Sunday, March 11, 2007

Stronger than before...

Frank and I are having “issues” re IF…Now I think that it’s pretty normal to start losing your sense of humour here, it came as a surprise to me that he thinks all this life consists of is….

Wait for it…..

Jerking off in a bottle….

Now that’s a nice one Darling!

Let me also tell you that there was alcohol was also involved in this revelation, and the timing was not good. Like I said in my previous post, we are tired…tired of everything…including IF even tho we taking a break – you all know what it’s like….most the time we faking a break…because all the anxiety is still there, IF never goes away, friggin’ hell…it just never leaves you in peace…and that’s all we want…just a little bit of peace.

I have already started worrying about my next cycle and maybe the tension involved in this is my fault…because I can’t just leave well enough alone, Frank thinks we taking a break…and we are, but I don’t want any loose ends and I like to plan, it keeps me going you see.

Anyway, I have worked out that our next IUI will fall on the the 6th and 7th of April (hopefully not later but a day or two sooner would be most welcomed) and you see, we have a wedding on the 7th - not just any wedding, the wedding of one of Frank's best friends, in fact he is his best man....and so Frank met Marco for drinks and came home just a little sozzled, I asked what was happening on the day etc and Frank said that Marco wanted him to stay over on the Friday night...I said...oh dear, this may be a problem and he asked why (nevermind the fact that I had already raised this issue with him to which he replied that we were taking a break and he didn't want to think about it right now...mmmmn) and I said that our IUI would probably fall on the Friday and Saturday so I might....need him more than Marco that morning but that it wouldn't take that long and seeing as tho the wedding is only at 3, he'd have plenty of time to be with Marco....and then I got the whole schpeel about life being so hard and the frustration of this happening to us and why and....i'm sure you guys need not hear know the drill (the same questions we have asked many times).

So instead of trying to understand how he feels, i go off and tell him that if he doesn't want to do this anymore than he should just tell me. We end it there.

The next morning (Fri) he pretends nothing has happened (like men do) until he gets to the office and walks into my office....he sees i'm not fine. Eventually he comes back and tells me that he is sorry and that he is just tired and he didn't mean what he said (alchohol and all) and that he still wants to do this it's just that he's sick of everything revolving around IF - I am too but what can you do? I tell him that this is not set in stone, anything can happen and that the dates for the IUI can change depending on this cycle but that my cycles have been so steady and this is most likely when it will happen and that I just want him to be prepared, I want him to tell me if he wants to wait another month if this is going to be an issue...just a heads up if you will.

He tells me that he's sick of waiting too and that we will go ahead with the IUI next month and we'll take it as it comes....everything is sorted and I do feel much better. I hate what this does, will anything ever be normal again?

Yet another life change that IF many ways IF has brought us closer than ever, I love Frank dearly and can't wait to see him holding our baby....I don't always love how IF affects us...but it's not all bad, we'll get through this even stronger than before.


Sarah said...

i went through the same thing. it was after we'd been trying about 2 years or so. we did five IUI cycles over a year (including tests and cancelled cycles) and it was the hardest year in our marriage. we were still totally in love and at times i felt like IF was bonding us, but the stress was also driving us apart.

i think we were just in different places. most husbands are not capable of spending as much time thinking about this (or anything they can't "fix") as i was. at the same time, i was not capable of thinking about it much less than i did. it's hard to know how to support each other when you're on such different pages, no matter how supportive you want to be.

by the end of that year, it was time to move on to IVF and our marriage was...well it was ok, but it was just hard to feel the happiness anymore. we ended up taking a year off. we set our mind to completely other things (backpacking round the world) which allowed us to take a REAL break because it was a trip we couldn't take with babies (we did not actually go, we planned it for a year and then decided we were ready for IVF). now we are facing IVF with a WAAAAY more solid bond between us.

sorry in advance for the assvice, and i'm not suggesting you do anything that drastic, but so that you never have to, i guess it helps to take time to do fun stuff together that has NOTHING to do with IF, if at all possible. easier said than done! good luck to you!!

(sorry for the super long comment)

Mands said...

Hey there! Sorry for the long absence - they are really keeping me busy down here. IF has taken it's toll on us as well. I think men tend to get very frustrated when they can't fix a particular problem, when there is no solution in sight. It's tough on both sides, and eventually both people just become a little worn out from it.

Baby Blues said...

You face IF head on, together. But in between trying, you have to reconnect. IF could make you or break you. If there's anything good I've learned from dealing with IF, it's that I wouldn't have the strength to go through this without my wonderfully understanding, supportive, loving and generous husband.

Reproductive Jeans said...

Since we are dealing with male factor, I think my dear husband gets frustrated due to his "part" in this whole IF journey, AND because he feels like my body will go through more...and so the feelings can lash out a bit harder sometimes. I am sorry you all had a spat--and that it probably won't be the last--but it truly makes our marriage stronger as we grow in this journey together--I know the same is true for you!

Sticky Bun said...

Thanks for popping onto my blog and for the well wishes!

As for the strain of all of this IF stuff, I definitely hear you. It can be so exhausting and such a strain...on everything. And, I'm with you, taking a break for me would be almost just as hard because my mind would be thinking about what was coming down the pike, too. It's so hard to truly get away from it, when a baby is something you want so desperately.

I hope you're able to take some time for yourself over the next few weeks, and I wish you all the best for your next IUI so that you can move on to the next phase!!

Bumble said...

Hey Tam, I'm glad you and Frank had a chat and you feel beter about it all. I think it must be full moon because Mr. B & I had a sudden unexpected spat over the weekend about this whole thing. I'll mail you the story. But I was in tears because I was so shocked that he could say something like that. I think it gets to them sometimes too and they probably don't know how to handle it except to lash out. By now we've learnt to push it all inside and keep it there. Hugs lassie! I'll be hoping your IUI comes a bit sooner for you this time round! xxx