Thursday, March 27, 2008


So...the storm after the calm hit me yesterday, quite unexpectedly. Not to say I didn't expect it, I expected it eventually but not so soon.
I've been plodding along, minding my own business when all of a sudden I hit a wall. It started on Tuesday, I was feeling a bit off - it was then that I knew that AF was on her merry way. I felt very tearful and scared, had a very bad case of PMS.

So yesterday morning when I woke up, I didn't feel much better, I got dressed...thought about AF and packed my goodies in my handbag just in-case but hoping against all hope that I wouldn't need them and that soon I would see those 2 lines. I wasn't at work long and AF appeared and all I wanted to do is run and hide, run and hide from my life.

It hit me so hard, I phoned Frank to tell him and he said "oh well, we'll just try again" and normally I would love him for being so optimistic but that's just not what I wanted to hear, i'm still not sure what I wanted him to say and I think that it doesn't really matter either because at that moment in time, nothing would have helped.

My mind was reeling, going crazy trying to figure out why I wasn't okay anymore, thoughts of what to do next made me feel even worse. At one point my only thought was going for a day 2 scan and starting BCP for my next IVF and then wondering whether month 3 with Dr P would do the trick. You see, I have always been like this - I choose to believe in the treatment that I am doing whole heartedly BUT when i've given it fair chance and I don't get results, the I lose faith and want to move on to the next thing.

One of my close friends at work came to ask if I was okay, I told her that I wasn't and I wasn't sure what to do, I told her exactly how I felt and what my options were. Now, she has been there with me all along on this journey, she has a child of her own and conceived within the first month of going off the pill but has never once judged me, she has always tried to walk in my shoes and I love her dearly for that. She told me in no un-certain terms to pull myself together and that I should just follow "the plan", she said that I have all the time in the world and that waiting another one or two months is not going to kill me, infact all it's going to do is improve my chances of conceiving with IVF. She also told me that if I start IVF now and it doesn't work then I'm going to look back and wonder if I should have given my body some more time.

I must admit that some of what she said wasn't easy to hear, we (infertiles) tend to get our backs up when fertile people try and give us advice (no matter how good the friendship is) but when I thought about everything she was saying, I had to agree that she was right. I still felt very sorry for myself but I needed to hear everything that she said to me.

Today is a better day, I still feel a bit sad but I'm on the mend. Frank agrees too that we aren't ready yet, we'll give it some more time. This month is supposed to be my last month on treatment with Dr P, "the plan" was to start BCP in May but like I have said before...that will mean that this cycle will fall on the same time as my first IVF, it feels like a bad omen to me, please tell me what you think.....tell me if you think it's daft to use that as an excuse.

So for now I carry on with my eating plan and excercise, carry on with my Agnus and acupuncture and decide what to do when I need to.....and try desperately to find peace again.

To those of you who commented on my last post, I am truly sorry if any of you were hurt by it and I wanted to let you all know that wherever you are in your journey, I pray for peace for you all everyday....


Becks said...

I think you are doing the right thing following 'the plan'. Being in control of something is what helps us through this and lurching from one plan to another may only throw you off.

I wouldnt worry about the timing of your next try. I have had SO many patterns in my 4 goes and so many times I have thought 'this will work because there is no pattern here' but you know what, it all means nothing.

Omens mean nothing - songs you hear, tv shows you watch, clothes you wear, perfect timing because it would be a summer baby, a Christmas baby, have no meaning whatsoever, we just have to believe if it is our time it will happen regardless of what is going on around us.

Thinking of you xx

JJ said...

Im so sorry it blindsided you yesterday--I hate when I feel fine one day, and then the next (esp when AF arrives) I feel like Ive been run over by a truck, and then the truck backed up and did it again...

I know how hard it is to keep going--I just wish we both could say STOP and be off this roller coaster. But Ill ride it through with you!

I see that you are playing with your blog design--looking good!

anna said...

Tam, I'm so sorry this is so hard! AF is just such a disheartening visitor that no matter where you are in terms of confidence and peace, it's natural that it throws you off a bit. Not to mention the hormonal aspect which does nothing to stabilize one's mood! I think your friend (though enviously fertile) is should probably stick to the plan. I do think that if it bothers you so much that the IVF would fall on the same timeline as last year, I would move it a month later. See what your Chinese medicine doc says about extending his protocol one more month or even half a's amazing what your frame of mind can do, and this is a big deal! I know it's not completely rational to worry about the omen, but I'm like you- I still can't help but think of this, and you deserve to have every omen and piece of karma on your side when you venture down this IVF path. Thinking of you!!!

Bumble said...

Oh Tam. I'm so damn sorry that AF arrived this cycle. And that you're feeling so lost again. I think I might agree with C here... just complete the current plan so that you know you've given it your best shot, but at the same time, I'm so very hopeful that your next IVF will fulfill all your dreams. You will only be in better health if you end up needing it after all. Always here if you need a chat. Lots of love xxx

Carrie said...

Tam, I am so sorry this sneaked up and got you. You've been doing so well and you'll get back into that position but is so difficult when the legs are knocked from below.
I think you are right to stick with the plan. You will always wonder otherwise.
I think when you have been on this awful roller coaster for such a while there is just no real way to protect ourselves from the raw pain. It is sometimes hard to see it coming and then it is so difficult to cope with but it does pass. and this will pass and you'll be back doing well.
I wish there was something I could say that would actually make this better for you but there isn't. It is horrible and awful and I hope it comes to an end soon xx

stickybun07 said...

I'm so sorry about all of the ups and downs. Becks is right about being in control of something--it can sometimes make a difference in outlook, etc.

As always, I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the best. Hang in there, sweetie.

Elize said...

Hi Tam!

I'm sorry this is so hard for you, and even though your friend is not infertile it sounds as if she really gets it. It would be good for you to finish the plan, that way you know without a shadow of doubt that your body will be 100% ready for your next IVF if this cycle results in a BFN. Of course I'm hoping it won't and you won't have to go through IVF again.

Please keep us updated on your progess this month, I'ts so interresting to read what Dr P makes you eat and drink!



Charne Trollip said...

so sorry that you had a bad day

i know its hard to hear fertilie people giving advice, but sometimes they do know what they are talking about.

As for the bad omen thing, i dont believe that doing ivf around the same time will bring you bad luck, but if its going to stress you out then i would advice against it


Foreverhopeful said...

Oh Tam, I'm so sorry that this AF just knocked you down again. I've been there so many times. We are doing so well and trying to be positive and AF is just makes it real again that we are still IF. Like Carrie said, sometimes its hard to protect ourselves from the raw pain and it just sneaks up on you. I agree with all the ladies here that you'll probably feel better if you stick with your original plan. So you won't have any regrets looking back. Good luck with everything and I'm thinking about you.

Sarah said...

sounds like you have a true friend who is willing to be honest and put her concern for you ahead of saying what you might prefer to hear. a rare gift.

Kate said...

I am so sorry. I am thinking about you and praying for you.

Stefanie said...

Hi Tam,

As much as this feels like a rollercoaster ride, you will get through it. You truly have dear friends who are watching out for you, and who will stand by you through this journey. I’m thinking of you through this difficult time.