Tuesday, January 8, 2008

So close...

Frank and I had one of our heart to hearts the other night, it's been a while since we've spoken about what our next step in the process is, don't get me wrong, it's not like I made the decision to do another IVF without him, we both knew that this new year would bring a fresh IVF but hadn't really discussed when or how we feel about things, before my last post I asked him if Feb would be okay for me to start BCP and he said that if I was ready then he was fine with it.

So that was that then, I have my heart set on another IVF as from next month, towards the end of last year I wasn't sure, I kept on finding an excuse to put it off another month, Jan was too soon, it's Frank's birthday in Feb and it's also my sister's 21st, then it's our anniversary in March and so I didn't want to be cycling then, but when I think about it now, they were nothing but feeble excuses to put off what scares me the most and that's not me, I normally go into things head on and so I've decided that all I needed was some time to heal, I'll say it again....we infertile are resilient!!

But I digress, we were lying in my most favourite place (our bed) and chatting, I asked him if he was ready and happy with starting in Feb, he told me that he was and that he thinks that we are close - so close now. I think so too, I have to believe that we are closer than we have ever been; I can feel that our dream of becoming parents is within our grasp now, it has to be.

With this IVF brings new fears, a 5 day wait instead of 3, a new protocol that scares me half to death, not because it's less needles (yeah baby!) but because it's different and last time I stimmed very well BUT I also need to remember that altho last time went perfectly with regards to my meds, ER and ET - it didn't work, not even slightly and that this time will be different and we are hoping that that difference is all it takes.

We spoke about how hard last year was, how it's changed us and our marriage, we spoke about how unfair it still seems and about how far we have come. It still feels very surreal, we have been trying to have a baby for as long as we have been married, gone to so many doctors and had so many different opinions, we've done 3 IUI's and 2 IVF's, I've had another 2 lapscopes and more hormones than I could ever imagine put into my body. We still think about how we thought that our child/ren would be made in the privacy of our bedroom, about how naive and simple minded we used to be.

And then Frank said something that I had never imagined, he thanked me for being so strong and for getting him through all this and it made me cry. I never imagined myself as strong, I used to be strong before I was faced with IF but the last thing I feel is strong, I feel weak and scared, I feel like my husband is the only thing that keeps me going. I feel like I'm about to lose it at the best of times and he tells me that I am amazing, that I have made him proud to be my husband because all I think about is how this affects him (because I know that I am the one who can't stop). I asked him to tell me if he wanted to stop, that I didn't want to destroy our marriage over this and he told me that even he couldn't stop now, we've come through all of this and we are almost there, I feel better now and I love my husband more than ever, for being my knight in shining amour and for not knowing that I couldn't do this without him, he is my strength.

Okay, so enough sloppy-ness, Frank boss' wife is pregnant with twins after their first IVF at Vita.lab and I have hope. I start seeing an AC on the 26th of Jan, he says that he wants to see me a month before starting IVF (stimms) so I’m quite excited to try something different, my GP recommended him because he specialises in IF.

And so chickens, with that comes the end of my post. Here's a pic of Frank and I on New Years Eve with my friends little munchkin who really took a liking to me even tho we haven't seen the kids for over a year, very precious....


11 comments:

Sam said...

What a great talk you and Frank had my dear! You are strong and I feel too that you are close to your dream - keep going!

"Victories often occur afer you see no way to succeed but refuse to give up anyway" Dave Weinbaum

JJ said...

That warms my heart for you all...and glad you are so connected through all this! Love the picture=)

anna said...

You ARE amazing and strong and resilient! You have held up so many of us during this IF journey while carrying on with your own bumpy path. I agree with Frank! And as for the upcoming IVF cycle, well, I think those embies will be as drawn to you as that cute kiddo on New Year's.

Elize said...

Hi Tam,

I really hope that this IVF is it for you! You have been through so much, you always have a kind word to say or some really good advise to give. Your husband sounds just great honey. You will be such a cool mommy!

Stefanie said...

Hi Tam,
It's great that you are able to talk to Frank about it all. I am glad to see that you are still connected.

You have helped me in a way that I can only thank you for, I truly whish you all of the best, and remember I am there for you, as I know you would be there for me.

Your friend, Stefanie xxx

Waiting Amy said...

What a lovely connection you and Frank have. There is nothing so special as feeling you and your husband are on the same page and totally working together.

I'm hoping this cycle is THE ONE. Keep on being strong!

Sarah said...

sooo glad to hear how great things are with you and frank. what a long way you guys have come. sorry you had to be down this road at all, but so great to see you coming through the journey so well!

good luck with the new cycle. i agree, different = good!

Schatzi said...

That talk the two of you had sounds fabulous. I think it is great when the struggles of infertility are able to bring us closer to our spouses. Good luck on this upcoming cycle!

Kate said...

You ARE strong and amazing - both of you are!

Bumble said...

That post made me cry Tam. I so want this to be your and Franks year. And he is right, you are so very strong, but so is he, and together you make a great team. Your relationship will be stronger from all of this when you look back one day. I know you are so close now too. Thinking of you all the time xxx

Becks said...

You two are so great together! We are so lucky to have these great guys.

That picture is adorable, one day....you know the rest xx