It's official, we starting IVF...

As of today we have finally decided that we are going forward with our plans to do IVF straight away.

I went for my CD2 scan (all fine) and bloods today, more bloods on Monday and then the I start Min.ulette on Monday too. We go for our IVF appointment with the nurse on the 8th May to discuss the rest of the meds and the protocol they will use on me. This is scary stuff. I am very nervous but excited too. The main thing is that I really can't believe that we are about to start IVF....I mean WTF??

Anyway, I am feeling much better about things now and really looking forward to what the future brings. Frank is being rather quiet about the whole thing, the only thing he does say really is that he is glad that we are moving on and that we aren't doing anymore IUI's. I think men process things differently to us so when I ask him how he feels he just says that he hasn't really thought about it much ~ not like me, madam control freak!

Thank you again for all your support, I'm still gonna need lots of it and am very happy to have you all here with me throughout this journey :)

A little better....

I'm feeling a little better today, still sad but better.

I cried so much yesterday, I couldn't talk to anyone and I've never felt so alone in my life before - Frank is always here with me when I get the phone call, this is the first time he hasn't been here and it was terrible. I felt so much better when he came home, I just lay in his arms and cried. He makes me feel so much calmer and just makes everything in life that little bit more bearable. Of-course it makes it hard aswell because I hate to see him hurt because of this, I feel like i'm to blame, I feel like all I'm doing is causing him pain and I just want it to stop. I say I'm sorry for not being able to do this and he gets upset with me, we are in this together he tells me, very sweet of him but I still feel so faulty.

Thank you all so much for your sweet messages, I love you all and it makes my heart ache knowing how many of you are in this damn boat with me, I wish it weren't so but I feel so blessed to have you all.

Now is a very difficult time for us, trying to deal with the pain of a another failed cycle and trying to decide when to start IVF. I'm not feeling that strong and that positive right now and people are saying that maybe I need a break, just to clear my head and feel better before I start IVF, but I'm scared to take another break, breaks can be harder than cycling for me...

And so....The plan (may change without prior notice) then is to go for bloods on CD2 & CD3 and to start the pill on CD4 - the nurse says that it will be about 2 weeks until I start Lucrin. I am not sure yet what all this does and what the next steps will be but we will make an appointment with one of the nurses to discuss the drugs, protocol and costs within the next week or so. It does feel a bit strange to be starting so soon and not really knowing what the POA is but that's not normally how they do it. I think that it's just because I'm in such a rush to start this, normally we would meet with the Dr or Nurse before starting the pill but there isn't much time seeing that AF should be here by Friday, Saturday the latest. I feel good'ish about this so far, of-course there is the money issue which hasn't yet been sorted but we'll get there....maybe we'll end up taking a month off....I'll keep you updated.

On another note, I have had so much love and support from all my friends and Frank's family (and you guys) but I can't help feeling the same way Bumble is feeling. As of today...1 day after my Beta...I have still not received even an SMS from my family asking whether there will be an addition to the family or just pherhaps....just maybe....am I okay? Stuff them anyway! I am so sick of people not understanding, especially my family - isn't it funny how the ones we expect to understand, never do. Oh well, lesson no 114578751 learnt when it comes to my family *sigh*

Beta is negative :(

I don't know what to say, my heart is breaking into a thousand little pieces, it just never gets easier, Frank is on his way home and all I can do is cry.

I'll check back in when I feel better, just wanted to let you all know.

Thank you all for you love and support, you are all very precious.

Not so sure anymore...

It's now only one more sleep until my Beta, all the lovely symptoms that I was having are gone...and so is the hope. I have a bad feeling about the outcome of this cycle i'm afraid.

The good news is that i'm not crying yet, so my hormones seem to be holding up on that front at least.

I will be going for my beta at about 9:30 tomorrow and will have the results at the latest 11am. I am as nervous as hell and really really hate this part of having treatments, that phone call is always the worst. There is a little part of me that is still hoping that it will be a nice phone call for a change, the one where they tell me to stay on the progesterone - not stop it.

BUT....

That same old feeling of failure is already creeping back in, please God....just for once, make it good news....please, please, please.

P.S. - It's my Dad's birthday today, I so wish that I could give him a belated birthday present tomorrow, he would be so happy....finally.

What will be...will be...

I have typed a post about 3 times over the past 7 days, I haven’t been able to comment on anyone’s blogs or post because the damn internet at work is giving me grief. I’ve been so busy/tired after hours that I haven’t been near the computer at home either, so tonight I'm just letting you all know I am thinking of all of you and hope that things are well, no matter where you are in your journeys!! I will make some time on Wednesday or Thursday to come over and say Hi!

I thought maybe I’d get to it this weekend but my husband decided to test his flying skills and fall of a ladder on Saturday….luckily nothing is broken, he’s just a bit battered and bruised and has a bad wrist sprain which will heal in time….so needless to say, my weekend was pretty interesting!!

I have been battling between feeling hopefull and very doubtfull for the past few days, I’ve been tearfull and impossible to live with for a while and I must say that I am still quite nervous for my Beta on Wednesday…but as I was thinking about things this morning in the shower, I thought….What will be will be.

I’ve also been trying not to imagine any symptoms, the ones I am having…well, I am trying desperately not to pay attention to any of them because as we all know, progesterone is a wicked witch…she gives us hope even when there is no hope to give.

Here is a list of the strange “symptoms” I have having:

• Terrible lower back ache – been trying to remember if I have perhaps hurt it???
• Abdominal cramping – more on the left hand side, a bit strange…been wondering if the egg even released….
• Strange boobie pain – on and off shooting pains in boobies, they not always sore just feel a bit different, a constant reminder that they are there…
• Outbreak of pimples – I look like a teenager – not funny!

And last but not least…

• Purple nipples….yes, yes…you read right. I can’t ever remember seeing my nipples look like this, even Frank commented on how strange they look, the middle piece (not the whole nipple) is very dark (almost purple) and when I rub them then they return to normal (way too much info…I know)…it’s just very very weird.

Anyway, that’s it….all of the above can mean anything….anything but pregnancy, so now we wait, I am 12dpo today and so there’s only two days to wait until we know if we are doing IVF or not….scary stuff this!

To top everything off, Frank will be away on Wednesday all day and Wednesday night, oh yay….so I get to face the Beta and the results without him, I’m sure that I’ll be okay…it’s just that I would really prefer him to be home, he is my rock and understands what I need so well.

Frank and I have also decided to go straight ahead into IVF it this cycle fails, so when I'm there on Wednesday, before I even have my results, I am going to talk to the IVF nurses about what they need from me if we are going to do IVF, if it’s bloods then I’ll go on CD2 again so that they can decide what protocol they will use for me, if it’s birth control then I’ll start it straight away and we’ll sort out our finances during the weeks that I’m outa action. I feel much better knowing that we have a plan – a real plan!! (Although I’m still scared shitless!!)

Thanks to Sticky bun for thinking of me and I am hoping that I can give all you IUI ladies some hope...3rd time lucky they say....we'll see about that!! A special thanks to Sarah and Mands for their helpfull e-mails and for tryna keep me sane through this 2ww, you are darlings!!

While you’re out and about, please pop in by Bumble – she has unfortunately just had her first failed IVF, please send her your love. I am so sorry sweetie, you are in my heart and prayers always, Thank you for being my very special friend.

5dpo update...

This is an update but it is also not...why, you ask....well, because there isn't really much to report just yet...besides for the following which is quite normal for me at this time:

Sore Boobies
Wierd dreams
Slight cramping in tummy....

All of the above are caused by the lovely progesterone pess.aries that I am using....lovely, lovely stuff I tell you....oh, oh, oh.....i've also had a nice skin break out, which is a bit strange as that normally comes closer to AF....anyway, i'm not taking any of these as possible signs as I know what progesterone does!!

Other than that, I am feeling okay...I must say tho that I am actually feeling strangely calm this 2ww, I don't think that I have ever been this calm in a 2ww, it feels pretty wierd actually. Not sure if it's because I'm used to being on a break and not really waiting for much, or the fact the I am rather pleased that this was our last IUI....or the fact that I know we have a plan if this fails. I am also happy to report that I have finally made peace with the fact that we may have to do IVF, not sure why but the thought of doing it used to terrify me something silly, I feel better now and am actually looking forward to what the future may bring. I am going to be pregnant before this year is up, mark my words!!!

I worked all weekend, from 9am to about 7pm both days, on my feet all weekend so I am buggered, I nearly threw the alarm clock out the window when it went off this morning, it's like a sick joke...winter is coming and it's getting darker in the mornings, it confuses my body....I feel like I should still be sleeping :( My feet are also sore and I sound like a real grumble guts so I think I'll stop right here....

Hope all of you in blogland are doing well, I am thinking of all of you in different parts of your journeys to parenthood!!

25...a lucky number...pherhaps??

Well ladies, like I said yesterday….today is O day!! Had loads of EWCM this morning, tinged with a bit of blood so I think that the egg is officially out. Got some local pain in my ovary area, which has been there since 2am this morning. Like I said before, this is the first time in months that a follie has come from this side so it is understandable that my ovary is also a bit grumpy!!

Today’s IUI went as well as yesterday’s….with 50 mil sperm to the ml so all is good. I lay there breathing deeply and trying to relax and talk nicely to Frank’s little men and my egg….I feel really calm, I’m not sure why but there is a light at the end of this tunnel, a silver lining to this dark cloud. Whether it is the fact that I am hopefull (yes, she sneaked back in when I wasn’t looking) that this will be the one because despite the rough start to this cycle, everything has turned out well indeed or if it’s the fact that I know if this doesn’t work that we will be moving onto bigger and better things, my last IUI is behind me!!

I also want to say a very big Thank you to all you lovely, lovely ladies who have supported me when the days where dark and somehow I feel very loved, I know that you will be there for me if all doesn’t work out as planned, you will all be the light in my dark days and that comforts me. A big hug for all of you!!

So, onto 2ww no. 25….is 25 a lucky number??

Stillness of heart....

On our way to the dr's this morning (with Frank's sperm sample firmly between my breasts), we were listening to the radio. On came a song that I have always loved, a song that made me want to weep....it goes something like this....

All that I want...
is stillness of heart...
so I can start...
to find a way...
out of the dark...

...And so it dawned on me, that's what I really want, stillness of heart. I know that there is only one thing that can still my aching heart....I need not say it, all of you understand it so very well.

On another note, I am pleased to say that the IUI went off very well today, I didn't get a cuppa or a blankie but we had some good swimmers....40 mil per ml, which brings us to 120 - 160 mil for today, not sure what the motility was like but the Dr's seemed happy. They also worked really fast with the sperm wash and the sample was put back in before 2 hrs (1 hr to get to the dr's and 45 mins to wash) from producing the sample had passed. This is the best time we've ever had, normally we wait about and 1 - 2 for the wash and Dr to be ready....so the boys were nice and "fresh"!!

I am also pleased to say that for a change my grumpy cervix was ready and willing, nice and low and opened up nicely for Mr. Duck!! The IUI itself was a bit sore but always is as I feel the catheter going in quite deep, it's a funny, strange sensation and the thing I like the least about IUI's. Dr was very apologetic but said that it was good as it shows that they got to where they were supposed to be, explained in detail (in which I got lost) as to why it hurt. I am still cramping on an off, which is usual for me after an IUI ~ I told you, I have a grumpy cervix and prolly a grumpy ute too, they don't like been fiddled with!! I think Mr. Duck scares them :)

Last one for this round tomorrow and it'll also be O day!! Let's hope that Frank's swimmers are as ready and willing and that all goes off smoothly again. Then it's onto the lovely progesterone suppositories and hopefully our last IUI 2ww.

I am starting to think that Frank and I have come to some kind of agreement on this being our last IUI, of-course we are hoping that this one works but if not then we will be moving onto IVF. Not exactly sure when as we would have to sort out our finances and get our heads around everything but we will cross that bridge if we get to it....

I am feeling good, I am going to try and practice what I preech and go with the flow, like I said to Bumble, we have no control now, we have done the best we can do (given our circumstances) and the rest is not up to us anymore, the outcome....i'm afraid, has already been decided on.

For now, I hope and pray that one day there will be stillness of heart....

The prodigal follie...

CD8 scan revealed "no movement" on the left and a 13+ follie on the right, Mands has lovingly named this the prodigal follie...it's the first time since starting treatment at Vitalab that I have had a promising follie on my right ovary, I have asked the Dr. about this before and he just said that it was lazy because of all the op's I've had on it....well, girls I am pleased to announce the my right ovary is no longer lazy!! The body is an amazing thing, since my left ovary is obviously still recovering from the cyst I had the right one has taken over the duty of producing a follie...so there you go girls....the prodigal follie!! We are praying that this one yields the lucky egg :)

CD10 scan today revealed...still "no movement" on the left but an 18+ follie on the right....lining is at 8.4mm....could be better but Dr. is positive and says that things are looking good. Trigger at 6pm tonight!! IUI tomorrow and another on Wednesday. I am finally feeling a bit more positive about this IUI. I will start progesterone on Thursday and Beta will be on the 25th April....the day Frank and I got engaged 3 years ago...and also the day after my Dad's birthday....hopefully we can him some good news :)

I asked the nurse about only getting one follie this time and she said that it was actually better than getting more, we are after quality....not quantity, so hopefully she is right, a quality egg that loves my husbands sperm as much as I love him and a Christmas baby for Mr & Mrs Peanut!!

Please all pray for Bumble who has had her 4 celled little embie put back, we want a christmas baby for her too. We love you Mr & Mrs Bumble....

Hope is in the air....or is it???

I should be feeling hopefull, I am on CD4 ~ two days into my Femara and 4 days away from my first scan….but I am anything but hopefull. I’m normally really feeling on top of my game at this time of the month, really ready to get going and this time I’m not. I’m really really scared of doing this next cycle, how I will feel if it fails yet again and I know that you are probably rolling your eyes thinking “geesh women, you not even there yet, just give it a chance”…well, yes but I don’t have faith in this anymore. I find myself wondering why I am even bothering doing another IUI because I don’t believe that it’s going to work, how can I do something that I have no faith in?? Will somebody just tell me how to believe again??

I blame hormones for now, I feel very different this time round, I am totally moody, have had a headache for the past two day, AF ~ who should have packed her bags and pissed off by now is still hanging around and is still as bright red as can be which is strange, my boobs feel like udders – huge and painfull, I have backache and this funny shooting pain from deep inside my “woo woo” into my uterus….mmmmn, I blame the hormones!! Not sure if this has anything to do with that damn cyst but that is also the hormones fault.

I was telling Mands just the other day that I have no side effects from Femara whatsoever, I love the stuff because it doesn’t turn me into a tearfull, raging, unreasonable bitch….and here I have to eat my words…sorry Mands, I wasn’t lying :)

And then….I do what we in blogland do, I go and read my usual blogs to see what’s happening with my bloggie friends and guess what ~ it turns out that LJ has just gotten her BFP ~ and guess what (yes, again), it was through IUI…I can feel hope creeping back in….yay yay and yay again! And then I go over to Anns who has gotten a positive HPT after having a negative HPT at her dr’s office just 3 days ago, she is worried that the meds he put her on for her bronchitis will affect her pregnancy…please girls, pray for her….Sarah has seen her little beanie’s heartbeat and things are looking hopefull (from my point of view) there, Bumble has a whole troop growing in her belly and we are praying that this IVF works for her…Sticky bun has just had her IUI and is now in the 2ww, we pray for her too…Reproductive Jeans is also in her 2ww after her 1st IUI and we are hoping that she doesn’t need a second one…BB has just 2 days to go until her 2ww is over and isn’t feeling hopefull due to lack of symptoms but as LJ and Anns can tell you…they had no symptoms at all!! Mands is taking a break and heading down the IVF route within the next few months, we pray that she has that miracle baby but if not that IVF is successful the first time round!! I have a look around at all my little friends in blogland I know that I am not alone in this black hole, I know that they will all just in with me to help me as BB says in her "everybody hurts" post….I love all you guys and asking you to just bear with me until I let hope back in again….

I blame those damn hormones!!!

Oh, so it's a Corpus Luteum cyst you say??!

Okay, so the heading pretty much explains itself. I went for my CD2 scan today and waiting for me at the other end of the wand was a horrible little (3.5cm by 1.4cm) cyst on my left ovary, I cried my eyes out as the doc explained that this was the cause of the longer cycle that I have just had, "I should have been a dr" I am thinking to myself, I just knew that something was up...anyway I was sent for bloods to check my E2 and progesterone to check if the damn thing was still producing hormones in which case there would be a plan B. Plan B huh, too scared to ask what that was so we just left it at that...

They gave me my Femara anyway and said that they would phone me to let me know if I should start taking it tonight or whether we do plan B....

This just in....I am very relieved to say that they have just phoned and said that my horrible little cyst is not producing any hormones and should shrink by itself within the next few days. I start Femara tonight and go back for a scan on CD8 which will be Sat, now that I can handle. It's been an emotional morning, friggin hell...nothing is ever smooth sailing. I'm hoping and praying that this will be the only bump in the road for this IUI, please God...just a little smooth sailing for a while??