Monday, July 9, 2007

Choices....

I’ve had one of those weekends, I’ve been fine really and feeling much better…and all of a sudden it happens again, I end up in a puddle of tears.

My sister came to stay by us on Friday night and on Saturday we coloured her hair and went shopping, the things we girls like to do. I was feeling fine but I could feel that dark cloud coming, I’ve been worried about a few things…I’m getting headaches daily, most mornings I wake up with them so that has been worrying me, I’m putting it all down to hormones and my body trying to re-adjust, I also have no idea what’s happening with my body, I am normally so in tune with it, I know exactly which day I ovulate on etc, this month I have felt nothing and I am already on CD17…very strange for me, of-course they did tell me this might happen but I am normally like clockwork. It’s okay of-course because we aren’t doing the DIY thing, we taking a real break for a change but I just like to know what’s going on and right now I am clueless…but I digress….

So on Saturday night I got home from shopping and a friend of Frank’s was there, he’s a very close friend and I love him dearly but sometimes he just DOES.NOT.GET.IT, we were chatting about things and out of the blue he says, “and so, what’s happening with you?” and I say, “What do you mean?” to which he replies, “are you pregnant yet” and I say “no, we still trying, it’s been hard”….and at this point I know, I know what I am getting myself into, we’ve been down this road before and it never ends well. I should stop here, but I don’t….we carry on chatting about it and he says that he knows that it must be hard but this is a choice we’ve made, we have made the choice to go for treatments and not to stop and just accept it, so we could stop it all right now, it's a choice.

The conversation carried on a bit and I didn’t really get too upset, my answer was, well what choice to we have really, it’s this or not having children but I do get what he is trying to say, at the end of the day it all comes down to that.

I hardly slept on Saturday night, thinking about the choices we have made and whether it was time to stop and the truth is that I can’t stop yet, as hard as this is, it’s harder to think of our lives without a child and I do feel like we’re getting closer but at the same time I feel so lost. I think about whether I am being fair about this, how much heartache this has caused to not only me but my family aswell and I just want it to stop, I don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to have to make these choices and the more I think about it, the more upset I get because this wasn’t a choice I ever wanted to make, this is so unfair, I was never even given a choice in the matter, i didn't ask for infertility!

I cried most of yesterday, it was hard because we had to go to lunch with Frank’s family for his mom’s birthday, I love his family to bits and his mom really get’s me, she understands me so well and I can tell her anything, she is very very close to my heart and it does help to just cry and be held and told that it’s okay. She’s very worried about me and thinks that maybe I need to talk to someone, I have been for councelling for this before and it really doesn’t help me to have someone tell me that what I am feeling is normal, I know that this is all very normal, you cannot go through infertility and not be changed, there are so many ways that it affects you and each of us deal with it differently, it all takes time, we all get better eventually but I can understand how infertility can cause depression, there is a very fine line there.

I am okay, just really sad still, most of the time I am fine tho, I do still think about it a lot, I’m getting anxious, in a way I want to just wait, wait until I feel better and more sure but the other part of me just wants to move on, taking a break isn’t always easy, even when you need to. I don’t have a choice and maybe that’s a blessing in disguise, we have to wait, it forces me to deal with all these emotions before moving on and just burying them as I have done before.

I’m not going to lie, it’s hard seeing all these BFP’s going around in blogland, and like JJ, I wonder if there’ll be enough for me. I don’t need to explain this feeling to any of you, you have all be there and know the feeling well, I am so happy for all of you and wish you all the very best and at the same time I am sad for me. I know that our turn will come, I am just not sure how much more it will take to get there and everyday I pray that the choice to stop trying will never be one I have to make.

15 comments:

Waiting Amy said...

Tam, I understand what a hard time this is and the struggles you are going through. While it is a "choice" to pursue treatment, none of us "choose" to be infertile. If you were diabetic, would you "choose" to eat cake every day? (okay, maybe you would, but it wouldn't be a good idea). What I'm saying is that don't doubt yourself. Always talk about it with Frank and be sure you are still on the right path -- but don't doubt yourself. You don't deserve it.

Keep keeping on. *hug*

Kate said...

I am so sorry. I am thinking of you. Lots of hugs.

Reproductive Jeans said...

I just loved this post Tam--you are so honest and open, and that helps me not feel so strange and lost when I have those feelings too--thank you for sharing, and we both have to keep a positive outlook that there ARE BFP's out there for us....
I am thinking about you, and wishing we didnt live so far apart so that I could come give you a big hug!

Princess Peach said...

I think many have experienced the infertility sadness and second guessing of choices; it seems to be part of the emotional roller coaster of infertility. Hang in there.

Feel better and remember there is hope.

Amy R said...

I'm so sorry Tam. I know its a lot of tough stuff to work through and things are very cloudy right now. Just take it a day at a time- the right decision will be made during the right time for you. Many hugs to you and hang in there girl.

Sticky Bun said...

I second JJ--you are so honest and open and I always really appreciate your posts, this one in particular. I'm sorry you're having a hard time right now, but definitely understand how you feel.

Hang in there. We're here for you...

Leah said...

All of this sucks so much. Thank you for expressing what I've got swirling around in my head as well. Right down to the kooky cycles -- it's CD 21 and I still haven't ovulated. I *always*, and I mean ALWAYS ovulate on CD 15. I guess my body is just hopelessly jacked up from a full year of ART nonsense.

I'm scared shitless that all the BFPs are getting handed out right now and there won't be any left for me when I cycle next. But it also gives me hope. I'm so conflicted, I'm annoying myself.

Hang in there, it has to get easier. It just has to.

Bumble said...

Hey Tam, I'm so sorry you're feeling so down, that friend of Frank's is talking shit about stuff he really has no experience with. From what I understand he's saying "well if its hard, its your own fault, because you can stop it anytime you want..." This is total crap, because we don't have a choice, it should be our basic human right to be able to have children like everyone else out there and we have no choice that we have to fight so damn hard to get there unlike everyone else in the world. Why the hell should we give that right up? We are entitled to it dammit. Please don't second guess yourself during all this, I know its harder than anything you ever wanted to go through but its something you really really want. And its not alot to ask for after all is it? You deserve to be a mother and you will be. Hang in there my dear friend, you will get there in the end. I'm here for you, never forget that okay. Big huge gigantic hugs. x

Inconceivable said...

I am not really new to your blog - just new to commenting. I just wanted to come give you one big giant virtual hug because this road is less lonely and there are strength in numbers .. wishing hte best for you - farah

Schatzi said...

First of all... he is a MAN. So unless he is married to an infertile woman... he doesn't know what the hell he is talking about. {{{ hugs}}}.

I'm hoping also that it is a choice you will never have to make.

Mands said...

I hate that you are so sad. I feel unqualified to say that I know how you feel, because I haven't done an IVF yet. I know what you mean about the break. I didn't want to take a break either. The Hoff and I had a HUGE fight about it, and that kind of brought me to my senses. it wasn't easy, but it was for the best. Like you say, you know it will do you good, but you need to carry on. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all this s#it and I really hope that we get to share the joy of pregnancy very very soon.
((Hugs))
Mands xx

anna said...

Tam dear, you touched my heart! Anyone who's going through this process at any stage can relate to your post. It sounds like you do have people around you to whom you can talk, like your mother-in-law, and remember that all of blog-land is supporting you and loves you! When it's time to stop making the choice to keep trying, you'll know deep in your heart before you can even articulate the words. For now, just keeping being yourself and trusting that your heart is leading you in the right direction!

Sarah said...

don't let people who haven't been in your shoes get to you. of course you didn't choose this. you're doing the one thing that's right for you right now. that might change, but for now, you know what's right in your heart.

Heather said...

Well, I haven't been having any BFPs! I found your blog recently and really like your story. Hang in there though.

BTW, if you are looking for any inspiration on your journey, there are two books out there by Julia Indichova that I love. She talks a lot about dealing with your emotions around infertility. BTW, I'm not affiliated with her or her books. It's just a personal reference.

Also keep talking to Frank. It sounds like he is a wonderful guy.

Foreverhopeful said...

I just read your post and I'm sorry how hard this is. I've been there many times where I questioned what I was doing as well. But I knew I would regret it more if I gave up. All of this is just so incredibly unfair. You just have to trust and follow your heart and you will find peace with each decision as you go along. None of us chose to have infertility and all of us just want to have a baby and start a family. There is no right or wrong way to pursue what we want in our hearts. Hang in there. Big hugs to you.