Mmmmmmeltdown!!!

So...the storm after the calm hit me yesterday, quite unexpectedly. Not to say I didn't expect it, I expected it eventually but not so soon.

I've been plodding along, minding my own business when all of a sudden I hit a wall. It started on Tuesday, I was feeling a bit off - it was then that I knew that AF was on her merry way. I felt very tearful and scared, had a very bad case of PMS.

So yesterday morning when I woke up, I didn't feel much better, I got dressed...thought about AF and packed my goodies in my handbag just in-case but hoping against all hope that I wouldn't need them and that soon I would see those 2 lines. I wasn't at work long and AF appeared and all I wanted to do is run and hide, run and hide from my life.

It hit me so hard, I phoned Frank to tell him and he said "oh well, we'll just try again" and normally I would love him for being so optimistic but that's just not what I wanted to hear, i'm still not sure what I wanted him to say and I think that it doesn't really matter either because at that moment in time, nothing would have helped.

My mind was reeling, going crazy trying to figure out why I wasn't okay anymore, thoughts of what to do next made me feel even worse. At one point my only thought was going for a day 2 scan and starting BCP for my next IVF and then wondering whether month 3 with Dr P would do the trick. You see, I have always been like this - I choose to believe in the treatment that I am doing whole heartedly BUT when i've given it fair chance and I don't get results, the I lose faith and want to move on to the next thing.

One of my close friends at work came to ask if I was okay, I told her that I wasn't and I wasn't sure what to do, I told her exactly how I felt and what my options were. Now, she has been there with me all along on this journey, she has a child of her own and conceived within the first month of going off the pill but has never once judged me, she has always tried to walk in my shoes and I love her dearly for that. She told me in no un-certain terms to pull myself together and that I should just follow "the plan", she said that I have all the time in the world and that waiting another one or two months is not going to kill me, infact all it's going to do is improve my chances of conceiving with IVF. She also told me that if I start IVF now and it doesn't work then I'm going to look back and wonder if I should have given my body some more time.

I must admit that some of what she said wasn't easy to hear, we (infertiles) tend to get our backs up when fertile people try and give us advice (no matter how good the friendship is) but when I thought about everything she was saying, I had to agree that she was right. I still felt very sorry for myself but I needed to hear everything that she said to me.

Today is a better day, I still feel a bit sad but I'm on the mend. Frank agrees too that we aren't ready yet, we'll give it some more time. This month is supposed to be my last month on treatment with Dr P, "the plan" was to start BCP in May but like I have said before...that will mean that this cycle will fall on the same time as my first IVF, it feels like a bad omen to me, please tell me what you think.....tell me if you think it's daft to use that as an excuse.

So for now I carry on with my eating plan and excercise, carry on with my Agnus and acupuncture and decide what to do when I need to.....and try desperately to find peace again.

To those of you who commented on my last post, I am truly sorry if any of you were hurt by it and I wanted to let you all know that wherever you are in your journey, I pray for peace for you all everyday....

Fighting the fight....

I know i'm a bad little blogger, there isn't really that much news on my side anymore, I find that there's really not much to say these days, when you not cycling and by "cycling" I mean doing serious treatment like IVF then there's really no fuss, you don't symptom watch like you used to, you don't blog about every twitch and altho I am actually doing something productive to try and fall pregnant, I feel like i'm not because of how down played it is but this might very well be the way I fall pregnant, but how come there isn't a fuss?

It's wierd, we seem to change the way we react to everything the further we walk down this road, it's feels like we stop believing eventually and because everyone moves on except us, we feel different about fighting the fight. Sweet JJ's post made the way I've been feeling lately very real, I feel left behind - there's really no other way to put it. So many of you have moved on and I know that your lives are different now and I know it's not intentional but I do know that only a few of you still check this blog - I'm not complaining, I remind my hubby all the time that people change, that life changes and that people move on. Some of you don't want to think about fighting the fight anymore and quite truthfully, I don't blame you, I can't judge because I don't know how it feels to be "on the otherside".

I'm in a good enough place to deal with this now, I'm taking it one day at a time and like I've said before...i'm thinking of delaying my IVF, I have various reasons for doing this:

1. I feel good about the treatment I'm doing, maybe it's for selfish reasons, I'm enjoying having my body finally react in the way I want it to - a control thing maybe??
2. Frank and I have really connected lately, we're happy with just "us" for a change, you never really understand the affect IF has on you until you not doing major treatment anymore
3. I'm scared of starting again, I know we'll get through another IVF in one peace but I don't think that my heart is ready to take another failed IVF, I know that's not the right way to think about it because I should think that it could end in a BFP but i'm not there yet
4. Don't laugh, but starting BCP in May would mean that this IVF would be exactly the same time as my first one last year, out by a few days i'm sure and maybe this is non-sense but I don't want to jinx it, I'm scared of the same result because it's the same time :o/
5. When i'm not doing major treatments, it's almost easy to pretend that the past three years has not been my life, i'm in a place now that I can't understand, I'm baffled over my denial and while I know it will pass and I should enjoy it, it does concern me because I can feel the shift happening and i'm letting go, it truly scares me....

And while I miss all of you, all of you that have moved on...I know that part of it is for your own good, sanity perhaps? I think about you always and still check in on you and your precious bundles and pray for peace for all of you.

I hope that this post hasn't offended any of you because I know having a baby doesn't make you not infertile anymore and it doesn't take the pain of what you went through dissapear, all i'm trying to do here is tell you all that it's okay, I do understand and like JJ....it's time for a new circle....I know that those of us still fighting the fight will all be on the otherside of this one day and my dear dear friends, I can't wait!

3rd time Lucky?

Sigh….that was soo nice, we had such a good break. I’m back and feeling so much better, calm, relaxed and re-energised!! So, I’m sure you thinking that it’s a good thing because now I have renewed strength to fight the fight, yes….but no.

The way I feel now, I’m tired of fighting the fight….it’s not that I’m burnt out or in a bad place, it happens to be that I am in a good place right now. For now, I have decided that I want to enjoy life again, for now….I want to be with my husband and love him the way he’s meant to be loved, for now….I feel complete and I don’t feel broken anymore. For now, I am at peace and I’m finding this a really good place to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want a baby very much and I am still following Dr. P’s treatment religiously and hoping for a nice surprise and for now, that is enough.

A strange calm has come over me, so much in fact that my husband is wondering where his wife went and is probably expecting her back any minute but I hope she stays away for a while because she is not who she used to be, (in)fertility has changed her in ways that she can’t explain, she needs me to be where I am right now, she is trying to discover her old self again….I hope she get’s it right!

Nothing major has changed, there wasn’t some miracle that made me see the error of my ways, Frank and I had such a great time away and something in me clicked, this little voice told me that it was okay to be happy, okay to feel complete, okay to just be the two of us for a little while longer.

My last cycle ended with af arriving the day we went on holiday, I was okay with that, a little annoyed at the fact the it had to be then but I wasn’t upset, doing treatment with Dr P has lessened the pressure quite a bit and to start off with, I was not sure that it would be the right treatment for me, not aggressive enough but as it turns out, it was the best thing for us. I started off saying that I’d see if I could do the whole three months but doubted it and today, I can tell you that I’m willing to do this for a lot longer than expected. The thought of another fresh IVF makes me cringe, I can’t imagine doing another one any time soon and it’s strange to think that I thought I was so ready for it. Of-course, I’ve just come back from holiday, I feel different at the moment and that may also change but I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt here and also won’t be hard on myself if I change my mind.

I’m doing a different diet now, one that is supposed to control can.dida. Apparently can.dida (in your gut) can cause acidity in your body but most importantly the closest thing to your gut which is your uterus. So for now, I’m following the after detox diet with the exception of fruit, fruit juices and any sugar what so ever. Sugar in any shape or form makes can.dida worse, so for 3 weeks that’s what I will be doing and then I’ll add certain fruits gradually. I’m on CD14 today so I had acupuncture on CD 10 & 12 and I’ll be in my 2ww soon.

Frank and I had a wonderful anniversary, it’s been 3 very good years, I love that man more and more as the years go by. It has also been three long years in terms of our struggles to conceive our first child, this year has a lot of three’s in it for us….we’ve been married for three years, Frank just turned 33, I am 30 this year and will we do a 3rd IVF? – only time will tell….hopefully all these three’s mean something good, what is it they say about 3rd time lucky?? I hope so.

Here’s some pics of Frank and I on our anniversary and of the view we had from our bedroom on holiday…..