Monday, July 30, 2007

Bitter sweet...

Well it seems that most of you are on board, please let me know if there is anyone that I have left off that would like to come over (thanks JJ!!), I hope that this is not too difficult, there were loads of readers to close to home for comfort…statcounter is a wonderful warning tool!! We have shared parts of our journey with some people but there are just some things that I can’t bear for them to read…

I am sorry that I have been MIA for a while but I have been keeping an eye on all of you, Congrats to Baby Blues and Sticky bun!! JJ, we are waiting with baited breath for your results chicken, praying it's good news!! Also while you’re out and about, please send some love to Carrie too.

Life hasn’t been easy lately and so I am taking things one day at a time, I am finally starting to sleep again and am feeling a little better, I am still going for physio and that seems to be helping too. I still have bad days where I feel very tearful but those are also getting to be less frequent. I’m still getting a lot of headaches but I still think that it’s got a lot to do with my screwed up cycle.

Talking about screwed up cycles, I am now on CD39, I have never never never had a cycle this long, the good news is that it does feel like AF might be on her way but in saying that I have felt that a few times and still have nothing to show for it!! The sad thing is the warped part of my brain has been wondering if maybe, just maybe they got my beta wrong, now how sad it that!! Of-course I do know that that is highly unlikely and it does amaze me to think that my brain can still go there…not all is lost.

Frank and I have been fine, like I said before, things have been difficult and I do know that it has all been me, I am so over-emotional and irrational, difficult as all hell. It has taken me some time to see that it is all me and that the poor guy is trying to make sense of what has replaced his once calm and loving wife, I am still in here but I’ve been battling to get out a bit. I never thought of myself as a stressed person who over-reacts at the drop of a hat, I have always been quite calm and happy go lucky, IF has changed that, no actually it was gradual, IVF seems to be what pushed me over the edge and destroyed my balancing act!!

It’s taken some real soul searching to realize that it is time to start making a change, I don’t know how I let myself become this person, I don’t particularly like who I have become now days (as I am sure neither do most of you) and I am on a mission to get the old Tam back, I have found some yoga classes which I am going to join (just one) and have decided to start looking after my body again because I have been punishing it something terrible lately and once my cycles come back to normal I am going to start acupuncture.

Frank and I still haven’t discussed the FET, we are leaving that conversation for when I am more myself and a lot less stressed and emotional, it’s the last thing I can think about right now, right now I need some work. It has also occurred to me that maybe the stress is just too much for my body to cope with and maybe that’s part of the reason I can’t fall pregnant, maybe my body just wont allow me to go there until my mind is right, I need to learn to….yes, I am going to say that word us IF’s hate….R.E.L.A.X!!

Time is passing quite quickly now, it’s been 10 weeks since I started my stim cycle for IVF, so if it had worked then I would be almost 10 weeks pregnant by now and my life would be very different, it’s been almost 6 weeks since I got my BFN and it is slowly starting to feel better. It really gets me that we have to deal with screwed up cycles on top of all this, damn IF!!

And here comes the bitter sweet part, a very dear friend of mine had her little baby boy this morning, today marks a very bitter sweet part of my journey, this friend also had problems conceiving, we both went to Vitalab in October last year, the only difference is that she fell pregnant on her first cycle there and as a result finally has her little bundle of joy…I am of-course very happy for her and will be seeing them and their new arrival tonight, I love her dearly and wish only the best for them but this is still a hard day….


Baby Blues said...

Thanks Tam! I'm glad you're feeling better.

I understand how it feels. Truly bitter sweet.

It will happen. I just know it.

Sarah said...

i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. we've all been there. it's great that you have some things you want to change, but don't be too hard on yourself for the rough patches. it's just something we all have to go through at times. just take good care of yourself.

Waiting Amy said...

I too am sorry this has been such a tough time for you, but am glad you feel you are heading in a positive direction. I understand about not liking the person IF can turn you into. I often feel this way. It took awhile to get to that that place, so it make take a bit to get somewhere new.

Be kind to yourself!

Leah said...

I understand what you mean 120%. I wish I could take time off to heal, but my biological clock is ticking so loud (or is it the bomb set to go off in my crappy ovaries?) and even a month probably makes a difference. Ugh.

This is all so tough, so disappointing, so draining. We all wonder where that happy, light, breezy version of ourselves went. I don't think I'll ever get her back 100% but surely I will at least *resemble* her when we are done with all this IF crap.

I've been praying for you every single day, for peace and strength. I hope that you find the healing and calm you are looking for so that you can enter your FET cycle refreshed. I'll have all my fingers and toes crossed whenever you are ready.

ultimatejourney said...

IF leaves us with extremely difficult choices. I hope you will find peace in whatever you decide to do.

I'm thinking of you.

Foreverhopeful said...

I'm so sorry Tam that its been so tough on you. I've been there many times and I know there is nothing I can say to change things but please know we are here for you. My AF was always regular too and after my many IVF's, I started having longer cycles as well (longest was 41). I know how IF can totally change you and I lost so much of who I used to be. I become this really sad and pessimistic girl and at times, I didn't even recognize myself. Don't be so hard on yourself. IF and going through failed IVF's is incredibly difficult and so be good to yourself. Big hugs to you and hope things get better soon.

stickybun07 said...

Oh, Tam...I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. I totally understand how hard this must be, and it's great that you're taking the time you need to grieve and waiting until you're really ready for the FET.

I also wanted to thank you so much for all of your love and support and well wishes. I started reading your blog at the same time I started mine, and I really feel like we've been on a part of this journey together. I know what a hard time this is for you, and I'm so humbled and greatful for your kindness.

Mostly, though, I'm thinking about you lots and wishing you the best. I think great things lie ahead for you and Frank, and I will be hoping everyday for you both.

Bumble said...

Wow, that little one is already here? How time flies.

You sound a little better Tam and I'm happy about that. Your plan of looking after yourself sounds amazing, the yoga, acupuncture etc will all work wonders for your general wellbeing. You know I pray for you and Frank all the time, if I want this to end for anybody, its you guys. I'm here for you. xxx

Amy R said...

Hi Tam, sending you a hug :) Its crazy how IF changes us, and then all the bumps towards the healing process can sometimes feel so very slow. Take care of yourself and just go one day at a time; you'll get there. :)

Becks said...

Thanks for sending me the invite to share your blog Tam, I feel privileged.

I do hope you feel ok after seeing your friends baby, I understand how bitter sweet it can be. But we will get there, some take longer than others so in the meantime, look after yourself, get back to full strength and then lets go again.

I loved reading the story about you and Frank, it brought tears to my eyes and I love the song....definitely my kind of music.

Hugs x

ruzenka said...

I'm feeling the same way like what you feel Tam, I hope it will get better.