1 year Blogaversary!!

It’s been a year since I started this blog, can you believe it? Because I sure can’t.

A year ago I was in a very different place to where I am now, we had just finished our second IUI, it had failed (of-course) and I was devastated and in a very bad place. We went for counseling with me saying that I didn’t want to do this IUI shit anymore and with Frank and Dr J telling me to “just try one more” before moving onto IVF…sigh

As you all know, I caved and did IUI # 3 in April and it failed as I thought it would. It seems like a world away, I can’t believe that since then time has passed so quickly, it feels like I have been taking a break more than I have been doing fertility treatments, since starting this blog I have only done one IUI, one fresh IVF and an FET, I really can’t believe that, this last year has felt so hard and I am so tired. I remember this last year so differently, only doing three treatments sounds/feels like I’m down playing things a bit here, I remember the months in-between, I remember how hard they were and I remember the reasons I needed to stop for a while, this last year brings many un-happy memories for me and Frank, it’s a year that we are trying desperately to put behind us, it’s a year that has done so much damage and given us so much heartache.

We are different people now, we still have hope and a love that’s stronger than ever before, a better understanding of many things but also utter confusion as to why we even need to still be walking this road. We have high hopes for this year, a belief that things will change soon and that this will be our year.

Blogland has taught me so much, I have watched many of you grow and become different people, watched some of you achieve pregnancies and have live babies and have formed some wonderful friendships. Girls, I am really thankful for every single one of you, without you guys I know that this road would have been a lot harder and very lonely, you have all helped me through some really rough times and I love you all for that, so thank you for helping me get through this journey. I look forward to what happens next for all of us!!

I was speaking to sweet Bumble yesterday and she said something that really stuck a chord with me, she said “Tam, every minute extra that you wait for you baby is so worth it” I have always worried about that, always wondered if the damage done by IF could ever be healed, if we ever get over the pain. Bumble says that little Emma has healed her, I can’t wait to be healed by my little soul, I pray that that will be soon.

I am 8DPO today, feeling fine except for a cold coming on. I have lost 12.5cm in the last 4 weeks, some of this is thanks to the detox and the rest I suppose is from gyming 3 times a week. I am feeling so much better, am starting to fit into my smaller clothes now and generally feeling much healthier. I am really starting to get sick of this diet tho, in fact I’ve been really grumpy the last few days, I just want to eat normal food!! By tomorrow, I will have been doing this for 4 weeks, 4 weeks is a long time!! I really hope that this is making a difference and that it will make my womb more welcoming!!

Having been told that my body is the problem and that my womb is un-welcoming has become a problem for me, so much so that I am scared to put anything bad/other than the diet in my mouth, I keep on thinking that if I do something wrong then maybe this wont work, which is just absurd, I know that but you know how things like this can play on your mind. Dr P has told me that it’s up to me to change my body by eating correctly and so I’m being hard on myself and I don’t like that way that it’s making me feel :o( I will chat to the doc about this when I go get more drops.

Other than that, Frank and I are taking a 10 day holiday, I can’t wait, we’ll be away for our 3 year anniversary which I plan to make different from last year and concentrate how much we love eachother and not how childless we are. The plan is to leave next week Wednesday, AF will be due the following day and hopefully we’ll be back in time for AC if we need it or maybe, just maybe….I’ll have good news for you!