Friday, June 27, 2008

Abi @ 6 weeks!!

Here's the latest pic of little Abi, she is just so adorable!!

I can't wait to fetch her tomorrow and give her loads of love!!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Introducing Little Abigail...

Things didn't work out as planned - for a change they actually worked out better!!

Abi was supposed to come from the litter that was born yesterday but unfortunately there were only 4 pups born with only one of them being a little girl. She was apparently very small and the vet wasn't sure that she was going to make it. The breeder that we are getting Abigail from had another litter 5 weeks ago and she's managed to book one of her little ones for us!!

So, we've decided to take a weeks leave (since we need to fetch her in Westville, KZN) and spend the week in Ballito with her!! It will give us time to "bond" and spend some time with her, it will also give us a much needed break....we're both very excited!!!

Isn't she just too precious for words!!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Getting there...

We are 3 Meno.pur down, 11 more to go until Frank's repeat SA and so far so good!

I am happy to report that there haven't been any nasty side effects, it's wierd having your husband on hormones! He is a bit more outspoken and easily annoyed but nothing I can't handle....

It's been a wierd transition, it's taken some time to come to terms with not doing IVF straight away, I find myself thinking about how far i'd be on my stimms and the fact that I would be having my ER this week already but that I think it's very normal to feel a bit cheated. It's hard trying to prepare yourself for something only for it not to happen...

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately, trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings, trying to start the healing process. My friendships have unfortunately taken a back seat and I'm not quite sure that everyone understands exactly what it is that is happening, I know that some wont understand and that some will, I do worry about the frienships that can't be fixed, the ones that wont survive me finding myself again.

I know i'm cutting myself off, I haven't spoken to my family in the last 2 weeks - I've told them that I need time to deal with everything, time to deal with this cross that is mine to bare....they don't understand either, I think they think that I'm being selfish by not helping them deal with their issues because this is something that I have never done. I've always been there and while it was for them, it was just so bad for me. I'm taking a time out people, I'm taking time to concentrate on Frank and I, on our hopes and dreams and those that want to understand and be patient are very welcome to come along for the ride.

I have lots to look forward to, my little Abigail will be born any day now! Abigail will be our first pet - a little english I will get her the week before my 30th birthday, I can't tell you how excited we are!!! We've been waiting for her for a while now, we found a breeder about a month ago who told us that they were expecting a litter and so we have been waiting, i'll get her when she's about six weeks old....

Frank's SA will be done at the end of the 5th week of his treatment, so for now i'll stay on BCP. When this pack is finished I'll start taking the active pills on the next pack and skip the withdrawel bleed so that I can stop them at any time. If the SA results come back better then I'll stop BCP and start stimms. Frank will stay on the Meno.pur until my ER - if all works out then I should have my transfer the week before my 30th birthday too, so at least I'll have little Abi to keep me company during my 2ww, that should help keep me calm!!

So all in all, we're getting there.....slowly but surely....

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Another bump in the road....

Okay, so now we have a real reason for waiting - not just that gut feel!

Dr V phoned me yesterday after I'd sent him a mail to tell him that we had decided to wait. He says that Frank's FSH is way too low. So, get this....they putting him on menopur injections!!!

He starts tomorrow, 75iu every Monday, Wednesday & Friday for 6 weeks, this means another 2 rounds of BCP for me instead of just one but what can you do? Apparently the menopur should make his FSH higher and therefore improve his count, morphology and hopefully quality of the sperm.

I'll schedule my BCP to end on the same day that he finishes the menopur and then we'll start stimms straight away. They'll probably do another SA at the end of it too, just to make sure that the treatment has worked, maybe another FSH test too.

Dr V said that he looked back on Frank's bloods that he had for our IVF and his FSH was low then already so something should have been done before we did our IVF, so I must say that I am a bit pissed that someone missed this but it's water under the bridge now. Now we have a possible reason for our embies not taking as sperm quality definately has an impact on whether an embryo makes it to a baby or not.

Initially Frank was okay with the treatment, until he read up on all the side effects menopur can have on men, one of the side effects is breast enlargement, he has said that should this happen, he's stopping treatment - I do understand but geez, men can be difficult! I'll mail Dr V again and just raise Frank's concerns but I do think that it's really rare and that it could happen if you were on it for too long and maybe higher dosages. I do hope that the side effects are minimal could be a really long six weeks!!

It's costing us quite a bit, almost half of what my stimms would cost if I was doing IVF now, so really not a nice surprise at all but hopefully this is what we need to do the trick....we're a bit tired of all these bumps in the road but what can you do. You live.....and learn.

Monday, June 9, 2008

....And the fun never stops!

Today is CD2 and so today is the day I should start stimms....yes....well,

We have decided to put our IVF on hold. Not an easy decision to make at all, because this was all our decision. VL are telling us that things should be fine, we aren't so convinced. For once in my life i'm going with my gut feel and my gut feel tells me that I need to wait.

Frank's SA came back fine (according to the lovely Dr V) - his count was 22mil per ml (they are looking for anything over 20mil), morphology was 3% and motility at 30%, Dr V wasn't too thrilled about the motility (they prefer it to be 50% or above) and said that something called a "wet prep" was in order just to double check it. He also wanted Frank's FSH re-tested. So on saturday I went into VL to fetch my hubby a speciman jar for this morning, while I was there I sat with our co-ordinator and went thru the last SA.

Our last SA was as follows: 119ml per ml, 6% morphology and 50% motility - big change.

I went home to chat to Frank, I wasn't happy with the drastic change and neither was he and so we came to the conclusion that staying on birth control for another month (or two) might not be a bad thing in order to let the boys recover a bit because it's quite obvious that the infection and fever affected them. So going with the figures made it easy to decide, there is a lot on the line here, should we have gone into it without reconsidering and it failed, we would have blamed the poor SA and we would have worried about every FET we did after that. This way, we are trying to give ourselves a better shot....

Unfortunately things are always cut and dry, today I feel unsure, I second guess our decision - it's hard leading up to something and then having to wait. It's also hard that we are the ones the have made this decision, while our clinic keeps on telling us that this sperm is good enough for IVF. I'm not in a good place as it is, it would have been easier for me to deal with (emotionally) if we were told to wait. For a change, i'm letting logic win and not my emotions.

We're doing the right thing here, please tell me we are. Tell me that you would do this too, I have to keep on reminding myself that this is the right thing to do, it doesn't make sense to do it until we have better sperm....having it fail is far worse than waiting a month or two, there's too much to think about here.

I'm also all over the place with everything else that's happening in my life and so maybe this is a blessing in disguise. As sweet Sam put it yesterday - maybe this is god's way of giving me time to deal with my folks splitting up.

So, there you have it, another month of BCP, sorry for getting you all excited for nothing!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


Can’t believe it’s over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were cryin'

Summer turned to winter
And the snow, it turned to rain
Then the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

Cuz you are not alone
I’m always there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
When you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe you’re not lost

When your world’s crashing down
And you can’t bear the thought
I said babe you’re not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you’ve gone crazy
But you’re not
Though things have seemed to change
There’s one thing that’s still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away

Cuz you are not alone
I am there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
When you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe you’re not lost

When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said baby you’re not lost

Mmmm yeah yeah, yeah yeah,
I said baby you’re not lost.
I said baby you’re not lost.
Oh yeah, yeah
I said baby you’re not lost.

With just days left to go on BCP, everything feels almost surreal. I have booked Frank’s SA for Friday so they should get back to us on Friday afternoon as to whether we carry on with this cycle or not.

I’m still feeling positive, I’m ready for this now and I pray daily that Frank’s SA comes back fine. While I'm so looking forward to this IVF, my life is in shambles, I feel so lost….everytime I hear this song, I cry…I am so thankful for my husband who is the only one that keeps me sane when I feel like my world is falling apart.

It’s the same old story, my folks have split up after 35 years of marriage and try as I might, I am always stuck in the middle. I haven’t even told them that I’m doing IVF right now, I can’t cope with them or their pity. It’s really hard, I’ve never had the best relationship with them anyway because somehow, they always manage to turn my world upside down instead of making things better.

Frank thinks that I need time and that we should put our IVF off as he’s worried about how I’m going to cope with the stress, I don’t want to. The only thing that will stop me is if Frank’s SA results come back dodgy (which they wont).

As things stand, life goes on and I keep popping BCP and looking forward, knowing that I am not lost.