Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm back and the news is not so good...

For those of you who couldn’t get onto Bumble’s site and didn’t see her comment on my last post….my beta was negative.

I’m back from leave and feeling quite relaxed and rested, today is my first day back at work and I would be lying if I say that I am happy to be back, I still feel a bit strange and could have done with some more time just to feel a little stronger, the people that we did tell are all having withdrawal and obviously want details as they too haven’t heard much since my sms. I don’t have details, it is still hard to talk about it and say, “well….yes, everything went well, it should have worked but it didn’t”

You all know what it’s like, they don’t know why, they don’t really tell you much just that it didn’t work and that they are sorry. My follow up appointment was supposed to be Wednesday last week but since we were away we had to move it and subsequently had to move it again so my follow up is only on the 29th. I’m okay with that, it’s really not a matter of urgency, it failed….I can’t see what they are going to say that they didn’t say last time. This time I have a list of questions of my own tho…

We had a good holiday, found strength in each other and rested well. I must say that I found it much easier being away from everyone and being able to grieve on our own and in our own time. We’re still sad, we’re tired of all this and we trying to build up the strength to move on but move on and be stronger we will. We have spoken about doing the next fresh cycle and are probably looking at Jan/Feb next year, it seems so early to talk about it but as you all know, it does help just a little bit to have a plan.

The thought of having to do a fresh cycle scares me to death, I was really hoping that I’d never have to go there again, I hated the needles, I hated everything about IVF, I only realized afterwards how hard it was. But so be it, we don’t really have any other choice, it’s that or making peace with not having children and I’m not ready for that just yet.

I’m not sure if I should try something different this time round, any info improving egg quality will be highly appreciated. Thank you all for all your heartfelt comments, it really does help, I know that you all feel our pain.

I haven’t had time to catch up on everyone just yet but will be dropping by your blogs in the next few days!! It’s good to be back in blogland!

10 comments:

Kate said...

Welcome back....I am so sorry and have been thinking about you. Sending good thoughts your way. XO

Bumble said...

Welcome back Tim Tam xxx It will help you to have a plan, even just so you can switch off for a while until Jan/Feb rolls around. I know it was hard but I also know you can do it again. I've heard that Acupuncture improves egg quality if you start a few months before the cycle, but I don't know. I had 15, but only 10 retrieved and it was hard to tell about the quality because of the poor fertilization rate (probably a sperm issue?). One's turned into a bub so who knows if it was that or not. Just in case you felt like trying something different. And I'm still here for you okay, you'll get through this xxx

JJ said...

Welcome home Tam--you have been in my thoughts constantly. Im always here if you need me!

Aurelia said...

Hey, I'm sorry about the BFN. I know it's crap crap crap.

Only because you asked---I do have some ideas about egg quality, and implantation, specifically, DHEA, which has been a miracle for me. My RE says it improves egg quality as well as number of eggs.

And for your next cycle, use baby aspirin, and heparin shots. Sounds weird, but I was in a study that proved endometriosis is caused by a a faulty gene, called PAI-1 4G/4G, and it is also a clotting disorder, just not one of the ones on the standard testing panel.

Low molecular weight heparin, just might be do the trick. You never know.

Nicole said...

Welcome back, my friend. I am glad you got some time to rest and grieve in private. I am so sorry that this has happened, so very sorry. Hopefully, the bloggies will have some good info on egg quality etc. I will quietly pray to the fertility gods in the meantime.

anna said...

My dear Tam, I'm so so so sorry that you got a negative result. I was sending up every hope and prayer imaginable for this to be your turn! I'm glad you got some time away with your hubby, and it really sounds like that helped to soften the blow. Again, my dear chicken, your time is coming soon...hold on!

Carrie said...

Oh Tam, sweetheart, what a horrible position to be in. I know that, in my situation, the lack of an explanation is so difficult to deal with. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

I think a plan is good. I know it must seem like an awful ordeal to start it all again but I think you're right. Giving up is actually way harder when it comes to it.

Hope you can enjoy the festive season and find the strength and drive to cycle again xx

stickybun07 said...

Tam, I'm so sorry about this cycle. I'm glad that you had some time away with Frank to grieve and regain some strength. I can only imagine how hard it must be to grieve and have to look at another fresh cycle, but I do hope that as Jan/Feb nears, you're able to work with your doctor on a plan that will help you draw some additional strength.

And, mostly, I hope and pray that your time is near. You're such a strong woman and a source of inspiration, and I'm hoping for the very best. And, no matter what, we'll all be here with you.

thinking of you...

Leah said...

Welcome back. I'm so sorry about this cycle. It's just so unfair, so cruel. My heart breaks for you.

As you know, I've done 3 fresh cycles. We noticed the biggest change in my response, the number of eggs, and (we're assuming) the quality when I took DHEA. I think I took it for about 9 weeks prior to my retrieval.

I too enjoy acupuncture, but for me personally it seems to mostly help with my emotional readiness. It makes me more relaxed, less crazed. I'm not sure if it helps my response or egg quality, but I do like it.

I'm glad you have a plan and will be moving forward. I hope you are able to enjoy the upcoming holiday season. I'll be thinking about you. xoxoxoxo

butterflyanla said...

Welcome back Tam, I am so sorry that the FET didn't work. I hope that you find the strength and courage to grieve and move on. Wishing you all the best.