Thursday, March 15, 2007

Rambles...


I’m sitting here trying to figure out when it was that I first decided that I wanted to be a Mother one day and for the life of me, I can’t remember. All I can remember is that I was 9 when my sister was born, she was this beautiful little bundle, so tiny and fragile and I just loved her so so much. My mom was a day mother at the time, looking after babies from 3 months – 2 years and I just loved all of them, my friends and I used to play “doll” with them but my sister was always my baby.

My sister had her own room and I moved her cot into my room…I used to line up her bottles for her feeds at night (my mom obviously never breast fed her, not sure why – note to self – ask mom why) and I used to get up for her at night (can you believe it, at 9 I was already a sucker)…I hated leaving her, I used to cuddle her when she slept and looking back, I was in heaven. I’m not sure if it was then or before that I decided I wanted my own baby one day I can just remember how right it felt to take care of her and love her…she’s all grown up now and still I can’t stand the thought of anyone hurting her, I still love her dearly, can’t imagine how it must feel to have your own…

I also remember when my mom had a miscarriage before my sister, she was so sad and that I could not understand…I wish I had.

One thing I do remember was that I have always known that having a child of my own would not come easily, I somehow just knew. Frank often asks why I thought this, was it because out of 5 children on my Dad’s side of the family (my Dad’s sister and my Dad’s brother)…two were infertile…I don’t know. When Frank and I started dating, I told him that I wanted children one day and if he didn’t feel the same way then I would show him where the door was, of-course he said (as men do) that he didn’t want children right now, but he could see them in his future.

I couldn’t wait to go off the pill, in fact I thought I was pregnant just after Frank and I got engaged, I was on the pill but I was late, this was never a problem for me – back then being on the pill made my cycles like clockwork. I told Frank that I thought that something was up and he freaked, he wasn’t ready for this and how could this happen?? So we waited and eventually I took a pregnancy test (of-course it was negative), it was then that the longing inside me became worse. When I told Frank that it was negative, he was so upset and I couldn’t believe it and he said that he had actually started thinking that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing…my heart was broken.

When we got married, I begged Frank to stop taking the pill, I said that we’d just give it some time for everything to get out of my system and start trying in about 6 months – yeah right, you all know that story. When it didn’t happen the first month, I thought it was because the pill wasn’t out my system yet but at the back of my mind a little voice was whispering "this isn’t going to be as easy as you think"….and it wasn’t and still isn’t and I knew, like I have always known.

Bumble and I used to work at the same company before she moved to Oz, back then I used to chat to her and ask her how things were going, what she was doing etc, never did I think that I too would travel that road, it’s ironic really, seeing as I’m sitting in her very chair as I type this…Like I said, I always knew that this would be hard, but never did I think that it would be this hard…my little friend bumble, my twin soul…I wish that I could have been there more and understood more about what you were going through, I never knew that this could consume you this much…I’m rambling, I can’t wait to start my next cycle and can’t stand to put it off another month…yes, very consuming!

11 comments:

Reproductive Jeans said...

I cant believe I am saying this-(no jinxing!) but there was a period I went through where I wasnt sure I wanted to be a mom--I am the oldest of three, and I love my brother and sister--I just had to babysit a lot, and I wanted a break! Uggg, payback!
I still doubt myself sometimes if I will be a good mom, since I get annoyed by loud children running around the mall...but I know in my heart of hearts that I want to cuddle my baby, and watch s/he grow to be a fantastic person...*sigh.
Thanks for the post=)

Bumble said...

Aw Tam that was a beautiful post my friend. You got me in a teary mess. I'm sorry you are travelling down this road too and I also wish I was there to help you, but even so far away from each other, you have really touched my soul too. I know that whatever happens, we'll be friends for ever and yes, our little ones will know how much we wanted them. Hugs lassie xxxxx

Mands said...

I never knew that I would struggle. Every one in my family are baby-making machines.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this as well, but feel very fortunate to have "met" you.
I am also looking forward to your next cycle, I will be there every step of the way.

Sticky Bun said...

Your post was definitely not rambling--on the contrary, very heartfelt. I wish none of us had to go through any of this (and we could be like those blissfully unawares super-fertile friends of ours). But, since we do have to go through it, I'm so grateful to have found folks who can sincerely relate!

Wishing you the best in your next cycle!! :-)

Baby Blues said...

I hear you Tam. I've always wanted to be a mom. I love kids. As a child, my "happy ever after" consisted of getting married and having kids someday. I got the first one covered by marrying Mr. Kite. I couldn't be any happier. But I agree with the longing inside us. It breaks my heart.

It's tough but just keep in mind that you're not alone. I feel the longing too. We have each other and this community of strong determined women, to keep us company and cheer us on.

So hang on tight! It's going to be bumpy ride but we'll get through it.

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