Thursday, March 20, 2008

Fighting the fight....

I know i'm a bad little blogger, there isn't really that much news on my side anymore, I find that there's really not much to say these days, when you not cycling and by "cycling" I mean doing serious treatment like IVF then there's really no fuss, you don't symptom watch like you used to, you don't blog about every twitch and altho I am actually doing something productive to try and fall pregnant, I feel like i'm not because of how down played it is but this might very well be the way I fall pregnant, but how come there isn't a fuss?

It's wierd, we seem to change the way we react to everything the further we walk down this road, it's feels like we stop believing eventually and because everyone moves on except us, we feel different about fighting the fight. Sweet JJ's post made the way I've been feeling lately very real, I feel left behind - there's really no other way to put it. So many of you have moved on and I know that your lives are different now and I know it's not intentional but I do know that only a few of you still check this blog - I'm not complaining, I remind my hubby all the time that people change, that life changes and that people move on. Some of you don't want to think about fighting the fight anymore and quite truthfully, I don't blame you, I can't judge because I don't know how it feels to be "on the otherside".

I'm in a good enough place to deal with this now, I'm taking it one day at a time and like I've said before...i'm thinking of delaying my IVF, I have various reasons for doing this:
  1. I feel good about the treatment I'm doing, maybe it's for selfish reasons, I'm enjoying having my body finally react in the way I want it to - a control thing maybe??
  2. Frank and I have really connected lately, we're happy with just "us" for a change, you never really understand the affect IF has on you until you not doing major treatment anymore
  3. I'm scared of starting again, I know we'll get through another IVF in one peace but I don't think that my heart is ready to take another failed IVF, I know that's not the right way to think about it because I should think that it could end in a BFP but i'm not there yet
  4. Don't laugh, but starting BCP in May would mean that this IVF would be exactly the same time as my first one last year, out by a few days i'm sure and maybe this is non-sense but I don't want to jinx it, I'm scared of the same result because it's the same time :o/
  5. When i'm not doing major treatments, it's almost easy to pretend that the past three years has not been my life, i'm in a place now that I can't understand, I'm baffled over my denial and while I know it will pass and I should enjoy it, it does concern me because I can feel the shift happening and i'm letting go, it truly scares me....

And while I miss all of you, all of you that have moved on...I know that part of it is for your own good, sanity perhaps? I think about you always and still check in on you and your precious bundles and pray for peace for all of you.

I hope that this post hasn't offended any of you because I know having a baby doesn't make you not infertile anymore and it doesn't take the pain of what you went through dissapear, all i'm trying to do here is tell you all that it's okay, I do understand and like's time for a new circle....I know that those of us still fighting the fight will all be on the otherside of this one day and my dear dear friends, I can't wait!


Anonymous said...

Hugs my dear, just hugs from me, XXX.

JJ said...

You know Im always here for you--no matter how long the journey takes!

Leah said...

I have definitely not deserted you. I check multiple times a week to see if you've posted. I'm lazy and mostly read through bloglines, but that doesn't work with password protected sites so I still come over here through the link on my blog.

I think about you all the time. As I'm busy lamenting all of my failed IVF cycles, I cannot forget my very first true cycle sister. Through all of my treatments, I had not had anyone go through it with the EXACT same timing. As I sit here, 8 weeks away from hopefully meeting my son, I can't help but feel dreadfully sad that I'm not celebrating with you yet.

I have hope, your time will come. I just wish it was NOW. Right now.

I admire your positive attitude, and I covet your closeness with Frank. Kevin and I have a lot of work to do after this baby comes, all the stress of fertility treatments, pregnancies and miscarriages has really taken a toll on us.

There is nothing you or JJ could say that would offend me. (Unless, of course, you said something like, "That LEAH! She's a real shit head. She's got ugly hair and I think her breath smells bad too.") I watched so, so many people "cross over" to the other side in my 3+ years of trying and waiting, and I felt jealous and left behind every time. It's a natural feeling, it just makes me sad that it needs to happen at all.

I will continue to pray for you. For your strength, for your happiness, and for the fulfillment of your family dreams. I wish we didn't live so far away, I'd drive over right now and give you a giant hug. xoxo

Carrie said...

I so understand the feeling of being left behind. It is so bittersweet every time a blogger gets a BFP. I am finding it really difficult too right now.
I am so glad to hear that you feel more peaceful at the moment, I wish I could get to that place somehow. This is all tearing me apart and I am so scared to stop or go on. It is an awful position to be in. I am happy that you and Frank are connecting, relationships suffer such stress.
I hope we both get to move on soon, this can't last forever surely?

anna said...

Tam, I'm grateful for the peaceful place you're in now. Please know that I will always check in on you even if it's too hard for you to check in on me. Cycle sistas for life!!!

Foreverhopeful said...

Hi Tam. I've been feeling the exact same way. So many people have moved on and I've been feeling lonely in blogland. But I realized today that we are not alone and there are still many of us fighting. I do check on you often as well and I hope you know I'm here supporting you whatever your next step is. I'm glad you have found such peace and I know that feeling of being scared to start again. I still feel terrified all the time.

Bumble said...

Tam, I hope you truly, deep down, in your heart, KNOW I'm still here for you and that I always will be. I believe that you too will cross over to this "other side" and I pray all the time that it happens so very soon. Always your friend, me xxx

Sam said...

Can you feel left behind before you even start? Cos that is how I feel sometimes, I have not even crossed that IVF start line but already I am terrified of being left behind...

Cannot wait for you to be a Mom my friend! CANNOT wait!!!

Becks said...

I am right with you Tam, those feelings of being left behind, they are there right now for me.

I think it has hit a few of us recently, Carrie, Foreverhopeful, JJ, we all feel the same.

I just hope we all make it to the other side, in one piece, physically and emotionally.

As I said to Foreverhopeful in a similar comment, I buy into the person not their situation, so I'll be here for you whatever the weather!

Sarah said...

i know this sounds extremely shitty, but honestly the reason i am a terrible blogger/commenter these days is NOT that i've moved on. i actually spend more time than you'd think wishing i had a free moment to check in on you. having a baby has not changed how i feel about infertility, blogging, or my dear blogfriends. she has simply eaten all my time.

thinking of you.