Thursday, April 26, 2007

A little better....

I'm feeling a little better today, still sad but better.

I cried so much yesterday, I couldn't talk to anyone and I've never felt so alone in my life before - Frank is always here with me when I get the phone call, this is the first time he hasn't been here and it was terrible. I felt so much better when he came home, I just lay in his arms and cried. He makes me feel so much calmer and just makes everything in life that little bit more bearable. Of-course it makes it hard aswell because I hate to see him hurt because of this, I feel like i'm to blame, I feel like all I'm doing is causing him pain and I just want it to stop. I say I'm sorry for not being able to do this and he gets upset with me, we are in this together he tells me, very sweet of him but I still feel so faulty.

Thank you all so much for your sweet messages, I love you all and it makes my heart ache knowing how many of you are in this damn boat with me, I wish it weren't so but I feel so blessed to have you all.

Now is a very difficult time for us, trying to deal with the pain of a another failed cycle and trying to decide when to start IVF. I'm not feeling that strong and that positive right now and people are saying that maybe I need a break, just to clear my head and feel better before I start IVF, but I'm scared to take another break, breaks can be harder than cycling for me...

And so....The plan (may change without prior notice) then is to go for bloods on CD2 & CD3 and to start the pill on CD4 - the nurse says that it will be about 2 weeks until I start Lucrin. I am not sure yet what all this does and what the next steps will be but we will make an appointment with one of the nurses to discuss the drugs, protocol and costs within the next week or so. It does feel a bit strange to be starting so soon and not really knowing what the POA is but that's not normally how they do it. I think that it's just because I'm in such a rush to start this, normally we would meet with the Dr or Nurse before starting the pill but there isn't much time seeing that AF should be here by Friday, Saturday the latest. I feel good'ish about this so far, of-course there is the money issue which hasn't yet been sorted but we'll get there....maybe we'll end up taking a month off....I'll keep you updated.

On another note, I have had so much love and support from all my friends and Frank's family (and you guys) but I can't help feeling the same way Bumble is feeling. As of today...1 day after my Beta...I have still not received even an SMS from my family asking whether there will be an addition to the family or just pherhaps....just maybe....am I okay? Stuff them anyway! I am so sick of people not understanding, especially my family - isn't it funny how the ones we expect to understand, never do. Oh well, lesson no 114578751 learnt when it comes to my family *sigh*

6 comments:

Sticky Bun said...

I so hear you on the break. Hubby and I talked about taking a month off if this cycle fails, but I'm scared, too. At least when you're cycling there is some forward motion...or, it feels like there is anyway.

Anyhow...Again, I'm so, so sorry, Tam. I'm sorry that it didn't work, and that you're going through all of this. Try not to be so hard on yourself, though. You and Frank will do what's best for you, and I know there's much happiness for you in your future. Thinking of you...

ultimatejourney said...

I'm so sorry to that you're hurting and that you aren't getting more support IRL. I wish there was more I could do.

It's very exciting that you can get started so quickly if you're ready to move forward. At my clinic, I'd probably be stuck waiting another cycle.

Good luck working through your sadness and making these big decisions.

Reproductive Jeans said...

We're here for you! I know its not the same..but I hope it is some comfort. Those who arent going through it will never quite get it..

Defeinitely take some time to think things through--I wish you didnt have to get on the IVF train, but I'll definitely save a seat for you!
Thinking of you...

Sarah said...

it is so hard to take a break. the only way it works for me is if i take a REAL break and pay NO attention to my cycle whatsoever. no tracking ovulation, no looking for CM, nothing. if i can totally distract myself, like with a party to plan and throw or a little vacation, even a weekend away, i can actually take a break and come back more ready to start treatment again. but it's hard when you're used to IF taking over your life.

just wanted to let you know i'm thinking of you and wishing for the best.

Bumble said...

Hey there TimTam. I'm glad we got to chat last night, and you know I'm here for you all the time. I think if you don't want a break, then don't have one. There's no harm in starting the pill in the meantime. Thats basically a month off anyway. I'm so sorry you have to go the IVF route, I really never expected it to come to this for you, I'm sorry my friend x

Baby Blues said...

I'm sorry but I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. I just can't depend on family for support right now. I know they're there for me, but they just don't know how. Sometimes I feel like it's just me and Mr. Kite. And of course my wonderful support group. Hey I'm just here. We're all here. Drop me line anytime.