Monday, September 3, 2007

Post IVF....Cycle number 3!

Well, as you clever little bloggers all guessed it…AF made her appearance yesterday, right on schedule. I’m okay, really…I’m not going to lie and tell you that I wasn’t a bit disappointed although I really expected AF to come, I was disappointed….I felt like crying but I didn’t and I was just feeling sorry for myself in general. I also think that when AF finally hits us, we are feeling rather hormonal anyway, so I’m just gonna blame the hormones for now.

Frank was a sweetie and took me out to Milky lane for a Whispers Waffle and Ice cream and while we were sitting there we spoke about the FET and things that have gotten away from us, it’s funny how life takes a back seat when IF is in the house! It’s taking us some time to get back on our feet financially, two and a half years of IF will do that to your finances, we are doing fine but have a few things to sort out, the good news is that by the end of the year, we’ll have cleared everything and hopefully have money left over for another fresh IVF cycle, which of-course we are hoping to not have to do but just in-case…

I try to explain to Frank and everybody that I am okay, I’m getting anxious and can’t wait to get on that rollercoaster again. We IF’s are a strange lot, as much as we hate the rollercoaster, we’re always rushing to get in line for it!! I can wait another two months or so to do the FET and this break has done both of us the world of good. I was broken after my IVF, emotionally and physically and I had no hope what-so-ever for my FET, I was convinced that it wouldn’t work anyway so I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to even go there. I feel different now, I have so much hope for my little embies, I’m feeling really good and I know that by the time I get there, I’m going to be so much better and really really ready!

But I am still angry, so I’m okay…but angry. The anger just never seems to go away, sometimes it just simmers under the surface and on other days it just wants to explode and bubble out for everyone to see…I still really don’t get any of this. It makes me angry that Frank and I even have to do this, that we have to try and work out when to do a FET because money comes in to it, it makes me angry that I see pregnant women everywhere and that I am jealous of them and that all I want is to be them, it makes me angry that I even have to feel this way….I’m angry at myself for not making peace with it, for even trying to understand “why” after all this time. I am angry for being angry…

The strange this is that none of this even seems real, I can’t get my mind around the fact that we have done IVF, that we have little embies out there waiting for us to make a decision, the fact that I would have already been 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now, the fact that I feel like I am wasting precious time….

I’m rambling, please forgive me but there is so much that I need to get out, the kind of stuff you don't realise is there until your fingers hit the keyboard. When I type these words I realise that I am not ready, I think I am ready but my mind isn’t. I need to get rid of all this anger, I need to be free of it now, I need to accept that this is the way it is but that it’s not the end of the world, I will be okay, I wont be angry anymore one day, one day I will feel different about all of this, I will have my little one and like Bumble, I will finally be alive, finally complete.

Okay so this was meant to be a short one...I am happy about one thing…33 days is better than 39…maybe this one will be a normal 26 days!! See even my body is telling me to take some more time…

16 comments:

Becks said...

Sorry that this didn't work out for you. I must say you sound like you are dealing with this well and to be positite on this day is amazing. If you decide to wait a little while I hope it does the trick for you. Hugs.

Leah said...

Oh, how I understand the anger. I wish I could say something magical right now. But I can't. I'm sorry this cycle didn't work.

Amy R said...

I just wanted to send you a blog-hug Tam :) I'm hoping its a wonderful outcome for the FET :)

Baby Blues said...

Hugs sweetie.

I hear you. We're all simply addicted to hope. Although we'll be taking a break, in the back of my mind I can't wait to start trying again!

Chanti said...

Tam it's like you said, IF people are really special kind of people. The worst happens, we take the time we need to dust ourselves of and then were back on again. Hope never fails to rear her head and make us trudge on. Was just thinking IF more like a rodeo bull ride than roller coaster. Exileration is bigger if you manage to stay on but the bruises are bigger when you fall of.... Hope you get to sort through the anger and get back on to get you BFP you deserve

Reproductive Jeans said...

Thanks for your comment about the wacky cycle days..AF is STILL not here--and I still wont POAS...I just cant wrap my head around having such a long cycle, and then to have to stare at a white HPT....BUT as you said, and its so true--our bodies are telling us, "give me more time to rest" And I hope that this rest time has been what you needed--although I wish the DIY would work (for us both!) But you sound so much brighter and more positive, and Im so happy for that! Hugs to you!

ultimatejourney said...

Hugs. I'm glad you're taking your time healing. Wishing you all the best.

anna said...

Tam honey, honestly, I'm not sure that the anger really completely goes away. Heck, I'm 8 weeks today and there's still a grain of anger in me left over from all the badness IF brings. It's just when peace outweighs anger, you'll be ready...and you're well on your way. I'm so glad you're taking good care of yourself..that ice cream treat sounded yummy! Lots of big hugs your way.

Foreverhopeful said...

Sorry that AF showed up. I went through many periods of being angry and bitter at the world. I snapped at DH one day and he sweetly asked me do you have anger built up inside you? And I said yes.. not toward him (and I know I shouldn't take it out on him) but at this whole awful IF. Its just so unfair how hard some of us have to have it. Hugs to you and I'm glad you are feeling more positive about your FET.

Mands said...

I am so sorry that you have to feel this way. I am so scared myself of what lies ahead, it is all so uncertain.
I am glad though, that you have such a wonderful, understanding husband to help you through this.
And I am always here for a chat, I am a phone call away.
((hugs))
Mands xx

Erin said...

You are so right about this siren rollercoaster we’re on. It’s horrible during the ride, but once it’s over you can’t wait to get back on again! What a perfect analogy.

Thanks so much for your comments!

Waiting Amy said...

Oh Tam, hang in there. I understand about the anger. Like Anna said, I'm not sure it ever totally goes away. But I do think we can learn to manage it and cage it and make it behave.

I'm sorry the DIY didn't work, but glad your are feeling more hopeful for the FET. My body too has been big time wonky after my last IVF attempt. I think time is helping, so rest as you need it.

keep taking care of yourself!

Bumble said...

Don't be angry for being angry Tam, you're doing the best you can do. And no, I'll say the anger doesn't go away fully ever. But it gets better, and so will you. Hopefully this cycle will be the one. Thinking of you often xxx

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