I'm cycling chickens!!

Thank you all soo much for your supportive comments, I really love you guys.

As for the old hag, I was not surprised to find her waiting for me when I got up this morning, afterall it had been 24hrs since I bought the HPT!! It turns out she had just lost her way, got a bit delayed somewhere else, was trying to explain all this to me but I just told her to sush now, now that's she's here, let's just be friends and move on with my IUI...

On a more serious note, I am glad that AF is here now, still concerned about her delay but the good news is that I go for my CD2 scan tomorrow so I can speak to them and they'll check that everything is okay "down there"...I did not pee on the stick....woo hoo, now don't anyone ever tell me I don't have will power (hehehe, yeah...it's will power, i'm not really a woes!!)

Everything has worked out perfectly as now my IUI wont fall on the weekend of the wedding, I will probably need some scans over that weekend but that we can handle. So girls, if all goes well tomorrow then i'll start femara and start gearing up for my next (hopefully successfull) IUI!! Watch this space chicks, here goes!!

I did meet with Mands today and must tell you all that she is very sweet and kind, we are going to make a plan to see eachother again and hopefully let this grow into a beautifull friendship, it's nice to chat to someone who really gets you, now I have a paddling partner right here!! We didn't take pics, I only thought about it afterwards but will be sure to do that next time!! Thanks again for today Mands :)

My grubby little paws...

I’m sitting at my desk at work and in my grubby little paws, I have an H.P.T!! I have an H.P.T in my hands because as of today I am on CD31 which makes me about 4 days over my normal cycle range. This is totally impossible and it scares me to think that there may even be a chance or maybe it the fact that I think there may be a chance that scares me…As I sit here, one half of me is trying to convince myself to go and pee on it and then the other half of me is trying to talk me out of it, because…sadly, I have done this before and I have never ever seen two lines…

I wish that someone could just tell me what the hell is going on, I don’t have these problems, I am quite “normal” when it comes to my cycles, I have an LP of 13 or 14 days - religiously, I haven’t O’d later than CD13 in the last 8 months, so that would mean that I am now 18dpo and then if you take it that by chance I O’d later than normal, let’s say CD15 then that still makes me 16dpo – we are taking a break, I have a progesterone deficiency and I am not on progesterone this month which would delay AF…maybe I’m reading too much into this and I should just wait it out….maybe I just O’d really late, the cramps and bloating that were here on CD28 have disappeared and left me absolutely nothing to work with, I feel very very “normal”….

But I have an H.P.T in my grubby little paws….

I’ll keep you all updated….for now, I need some coffee! Bumble I wish you were here to hold my hand ;o)

Are we there yet?

As of this morning AF is still playing silly buggers with me, it’s weird really because I haven’t had a cycle longer than 27 days for the last six months (except when progesterone was involved). Like I said in my previous post, there is no chance that I am pregnant this month at all, Frank and I decided to take a real break for a change so that there was no stressing in the 2ww so we never went near each other any where around O. I think that I just O’d a bit later than normal which is also strange but there you go, just another reminder that no matter what I do, I cannot control my body.

I forgot to tell you all about my dream I had the other night, it was terrible ~ I dreamt that Frank and I had tried everything to fall pregnant, absolutely everything and nothing worked. In my dream we were sitting in an office ~ Frank, myself and my cousin Emm (not sure why she was there, maybe to hold my hand) ~ I was sitting there crying, we were talking to a lady about adopting and she was telling us that they had a little girl for me and all I could do was cry, I couldn’t believe that we had got to this road. I didn’t want to adopt, this is not what I want…I want my own baby, I need to keep on trying….Frank is telling me that this is the only way, I will never have a child of my own and then I woke up.

I can’t explain to you how this felt, I was devastated, absolutely crushed. Frank and I have discussed adopting and we have both said that the reason we want a baby is because we want something that is part of both of us and therefore have decided that we would probably never got the adoption, egg share or sperm donation route. I know that that is a big statement to make, I am very aware of what people may say but it is our choice, I am not against adoption or any of these things for anyone but it just isn’t for us.

I think that my dream could mean a lot of things..

• I’m scared of not ever getting this right and never being a mother
• I’m scared of Frank giving up before I do, which I doubt but men are different sometimes…
• I’m scared that I will never be complete if I can’t have my own child
• I am scared of starting treatment again, I’m not sure how much more disappointment we can take….

I think that I have a lot on my mind right now, we are never really able to totally cut it out, starting treatment again is a big thing for me and it brings all my fears back with it….but it’s just a dream and it means nothing. I need to have hope, this is going to work for us…eventually, I am not naïve enough to think that we are at the end of our journey, I just pray that the end is near….are we almost there yet?? I hope so.

Ever hopefull...

I was watching the TV programme ER last night and it was weird, one of those shows that just speaks volumes to my present state of mind…..lots of baby stuff etc and I have to laugh at how cynical I have become…there was one part – a teenage girl fell pregnant due to rape at a party, she was 15 and of-course didn’t want to keep it but her parents said that she had to because it didn’t matter how it was conceived as it was god’s will!! Don’t get me wrong here, but my ass!! I somehow battle to believe that these days, especially when people tell me that and of-course my favourite…everything happens for a reason, you want to tell me that there is a reason for all this pain? Then there was a lady lying on a stretcher and her gynea was saying that she was going to remove her one ovary but that she would still be able to have children one day - I’m sitting there thinking…yeah right, that all depends on whether the one they leave in works okay and is not broken like mine…and then one of the Dr’s fell pregnant by accident and couldn’t decide what to do – whether to abort or not…in the end she kept it….I sat there thinking how strange life is and wondering what the hell is going on out there, why are we given these decisions to make?

It made me think of way back when, you know when we first started trying, the days I used to sit and day dream about how I would tell Frank that I was pregnant, how I’d tell my family and friends and how exciting it would be to go out shopping and buy maternity clothes and do the babies room, what it would look like…would it have my nose and Frank’s eyes….and what we would call it ~ and I realize just how much IF has changed me, I am a bit bitter I suppose. I like to think that deep down inside I do believe, that not that much has changed and my former self is still there, the ever hopefull…just waiting to come back out again once my baby is here. I get scared that that part of me is lost forever, the part of me that would have watched a programme like that and not have thought twice about any of it, it would have touched my heart but it would not make me sad…

Like Bumble, after doing this so long, I think that I am indeed scared of actually reaching the end of this road, I have often said to Frank that I feel that IF is all that keeps me going sometimes, my purpose in life and that is sad and really not true, I have a lot to be thankfull for, the stuff I take for granted. There is more to me than infertility.

Everytime I do another treatment cycle I go through the motions, at first i’m ever hopefull that it’s going to work, then I’m sure and not so sure at the same time and in the end you’ll always find me saying that this just couldn’t be it – it would just be too easy…ha!! It’s my dear mother in law that always reminds me that it wouldn’t be too easy and that this road that we have traveled so far has been anything but easy…it’s been damn hard and we deserve to get it right. It’s then that I realize that my former self is still in there somewhere, the person that would fight until the end and always, always believe that I would succeed and it would have been worth it….I’m still in there girls even if I am a bit jaded :)

CD 28 and AF is still MIA, she’s playing games with me but it’s okay for now…if I didn’t know that there was no chance of conception this month then I’d be singing a very different tune right now….so for now, we wait and try and find our fomer selves…

Here's to baby making!!!

Still no sign of AF, to be honest it's okay...now that she didn't come early...I'm actually hoping that she'll be a bit late (we are never happy now, are we??) You see, I think that I have decided that I am going to try and do anything to make this next cycle, we'll go in for our CD2 scan and we'll meet with the nurses and discuss what we may be able to do, I think what they'll do is just trigger me a bit later, they would normally trigger me when follies reach 18mm and now they'll trigger when they are a bit bigger....which I suppose is better than earlier.

I am actully quite excited now and really really can't wait to get back on that horse!! (Ahem, so to speak) I have even worked out that I will still be able to have my baby/babies (which would be really nice) in this year if I get that BFP next month...last chance ~ so needless to say, I'm going to have a long chat with the fertility gods once again!!

It's been a quite a week-end once again...I am recovering with a hangover...yes, again...I think in the start I said that this was a bit like an AA meeting...hehehe. No really, I don't have a drinking problem, although my husband is fondly refering to me as PCP (piss-cat peanut). But like I was saying to Frank just this morning, it's been nice to take a break in some ways because for months I was too scared to lift anything harmfull to my lips - you know just in case...and I've needed this, i've needed to just let my hair down and be irresponsible for a while. But as from today, i'm climbing back on that wagon...no more of this, it's time for serious business once again!! Here's to baby making!!!

The calm before the storm...

No, I haven’t forgotten about my dear friends in blogland, it’s been quite a week and there’s been no news really on my side, hopefully only 3 or 4 days from AF and my next IUI cycle ….I have tried everything that I know to bring AF on early but no such luck…she’s a stubborn wench…never here when you need her and always around when you don’t. I’ve had a look and I see that I haven’t had a cycle longer than 28 days in the last 6 months or so, so hopefully nothing has changed. I have however had shorter cycles but that would just be too much to ask for since Murphy that MO-FO is prolly hiding around the corner…

I must agree with Sticky bun…this IF thing is getting a bit old, just a little bit too monotonous for me too, but for my sanity…I have to believe that there will be an end to all this…someday (hopefully in the not too distant future).

Frank and I have both been fine and it does help that I have just left things for now, it’s really pointless trying to plan something you have no control over anyway (says me, the control freak) and so we don’t speak about the IF thing at all. We start again when AF comes as my first scan and Fem.ara refill falls on CD2.

It’s been a busy funny kind of week, I have a real limbo feeling about me, I feel a bit off but nothing I can really put my finger on…maybe I’m just a bit anxious or is it the calm before the storm??

So many ladies are in their 2ww, I’m really praying that they all turn into two lovely pink lines…Mands, Anns and BB really praying hard for you guys, Sticky Bun – don’t give up hope until the fat lady signs and as for reproductive jeans – good luck with your IUI this month!! And finally yay yay yay for the all clear for Bumble…good luck with those injections sweetie!!

On another note, Greg is doing much better now and is home, he is still battling with a few things and there is still come swelling on the brain that they are waiting to down. He is on loads of meds now and needs to have someone with him 24hrs a day. The Dr’s say that we will only be able to asses permanent damage after 6 months or so. Thank you all again for all your prayers, things are definitely looking up.

Awww, you guys...

I just want to thank all my little bloggie friends here in blogland, you are all so very sweet and special and I feel blessed to have you all. This IF is friggin hard and that's just putting it midly, people just don't understand and the funny thing is that they don't understand because they are just scared of understanding, they just don't want to know so they treat you wierdly when they find out that you are...wait for it...Oh No, here's that word again....infertile. But you guys, you know my pain, we all have the same pain (just in varying degrees of-course) and that's why it so nice to have you all....so in this round-a-bout way....Thank you!

I was reading one of Tertia's posts today and it's so funny, I think that us IF's all the same brain and the same way of thinking...Frank and I have often discussed this in length, over and over again (as us IF's do)....the power of prayer. Now don't get me wrong...I, like Tertia believe that there is a god and understand the meaning of prayer etc but I do also know that not all prayers are answered...if they were, well, none of us would be here pouring our hearts out about something we just can't come to terms with, something all of us (even when we all have our babies - and trust me this will happen - because....I feel it in my waters!!) will never ever understand having to go through. If it was up to prayer, well then we have many many people praying for all of us, we will all be pregnant soon...because surely some prayers are answered?

This bring me to another subject I just can't understand (oh my goodness, this is getting deep, it was supposed to be just a simple Thank you post) - if our little souls are out there just waiting for the right time or just another way to make it to us...then we are meant to have them....right....well then - why do we need to take the long road, if we are meant to be mother's to these little souls then why put us through this??? I am sure that all of you have asked this same question, if the outcome is pre-determined well then why do we have to wait for the right time and why is "the right time" not now? Who decides when the right time is, why do we have this longing if it's not the right time and for my finale....if we are to carry our children then why make it so hard and give us faulty bodies?

This is getting too much, i'm confusing myself here, I think the final question is why? And that my friends will never be answered.

So, on an end note (now that I have confused you all) - Thank you again, sweeties...

Rambles...

I’m sitting here trying to figure out when it was that I first decided that I wanted to be a Mother one day and for the life of me, I can’t remember. All I can remember is that I was 9 when my sister was born, she was this beautiful little bundle, so tiny and fragile and I just loved her so so much. My mom was a day mother at the time, looking after babies from 3 months – 2 years and I just loved all of them, my friends and I used to play “doll” with them but my sister was always my baby.

My sister had her own room and I moved her cot into my room…I used to line up her bottles for her feeds at night (my mom obviously never breast fed her, not sure why – note to self – ask mom why) and I used to get up for her at night (can you believe it, at 9 I was already a sucker)…I hated leaving her, I used to cuddle her when she slept and looking back, I was in heaven. I’m not sure if it was then or before that I decided I wanted my own baby one day I can just remember how right it felt to take care of her and love her…she’s all grown up now and still I can’t stand the thought of anyone hurting her, I still love her dearly, can’t imagine how it must feel to have your own…

I also remember when my mom had a miscarriage before my sister, she was so sad and that I could not understand…I wish I had.

One thing I do remember was that I have always known that having a child of my own would not come easily, I somehow just knew. Frank often asks why I thought this, was it because out of 5 children on my Dad’s side of the family (my Dad’s sister and my Dad’s brother)…two were infertile…I don’t know. When Frank and I started dating, I told him that I wanted children one day and if he didn’t feel the same way then I would show him where the door was, of-course he said (as men do) that he didn’t want children right now, but he could see them in his future.

I couldn’t wait to go off the pill, in fact I thought I was pregnant just after Frank and I got engaged, I was on the pill but I was late, this was never a problem for me – back then being on the pill made my cycles like clockwork. I told Frank that I thought that something was up and he freaked, he wasn’t ready for this and how could this happen?? So we waited and eventually I took a pregnancy test (of-course it was negative), it was then that the longing inside me became worse. When I told Frank that it was negative, he was so upset and I couldn’t believe it and he said that he had actually started thinking that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing…my heart was broken.

When we got married, I begged Frank to stop taking the pill, I said that we’d just give it some time for everything to get out of my system and start trying in about 6 months – yeah right, you all know that story. When it didn’t happen the first month, I thought it was because the pill wasn’t out my system yet but at the back of my mind a little voice was whispering "this isn’t going to be as easy as you think"….and it wasn’t and still isn’t and I knew, like I have always known.

Bumble and I used to work at the same company before she moved to Oz, back then I used to chat to her and ask her how things were going, what she was doing etc, never did I think that I too would travel that road, it’s ironic really, seeing as I’m sitting in her very chair as I type this…Like I said, I always knew that this would be hard, but never did I think that it would be this hard…my little friend bumble, my twin soul…I wish that I could have been there more and understood more about what you were going through, I never knew that this could consume you this much…I’m rambling, I can’t wait to start my next cycle and can’t stand to put it off another month…yes, very consuming!

Do we ever leave this behind??

Thank you all for your supportive comments, I do feel much better now and I know that this is just part of dealing with IF.

It’s is funny how we feel like everything is worse for us, like Reproductive jeans said…it’s just because it’s our bodies. We have the scans, the pills, the injections…some strange guy staring at our woo woo’s – it just feels more difficult for us because we are the ones actually doing most of the treatment BUT our men are great most of the time aren’t they? You just need to read Bumbles last post to understand that we couldn’t do this without them, they survive the moodiness and bitchiness without making a big scene and sometimes, just sometimes everything gets a bit too much and they have their say, even if it comes out the wrong way.

My Darling Frank: I know that you will cringe when reading my previous post, but I want us to remember how hard this was and everything we went through to get here, it’s been a very long road, a road we never thought we’d have to travel and in truth – a road that maybe to start with we weren’t ready for. I want to say Thank you, Thank you Darling for always, always understanding. For being there at every appointment (I’ve never had to face a dr or “Mr wand” alone), for keeping me going and always trying to see the bright side – that light at the end of the tunnel and for being my rock, the one who wipes my tears and tells me that I can do this. This has changed our marriage and our relationship, it’s changed us and I know that in some ways we’ll never be able to go back, but it has also made us see just how much we can take and how strong we have become. This will be more than worth it in the end, and there will be an end…soon my love, soon we will have the baby that we both long for, part of us - that will bring you so much love and joy, love that you could never imagine. I Love you more than words can say….and I am glad that you are traveling this long road with me!!

On another note…

I’ve been wondering if we ever get over this – being infertile that is….Sara – from Somewhat lower (hope an inspiration post) describes it perfectly. How do we go from infertile to being pregnant and how does this change things? I don’t think that we ever forget this journey, but I do also think that time heals, we will always remember how hard and long this road was but it will be worth it, we will want to forget and just get on with things and be happy – afterall this is what we wanted, but part of us will always be there…how do we ever leave this behind? Do any of you ever wonder?

I did a very stupid thing yesterday, went back to the board to see what was happening with some ladies on the 20-something board only to discover two of them have gotten their BFP's recently (I haven't been back there in months) - this only leaves me now that is still trying - out of like 6 or 7 girls, that made me a little sad but oh well, I still have to believe that in time....I too will be there.....sigh....

While you at it…go over and say hi to Sticky Bun....who has just had another IUI and give her some support…It’s always nice to have some of the good guys on our side!!

Stronger than before...

Frank and I are having “issues” re IF…Now I think that it’s pretty normal to start losing your sense of humour here, it came as a surprise to me that he thinks all this life consists of is….

Wait for it…..

Jerking off in a bottle….

Now that’s a nice one Darling!

Let me also tell you that there was alcohol was also involved in this revelation, and the timing was not good. Like I said in my previous post, we are tired…tired of everything…including IF even tho we taking a break – you all know what it’s like….most the time we faking a break…because all the anxiety is still there, IF never goes away, friggin’ hell…it just never leaves you in peace…and that’s all we want…just a little bit of peace.

I have already started worrying about my next cycle and maybe the tension involved in this is my fault…because I can’t just leave well enough alone, Frank thinks we taking a break…and we are, but I don’t want any loose ends and I like to plan, it keeps me going you see.

Anyway, I have worked out that our next IUI will fall on the the 6th and 7th of April (hopefully not later but a day or two sooner would be most welcomed) and you see, we have a wedding on the 7th - not just any wedding, the wedding of one of Frank's best friends, in fact he is his best man....and so Frank met Marco for drinks and came home just a little sozzled, I asked what was happening on the day etc and Frank said that Marco wanted him to stay over on the Friday night...I said...oh dear, this may be a problem and he asked why (nevermind the fact that I had already raised this issue with him to which he replied that we were taking a break and he didn't want to think about it right now...mmmmn) and I said that our IUI would probably fall on the Friday and Saturday so I might....need him more than Marco that morning but that it wouldn't take that long and seeing as tho the wedding is only at 3, he'd have plenty of time to be with Marco....and then I got the whole schpeel about life being so hard and the frustration of this happening to us and why and....i'm sure you guys need not hear anymore...you know the drill (the same questions we have asked many times).

So instead of trying to understand how he feels, i go off and tell him that if he doesn't want to do this anymore than he should just tell me. We end it there.

The next morning (Fri) he pretends nothing has happened (like men do) until he gets to the office and walks into my office....he sees i'm not fine. Eventually he comes back and tells me that he is sorry and that he is just tired and he didn't mean what he said (alchohol and all) and that he still wants to do this it's just that he's sick of everything revolving around IF - I am too but what can you do? I tell him that this is not set in stone, anything can happen and that the dates for the IUI can change depending on this cycle but that my cycles have been so steady and this is most likely when it will happen and that I just want him to be prepared, I want him to tell me if he wants to wait another month if this is going to be an issue...just a heads up if you will.

He tells me that he's sick of waiting too and that we will go ahead with the IUI next month and we'll take it as it comes....everything is sorted and I do feel much better. I hate what this does, will anything ever be normal again?

Yet another life change that IF brings....in many ways IF has brought us closer than ever, I love Frank dearly and can't wait to see him holding our baby....I don't always love how IF affects us...but it's not all bad, we'll get through this even stronger than before.

How did we get here...

I am having one of those days…I’m tired. Tired of cleaning, tired of ironing, tired of not being home to do everything and tired of infertility!

I AM TIRED!

Most of the time I am fine, I read lots of blogs and I feel good, I see how many of our friends sailing through IF blogland are getting those BFP’s and I am so happy for them and I do know that I too will be there one day. One day…soon.

I feel like I’m in limbo here, and truly I am…I’m not going in any sort of direction now and I feel a bit lost. Taking a break can be harder than trying….

I used to go onto a IF board and made some lovely friends and IF companions but then we had to start paying monthly to use the board so most of us moved over to another board that we had found. To start off with everything was peachy and I never realized that I was the only one with real infertility…you all know the kind….the one where you wont fall pregnant – given any amount of time…until a little while ago…

I invited my little friend Bumble to join us and it was nice, we had a nice little group and we thought that we were in the same fish bowl, they were falling pregnant and we had no worries at all, one had a problem with miscarriages and the other just took some time to fall pregnant. We went on regardless, started talking about IUI’s and IVF, thought it was strange that we had to explain everything but then maybe I just knew too much in anticipation for my intended travels down these roads….

And then it happened….one of the ladies whose baby was just 6 months old was talking about birth control and what to do next…when all of sudden she posted saying….there’s something I’ve forgotten to tell you guys…at the bottom of the page there was a ticker that said…Oops, I did it again….5wks pregnant….that was it and that was me, I was finished with all this. Bumble and I were like…WTF?? It just felt like such a slap in the face! I mean hello, you are dealing with real infertiles here…oops I did it again, give me a friggin’ break! Am I being too sensitive here, should I look at this differently?

This was also just after my failed insemination and I was feeling a bit fragile and thinking about taking a break and going for councelling and then this…So, I told them that I needed to just take a break….from everything and I haven’t been back since. It’s just that it’s a different feeling all together when a fellow IF finally get’s it right, we understand how they feel, they understand us…we don’t have to pretend to understand, we do….most times more than we want to….we feel their pain. I just got tired of being the only one (with Bumble of-course) that was left in this fish bowl, looking out and wondering what it would be like to be out there with all the rest.

I hate this, I hate being such a bitch, I used to be the girl who was happy for everyone that was pregnant, IF or not. This is the part of IF that I don’t like, this is the change that I battle with. I AM happy for everyone, I just want people to understand why I feel this way, it’s not because I like being bitchy, I am sensitive to these things now, I get sad seeing all these preggo bellies and baby showers and birth announcements…I feel like I constantly have to explain myself….I just want people to understand that this is not me, this is not who I used to be and most of the time not who I want to be.

I want to go back there but I can’t…I almost feel betrayed…can you believe it…I do believe that I am starting to loose my mind!!!

On a lighter note, Greg is doing much much better and will hopefully be coming home soon’ish. We looking after the kids again tonight which is fun, little Ryan is just the cutest little thing you have ever seen…I think I’ll have a cuddle with him tonight….

Sorry guys, I’m not always so grumpy….

21 days and counting....

I am feeling somewhat better, Aunt flo has packed her bags and buggered off for another 21 days or so...my hormones are finally starting to settle and my husband is thanking his lucky stars and eagerly awaiting his nice wife's arrival back home...

Life has been busy, what with Greg still being in Hospital and us helping with the kids...oh and to add to my frustrations....my domestic (cleaner) has resigned with immediate affect as she had found another job working on a till...who could blame her, I would hate to clean someone else's house all day BUT this leaves me in a bit of a jam, seeing that we are hardly at home lately...the house stays clean but there is the little problem of ironing - which I hate doing!! So on top of everything we are now looking for a new domestic!! Oh well, what is it they say about the rain...

It was our 2yr anniversary yesterday, whew has that gone quickly...it really doesn't feel like we've been married that long, it feels like just yesterday I was walking down the isle with tears in my eyes (tears of complete and utter joy). I woke up yesterday morning and all I could think was...two years and i'm still not pregnant...now how sad is that, many many people wouldn't even be thinking of having babies after two years of marriage. But I am lucky, my husband understands and he feels the same way but I am just so sick of thinking about everything that way...it just always come's down to the same thing. My IF Dr, which I love dearly, tells me that infertility should fit into my life and not my life into it....and I'm very afraid to say that this is clearly not the case...oh well. We had a nice day and I am happy to say that I am even more in love with my husband than the day I married him!

We also had Dinner on Sat with friends of ours, she is 18wks pregnant now and looking really sweet, they also had some problems but went to the same clinic that we are at and luckily feel pregnant in their first cycle with the help of femara, she had PCOS. It does make me sad to see them and know that our situation is much more difficult to fix but I am also happy for them and can't wait for the birth of their baby in August.

On a sadder more frustrating note, one of the headline news stories this morning was about teenage pregnancy....almost 2400 teenagers dropped out of school due to pregnancy in 2006 in Gauteng alone (now,Gauteng is not such a big place) i'm sorry but no matter how I try, I just cannot understand this....it's makes me so mad!!

Greg is recovering very well, they have moved him to High care now, but he will still be hospital for another 2-3 weeks. They are doing another brain scan today to see if the bleeding and swelling is getting better, he is awake a lot and talking too, altho he does not always make sense and mixes his words up a bit...this is all normal for this kind of brain injury. Only time will tell how much better he is going to get and whether there will be permanent damage or not...thank you all for all your prayers....will keep you updated.

I am counting the days until our next IUI....

Oh yay....sigh

Friggin' hormones, I hate the friggin' things, they have this ability to turn me into a bumbling fool! I am feeling particularly teafull today, god know's why so i'm blaming those damn hormones and that silly cow Aunt Flo! Boy is she giving me a run for my money...

I feel sad for a girl here at work aswell (for you Bumble - Zanne) she has also been on a long road fertility wise and been to different dr's and given different opinions. She has finally found a new guy and he did her lapscope yesterday, she let me know this morning that they have removed endometriosis and everything else seems fine, now they have to test her hubby. I'm just sad for them cos I know how hard this is and how long a road they may have ahead of them, I was hoping that they'd say that she was fine and just have something easier to control/fix...does any of this make sense....I don't want people to have to do this and feel how we feel...there is just so much of it....

Also, a friend of mine at work (which just happens to be 24 weeks pregnant with her second child after having sex once and the day after O - but let's NOT GO THERE!!) has just told me that a friend of her's (again - for you Bumble - Renalda) is 5 weeks pregnant with her second one aswell...she gives me this schpeel about how she know's exactly when she conceived as they hardly have sex, they had sex once and of-course she knew she was ovulating....oh how nice.....sigh. And so, as life has it - I am happy for yet another fertile person and my heart is breaking for me...and every other infertile out there. I think to myself "be rational, WTF are you crying about, you aren't even trying...." but my heart you see, she opened the door ever so slightly and let just a little bit of hope in, and then hope...well, she affected my thoughts, and then I thought...that maybe, just maybe, it could happen when we were "taking a break"....oh the joys.

I'm back in that lonely place they call infertilty, friggin' sitting here wondering what the fuck went wrong....how the fuck did we get here....fuck, fuck, fuck I tell you!

Just excuse me...Tomorrow will be better, I will still be infertile, but I will be better....