Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Please make it STOP!!

I just can't...I don't have the strength for this anymore.

AF has just arrived, I was so positive this month, we did everything right with our DIY cycle, our timing was more than perfect, I used the bicarb thing for my acidity and even tried progesterone in my 2ww. I don't know why I still believe that it could happen like this after the road that we have travelled, why do I always end up feeling the same way?

I week ago, I would have told you that it was okay because you see IVF #3 was on the cards, but that has all changed in the last few days and today I am confused and frustrated about what decision needs to be made. We have decided to put our IVF off for another 3 months, when we made this decision, it felt like I had nothing to lose and everything to gain from this, today I feel scared and so so unsure.

We went to go and see the accupuncturist that I mentioned a while ago, he was to treat me in conjuction with my IVF, he did a few tests to determine what condition my body is in, he asks us questions on what the problems are fertility wise and then went on to say that he doesn't understand why we need IVF.

Of-course I share his sentiment, I have never understood that someone with minor fertility problems like mine needs IVF, if I had "structural" problems like blocked tubes etc then yes but everything seems to be functioning correctly in that area. We spoke about our previous IVF's and the fact the embryo's were good but that they did not even start to implant, he asked what our FS thought the problems were etc.

So anyway, after he did the tests etc he said that I am still very acidic/toxic, my hormones are out, my lymphatic system is not working properly and the list went on and on, now I'll tell you that I think that I am quite healthy but he says that I am not. He says that he thinks the problem with implantation is due to acidity, due to the fact that a healthy embryo cannot or will not implant in a uterus that isn't welcoming and really, if you think about it, it does make sense.

And with that, he asked us to give him 3 months to get my body right, he says that he thinks that he can get me pregnant natrually within 3 months and that if I am not then he will still treat me through the IVF but at that stage our chance of success will be much better and our thinking at the time was that we really have nothing to lose and everything to gain, what is 3 months when we've already put 3 years into this? But today I feel different, today I am scared of waiting, today I just want to move on, I. JUST. WANT. A. BABY - I. JUST. WANT. THIS. TO. ALL. STOP - IS. THAT. TOO. MUCH. TO. ASK?

I know that I need to try this, what is the point of going through another IVF, spending all that money, time and emotions on something that probably wont work because nothing has really changed? And so as hard as this is, we are going to try it, I start off with a 10 day detox (this involves colon hydrotherapy for 6 days and a liquid diet while doing the colon cleansing) and he has put me on Agnus Cactus to get my hormones sorted out. Once I have done the detox (I start on Thursday) he will tell me what I am and am not allowed to eat, he will change my diet so that we can start to control my acidity and we'll go from there.

If all else fails, we will be starting IVF in May (funny how it'll a year exactly since our first IVF), I hope and pray that he is right and that we can make this happen natrually within the next 3 months, that has always been No. 1 for me but at least my body will be in a better place if we need to do IVF.

I haven't cried, let me tell you that I want to and I can feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes but I can't, I can't lose it because I haven't even told Frank, it kills me to tell him because he was so excited about this cycle, he kept on telling me that it had to work because we got it all right and it breaks my heart that I feel so broken, that I can't make him a Dad.

On another note, Mands has just had her transfer and it went beautifully - please go and wish her all the best!! Also, sweet Bumble will be having her little girl very soon, they are planning on inducing on Sunday since her due date was yesterday...I wish her all the best with the birth and can't wait to meet little Embie!!


Sam said...

Tam, my heart is just sore for you right now. You are always so strong and are such a positive re-inforcer for the rest of us, I hate that you are feeling like this today. {{{{HUGS}}}}

For the record, you WILL make Frank a Dad. Stand firm on your faith that it will happen. You are both in my prayers, and I hope beyond all hope that this rollercoaster stops for you soon.

Be gentle on yourself and take care of that man of yours.


Kate said...

I really hope that the acupuncture can help. I am very interested in seeing what he does and what you find from this whole process. I'll be thinking of you and sending you every good thought.

LJ said...

Oh tam, I am so sorry. I am right by your side, I really am.

JJ said...

You and I could have written each other's posts my friend! I feel the emotions as my own, when I read your is SO scary not to know what is next and if any of the plans we make will lead us to being successful.
I am interested to see if my acupuncturist would say the same thing about the acidity? I havent gone back to see him since our IVF in July, but at this point Im willing to try anything, you know?!
Please keep us posted on his regimen for you.
Please know your thoughts mean the world to me, and you've got 110% of my support right back!
many hugs!!!

anna said...

Oh my dear, sweet Tam, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I wish this bumpy part of your journey could be over and you could find joy in another sort of bump!
I did acupuncture before and through my IVF, and I really think it helped. In fact, there's been many well-done studies proving it helps in infertility so I would give it a crack!
You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I'm sending you long-distance hugs. Chicken, this too shall pass...just hold on!

Artblog said...

Oh sweetheart!!! I wish I could stop this for you, for everyone I read here. Its so frustrating that I cant, its just so out of our hands, whatever happens!

I don't want to give you false hope ans say it will happen one day because I just don't know, I can only hope and pray that it does, and soon!

But do keep strong, its important :(


Mands said...

I also just read an article about acu improving your success with IVF, especially if you go straight after transfer.
I am truly sorry that you have had to endure all of this, and I know the waiting is killing, but you will know in your heart what the right course of action is.
Thank you so much for the mention - so far so good. Trying *hard* not to overthink things :-)

PS I was on Agnus Castus as well, and some funny little black balls (chinese).

(((((BIG HUGS)))))
Mands xx

Stefanie said...

Tam, Sorry your feeling so down. I know how hard this is, but you will find the strength to carry on.

Thinking of you and here if you want to chat.