Friday, May 4, 2007

Humph - Peanut Grumbles :(

I can’t really begin to explain the way I feel about things lately, I’ve been okay really, just really quiet and wanting to be alone with my thoughts and even my thoughts don’t really know why. It’s not like I really have much to think about, I’ve made all the decisions I need to make for now and so, life should just go on as normal….and it is, which feels strange. It’s quite amazing how we expect IVF to be a whole lot different (well I did anyway). Granted I’m not in the “throws” of IVF yet, this is the easy part I suppose, nothing to control for a there's my problem *sigh*

I’m really feeling pretty normal, BCP doesn’t really have an effect on me at all, in fact…when I went off BCP the only difference was that I started gaining weight and haven’t been able to lose it all…..I’ve started Weigh less now so am starting to loose weight slowly….(excuse me while my mind wonders to all the corners of my brain)

I am however feeling very tearfull*, I’m really not sure why, don’t know if it’s the hormones from BCP or if it’s the fact that I’m just really sad about a lot of stuff ~ having to do IVF at all, the failure of my last IUI and the fact that so many people feel sorry for me and don’t stop telling me that. I’ve had it damn it, I wish they would just all leave me alone and go on with their lives, everyone keeps asking me how I am, I AM FINE, NOW FUCK OFF!!! Frank says that I am being way too sensitive and that people just care, now I have an answer to that too ~ I have loads of patience with people that care about me, the ones that REALLY CARE (fellow infertiles etc.) and to those I will bear my soul, I will tell them that I’m not so sure as I sound, that yes, this is so fucking difficult and unfair but that I will be okay ~ and then there’s the rest, the rest of them that have heard through the grapevine that “oh dear, poor Tam and Frank – you know, they need help having a baby” and the others that love to gossip and run off and tell everyone and the ones that just love sticking there nose in your business because “you know, I knew someone once…yada fucking yada”

* I sound angry, I sound bitter - Am I? Oh fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck and fuck again.

No really, I will be fine, I know deep down that we are making the right choice, of-course we are and really, what is the point in waiting when I know that’s the road we gonna take and we sure as hell weren’t trying IUI again (even tho there is proof that they work – hey Bumble). It’s just that I thought that I had made peace with having to do IVF and a small part of me has, I’m just so pissed that we have to do it at all…for a change I just want to be like the rest of the people in the world – you all know them well – the ignorant ones that fall pregnant with just one look from their husbands!!! Fucking woo hoo bitch!

I am on CD8 today, so only really only 5 days into BCP which means I really still have a while to go until the real stuff happens, like before…I am sure that by that time I will be better and I will be ready and I will be hopefull. Apparently I start Lu.crin on the 16th May, by then I will be CD20 of my cycle and with only 3 days to go on BCP, not sure yet how long I stay on Lu.crin for and when AF actually comes but that we find out on Tuesday afternoon, along with the rest - estimated dates, other drugs and bloods and most importantly how much this is all gonna cost.

I start reflexology on Saturday and will be going weekly until retrieval, I’m pretty much keeping everything else the same (taking EPO, Zinc, Calcium & Magnesium & folic acid)– maybe I’ll cut down of coffee a little (I only have about 2-3 cups a day anyway - is that too much)…and I’ll start doing yoga at home again…any other ideas?

I'm sorry I'm feeling so sorry for myself, someone just tell me to get it together, woo fucking hoo, so what I'm doing IVF - loads before me have had to and they have survived it. Fuckin get a life peanut...I promise my next post will be better - I'll be better and I wont swear so much :)


Sticky Bun said...

Tam, I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. I do know what you mean about having a hard time with IVF. I'm struggling with making the decision right now. And I'm almost certain we'll do it, but I think I'll feel a lot like you're feeling right now even when we do. Judging from our bloggy friends who've been through it, though, you do start to feel better, even optimistic about it. So, I hope once you get into the swing of things, that happens.

And, please don't ever feel bad about venting! I think this post was great--raw and honest. I really appreciated it and really related to it. And, I hope that having a space to share these feelings helps you feel better.

thinking of you!

Becks said...

Hope you feel a bit less teary soon.

If it helps here's what I'm doing -drinking less coffee (just 1 cup a day) drunk very little alcohol (and none while I am stimming). Drinking pineapple juice and whole milk. Keeping to a low fat diet whilst stimming (apparently embies don't like fat...but don't quote me on that!)Baby aspirin daily. Keeping my travelling down at work and tried to relax, even bought a relaxation Spa CD!

Think that's about it - no idea if any of it will work, I should know in about 3 weeks.

Bumble said...

Swear all you want to Tam. This sucks and is the most unfair thing in the world. I know how you feel my friend, you never have to talk if you don't want to but I'm here for you if you do want to okay. Everything will be fine. Its a big thing to go onto IVF - mentally. This WILL work. It will. You'll have actual embies in a month or so! You can finally know that they're in there. Hang in there my dear friend, everything will work out. xxx

Baby Blues said...

Feel how you feel. No need to apologize because we're all there too and we understand. I'd blame it on the hormones, but that's me.

I usually take a glass of red wine before going to bed. Anything to make you feel better helps.

I'm not even thinking of my IVF yet. I've been pushing it at the back of my mind. Because when it does come up, I start feeling sorry for myself again for having to end up doing IVF. So I try to live in the moment.

Hoping you feel cheery soon.

Sarah said...

that all sounds so familiar. you're so right about how the beginning part sucks , when you're kind of just waiting and there's nothing to control. i also got real negative at the beginning, which i think might be part of trying to protect myself emotionally from getting hopes dashed yet again. i don't know, but i think it's very normal, and very good to be able to vent about it.

sorry about the nosy neighbors. tell them to shove a progesterone suppository up their hooha and leave you alone.

ultimatejourney said...

You sound exactly the way I feel. I can't help but swear a lot. I'm just bitter that life has thrown this evil IF hurdle my way. Yeah, I'll get through it, but it sucks and it's unfair, just like you said. You're not alone, and you have every right to be angry and upset.