Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Winds of change....

And so we’ve made the decision to leave Dr P. I’m seeing a new lady on Friday this week, Dr Debbie. I have heard only good things about her so I am quite excited!!

I’m a bit sad to leave Dr P, he did a lot of good for me. I am still following the eating plan he gave me because it’s easy and it can become a way of life. I’m also still losing weight, I’m now on my 7th kg since the beginning of Feb, of-course I’m still gyming 3 times a week so that helps too. It was not an easy decision to make but my last cycle and my conversation with him on Friday helped me make up my mind.

As you all know, I started bleeding on day 23 of my cycle. This had never happened before, even when I was doing a stim cycle and was triggered the shortest cycle I had was 26 days. Now I know that it’s only 3 days but that would mean that I ovulated on CD 8 or 9 apposed to my normal CD 14 to 17 (CD11 on only two cycles in 38 cycles off BCP).

So I phoned Dr P because I wanted his opinion, now I’m not so sure if I like what he said. He started off saying that it wasn’t good and I agreed, he went on to ask about my last period. I told him that I only bled for one day with about 5 days of spotting which isn’t normal but I had spoken to him about it before we started acupuncture last cycle and he said it was okay. He then goes on to say that he thinks I might have been pregnant and that I’m having a miscarriage!

I was floored, really not what I expected at all! So I asked what I should do and he said that I must come back on day 8 and we’ll start again. And that ladies was that, I was in such shock that I didn’t know what to say so I said….”oh, okay”

Frank wasn’t home at the time, I cried a bit and then tried to work out how far I would have been. 7w2days. I read up on what a miscarriage would be like at that stage, I read up on how I couldn’t have known that I might have been pregnant. I didn’t really find any answers.

I don’t want to believe that I am having a miscarriage, Frank seems to think that it makes perfect sense. I’ve really come off the rails in the past few weeks, have had a terrible time emotionally, I’ve had the flu and have been having problems with my blood pressure because it was too low and I was constantly dizzy, I asked Dr P what was going on and he gave me some herbs for my blood pressure, I’ve had sore breasts but they are constantly sore on the agnes.

Surely I should have known?

I would be nice to think that after 3 years of trying, we got it right naturally but now I will never know. We could have gone to Vita.lab and had some beta’s done but Frank seems to think that it wouldn’t be in my best interest to watch beta numbers drop right now but then again, it also could have confirmed that I was never pregnant and that now just before we start another IVF my body is playing silly buggers!

I was also worried that if I was pregnant that I would blame myself for not knowing and for not being on progesterone to protect my little one and help it grow. I’m just not in the right frame of mind for this right now.

I spoke to my most favourite person, Bumble on Sunday and she helped me a lot. She has a way of putting things into perspective. I love you dearly my friend and thank you for always being there for me.

I haven’t cried again, Frank is concerned that I’m not dealing with this but the problem is that I don’t know what to think. I’m sad for what might have been but how do you deal with it when you not sure it was there in the first place. I’m still bleeding, I’ve had quite a bit of cramping and headaches but every day gets better and now, only time will tell. We haven't discussed this with many people, we've told close family and friends and they understand that we don't want to make a huge deal out of this because we don't know what really happened, they know if we need to talk and they'll be there but they'll understand if we don't want to too.

We planning on starting BCP as soon as this cycle is over, we’ll do acupuncture and give it a go naturally again this month but if all else fails I should start BCP before the end of May. Sweet Bumble sent me some precious Gonal F, a brand new pen left over from her IVF with little Embie, I’m hoping that it has the same affect on me as did on her, so here’s to our next few months and putting the past behind us.


Bumble said...

Hey you, I've got all my hopes pinned on that lucky vial of Gonal... I know this has been so hard to "not know" what really happened, I'd like to think that you guys did get it right (because I know you can do it), and at the same time, my heart breaks at the possibility too. But I hope this gives you a little hope that you can do this, and like I said on the phone, don't put the IVF off any longer. Yes, of course it may happen naturally but you've waited long enough for this and been through more than enough pain and the big guns will do just fine now. I believe our "IVF babies" are just 100% perfect anyway! xxxx

Elize said...

Hi Tam!

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this! I really really think you should do the Beta. You will always wonder and as time goes by you will regret not finding out. I'm cross with Dr.P. He should've told you to go for a beta instead of giving you arse about face facts. Doesn't make sense.

Hope you feel better soon.


Sam said...

Tam, my heart just broke for you and Frank reading this post. I am so sorry that you are having a rough time with this right now. I can only imagine how hard it must be to not know for sure... I am praying for you this cycle my friend! HUGS!!!!

Foreverhopeful said...

Hi Tam,

I'm so sorry for everything you are going through right now. You've already been through so much and I can't imagine what this is doing to you. It must be so hard to not know what really happened. I'm glad to see you are moving on with your next IVF and getting aggressive with a new Dr. I hope with a new Dr. and bumble's lucky Gonal F, it will be a start of a new journey for you and yes putting the past behind. Good luck to you and I'm thinking of you.

JJ said...

Uggg...what luck that we BOTH started on CD 23--how strange?!
Im so sorry Tam-its been a tough road, and I hope with all my might that this new doctor will be able to help you and get you on the other side of all of this!
You are always on my heart--thinking positive for the both of us!

B said...

Sometimes the crap nevers ends does it? I am so sorry you have this huge unknown hanging over you. Let's hope its a good sign for the future.

I hope the change to Dr Debbie does the trick for you both - you deserve it.

Anonymous said...

Tam I want to say that I feel for you utterly and completely. I think everyone feels your anger and fustration with not knowing what the hell is going on with your body - why isn't it the same and consistent as others might so be. I also know how short a fuse can become and how the anger always seems to be there ready to rise but remember that a Beta may or may not be out of the "normal range" with such a scenario as you have described and that DR P was trying to get you to focus on the only thing we can have an effect on which is the future. I have done the blood work, the cycle studies and even had an ultrasound when a baby was just starting to miscarry none of the fact of knowing I was pregnant and lost it helped nor did it seem to change the doctor's treatment protocol. Within the first 12 weeks everything is hormonal, cell divisions and things as such and nobody can do anything if you lose a baby during this time period. Its as though the waiting never ends, waiting to be pregnant, waiting for the first 12 weeks to be over waiting till the baby could survive on its own (usually thought to be 26 weeks) and then waiting for the healthy delivery. It took me 6 years of trying but I finally got through all the waiting. Hang in there it will happen. Note though that I applaud your decisiion to try someone new. If you are uncomfortable with your doctor then trying someone else, something else can help at least give you a better sense of confidence in what you are trying to accomplish.

butterflyanla said...

Sometimes all we need is a season of of change to bring new hope. I hope you have a renewed since of hope and everything works out for you in the end. I know what it is like to go through a "maybe miscarriage" and not have the support of your doctor. During that awful two weeks Jason and I leaned on each other and it truly strengthened our relationship. Wishing you both all the best.

Kate said...

I am so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I hope the new Dr. brings a new beginning and a happy outcome for you and Frank. I'll be thinking of you and praying...