mine, we are a lot a like the only thing different is that she fell pregnant after 3 months of marriage by accident and was devastated, she had so many plans to study etc and children were not in those plans. So she had her little girl and things turned out perfectly, they then decided that they wanted a little boy and so did the timed intercourse thing that is supposed to result in a boy pregnancy and voila, first month success and what do you know….she had a boy!

And so here I am, trying for almost 3 years to have one child where her kids are 5 and 2 and a half. She knows what we are going through but chooses not to get it, she doesn’t even try to understand it, she is one of those fertile people that tell you to relax and it will happen, just stop thinking about it and you’ll be pregnant before you know it. It frustrates me, so I choose not to tell her when I am cycling, but you see….she has this sixth sense thing going where she will phone me out of the blue on the day of a negative beta! So I don’t take her calls and it’s normally a couple of weeks before I feel strong enough to deal with her.

After the fact, I will explain that we had another failed cycle and that was the reason I was keeping to myself and she gets upset, tells me that she doesn’t care what I say, even if I just cry, she wants to talk to me and know what’s going on in my life. It’s just so hard and I always end up feeling bad. And so there is a point to this story, we went out with them for lunch on Saturday, it ended up in the usual way….”Tam, please phone me, I want to know what’s happening with you, even if you just phone me to cry” and I felt bad.

Saturday night, I never slept, woke up early Sunday to go out for breakfast with Frank’s folks, his sister and her three beautiful children. Afterwards we went shopping and every corner I turned, there were pregnant bellies or women pushing prams with new borns. Sunday night, I hardly slept again. Come Monday, I’m tired and feeling sorry for myself….I go and read some blogs and see that many of my cyclesista’s got BFP’s while I was dealing with my BFN and although I am happy for them, I am just so sad for me.

And so last night the tears started and as I sit here, I can feel them burning the back of my eyes…I know it will take something small to bring them rushing forward and then they just don’t stop. I am battling to find the words to tell you why I am so sad, I can’t understand why I am feeling so down when I was fine, why am I so scared when I should be looking forward to a bright future?

All our failures are just getting to me, I can’t believe that another IVF is on the cards, I never wanted to be a statistic, one of those women who went through endless treatments with nothing to show for them. Now I know that many of you have been through worse and I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself, at least there is still a future, lots that we can do to make our dream of becoming parents come true but this is just were I am at right now.

I know that this will pass, I know that we will get through this, like we always do but I am just so tired, so so tired of doing this and having to move on and feel better. I do know that our time will come and like many of you, IF will still be a factor but we will have beaten the odds and all I can do is pray that time comes soon...

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm back and the news is not so good...

For those of you who couldn’t get onto Bumble’s site and didn’t see her comment on my last post….my beta was negative.

I’m back from leave and feeling quite relaxed and rested, today is my first day back at work and I would be lying if I say that I am happy to be back, I still feel a bit strange and could have done with some more time just to feel a little stronger, the people that we did tell are all having withdrawal and obviously want details as they too haven’t heard much since my sms. I don’t have details, it is still hard to talk about it and say, “well….yes, everything went well, it should have worked but it didn’t”

You all know what it’s like, they don’t know why, they don’t really tell you much just that it didn’t work and that they are sorry. My follow up appointment was supposed to be Wednesday last week but since we were away we had to move it and subsequently had to move it again so my follow up is only on the 29th. I’m okay with that, it’s really not a matter of urgency, it failed….I can’t see what they are going to say that they didn’t say last time. This time I have a list of questions of my own tho…

We had a good holiday, found strength in each other and rested well. I must say that I found it much easier being away from everyone and being able to grieve on our own and in our own time. We’re still sad, we’re tired of all this and we trying to build up the strength to move on but move on and be stronger we will. We have spoken about doing the next fresh cycle and are probably looking at Jan/Feb next year, it seems so early to talk about it but as you all know, it does help just a little bit to have a plan.

The thought of having to do a fresh cycle scares me to death, I was really hoping that I’d never have to go there again, I hated the needles, I hated everything about IVF, I only realized afterwards how hard it was. But so be it, we don’t really have any other choice, it’s that or making peace with not having children and I’m not ready for that just yet.

I’m not sure if I should try something different this time round, any info improving egg quality will be highly appreciated. Thank you all for all your heartfelt comments, it really does help, I know that you all feel our pain.

I haven’t had time to catch up on everyone just yet but will be dropping by your blogs in the next few days!! It’s good to be back in blogland!