Taking a break....

This is wonderfull, we are taking a break, never have I been so happy to take a break before, I mean WTF, what if THIS is THE month? Oh well, it's better than losing my mind! It's not so bad, we drink, we have non-baby making sex, we drink, we have non-baby making sex and we drink. Ah, life is good.

We go and see my Dr and I feel fine, much better and I ask him what he thinks about me doing IVF? He tells me that with a case like ours, we know what the problem is, we know the sperm is good, we know you making eggs, we know your lining is good, everything is good. We know that the "pathway" the sperm goes through is a problem and we are trying to rectify that....the only thing we don't know is the quality of my eggs and for that we'll need to do IVF but we don't have to do that now...

To cut a long story short, he tells me that it's my descision - IUI or IVF, whichever but he reminds me that there are no gurantee's with IVF - yeeeessss, but it's a better chance. He tells me that there is no reason that the IUI's wont work for us and if you look at what we have accomplished in 5 months then I should be happy. I have only really done one medicated, properly planned IUI....the descision is mine. He is happy that we are going for councelling and taking a break...come back when you ready Mrs G. I love my Dr, I really do....but would someone just make this easier for me, just tell me what will work!!

We go and see a councellor, I don't even cry like I did in my dr's office, I am so fine it's just not funny. We talk about everything and she tells me that what I am feeling is normal...

• I am most certainly not a failure
• I am not broken
• It's not my fault that I can't do what others can do
• None of this is my fault and my husband loves me dearly
• I am not a freak because I can picture my baby growing inside me in the 2ww, I'm not a freak because I can picture them in my arms and feel my heart swell with more love than I can imagine....

I have a medical problem.

Okay, I know all this but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way. She tells me that I need to mourn what could have been every month, I need to let myself feel all of this....it's okay not to be okay all the time, Frank and I are going through a crisis, infertility is like a crisis....infertility is a lonely place, infertility changes me more than I care to admit, it's changed my husband and it's changed our marriage and it makes me sad. I don't like who it's made me, I want to go back, please take this away. I want my baby.

I am not depressed and I am strong and I can deal with this, I think a lot of what she said helped Frank see what this is like...I have a wonderfull husband and infertility has affected our marriage but not all of it is bad, it has brought us so much closer and it's not about me, it's about us now. Frank is very understanding and is always there for me, but sometimes men can't always understand the pain of a failed cycle, I think he does now.

So, I think i'm going to do another medicated IUI....I feel stupid for falling off the wagon but I need to think of it this way.....we've are now onto our 24th cycle, I have been seeing these Dr's for 5 months and in the five months that we have been seeing them, they have found and fixed more than many other dr's in the 18 months before, and during these 24 months, we have really only had 1 chance of falling pregnant, we need to give this another go....

Aunt flo has finally arrived after taking her jolly time...we taking this month off aswell, for many reasons but can't wait to get back on that saddle!!

Let's finish this story...

Okay, finally...let's get on with this...now...I'm boring myself here!

I have a lapscope to check for possible endometriosis and to investigate the tube thing and check everything else. I have my lap on the 21st Nov - I have stage II endo, which is removed. My ovaries and uterus are fine and so are my tubes, oh and I also have a progesterone deficiency so I'll be on progesterone for the last two weeks of any treatment cycle, we also discover that I have a stubborn right ovary, it responds very poorly so I O from my left side every month, this is from the three cycts that I have had removed from that ovary....yes, I am well and truly faulty....wait for AF to so another timed intercourse cycle....things proceed as follows:

• Dec 2006 - All goes well until PCT - Dr's are hoping that removing the endo will get rid of my "hostile mucus" problem - er...no such luck! Bicarb douche once again works for acidity but they discover after the 2nd PCT for this month that my mucus is also too thick and the poor little men can't move....stat IUI - this is O day....whoa, now this was a surprise....this cycle also ends with an BFN!!
• Jan 2007 - This time they try a medicated IUI - Femara from CD2 - CD6 - all going well...I have two follies on Trigger day - 15mm and 18mm - IUI done day before O and day of O - first day 180mil sperm with 30% motility and second day 180mil sperm with 50% motility - all going well....more than enough sperm and two eggs....yay, yay, yay! Progesterone "turkey baster jobs" started from 2dpo....here we go!! I have all the symptoms, i'm nauseous, tired, emotional, having friggin wierd dreams, boobs are killing me, I even have a temp rise on 14DPO....I tell you I'm pregnant....er no....I'm sorry Mrs Gardiner....your HCG (which is scheduled on 14DPO for every treatment cycle) was Negative, please come in again on CD2....

And so I lose it, I cry and I cry and....I cry. For four friggin days I am a basket case, it's never hit me so hard before, fuck! I skip work - now this is a new one, and I just don't see a way out of this. My husband is starting to think i've lost it, well yes, I think I did for a while there. On top of this all, I have stopped the progesterone but it delays AF by two days and I still have friggin hope, this is sad I tell you.....maybe they got the test wrong, maybe it's mixed up with someone else's....and then she comes....and I cry.

I phone the nurses at Vitalab and we speak about IVF - that's it - i'm doing IVF, stuff this 15 - 20% when I can get 60%!! I tell my husband we doing IVF, never again will I do an IUI...it's clear they not going to work for us! He nods and says yes. Oh and we taking a break and going for councelling, i feel like i'm losing my mind here! He nods and says yes.

I make an appointment to tell my Dr i'm sick of this playing around, bring out the big guns, I want IVF! I make a councelling appointment and we go away and take a break....

This is going to be a long road...

Just want to say thanks for all your prayers and well wishes for Greg, unfortunately there are not many more answers as yet. They did another brain scan yesterday and the scan showed that there is more bleeding on the brain and his brain is more swollen but in saying that they did the very first scan on the day of the accident, so it makes sense that the brain would've continued to bleed and swell for a while. I suppose they will do another scan tomorrow to see if it's the same, we are hoping that it's either the same or better as that means that the bleeding would have stopped. Greg is very agressive which apparently is very normal with this kind of head injury.

They have restrained him because he keeps pulling out the IV's etc but somehow he managed to get free and ripped out his catheter - this is really bad news as he has damaged his uretha and the urologist says that he'll have to insert another catheter but this one will need to stay in for a month to allow everything to heal, so all in all, this is going to be a very long road for all of us. Dr's aren't saying much as it's too early to tell if there is going to be permanent brain damage, if there is then he will have a speech problem and the motility on his right hand side will be affected but there are rehabilitation programmes for this. The good news is that Greg is talking and making sense, not all the time...sometimes he recognises people and sometimes not, the brain is a funny thing so no definate conclusion can be made as yet. He just wants to go home now and he doesn't realise how serious the injury is, he is asleep most of the time so only really talks between waking which doesn't last long. If he continues to fight then they will have to sedate him and intubate him which we are hoping wont happen. He will be in ICU for at least the next 10 days or so....

I spent the afternoon looking after the kids yesterday and my goodness they are a busy bunch! The seem to scatter and you can't watch all of them, thank goodness Frank's gran was with me and she could keep and eye on one of them....They are taking it quite hard and keep on asking for their Daddy, Jessica has asked Miggy to promise that Daddy will be okay - oh it just breaks my heart. They took the kids to see him and thankfully he slept through the whole thing, the Trauma Nurse says that it's important for them to see that he is okay and is getting better.

Other than that, AF is taking her sweet time, maybe it's just stress...need to finish my story of how we got to where we are....maybe this afternoon...