Wednesday, March 7, 2007

How did we get here...

I am having one of those days…I’m tired. Tired of cleaning, tired of ironing, tired of not being home to do everything and tired of infertility!


Most of the time I am fine, I read lots of blogs and I feel good, I see how many of our friends sailing through IF blogland are getting those BFP’s and I am so happy for them and I do know that I too will be there one day. One day…soon.

I feel like I’m in limbo here, and truly I am…I’m not going in any sort of direction now and I feel a bit lost. Taking a break can be harder than trying….

I used to go onto a IF board and made some lovely friends and IF companions but then we had to start paying monthly to use the board so most of us moved over to another board that we had found. To start off with everything was peachy and I never realized that I was the only one with real infertility…you all know the kind….the one where you wont fall pregnant – given any amount of time…until a little while ago…

I invited my little friend Bumble to join us and it was nice, we had a nice little group and we thought that we were in the same fish bowl, they were falling pregnant and we had no worries at all, one had a problem with miscarriages and the other just took some time to fall pregnant. We went on regardless, started talking about IUI’s and IVF, thought it was strange that we had to explain everything but then maybe I just knew too much in anticipation for my intended travels down these roads….

And then it happened….one of the ladies whose baby was just 6 months old was talking about birth control and what to do next…when all of sudden she posted saying….there’s something I’ve forgotten to tell you guys…at the bottom of the page there was a ticker that said…Oops, I did it again….5wks pregnant….that was it and that was me, I was finished with all this. Bumble and I were like…WTF?? It just felt like such a slap in the face! I mean hello, you are dealing with real infertiles here…oops I did it again, give me a friggin’ break! Am I being too sensitive here, should I look at this differently?

This was also just after my failed insemination and I was feeling a bit fragile and thinking about taking a break and going for councelling and then this…So, I told them that I needed to just take a break….from everything and I haven’t been back since. It’s just that it’s a different feeling all together when a fellow IF finally get’s it right, we understand how they feel, they understand us…we don’t have to pretend to understand, we do….most times more than we want to….we feel their pain. I just got tired of being the only one (with Bumble of-course) that was left in this fish bowl, looking out and wondering what it would be like to be out there with all the rest.

I hate this, I hate being such a bitch, I used to be the girl who was happy for everyone that was pregnant, IF or not. This is the part of IF that I don’t like, this is the change that I battle with. I AM happy for everyone, I just want people to understand why I feel this way, it’s not because I like being bitchy, I am sensitive to these things now, I get sad seeing all these preggo bellies and baby showers and birth announcements…I feel like I constantly have to explain myself….I just want people to understand that this is not me, this is not who I used to be and most of the time not who I want to be.

I want to go back there but I can’t…I almost feel betrayed…can you believe it…I do believe that I am starting to loose my mind!!!

On a lighter note, Greg is doing much much better and will hopefully be coming home soon’ish. We looking after the kids again tonight which is fun, little Ryan is just the cutest little thing you have ever seen…I think I’ll have a cuddle with him tonight….

Sorry guys, I’m not always so grumpy….


Bumble said...

Nope, you're definitely NOT losing your mind Tam. Its so hard to see everyone move on so easily and leave us behind all the time. The "Oops" thing really killed me too, thats why I'm also not there anymore. So damn insensitive when talking to your friends who you KNOW are IF. Sometimes I lurk though and they're there asking me for the 20th time to explain the IVF process to them. Well I did it once. If you don't care enough to listen then a big fuck you to you. I'm happy for their babies but its too hard to rave about the tum-pics etc and the tickers all the time. I can't do it anymore and they'd understand if they had any sympathy. I'm also happy you started your blog, I hope it makes you feel better to have your OWN space to vent it all out and talk about it with people who really DO care. lotsa luv me xxx

Mands said...

Hi Tam! Sorry you are feeling so down. Some people are just clueless. And Cape Town is a drag in - the sense that there are all these really gorgeous young woman around here and they mostly are all PG!!! I mean, really. Bumble is right tho, it's nice to just let off a little steam every now and again and have people around that truly understand. Even PG's around here are a lot more sensitive to our feelings. (Hopeful Mother etc.) Missing you chick!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Sorry you are feeling a little blue..we all have our days! And babies are popping up all around us here--so its natural to feel "left behind" We all understand here in your support group, and you can vent anytime you want!

Sarah said...

hey, thanks for your comment on my blog.

i've been posting too about someone (also newly pg) on the boards i use who drives me nuts. everyone keeps telling me to quit visiting the boards, but i feel some silly allegiance to a couple of women there who have been really supportive of me. i think that for the most part, 90% of the women posting on the boards are just in a different place than most of us in blogland are. it's not bad or good, it just is what it is.

and no one in blogland has ever made me feel left behind, even if they got their BFP or had their child. i think mainly because they have struggled much harder to get to the point where they started a blog?

thanks again for youre wishes for my transfer. i'm looking forward to checking back in with you!