It was not meant to be....

Here I am, I know that you have all been waiting with baited breath for the update of yesterdays post, I am sorry for leaving you hanging.

My beta was negative, negative as in they don't even give you a number.

They really don't tell you much, we have an appointment to see the Dr next week friday to discuss the possible reason's of my embryo's not surviving, it just seems so sad that they were growing perfectly and then couldn't survive in me. We will also discuss when to a FET and whether it will be medicated or natural, and will discuss when. Right now, I don't feel like I can do this anymore, I feel like I could wait until Sept/Oct to do the FET as I feel like I need time to heal and deal with this, we will however take the Dr's advice due to my endometriosis time restraints, they gave me a year before I needed it removed again, that will be in Nov.

I cried so much yesterday and then all of a sudden I felt calm, it's a strange calm, sorta feels like the calm before the storm. I'm waiting for it to hit me, I hope that it doesn't, because I don't think it will be pretty.

I have so many feelings inside, they just wont come out, I lay awake most of the night thinking about how I feel, I feel like I'm someone else's body, like this isn't really happening, but the sad thruth of it is that it is my life.

I'm trying to put everything into words, maybe i'll feel better once it's all out:

I am ANGRY - more than anything there is ANGER
I am angry at myself for getting hurt again, I am angry at G*d, I am angry the I am infertile and that something that should be so easy is so hard...
I am resentfull...
I am so, so lonely...
I am not sure how to deal with this hurt anymore...
I am starting to lose my faith and that scares me...
I am scared of carrying on...
I am scared of stopping...
I am scared of doing the FET, what if it too fails...
I am not feeling strong at all, my world feels like it's crumbling down and there's nothing I can do...
I am in a bad place right now, I do know that things will get better and that time heals, I so want to not hurt anymore...

There is so much more, more that just can't be put into words. Thank you all for being there for me and for understanding and just listening, I know that you understand this more than anyone ever could.

Frank started getting chest pains yesterday afternoon, I think that scared me out of feeling sorry for myself, he gets so stressed and upset about it but doesn't know what to do with his anger, I cry. Anyway, we ended up and the Dr's getting an ECG and blood and blood pressure ect, they say that it's just stress - funny how a failed IVF cycle will do that to you. He does however have a very bad throat/nose & ear infection that he has been ignoring, so he is on antibiotics and feeling terrible. It's okay, it puts the focus on something else for me.

We are still going away this weekend, I think that it will be good for us instead of wallowing in self pity.

I will be better, like we always do, we will move on and get stronger again. Thank you all once again, I feel quite pathetic right now and I am sorry for whinging. I am still waiting for the ultimate betrayal of AF officially making her arrival, I can feel she's on her way but still keeping me hanging, damn cow!