Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Hope is in the air....or is it???

I should be feeling hopefull, I am on CD4 ~ two days into my Femara and 4 days away from my first scan….but I am anything but hopefull. I’m normally really feeling on top of my game at this time of the month, really ready to get going and this time I’m not. I’m really really scared of doing this next cycle, how I will feel if it fails yet again and I know that you are probably rolling your eyes thinking “geesh women, you not even there yet, just give it a chance”…well, yes but I don’t have faith in this anymore. I find myself wondering why I am even bothering doing another IUI because I don’t believe that it’s going to work, how can I do something that I have no faith in?? Will somebody just tell me how to believe again??

I blame hormones for now, I feel very different this time round, I am totally moody, have had a headache for the past two day, AF ~ who should have packed her bags and pissed off by now is still hanging around and is still as bright red as can be which is strange, my boobs feel like udders – huge and painfull, I have backache and this funny shooting pain from deep inside my “woo woo” into my uterus….mmmmn, I blame the hormones!! Not sure if this has anything to do with that damn cyst but that is also the hormones fault.

I was telling Mands just the other day that I have no side effects from Femara whatsoever, I love the stuff because it doesn’t turn me into a tearfull, raging, unreasonable bitch….and here I have to eat my words…sorry Mands, I wasn’t lying :)

And then….I do what we in blogland do, I go and read my usual blogs to see what’s happening with my bloggie friends and guess what ~ it turns out that LJ has just gotten her BFP ~ and guess what (yes, again), it was through IUI…I can feel hope creeping back in….yay yay and yay again! And then I go over to Anns who has gotten a positive HPT after having a negative HPT at her dr’s office just 3 days ago, she is worried that the meds he put her on for her bronchitis will affect her pregnancy…please girls, pray for her….Sarah has seen her little beanie’s heartbeat and things are looking hopefull (from my point of view) there, Bumble has a whole troop growing in her belly and we are praying that this IVF works for her…Sticky bun has just had her IUI and is now in the 2ww, we pray for her too…Reproductive Jeans is also in her 2ww after her 1st IUI and we are hoping that she doesn’t need a second one…BB has just 2 days to go until her 2ww is over and isn’t feeling hopefull due to lack of symptoms but as LJ and Anns can tell you…they had no symptoms at all!! Mands is taking a break and heading down the IVF route within the next few months, we pray that she has that miracle baby but if not that IVF is successful the first time round!! I have a look around at all my little friends in blogland I know that I am not alone in this black hole, I know that they will all just in with me to help me as BB says in her "everybody hurts" post….I love all you guys and asking you to just bear with me until I let hope back in again….

I blame those damn hormones!!!

8 comments:

Sticky Bun said...

Hope comes and goes quickly around here! One minute, you're really ready to roll and super-optimistic. The next doubt creeps in and you start to think, "really...we're doing this again?" Hang in there. It's okay to go through the motions until hope comes back to town. And, we'll all hope for you in the meantime. :-)

Also--it really does give me a renewed sense of hope that LJ just got a + from an IUI, too! I feel like we had all had a long stretch of negatives, and this can help us renew our faith in the possibility of IUI. :-)

Hang in there!

AUNT SASSY said...

Yes, hope can be hard to come by sometimes, especially with those damn hormones wreaking havoc.

Since you asked... IMHO, the hope is still there, just being masked right now. So try going easy on yourself and try not to analyze it too much. I am trusting that the hope will reemerge...

Wishing you the best!

Reproductive Jeans said...

Ahhh the lovely hormones! What a beautiful post though--so nice of you to give us all hopes and prayers!
Sending you lots of hope and prayers to! Wish I could come have coffee with you and Mands--but that would be a LONG trip=)

Bumble said...

Lovely post again Tam! Yes, there is some hope floating around in blogland at the moment, surely it will land on our doorsteps soon too. Keep the faith lassie, IUI's DO work for some people, and you could be one of them. Remember these are your best chances so far... x PS I'll e-mail you with a wierd question...

Sarah said...

ah yes, that's why they call it the infertility rollercoaster, isn't it? i agree with sassy though, hope just goes into hiding sometimes to protect us, it is never really gone. it easily grows back.

good luck this cycle. i hope the horrormones settle in, do their thing, and you get a break from their torment soon.

LJ said...

Awww, thanks so much for mentioning me!!! I'm hoping everything turns out great for all of us!

Anns said...

Don't be so down, you yourself can look around and see all the positive news coming in throughout the blogsphere, just stay strong and hopeful, you'll get there hun.

Now go treat yourself somehow... nothing a hormonal girl needs more than a new special something... shoes, bag, even if it's just a mani, go do something for you.

xo Anns

ellie said...

You know all that talk about how you have to think positive to make all this happen? Yeah, it's not really true. Hope will creep back in -- and if she doesn't we will all be holding it for you- so you have plenty of support on your side.