Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I'm writing my own story...

It’s been a long few weeks, instead of things getting better like they normally do, things just got worse. I can’t remember being in a place like this, I think I have before but this time I’m not sure how to get out of it. It’s all very strange really.

It started at a family event, things went wrong somehow and too many things were done and said – from there it was like a downward spiral, everything that I have not wanted to think about made its way into my head and my life. It happened at a particularly bad time too, a time when I wasn’t feeling the best anyway because my 3rd cycle with Dr P was becoming a reality and hormones were flaring.

I’m not going to go into details, a lot of what I have dealt with in the past has come back, feelings that I don’t understand. Feelings that made me question my wanting to be a mother, thoughts that maybe, just maybe my IF is a way to telling me that I shouldn’t be a mother.

At first I thought that I was just feeling sensitive because it has been a long road, life has never really been easy for me and that is just one of the reasons that I love my husband as much as I do, he has saved me from all of it, made sense of a life that never really made any sense up until I found him. But the feelings and thoughts never went away, I became more and more anxious and confused so I decided to go and see a counselor about it, he helped me….I know that counseling works because I have been down this road before, before I even know that IF would enter my life.

But in helping me, he has turned my world upside down, making what I have believed for a long time make no sense at all. He has given me a different way of looking at things and that changes a lot for me, in fact it changes everything. So right now, I am in a state of utter confusion, confused because nothing makes any sense to me anymore. The only thing that makes sense right now is Frank and our love for each other.

I know that I am meant to be a mother, I know that deep down inside I haven’t done anything to deserve this and I know that IF isn’t just life’s way of punishing me for never understanding one of the simplest things in life, the bond that a mother and child should have.

I know that all of this sounds very confusing and it’s my way of getting some of it out without saying everything. I am trying my hardest to work through it all, I have decided that life is not always cut and dry, there are not hard and fast rules for how things are supposed to be, everyone gets to write their own story and to make it what they want it to be, I am in the process of writing my story and all I know it that in the end I will be a mother and I will leave IF and everything else that has been hard on this journey behind us.

We have decided to start IVF in June, I will be starting BCP then so my stim cycle will be at the end of June/early July. I need to take some time to work through the rest of it, to come to terms with everything that hasn’t been dealt with and to finally make sense of my life.

That is were I am right now, I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for a lot of you and I wish all of you that are in the middle of cycles all the best!


B said...

Good to hear from you Tam.

Life can be so confusing sometimes, I often wonder what its all about.

I am so pleased that despite this unsettling time you and Frank are as strong as ever.

We maybe cycling at the same time, I'll hold your hand if you'll hold mine x

JJ said...

My heart aches for you, Tam. I feel a lot of the same feelings as you do--I wish we could reach across the miles for a big hug!
Mook and I continue to grow stronger-and its a great feeling--Im glad you and Frank are experiencing the same thing!
Im always here if you need me!

Baby Blues said...

Oh Tam, I just want to reach out and give you a big hug! I've been MIA and I'm sorry I haven't been there too. But my prayers and thoughts are always with you. I'm never too far away.

ultimatejourney said...

Oh Tam, I'm sorry you're in pain. Share as much as you need to, and know that I'm wishing you the best.

CAM said...

Yes, those feeling are so intense and completely take you over. I have avoided SO many social events because I just can't handle the strain of my emotions. Someone told me once that when we avoid things it is "not selfishness - it is self preservation."
Thanks for stopping by to visit my blog. I'll be sure to check back on you!

Charne Trollip said...

Thinking of you Tam and i know whats it is like when you start questioning if you were meant to be a mommy! Never doubt that for a moment, hold onto hope and faith and believe with all your heart that your time will come, that you will be a mommy...

Thinking of you!

Mark10:27 " with man this is impossible, but not with God, all this are possible with God."

Elize said...

Hi Tam, I don't know you, so I'm not sure what it is that's causing you so much angiush and pain, you have helped me in the past with some emotional problems and for that I am truly grateful.

You WILL get through this, you're halfway there. Just remember, we are all here for you if you need a shoulder to cry on and someone to lean on.

You are in my thoughts and prayers always!

Foreverhopeful said...

Infertility is such a painful journey and it makes you question everything about life. I'm sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with this all.. I've been there many times. Its good you are seeing a counsellor and I'm glad you have such a strong love and bond with your hubby. Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Sam said...

Tam, I dropped by to see if you had updated and read your post and sjoe... I am so sorry that you are having a tough time right now. You are an amazing person, and I just want you to know that if you need anything, I am here for you. You are going to be an amazing Mom and Frank will be an amazing Dad.


Leah said...

Life is terribly confusing. I will pray that you find enough clarity to bring you some peace. As always, I wish I lived on your side of the world so that I could give you a few thousand nice, long hugs. xo

Carrie said...

Tam, I am so sorry that you are under such a black cloud. I hate how IF can magnify other issues too, issues that may have been a lot easier to deal with if we hadn't got the rest of this stuff going on.
I am glad you are cycling again (I think I'm going to cycle june/july too, we can help each other) I know the mix of emotions when cycling after previous disappointments.

I hope you manage to get the answers to your questions and you and Frank get out the other end of this without too many scars.

anna said...

Dear Sweet Tam, I'm so sorry that things still suck so much. I'm very glad that you've gone to see a therapist. It's very common for things to feel as if they've been turned upside down in the beginning of therapy before they actually get better- totally normal. Stick with it, and it'll all come together. I hope this confusion and badness passes quickly from you as you only deserve peace and happiness.

Bumble said...

Hi Tambo, I don't know exactly what it is thats making you sad (besides the obvious) but I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you if you need to talk. Just text me and I'll call you back. And never lose faith that you will be a mommy, it will happen for you guys. I know its hard not to sometimes when everything beats you down, but you will get thru this, and you'll be so damn strong at the end. And a fantastic mommy to your little angel. Love always xxx