Friday, June 22, 2007

It was not meant to be....

Here I am, I know that you have all been waiting with baited breath for the update of yesterdays post, I am sorry for leaving you hanging.

My beta was negative, negative as in they don't even give you a number.

They really don't tell you much, we have an appointment to see the Dr next week friday to discuss the possible reason's of my embryo's not surviving, it just seems so sad that they were growing perfectly and then couldn't survive in me. We will also discuss when to a FET and whether it will be medicated or natural, and will discuss when. Right now, I don't feel like I can do this anymore, I feel like I could wait until Sept/Oct to do the FET as I feel like I need time to heal and deal with this, we will however take the Dr's advice due to my endometriosis time restraints, they gave me a year before I needed it removed again, that will be in Nov.

I cried so much yesterday and then all of a sudden I felt calm, it's a strange calm, sorta feels like the calm before the storm. I'm waiting for it to hit me, I hope that it doesn't, because I don't think it will be pretty.

I have so many feelings inside, they just wont come out, I lay awake most of the night thinking about how I feel, I feel like I'm someone else's body, like this isn't really happening, but the sad thruth of it is that it is my life.

I'm trying to put everything into words, maybe i'll feel better once it's all out:

I am ANGRY - more than anything there is ANGER
I am angry at myself for getting hurt again, I am angry at G*d, I am angry the I am infertile and that something that should be so easy is so hard...
I am resentfull...
I am so, so lonely...
I am not sure how to deal with this hurt anymore...
I am starting to lose my faith and that scares me...
I am scared of carrying on...
I am scared of stopping...
I am scared of doing the FET, what if it too fails...
I am not feeling strong at all, my world feels like it's crumbling down and there's nothing I can do...
I am in a bad place right now, I do know that things will get better and that time heals, I so want to not hurt anymore...

There is so much more, more that just can't be put into words. Thank you all for being there for me and for understanding and just listening, I know that you understand this more than anyone ever could.

Frank started getting chest pains yesterday afternoon, I think that scared me out of feeling sorry for myself, he gets so stressed and upset about it but doesn't know what to do with his anger, I cry. Anyway, we ended up and the Dr's getting an ECG and blood and blood pressure ect, they say that it's just stress - funny how a failed IVF cycle will do that to you. He does however have a very bad throat/nose & ear infection that he has been ignoring, so he is on antibiotics and feeling terrible. It's okay, it puts the focus on something else for me.

We are still going away this weekend, I think that it will be good for us instead of wallowing in self pity.

I will be better, like we always do, we will move on and get stronger again. Thank you all once again, I feel quite pathetic right now and I am sorry for whinging. I am still waiting for the ultimate betrayal of AF officially making her arrival, I can feel she's on her way but still keeping me hanging, damn cow!

29 comments:

Caro said...

Nothing I can say, just (((hug))).

Leah said...

Oh Tam, I am so sorry. A zillion ((hugs)) to you.

Mands said...

I feel so terrible for you right now. I think a weekend away is the best - get away from it all (well as much as possible).
I sent you a card for the Braces Bunch, and it obviously hasn't reached you yet. Well, when you get it, please chuck it away.
I sent it well before your bfn, and now it is just inappropriate.
Once again, I am so sorry, and really hurting with you.
A break before a FET might be a good idea, even if it's just a month.
Hugs, Mands xx

Sticky Bun said...

Tam, I am so, so, so very sorry. I can only imagine yours and Frank's pain right now, and I wish there was something I could do to take it away.

I f'ing hate IF--hate what it's done to you again, and I'm angry for you as well.

I will be thinking of you and Frank this weekend. Be kind to yourself. You need it.

Amy said...

Tam, I am so incredibly sorry. My heart totally goes out to you and Frank. Many many hugs to you both.

Carrie said...

I am so sorry to hear this news too. And angry for you as well. Angry because no one should have to travel this path.

Look after yourself, honey. Sometimes life is just too hard.

Hope your weekend away brings you some peace.

Aunt Sassy said...

I was wondering when you didn't post again yesterday...

This sucks.
And I am so sorry.
Glad to hear you two are splitting town. Be good to yourself...

ultimatejourney said...

I am so sorry. Give each other some extra TLC while you're away.

Erin said...

Oh Tam, I'm so sorry. This is the worst. I know what you're feeling and will tell you that although it won't go away, it will start to feel better.

Best of luck with your follow-up. Hopefully they'll have a good idea of what went wrong.

Hugs,
Erin

Natalie said...

I'm so sorry for your huge disappointment. I had my first IVF (failure) just a couple of weeks ago and I remember very well that sense of calm. Honestly I'm still struggling with the anger and frustration and despair. Hang in there. There's really no easy way to deal with it.

Laura, the (reluctant) baroness said...

I am so incredibly sorry. I wish I had something to take your anger and pain away. Do something nice for yourself this weekend.

Baby Blues said...

I'm so sorry Tam. Your words brought tears to my eyes. I feel the same. Things will be better soon.

Hugs and prayers.

Tuesday said...

You don't worry about feeling pathetic or whinging at all around us. We all do it and we all share in it. You just do what you need to do to be okay, alright?

*hug* from a new reader

KarenO said...

I'm so terribly sorry. Right now you might not feel like doing anything at all, but you need Tertia's Survival Kit - if I could I'd send you one ASAP! I had a post about it on my blog about a week ago. Get 2 - one for you and one for your DH. Will be thinking of you... hugs!

Amy said...

I'm so sorry. I know how hard it can be when your first IVF fails. It is such the pinnacle of treatment and you just want to believe that if you can do that it will all work. And if it doesn't it is such a disappointment.

As your friends say, take care of yourselves and love one another. Thinking of you, a new reader.

Cibele said...

Just want to send you lots of love and support. I am so sorry. Hugs

gracechild said...

Tam, you are not alone. You're in a pretty lonely place that I've been as well, where your emotions are so intense, you're scared to let them out... here's a hug from me to you. Pls don't lose your faith. its one of the most beautiful intangible gifts that we have as women.

Nearlydawn said...

So sorry. Nothing else I can say will make it any better, so I'm sending Hugs your way. ((Hugs))

Artblog said...

I am so sorry for you. A good cry is just the thing to do :(

Maybe next time X Artblog

Sarah said...

i'm so sorry!! and kicking myself for not having been online the past few days to send you virtual hugs sooner. everything you're feeling is so normal (not that it makes it better) and all just part of this shitty process we have to go through (as you unfortunately already know). the one thing i wish you didn't feel is lonely, because we are all here for you, but i understand that one too. just know i'm thinking of you, and hoping this heartache leaves you soon.

Chanti said...

I am really sorry for your loss, take all the time you need to grieve your two embies. Just know that none here will judge you if you winge,cry or any other emotion that you need to let out to deal with this. Just know that we all love you and have a personal understanding of what you are going through. Take care of you!
Lots of ((((((hugs))))))

Anns said...

I am so, so sorry and so, so angry for you Tam.

Be strong.
Anns

anna said...

Delurking to say I'm so sorry. I know how difficult BFN disappointments are to bear, and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Hez said...

Im very, very sorry. (((hugs)))

Reproductive Jeans said...

I am just sitting here sending you so many mental hugs and wish I could be there to shoulder your pain....

Kate said...

I am so, so sorry. Hugs to you.

Becks said...

So sorry about your news, and apologies I am getting to this late.

Sending you lots of hugs and virtual hand holding.

I do hope you managed to have a decent weekend despite the sadness you feel.

Foreverhopeful said...

Just found your blog through Baby blues glog. I wanted to send you a big virtual hug and let you know how sorry I am to hear about your BFN. I know how hard it is and the roller coaster of emotions that comes along with it. Be good to yourself. Thinking of you.

Bumble said...

Oh Tam, I know this post was a while ago and we've talked since, but I was just catching up on your blog and wanted to tell you how much this post made me cry. I am so here for you and believe me I do know how shit this is. The way you expressed your feelings in this post broke my heart. I wish we were closer so I could give you a belated love squeeze. Here for you always xxx