Bitter sweet...

Well it seems that most of you are on board, please let me know if there is anyone that I have left off that would like to come over (thanks JJ!!), I hope that this is not too difficult, there were loads of readers to close to home for comfort…statcounter is a wonderful warning tool!! We have shared parts of our journey with some people but there are just some things that I can’t bear for them to read…

I am sorry that I have been MIA for a while but I have been keeping an eye on all of you, Congrats to Baby Blues and Sticky bun!! JJ, we are waiting with baited breath for your results chicken, praying it's good news!! Also while you’re out and about, please send some love to Carrie too.

Life hasn’t been easy lately and so I am taking things one day at a time, I am finally starting to sleep again and am feeling a little better, I am still going for physio and that seems to be helping too. I still have bad days where I feel very tearful but those are also getting to be less frequent. I’m still getting a lot of headaches but I still think that it’s got a lot to do with my screwed up cycle.

Talking about screwed up cycles, I am now on CD39, I have never never never had a cycle this long, the good news is that it does feel like AF might be on her way but in saying that I have felt that a few times and still have nothing to show for it!! The sad thing is the warped part of my brain has been wondering if maybe, just maybe they got my beta wrong, now how sad it that!! Of-course I do know that that is highly unlikely and it does amaze me to think that my brain can still go there…not all is lost.

Frank and I have been fine, like I said before, things have been difficult and I do know that it has all been me, I am so over-emotional and irrational, difficult as all hell. It has taken me some time to see that it is all me and that the poor guy is trying to make sense of what has replaced his once calm and loving wife, I am still in here but I’ve been battling to get out a bit. I never thought of myself as a stressed person who over-reacts at the drop of a hat, I have always been quite calm and happy go lucky, IF has changed that, no actually it was gradual, IVF seems to be what pushed me over the edge and destroyed my balancing act!!

It’s taken some real soul searching to realize that it is time to start making a change, I don’t know how I let myself become this person, I don’t particularly like who I have become now days (as I am sure neither do most of you) and I am on a mission to get the old Tam back, I have found some yoga classes which I am going to join (just one) and have decided to start looking after my body again because I have been punishing it something terrible lately and once my cycles come back to normal I am going to start acupuncture.

Frank and I still haven’t discussed the FET, we are leaving that conversation for when I am more myself and a lot less stressed and emotional, it’s the last thing I can think about right now, right now I need some work. It has also occurred to me that maybe the stress is just too much for my body to cope with and maybe that’s part of the reason I can’t fall pregnant, maybe my body just wont allow me to go there until my mind is right, I need to learn to….yes, I am going to say that word us IF’s hate….R.E.L.A.X!!

Time is passing quite quickly now, it’s been 10 weeks since I started my stim cycle for IVF, so if it had worked then I would be almost 10 weeks pregnant by now and my life would be very different, it’s been almost 6 weeks since I got my BFN and it is slowly starting to feel better. It really gets me that we have to deal with screwed up cycles on top of all this, damn IF!!

And here comes the bitter sweet part, a very dear friend of mine had her little baby boy this morning, today marks a very bitter sweet part of my journey, this friend also had problems conceiving, we both went to Vitalab in October last year, the only difference is that she fell pregnant on her first cycle there and as a result finally has her little bundle of joy…I am of-course very happy for her and will be seeing them and their new arrival tonight, I love her dearly and wish only the best for them but this is still a hard day….