Rambles...

I’m sitting here trying to figure out when it was that I first decided that I wanted to be a Mother one day and for the life of me, I can’t remember. All I can remember is that I was 9 when my sister was born, she was this beautiful little bundle, so tiny and fragile and I just loved her so so much. My mom was a day mother at the time, looking after babies from 3 months – 2 years and I just loved all of them, my friends and I used to play “doll” with them but my sister was always my baby.

My sister had her own room and I moved her cot into my room…I used to line up her bottles for her feeds at night (my mom obviously never breast fed her, not sure why – note to self – ask mom why) and I used to get up for her at night (can you believe it, at 9 I was already a sucker)…I hated leaving her, I used to cuddle her when she slept and looking back, I was in heaven. I’m not sure if it was then or before that I decided I wanted my own baby one day I can just remember how right it felt to take care of her and love her…she’s all grown up now and still I can’t stand the thought of anyone hurting her, I still love her dearly, can’t imagine how it must feel to have your own…

I also remember when my mom had a miscarriage before my sister, she was so sad and that I could not understand…I wish I had.

One thing I do remember was that I have always known that having a child of my own would not come easily, I somehow just knew. Frank often asks why I thought this, was it because out of 5 children on my Dad’s side of the family (my Dad’s sister and my Dad’s brother)…two were infertile…I don’t know. When Frank and I started dating, I told him that I wanted children one day and if he didn’t feel the same way then I would show him where the door was, of-course he said (as men do) that he didn’t want children right now, but he could see them in his future.

I couldn’t wait to go off the pill, in fact I thought I was pregnant just after Frank and I got engaged, I was on the pill but I was late, this was never a problem for me – back then being on the pill made my cycles like clockwork. I told Frank that I thought that something was up and he freaked, he wasn’t ready for this and how could this happen?? So we waited and eventually I took a pregnancy test (of-course it was negative), it was then that the longing inside me became worse. When I told Frank that it was negative, he was so upset and I couldn’t believe it and he said that he had actually started thinking that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing…my heart was broken.

When we got married, I begged Frank to stop taking the pill, I said that we’d just give it some time for everything to get out of my system and start trying in about 6 months – yeah right, you all know that story. When it didn’t happen the first month, I thought it was because the pill wasn’t out my system yet but at the back of my mind a little voice was whispering "this isn’t going to be as easy as you think"….and it wasn’t and still isn’t and I knew, like I have always known.

Bumble and I used to work at the same company before she moved to Oz, back then I used to chat to her and ask her how things were going, what she was doing etc, never did I think that I too would travel that road, it’s ironic really, seeing as I’m sitting in her very chair as I type this…Like I said, I always knew that this would be hard, but never did I think that it would be this hard…my little friend bumble, my twin soul…I wish that I could have been there more and understood more about what you were going through, I never knew that this could consume you this much…I’m rambling, I can’t wait to start my next cycle and can’t stand to put it off another month…yes, very consuming!