Tuesday, November 20, 2007

So Sad....

Just checking in to say that I am still here. A lot has changed since my last post, well not that much but it feels like a lot….

My mood has shifted, I’ve gone from being a little sad but optimistic about the future to a fumbling mess. I don’t know what’s come over me, I was okay….not the greatest I’ve ever been but okay. It started on Saturday, a friend of mine was in town and wanted to see us, I’ve been so distant with her but it’s my way of dealing with everything, I can’t talk to people that can’t relate right now and so I haven’t been returning her phone calls.

Anyway, we’ve been friends since high school, in our last year of college she moved away but we’ve always kept in contact and been close friends, I was her maid of honour at her wedding and she was one of my bridesmaids at mine, we are a lot a like the only thing different is that she fell pregnant after 3 months of marriage by accident and was devastated, she had so many plans to study etc and children were not in those plans. So she had her little girl and things turned out perfectly, they then decided that they wanted a little boy and so did the timed intercourse thing that is supposed to result in a boy pregnancy and voila, first month success and what do you know….she had a boy!

And so here I am, trying for almost 3 years to have one child where her kids are 5 and 2 and a half. She knows what we are going through but chooses not to get it, she doesn’t even try to understand it, she is one of those fertile people that tell you to relax and it will happen, just stop thinking about it and you’ll be pregnant before you know it. It frustrates me, so I choose not to tell her when I am cycling, but you see….she has this sixth sense thing going where she will phone me out of the blue on the day of a negative beta! So I don’t take her calls and it’s normally a couple of weeks before I feel strong enough to deal with her.

After the fact, I will explain that we had another failed cycle and that was the reason I was keeping to myself and she gets upset, tells me that she doesn’t care what I say, even if I just cry, she wants to talk to me and know what’s going on in my life. It’s just so hard and I always end up feeling bad. And so there is a point to this story, we went out with them for lunch on Saturday, it ended up in the usual way….”Tam, please phone me, I want to know what’s happening with you, even if you just phone me to cry” and I felt bad.

Saturday night, I never slept, woke up early Sunday to go out for breakfast with Frank’s folks, his sister and her three beautiful children. Afterwards we went shopping and every corner I turned, there were pregnant bellies or women pushing prams with new borns. Sunday night, I hardly slept again. Come Monday, I’m tired and feeling sorry for myself….I go and read some blogs and see that many of my cyclesista’s got BFP’s while I was dealing with my BFN and although I am happy for them, I am just so sad for me.

And so last night the tears started and as I sit here, I can feel them burning the back of my eyes…I know it will take something small to bring them rushing forward and then they just don’t stop. I am battling to find the words to tell you why I am so sad, I can’t understand why I am feeling so down when I was fine, why am I so scared when I should be looking forward to a bright future?

All our failures are just getting to me, I can’t believe that another IVF is on the cards, I never wanted to be a statistic, one of those women who went through endless treatments with nothing to show for them. Now I know that many of you have been through worse and I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself, at least there is still a future, lots that we can do to make our dream of becoming parents come true but this is just were I am at right now.

I know that this will pass, I know that we will get through this, like we always do but I am just so tired, so so tired of doing this and having to move on and feel better. I do know that our time will come and like many of you, IF will still be a factor but we will have beaten the odds and all I can do is pray that time comes soon...


LJ said...

I've been a bad poster and a bad commenter, but wanted to just say how sorry I am. IVF pretty much sucks the life out of you, so I know...and I'm here.

Jen said...

I know nothing I say will make you feel any better, so I am just going to say I'm sorry. IF is a bastard & it sucks that you have to go through all of this. I can relate to pushing friends away, they just don't get how much it hurts.
I will be praying for you & thinking of you.


butterflyanla said...

You have the right to your emotions. Kudos to you for having the strength to even meet with your friend. I hope you feel better soon and I am truly sorry for your loss.

Kate said...

I am just so sorry. You deserve all of the happiness in the world and I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. Just know that you have a lot of people that are thinking of you right now.

Becks said...

I have been away for 2 weeks and only just catching up. I am so sorry for the news Tam, I really feel for you, and I know that devastating feeling only to well, so you've got my thoughts honey.

On the egg quality issue, on IVF #2 I used DHEA but only for 3 weeks prior to retrieval, but still I got more follies and more eggs. I also did acu for the first time on #2, so who knows it could have been a combination of DHEA and acu that got me a better egg haul. Didnt get me a positive but helped me have a bit of hope.

This is the link to the DHEA I bought:


I have been taking it much longer this time so we'll see if it does any better on this cycle.

Thinking of you.

Hugs xx

Becks said...

Hi, just replying to your comment.

I spoke to my consultant first before I took DHEA and he had written a paper on it, and had also got some of his patients to take it so was happy for me to start. He told me to take 25mg 3 times a day.

If you do get some just make sure its the right one as there are lots on the market, you dont want the one that builds muscle or anything like that, the key word to look for is micronised DHEA.

I believe it takes a good 3 months to get into your system, so I'd speak to your doc as soon as poss so you can start to take it if he agrees.

Hope this helps x

Bumble said...

Tam, I don't know what to say that'll make you feel any better, I know there is nothing. Just the fact that you're back from holiday and facing "the real world" again probably has brought on this sadness. Its back to reality and means that you're forced to face what's happened fully. Don't let it beat you Tam, I know you're stronger than it and you will win. And you have us all here fighting and hoping for you. But DO take as long as you need to feel better. Don't feel bad about your friend, even though she means well, she will NEVER understand what you're going through, and like I've told you, you need to look after YOURSELF now and don't spend a minute of energy elsewhere. I'm praying for you and thinking of you every day and am here for you when you need me okay xxx

Sarah said...

i don't think you're feeling sorry for yourself; how you feel makes perfect sense. anyone who's been through any amount of struggle with infertility has every right to feel sad, hopeless, angry, and all sorts of other miserable things, and it does NOT mean that you are any less of a positive wonderful person. its all just so totally unfair, and it has nothing to do with whether other people have been through worse. you deserve your dreams as much as anyone else.

Nicole said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have friends who claim they want to talk to and then they end up doing most of the talking. And, then I really don't want to "talk" to them. They will never get it. Never.

Thinking of you, my friend.

anna said...

Oh my dear, I think the delayed sadness is natural. After all, it takes some time for bad news to sink in. Again, I'm really sorry you're going through this and pray that this journey to parenthood be a happier one soon!

Waiting Amy said...

Tam, I'm so sorry for all this. It can be so hard at times. It is never easy to face the world after times like this.

Don't feel badly about your friend. You can only do as much as you can. Don't worry if you can't do more. If she can't understand that, then she is not that good of a friend.

I'm thinking of you and wish I could be there to give you a big hug.

JJ said...

I hope you truly believe that when I say, "I understand" that I really honestly do--I can feel your raw emotions-because they are mine too. It's hard to be happy for everyone else when it takes everything you HAVE just to get out of bed some days.
Im here for you Tam, and I KNOW that you will get your BFP. I'm hanging out here with you in the trenches!

Mands said...

Hi tam, I am about a week late to this post. I am so sorry you were feeling so down. I hope you are feeling better now, but if not - you're welcome to phone me, or e-mail if you're not up to talking. Hugs xx

Leah said...

I've been terrible at posting and commenting lately, but I think about you all the time, Tam. I'm sorry you're in the post-BFN Dark Place right now, it's such a horrible feeling. I've been there so many times myself, I can hardly count.

I know this will sound like sunshine and so much bullshit, but keep the faith. It took us 4 IUIs and 3 IVFs to have something resembling success (we're not nearly out of the woods yet, but haven't experienced tragedy this round so far). I had many dark, bleak, frustrating and sad days. But I knew I had to keep going until I simply couldn't go anymore.

I hope you can feel the strength I'm sending you along with thousands and thousands of hugs.

Carrie said...

Tam, I'm so sorry you are in such a hard and terrible place right now. It is so difficult to see any positives in life when you are in such a position.
I know you'll get through, we have to, there's really no alternative, but that doesn't make it hurt any less right now.
As for your friend, sometimes you have to distance yourself just to get by. If she's a true friend you can pick up down the line whether it me weeks, months or years.

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