Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Are we there yet?

As of this morning AF is still playing silly buggers with me, it’s weird really because I haven’t had a cycle longer than 27 days for the last six months (except when progesterone was involved). Like I said in my previous post, there is no chance that I am pregnant this month at all, Frank and I decided to take a real break for a change so that there was no stressing in the 2ww so we never went near each other any where around O. I think that I just O’d a bit later than normal which is also strange but there you go, just another reminder that no matter what I do, I cannot control my body.

I forgot to tell you all about my dream I had the other night, it was terrible ~ I dreamt that Frank and I had tried everything to fall pregnant, absolutely everything and nothing worked. In my dream we were sitting in an office ~ Frank, myself and my cousin Emm (not sure why she was there, maybe to hold my hand) ~ I was sitting there crying, we were talking to a lady about adopting and she was telling us that they had a little girl for me and all I could do was cry, I couldn’t believe that we had got to this road. I didn’t want to adopt, this is not what I want…I want my own baby, I need to keep on trying….Frank is telling me that this is the only way, I will never have a child of my own and then I woke up.

I can’t explain to you how this felt, I was devastated, absolutely crushed. Frank and I have discussed adopting and we have both said that the reason we want a baby is because we want something that is part of both of us and therefore have decided that we would probably never got the adoption, egg share or sperm donation route. I know that that is a big statement to make, I am very aware of what people may say but it is our choice, I am not against adoption or any of these things for anyone but it just isn’t for us.

I think that my dream could mean a lot of things..

  • I’m scared of not ever getting this right and never being a mother
  • I’m scared of Frank giving up before I do, which I doubt but men are different sometimes…
  • I’m scared that I will never be complete if I can’t have my own child
  • I am scared of starting treatment again, I’m not sure how much more disappointment we can take….

I think that I have a lot on my mind right now, we are never really able to totally cut it out, starting treatment again is a big thing for me and it brings all my fears back with it….but it’s just a dream and it means nothing. I need to have hope, this is going to work for us…eventually, I am not naïve enough to think that we are at the end of our journey, I just pray that the end is near….are we almost there yet?? I hope so.


Sticky Bun said...

Wow--that sounds like a really intense dream. I really believe that dreams are a way to help us work through things that are on our minds, not premonitions of things to come. It sounds like your tired mind is bearing a lot of fears and anxieties this round. Hang in there! And, I hope when AF does come you feel a sense of renewal. There is much to hope for this cycle! :-)

Sarah said...

you're right, you're dream doesn't mean anything about what the future will bring. it's just your mind working out how it feels about all these really dee complex issues. and absolutely it is your choice to make, you can only do what feels right. good luck with AF, hope she gets here soon. new cycle, new beginning.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Yikes--scary dream--it can seem like a close reality sometimes as we all go through this merry go round--I am sorry you had such a toughie--but I dont believe it true for you!
Best of luck with FRESH cycle time!

Bumble said...

Oooh that was a hum-dinger Tambo. I'm not surprised it left you feeling like that, but I do agree, they are there to work through your feelings/worries on a subject, not a premonition. But its still a scary thought isn't it? I hope it will never come to that, I hope this next IUI works, I hope you're popping out a bub at Christmas time x

Mands said...

Dreams like that can seem frighteningly real.
I am also scared of the Hoff giving up before me. I don't think they sense the quiet hysteria bubbling beneath the surface. The fact that Frank is keen to soldier on with IUI is a good sign that he is still on board. I hope you get to start IUI soon so that you can feel a little more relaxed about it.
As for the whole donor/adoption thing, it goes without saying, this is highly personal, and different for everyone. Whatever you decide together should be respected as the right decision for you.