Taking a break....

This is wonderfull, we are taking a break, never have I been so happy to take a break before, I mean WTF, what if THIS is THE month? Oh well, it's better than losing my mind! It's not so bad, we drink, we have non-baby making sex, we drink, we have non-baby making sex and we drink. Ah, life is good.

We go and see my Dr and I feel fine, much better and I ask him what he thinks about me doing IVF? He tells me that with a case like ours, we know what the problem is, we know the sperm is good, we know you making eggs, we know your lining is good, everything is good. We know that the "pathway" the sperm goes through is a problem and we are trying to rectify that....the only thing we don't know is the quality of my eggs and for that we'll need to do IVF but we don't have to do that now...

To cut a long story short, he tells me that it's my descision - IUI or IVF, whichever but he reminds me that there are no gurantee's with IVF - yeeeessss, but it's a better chance. He tells me that there is no reason that the IUI's wont work for us and if you look at what we have accomplished in 5 months then I should be happy. I have only really done one medicated, properly planned IUI....the descision is mine. He is happy that we are going for councelling and taking a break...come back when you ready Mrs G. I love my Dr, I really do....but would someone just make this easier for me, just tell me what will work!!

We go and see a councellor, I don't even cry like I did in my dr's office, I am so fine it's just not funny. We talk about everything and she tells me that what I am feeling is normal...

• I am most certainly not a failure
• I am not broken
• It's not my fault that I can't do what others can do
• None of this is my fault and my husband loves me dearly
• I am not a freak because I can picture my baby growing inside me in the 2ww, I'm not a freak because I can picture them in my arms and feel my heart swell with more love than I can imagine....

I have a medical problem.

Okay, I know all this but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way. She tells me that I need to mourn what could have been every month, I need to let myself feel all of this....it's okay not to be okay all the time, Frank and I are going through a crisis, infertility is like a crisis....infertility is a lonely place, infertility changes me more than I care to admit, it's changed my husband and it's changed our marriage and it makes me sad. I don't like who it's made me, I want to go back, please take this away. I want my baby.

I am not depressed and I am strong and I can deal with this, I think a lot of what she said helped Frank see what this is like...I have a wonderfull husband and infertility has affected our marriage but not all of it is bad, it has brought us so much closer and it's not about me, it's about us now. Frank is very understanding and is always there for me, but sometimes men can't always understand the pain of a failed cycle, I think he does now.

So, I think i'm going to do another medicated IUI....I feel stupid for falling off the wagon but I need to think of it this way.....we've are now onto our 24th cycle, I have been seeing these Dr's for 5 months and in the five months that we have been seeing them, they have found and fixed more than many other dr's in the 18 months before, and during these 24 months, we have really only had 1 chance of falling pregnant, we need to give this another go....

Aunt flo has finally arrived after taking her jolly time...we taking this month off aswell, for many reasons but can't wait to get back on that saddle!!