Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Sharing some of our history....

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you…

I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held on to
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

Forgetting all I’m lacking
Completely incomplete
I’ll take your invitation
If you take all of me...

Now I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held on to
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and I’m not sure where to go
I don’t know what I’m diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you…

There’s nothing else to loose
There’s nothing else to find
There’s nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else…

This song means so much to Frank and I. It was our wedding song and we have a history with it…I’m going to share some it with you…

Frank and I met at work, it was 10, almost 11 years ago. At the time, we were both single but eventually we both involved with other people. I always felt like there was something more there, this strange attraction. Neither of us acted on it, we were just friends and over the years our friendship turned into something beautiful. Frank knew me inside out and I like to think that I knew him that well too, we used to speak about our relationships and everything else that we call life.

Eventually I got engaged and so did he, I thought I was happy but I was kidding myself, I was miserable. My fiancé drank way too much and was very possessive, he had also been married before and had a little boy, that was the easy party, I loved T to bits, he was only about 6 months old when we started dating and was almost 5 when I finally left his Dad, that was hard. I had to put up with a horrible ex-wife who couldn’t be bothered about her child and only used him to get to us and his parents who thought that they should have stayed together for the child so they never gave me the time of day. It was a very long 4 and a half years of my life, bearing in mind that I was only 18, almost 19 when we started dating so I was nothing like I am now. I was way too young and naïve.

Eventually I came to my senses and left him, it was all too much and I really just couldn’t do it, he never left me alone and eventually I went back to him and got engaged and started planning our wedding all over again. During this time Frank and I had become even closer, he was going through a rough time as well. No-one could understand why I was doing this and everyone was too scared to say anything, it was ridiculous.

It was almost 6 years ago now when it was nearing my birthday, I had decided that I was going to leave my fiancé again, nothing had gotten better, it was worse and I just couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him and his family. They had planned to go away on the weekend of my birthday and I said I wasn’t going, he begged me to go and try and sort things out, I went but by this time my feelings for Frank had already developed into something more.

The day before I left for the weekend I told Frank that I thought about him every time I heard this song (hanging by a moment), he said he’d never heard it. I went away that weekend and it was terrible, the worst birthday I have ever had, we fought all day, I cried all day. I just wanted to go home, to make matters worse, Frank had sent me a birthday message, we fought about that and I was accused of having an affair, what was happening was wrong, I did have feelings for Frank but nothing had happened between us.

We got home on the Sunday and I moved out straight away, back with my parents. I got back to work on the Monday and switched on my computer and as I signed on, Hanging by a momemt started playing (Frank used to be the network admin here so he could do cool things like this). It was then that I knew that this was definitely what I wanted. By this time Frank’s relationship had also ended and we started dating straight away, this was in the August, we went through a few months of hard times, we should have waited and eventually we broke up, I was devastated but Frank needed time to figure out what it was that he wanted out of life, we kept getting back together and eventually broke up for good in November.

I had just moved out of my parents place into my own flat, things were difficult, I became very depressed and started seeing a psychologist, he put me on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets, I started losing weight, it was all terrible, I spent days crying in my office, trying to dodge Frank in the passages which was hard because at the time we worked in the same dapartment, it wasn’t only Frank, he had just been the last straw, I had a lot to deal with that hadn’t been dealt with – Childhood issues.

Eventually things got better, I was feeling better and was dealing with everything one day at a time, I started dating someone I had met through a friend in February. I was still trying to get over Frank but had decided that it was time to move on, I was not what he wanted anymore (or so I thought). I went away at the beginning of March and during this time Frank tried to phone and sms me, I ignored it all. Eventually I came back and came into work a day early to do some stuff. I saw Frank and he asked if we could have dinner together, I said that it was okay as I expected him to cancel anyway because that’s what things were like way back when. We went for dinner and the rest is history. Next year March marks 5 years together.

Hanging by a moment holds so many memories for me, it was the song we used for our first dance at our wedding. The words are just so touching for me and they still mean so much during our journey now, somehow we are still hanging by a moment.

My apologies for the long post, just wanted to share some history with you all, it’s a very important part of our journey!

Today is CD20 and I have the first sign of what may be ovulation (8 days later than normal), EWCM!! If Frank wasn’t still so sick, I might consider that DIY thing!!


Sarah said...

well if you're thinking about DIY again i take that to mean you're feeling a little more optimistic, so i'm glad for you for that. thanks for sharing that history, sounds like you two were meant to be.

Tam said...

Yeah, seeing the EWCM makes me just wanna get on with things I suppose! Feeling a bit better, taking things one day at a time now.

Leah said...

What a wonderful story. Not all the crappy parts where everything was so hard and confusing for you, but the ending. Love does perservere!! Thank goodness you guys continued trying to work it out over all those years, you are lucky to have each other.

Glad to hear O is making an appearance. Finally for me too! Isn't it so funny that our bodies seem to be imitating each other, communicating across the globe?

Kate said...

I love to hear stories where struggle eventually lands people where they belong. I hope your IF struggle ends just as happily as your love story. :)

Carrie said...

That's quite a journey.
I hope this part of your life (the IF journey) will just be a memory too one day. You know like when you remember that you felt really down but it is so in the past that you can't feel it any more.
It seems unlikely right now but we've all been through stuff that seemed mega before and, with chance, fate, time and moving on, now is just part of our history and makes us who we are today.

ultimatejourney said...

Wow! You guys have been through a lot together. You were clearly meant to last. I wish you didn't have to go through such a bumpy ride, but then you wouldn't be who you are today -- a wonderful woman with lots of love to give.

Bumble said...

What a lovely story, I never knew all that about you guys, but I agree that it definitely sounds like you are meant to be together. And I love the song, it made me cry even as I read it there, it can mean so much can't it? So glad you're feeling a bit better, I wanna give you a call soon, it feels like we haven't chatted in ages. xxx

Amy R said...

Thank you for sharing your story; that was lovely! I'm glad he didn't cancel out on that dinner :)

anna said...

Thanks for sharing the beautiful history of your relationship. How neat that the song is able to always remind you about the beginnings of your relationship with Frank. It sure is nice having a supportive partner during this bumpy infertility ride, isn't it?! Oh, and I'm the one on the left in that picture with my sister!

Mands said...

What a lovely story Tam. Your honesty is admirable. I am so glad that you have found your soul mate - that is rare.
And you have great taste in music!
I also tend to relate music to people and periods in my life.

Baby Blues said...

Wonderful story. Love it how true love prevails! You're both blessed to have each other. I had bad relationships too and looking back makes me realize how lucky I am to have waited for Mr. Kite to come along.

Foreverhopeful said...

Wow you guys have quite the history together.. BUT it just shows how much you belong together. I love a happy ending and I hope you will have a happy ending soon for your pursuit of a family as well.

Sticky Bun said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story--it's always so wonderful to hear about situations where true love really does persevere. And, like Kate said, I hope your IF journey ends equally happily, with lots of love.