The 2ww and my perfect little girl...

It’s been a while since I last posted and it’s not because I am trying to stay away, I actually was in the middle of a “pathetic little me” post on Tuesday when a sub-station (power plant) in the area blew up, as a result of this our company and most of the surrounding area have not had power for two days….much fun!!

However, you can count yourselves lucky for the power failure, you missed the “pathetic little me” post and now I am feeling much much better!! To be honest I am still thinking about everything that made me feel not so good but it’s just not as bad once you get used to the idea.

Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster, doing IVF will do that to you, constant ups and downs; the sleepless nights; the weird dreams and the uncertainty of the whole thing is not that much fun. So, once I had my perfect little embies put back I was feeling much better, so relieved and really looking forward to that positive BFP, I was on cloud 9 ~ walking around like some IF newbie thinking that there was no question that this would end in a BFP…..

….and then, somehow, with no notice at all ~ I fell off my cloud…

….and came down to earth with a crash!!

All of a sudden it hit me. It hit me that this might not actually work and I was terrified, I didn’t sleep that night, I tossed and turned thinking about how I am going to deal with this, how the hell would I deal with a failed IVF cycle, I mean hello….IVF is supposed to work, it’s the big “MOTHER FUCKER OF FERTILITY TREATMENTS!!” but I am not that naïve, I finally realized that I should at least prepare myself for the worst and I was devastated. I mean really, everything has gone so well, something has to go wrong, this is really too good to be true. Tuesday carried on the same with me feeling sorry for myself, and it resulted in the “pathetic little me” post.

I am however feeling much better since then, Frank and I had a heart to heart about it and he told me that we would deal with it together and that finally it doesn’t need to be “too good to be true”. I need to keep the faith, we really do have a good shot at this and if it doesn’t work then we will pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off!!

It has been 6 days since my transfer, that makes it 9 days since my retrieval so technically I might be able to get a double line on a HPT but instead I find myself half way through the 2ww with another week still to go. I have promised my husband that I will not be using any HPT’s and so I will keep my promise as hard as it is (I must be losing my mind, I’m actually thinking of POAS ~ I hate the damn things!!)

On the symptom front, it’s very hard to tell what could be a symptom when you are on Prog.esterone and Estro.gen because it’s very hard to feel normal. My boobs are just a bit sore, sometimes more than others (this also depends on how many times I grope them a day), they also feel huge and are popping out my bra’s, I’m terribly constipated, I am getting pimples on my chest and face (lovely look for me) and I’ve had a couple of twinges (on days 3, 4 and 5 after transfer) in my lower abdomen which have since disappeared. The bloating has finally gone down so I feeling a bit more normal in my clothes. I think that if I read through previous posts, I could tell you that I’ve had all these things before so I am clueless as to whether my little two have implanted or not.

I am counting the days until my beta and praying all the time. My sweet friend Bumble has been a wonderful support (as usual) and tells me that we have an excellent chance of getting that BFP. I hope that she is right and that we can have our babies close together!

A friend of mine had her baby boy yesterday and as good friends do, we went to see them in hospital last night. Let me tell you that this little thing is too precious, I held him for ages while he just slept in my arms. Frank held him too and my heart was aching for our own baby. They are such perfect little creatures, a real miracle. I dreamt that I had my own baby last night, just one…my perfect little girl.

2 days into the wait...

Well, it's only two days into the wait and so far so good, I have been trying to to think about it too much but I do find myself looking at my tum and wondering what's going on in there, hoping and praying that my "little two" are growing and getting ready to implant soon, they should have loads of cells by now!!

I really don't have any interesting news at all actually, i must say tho that IVF certainly does make you feel a bit different - I am very bloated and have sore boobies, but I have this since my retrieval so I know not to obsess about it but I definately have noticed that your body doesn't feel the same as when you've gone through a normal cycle.

I was reading comments on my blog yesterday and came across a comment from Erin, so as one normally does, I went to check out her blog to find that she had written a little blurb about something I said in my post, I actually feel a bit bad (i'm sure she wasn't aiming at that) because I didn't explain myself correctly when telling you guys about the 6 celled embie...so, I went and looked it up and I was correct but just didn't say it right...so, now I am trying to explain myself clearly (with pics for your viewing pleasure)....

I have found this: A normal zygote (1 day after fertalisation) should look like this:

2 pronuclei are seen - A polar body is at one o'clock - The upper pronucleus contains maternal DNA and the lower pronucleus contains paternal DNA

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An abnormal zygote would look like this but can still carry on growing:

3 pronuclei are seen in the center of the cell - Each pronucleus contains 23 chromosomes -This embryo has 69 chromosomes instead of the normal 46

I haven't been able to find a pic of a zygote with only one pronucleus, basically our embryo should have had 46 chromosomes but ended up with 23 and shouldn't have gone any further, there are doctors who would transfer these embryo's and see what happens but I think that most of the time they would result in a blighted ovum type pregnancy (I may be wrong tho). There are cases where the zygote has 3 pronuclei and one was removed, these can go on to be normal pregnancies and babies.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is...yes, we are lucky, our Dr's do go into detail with us and I think that they just think it's better, we had 16 eggs and wanted to know what happened to the other 11 and so they told us, I think it's great. I also want to say that my Dr did not say that it was a freak of nature at all, he just said that he didn't think that it was suitable to use, I called it a freak of nature.

Erin sweetie, I really feel for you, your Dr does sound like he doesn't give you all the information you require, some Dr's do that, I've been to many. IVF is a huge thing, maybe think of changing your Dr if you can? The reason your embryo's didn't take or weren't good quality could be totally different to the reasons some of ours didn't, if you need to know then tell him to tell you straight out what the problems were? Thanks for the well wishes, I truly pray your next IVF goes better....Hugs xxx

Anyway, with that cleared up - I'm off to the couch!! Love to you all....

My little two...

I'm back from the transfer and am happy to say that everything went very well today. We met with the Dr. first and had a look at pics of our little embies, it was so nice to see. They didn't give me pics of them but said that I can get them if I bring them a fla.sh disk but he also suggested that we get that BFP first and I suppose he's right.

He said that our embies were "excellent" grade, they were all well rounded and had no fragmentations...i'll post a pic of them after my BFP ~ how's that for positive thinking!!

He showed us all 7 but also told us why he thought 2 weren't suitable for IVF, one was doing very well, infact it had about 6 cells in it but it had started off with only one cell (can't remember how he explained it) but basically he said that it didn't have a cell from the mother and the father to begin with but continued to grow (a bit of a freak of nature) so we couldn't use that one. The other one hadn't made any progress, it was in the progress of making another cell and stopped so was questionable. He explained what happened to the rest and I can't really remember it all but there was also one that had allowed two sperm to get into it which is not right either...wierd stuff.

We spoke to him about putting three in and he said that given my age and the grade of the embies he really didn't want to take that chance, he said that I would be high risk if I fell pregnant with tripletts and prolly wouldn't be able to carry them far enough. I succumbed because it has been on my mind quite a bit and agreed to put the two best embies back.

We put a 9 celled embie and a 8 celled embie back, they have given us a 60% chance of achieving a single pregnancy and a 40% chance of twins!! Woo hoo. The transfer wasn't bad at all, a bit like an IUI just a lot slower as they are more carefull, they did give me a pic of the scan as they injected the embies into my uterus which I will see if I can post next week. I cried a bit once it was done, they were happy tears off-course, my little embies are back where they are supposed to be!!

We had three left that we have chosen to freeze, they were all a bit slower than the two we put back and were all 4 celled embies. If we choose to use them one day then they will thaw them for two days before putting them back anyway which will give them a chance to grow.

I start my estra.pause tomorrow and carry on with folic acid, baby asprin (never been on that before but they recommended it) and prog.esterone until my beta and hopefully for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy due to my prog dificiency.

My beta is on the 22nd June, it's gonna be a long two weeks ladies...but I feel very positive, hopefully hope sticks around!!

Frank has already told me to take it easy, I have been told that there are to be:
No HPT's (I never use the damn things anyway, but maybe he thinks this is different)
No taking of temps (which I stopped months ago)
And....No, your boobs don't look bigger.....he's a funny guy!!

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts, here's to that BFP!!

Fert report #2

Lucky number 7 is today's mantra!! One of the ICSI ones never made it through the night, 7 is good tho, better than I could wish for actually.

I asked them about the grading and whether they were dividing on time etc and they said that the Dr. would discuss that with us in the morning...I can't wait!! They must be good, please let them be good :)

We have to be there at 8am tomorrow and then we'll see the Dr and discuss everything and how many we putting back and freezing etc, I think the transfer will only be done after 9'ish.

Everything down below is feeling much better now, still got a bit of backache and if I rub my tummy too hard then I can feel that it's still not 100% but it's all good. Only had a little bit of brown spotting which I was pleased about.

I really have a good feeling about our little 7, I know it's early but I'm starting to feel like we are getting closer to the end of our long journey, am I pushing my luck hoping that my first IVF works?? It seems a little cheeky to me actually but I can't help but look around blogland and see that it's worked for others....so why not us?? Everything has been moving along really well through this IVF, I'm scared to hope that it's all been too good, but maybe this is just what we needed?

Okay so, we have a +- 50% fert rate which means that the fertilsation maybe wasn't the problem, maybe it was my tubes, the acidity or even the endo...don't think we'll ever know but I'm thinking that the sperm and egg just never got to meet, I mean really...like I was saying to Frank yesterday, out of 27 cycles....if the sperm and egg where meeting surely something would have happened? Anyway, it really doesn't help over-analysing things (it's one of those I AM things about me tho), right now...I am just extremely happy that things are going well. It's so nice to see my husband happy and relaxed too, he keeps on telling that I'm going to be his pregnant wife soon :) How sweet...thank you babe! I'm praying that you right!

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, IVF has a way of making you think, this is definately a stressfull process, the waiting to see if your little embies survive the night is really hard, I'm thinking this 2ww is going to be madness!! I feel so helpless, everytime I think about them I want to be there, to watch them grow and just know that everything is okay, it's wierd knowing that Frank and I have finally created something together and it's growing outside of me right now....it's strange, I already feel protective and want them all to be okay...obviously I know that we wont have 7 children out of them and that makes me sad too.

I feel a bit wierd saying all this stuff out loud, but I know that you girls will understand, it's all just so overwhelming. I love my husband so much just thinking that part of him and me have finally come together (not that I don't always love him but this is a special thing for me), I am so proud of our little embies for doing there thing, I can only hope and pray that we get some babies out of our precious little 7!

Will let you know how tomorrow goes...till then :)

Fert report #1

Well all I can say is that was one of the longest nights ever, I woke up every hour thinking about our little embies and praying that they would be okay.
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I finally plucked up the courage to phone them at about 10 past 10 this morning and you'll all be happy to know that this was the first time I've cried since my retrieval, I was soooo nervous, this is hard-core stuff!!
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Our first fert report went as follows:
Out of 16 retrieved, 10 were done the normal IVF way and 6 with ISCI..
4 fertalised normally and we've got 2 possibles from the IVF batch
1 fertalised normally and we've got 1 possible from the ICSI batch
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So that's 5 normal and 3 possibles, I am praying that all 8 carry on doing their thing to make nice strong embies!!
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I couldn't be happier, of-course I know that we still have 2 nights to go until transfer but so far so good eh? The ICSI result was a bit surprising as I expected more to fertalise with ICSI than natrually but there you have it...things are not always as they seem.
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Frank is so sweet and stayed with me until I phoned them, that was great as I just cried when I got off the phone, he just held me and told me that it was excellent news and that we've done very well and we have, we going to have a baby out of these embies, I can feel it in my waters!!
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I must also say that the staff at Vita.lab are wonderfull, they made me feel so at ease yesterday and I wasn't in a rush to get out of there like I normally am, this morning the nurse was so sweet and told me to carry on drinking water, using my meds and try and relax because I've done very well. When I came out of theatre yesterday they had written on my hand...."16 eggs, well done" with a little smiley face...that really made my day!
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Well girls, that's about it from me, I am still feeling a bit bloated and sore but i'm sure this will go away in the next few days (thanks for the advice on staying home Sarah, you were right)
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Thanks for all your love and support guys, it really does help having so many wonderfull people in my corner! Hugs for all of you.
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On another note, you will all be happy to hear that Bumble is doing just fine, enjoying her time away and it also looks like she's getting a bit of the old morning sickness, she's 6wks1day today and things are moving along nicely....Thank you God.
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Stay tuned for tomorrow report on Frank and Tam's little embies....we already love them!

They got 16!!

Today is a good day!! I am back from my retrieval and am very happy to report that they got 16 eggs!! Frank and I are both very pleased.

I slept through the whole thing and was a bit sore when I came out...feels a bit like very bad period pain. Feeling okay now just tired and bloated and just a little crampy but it was all worth it!!

...

They have decided to do ICSI on some of the eggs even tho the sperm quality was good today, they didn't say how many so we'll see what they say tomorrow. I have to phone them at 10am tomorrow for the fertalisation report so I'll let you all know then. I am praying that we get a good fert rate and that everything goes okay until they can be put back.

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I start my progesterone tomorrow already, twice daily....thought it was a bit strange that they start you on it before the transfer but I'm not questioning anything as I'm sure they know what they are doing!!

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Please pray that my little embies do their thing and that tomorrow brings good news, for now...I'm off to shower and then the couch!!

It's almost time...

Hey gals, thanks for all your lovely comments about my liddle follies....and for sending "growing follie vibes" - it seemed to do the trick. As of yesterday, there where still 13 dominant follies mostly measuring between 18mm and over 20mm, there were a another bunch that have come up but they never measured them so I suppose tomorrow might be a surprise!! My lining was a nice 10.7!!! I don't think i've ever had such a nice thick lining before!

I triggered at 8pm last night, so my last stim was Saturday and my last Lucrin was yesterday morning...I had one more set of bloods this morning to check my progesterone post trigger numbers and so now I wait for tomorrow morning and no more needles for a while....woo hoo!!

I go in at 7 and they'll prep me and everything for retrieval at 8am sharp!! I'm feeling okay actually, I haven't really thought about it too much and slept okay last night, the pain is a bit strange today, was worse last night but seems to have moved a bit lower today. I am at work finishing everything off in case I'm not feeling too hot after the retrieval.

Transfer will be on Friday so it will be a 3 day transfer which is fine with me. We spoke to the doctors about ICSI yesterday and have decided to wait until tomorrow to see how many eggs we get and what quality the sperm is - so I'll let you know what we decided to do after the retrieval.

Our clinic makes you wait 13 days until your beta so if nothing changes then my beta will be on 21st June, not a bad day to find out that you're pregnant hey!! I'm trying to be really positive about all this but must say that I am not looking forward to this 2ww!! To answer your question Leah....nope, I wont be POAS at all, I do have one at home but will try and stay away from it, I hate those damn things!!

Last reflexology session tonight aswell to just get them all ready....I'll let you all know how the retrieval goes...wish me luck!!

Once upon a time there were 13 liddle follies...

Yup...that's correct ladies...we have 13 liddle follies on the go!! They are measuring from 12mm and 13mm so still have a little way to go, my lining was a lovey 9.3mm so that's good too!! I have 6 follies on my left ovary and 7 on my right (I'll never say I have lazy right ovary - ever never ever again!!)

Of-course I have no idea how they even count the damn things, it seems so fast and I'm sure that they can't count all of them anyway so I suppose the retrieval will reveal all...so to speak.

I had to have E2 bloods again today to see if that's still within range and then they would decide whether to increase/decrease my dosage, bloods came back (don't ask as they didn't tell) and they decided to keep me on 225iu for the next two days, next scan is on Sunday. Woohoo, I get to sleep in tomorrow!!

Sunday will be day 9 of stims and I'm sure it will be trigger day too but if it's not it's okay as we've paid for 10 days of stims anyway, I'm also going for reflexology tomorrow so she work her magic and then we'll see what Sunday brings, I must say that I am very pleased with my ovaries and very excited to see what the next few days bring.

I hardly slept last night, I tossed and turned all night worrying about what today would bring, I didn't expect such good results, I was up early this morning....(**WARNING TMI**) and nearly shat myself (it was a good thing I was on the toilet having a pee) when I got a huge chuck of EWCM when I wiped, now that really worried me and I thought that maybe they had left things too late and my eggs where about to explode, luckily I was wrong again. I'm still getting loads of EWCM now and I don't think i've ever seen so much of the stuff in my life before, I sms'ed my sweet friend Bumble who told me that it was okay - I love her to bits, she's such a sweetie and always there when I need her!

Okay, enough of that....today, I am happy and excited!! Roll on Sunday!!

Day 7 Stims...Feeling better!

I just want to thank you all for your sweet comments (and for not rolling your eyes) yesterday, you are all very sweet and quite frankly I am not sure what I would do without you chicks!! I love you guys!!

I wanted to pop in and say that I am feeling much better emotionally today, I am still sore and bloated but have come to accept that this is prolly a good sign and that I should just quit complaining. So, I’m feeling much much better and a little more positive than yesterday…everything is going to be just fine, we are going to see lots of follies right on track tomorrow.

My hubby is so sweet and also made me feel much better, he took me out for a quiet dinner and then we went home and had a shower together and just had some much needed “us” time. It was quite sweet actually, we were chatting about how nice things will be once we get this IF thing right, we planning on building a new house and we were chatting about play rooms and babies rooms and whether we gonna have twins or just one. I also told him that if this IVF cycle works that our baby/babies will be due just before our anniversary – and just after his birthday and he was saying that that would make them aquarius and how nice it would be as I’m surrounded by aquariun’s in my life and he is surrounded by Leo’s – apparently a perfect match!! It’s so nice to day-dream sometimes.

We also chatted about how many embies we would like to put back, I was thinking two and he was thinking three, yes, I know….we are getting ahead of ourselves here, but you have to have hope figure in to this somewhere…anyway, I was saying that I’m not sure if our clinic will allow us to put three back, also…I know I can do twins but somehow the thought of triplets scares me something silly (even tho I know that we’d prolly just be improving our chances of one taking and that the likelihood of all taking is low). Of-course none if this really means anything now as we’ll have to wait and see how many eggs fertalise and what kind of quality they are etc before making these decisions but it’s nice to know what’s floating around in his head sometimes.

Bumble, I’m trying to stay at work as much as possible as I would really like to take some time off after the retrieval and possibly after the transfer, so far they have been very understanding but I don’t want to push my luck.

LJ, Frank has had quite a few SA’s done and they all came back fine (except for the first one which seemed to be a lab/doctor problem) so ICSI is not a must but we are worried that for some reason the eggs just don’t fertalise (which wont be a first even with no sperm issues), we don’t get any help here as far as health coverage is concerned so we’d like to get the best out of our first IVF as the cost here is pretty steep.

Scan tomorrow ladies, i'm all set…got a "brazillian" wax this afternoon (yeah, i'm a sucker for punishment) to make sure we all nice and neat for upcoming events and spending a quiet girls evening at home as Frank is out tonight...

Day 6 Stims and the not-so-easy stuff...

Okay, so it seems the easy stuff is on it’s way out the window…lookout, here comes the not-so-easy part!!

As of this morning at about 3am, my ovaries started hurting like hell, they hurt when I walk, they hurt when I sit, they hurt when I don’t lie on my back, they hurt when my bladder is full and they hurt when I pee!! It’s official, I am a woes…I have very sensitive ovaries and could feel a cyst from a mile away (okay, I missed the last one but I knew something was wrong and to be fair, this one wasn’t like the others…it disappeared on it’s own and wasn’t stubborn like the others!) – I also could feel that there was more than one egg when doing Femara, so I should have expected this really and I did….just not so soon. Damn sensitive ovaries!!

I’m only on day 6 of stims, surely I shouldn’t be so bloated (I look pregnant and everyone is staring at my tummy – and I have my “fat pants” on!!) and sore?? I actually just feel like shite, my head is sore and so is my back.

Don’t get me wrong and don’t you dare roll your eyes at me (pretty please)…this is good, right? I am just a woes.

It’s just that yesterday I started wondering if everything is going to be okay, I’m getting really scared now, all of a sudden it just feels so much more real, the worst thing is that it’s not just one thing I’m scared of, it’s a shitload of stuff and while I know that this is normal, I can’t help but feel scared and very alone right now. I know that I’m not alone, I have my hubby (who is being so supportive and loving and all that I can wish for right now) and I have you guys but you all know how this feels….

One more day to go before my scan, I also think that if things down yonder are anything to go by then my retrieval will probably be earlier than expected or…..maybe not. As long as everything’s on track and there are lots of follies and they are growing nicely. I have another reflexology session on Sat to see if we can make them grow a little more and then I’ll see her the day before my retrieval as well, thing are right on track this is how it's supposed to be, so why am I so scared?

Things are gonna be okay….right?

Day 4 stims...

It’s day four of stims dare I say….so far so good. I have had some side effects from the drugs, one being a headache that didn’t want to budge for most of the weekend…

I’m feeling good today, just a slight headache…I was a nauseous this morning but I think that has something to do with the Anti-biotics that Frank and I are on as he has been complaining about an unhappy tummy.

I am also happy to announce that as of today I have been feeling some “twitches” down yonder, mainly on the right side which is my un-happy half working ovary…I must say that this is quite exciting and I am really looking forward to my scan on Friday, I am sure there are going to be loads of little follies by then!!

The injections are going well, not really that bad…I’m starting to get little bruises on my tummy now which is to be expected I suppose, as long as they doing their job then I’m a happy little camper!!

I am also happy to tell you all that I am feeling much better since starting the Meno.pur, not half as moody as I was last week….I think Frank is breathing many sighs of relief! I was talking to a friend this weekend and found myself telling her that IVF isn’t half as bad as I thought it would be (besides the moodiness), I was really scared of doing this but I have really had it quite easy up until now….so I just wanted to tell you ladies that are still heading this way, it could be much worse. Of-course I do know that this is the easy part, I’m sure as we get closer to retrieval things may get a little harder and waiting to see how many eggs we get and whether they fertalise or not may be really scary but so far it’s been easier than I thought it would be…there is a light at the end of this tunnel and for once I don’t feel like it’s an on-coming train!!

Aunt Flo has already left, she really didn’t stay long this time round…hopefully it’s her way of saying good-bye for the next 9 months….let’s hope....

Day 1 Stims...

Aunt flo came yesterday afer much anticipation!! And so I am on CD2 today and that means the start of Stims!! I've just arrived back from the doctors and am pleased to say that I got it wrong (again)... when they gave me all the info for the IVF it said that there would be Meno.pur x 3 for 10 days...and so, like a doofus and someone who hasn't done injectables before, I thought that it would be 3 injections a day, I was wrong....it's only one injection of Meno.pur a day....but 3 ampules of Meno.pur in one, so that actually makes it 225iu of Meno.pur daily. They also gave me the choice of having a intra-muscular or sub-cu injection, I chose the sub-cu (obviously). Anyway, so i'll be doing those and still be doing my Lucrin shots daily.

I must say that the Meno.pur injections aren't as pleasant as the Lu.crin as the needles are a bit thicker and blunter so they feel like they going through leather when piercing the skin and they burn when the liquid goes in. I think these ones are going to leave bruises...oh well. I've also got a slight head-ache already but I think I'll just try and increase my fluids, all in all...really not as bad as I thought...I CAN DO THIS!!!

Had a scan too and that was all fine, had to have more blood tests too and have been given a script for Antibiotics for Frank and I to start. My scan is on CD9 (next fri) to see how the follies are doing and to decide how many more days I need stimms for, so they've given me a huge pack of needles and meds etc for another 6 days, the morning of CD9 I have my Lu.crin and they scan me and then they give you the Meno.pur daily from then on (if you need it) until about CD11, retrieval will then be two days later so should be around the 5th or 6th of June, things are moving along nicely now!!

Other than that life has been quiet, I’ve been feeling quite emotional and have been very moody over the last week but they said that I should start feeling better now that my ovaries are allowed to start doing something…

I am scared about a few things but I keep trying to remind myself that loads of women have been through IVF (and succeeded) and that I am not the first to feel this way, it’s all going so fast anyway so I’m sure that before I know it we going to have two or more embies on board.

We haven’t decided on the ICSI yet, it’s still a constant niggle at the back of my mind but I’m trying not to think about it until closer to the time, right now I just wanna make some nice follies!!

Grow follies….please grow nice and strong for us…

8 Random things about me....

• I am not just a control freak…I am a little bit obsessive compulsive, now don’t get me wrong – I don’t go around double checking doors and windows, I trust that if I’ve switched the stove off that I have and don’t have to check again BUT I do make sure that everything I wear is colour coded…for instance when I come home at night and have a shower, I get into my jammies and when I get into my jammies I make sure that if my jammies are pink that I have pink underwear and pink socks and a pink elastic in my hair, now this gets rather difficult at times but if I can’t match the colours then I don’t wear them. I’m not quite as bad with normal clothes but do tend to try and match my underwear & jewelry to what I am wearing. Frank and his friends think that this is hilarious and they always tease me about it. Everything has it’s place in my house, if anything is out of place then it drives me crazy, Frank is forever telling me to leave things and just sit down but it bugs me until I do it…



• I have very sensitive ears, I am forever getting ear infections. I hate a persistent noise, like blinds blowing in the wind (I have to get up and close the window) and crickets in the summer….in fact I sleep with cotton wool in my ears or my pillow over my head most of the summer, they drive me absolutely dilly. I’ll say to Frank, “Oh can you hear those crickets, they so loud” and he actually has to strain to hear them, he just blocks it out and I never can. I have had many sleepless nights over crickets, I hate the damn things!!



• My very first love was only when I was 15, we dated for almost 4 years before we broke up, I thought I would spend forever with him….I then went on to date a good friend and we dated for 4 years as well and eventually got engaged, that relationship was doomed for many reasons and I am so glad that I never married him….both these relationships taught me a lot about what I wanted out of life….I took out all the bad things and kept only the good and married Frank who has made me happier than any of them ever could!!! I also knew Frank for 5 years before we started dating and we met at work….



• I had a brief period of depression where I was on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets every day, I lost a huge amount of weight and had to see a physcologist for quite some time, this taught me a lot about life and although it was hard to go through, I am grateful for the experience, it also taught me the you can fight anything if you have the will to do so, sometimes you need to get up and dust yourself off no matter what, we all have the strength hidden inside us!!



• I went to 13 school’s growing up, my parents where always on the move between JHB and Durbs, it was hard but somehow I managed to pass every standard (grade) with okay’ish marks. It was hard moving all the time and leaving my friends behind but I also think that’s why I fit in so well with people that I don’t know and I make friends quite quickly too. I only have one school friend that I still keep in touch with as a result of this…she was a bridesmaid (the middle one) at my wedding…

• I sleep with a pillow next to me, it’s a childhood thing – it doesn’t matter whether Frank is there or not, my pillow is always on my one side (the side Frank doesn’t sleep) – I just can’t sleep without it there…I try and take an extra pillow with me on holiday too….wierd I know.


• I have a sixth sense when it comes to friends and family being pregnant, I either have a dream that they are or I just get a feeling and 9 out of 10 times I am right, sometimes before they even know. It doesn’t work with everyone, just people that I am close to…it’s very weird and only started about 3 years ago, I have spoken to a Reiki master about this and she says that it’s just because I so desperately want to be pregnant that I sense if others are….believe it or not….another weird thing.


• I am terribly scared of heights and get the most terrible vertigo, it’s terrible because it seems to be getting worse since I’ve gotten older. I have problems with escaltors now days too. I don’t like flying either, I’ve only flown twice but don’t think it’s anything I’ll ever enjoy…

That’s part of me in a nutshell, some useless info….

Started getting that heavy feeling, cramps and backache today…I think Aunt Flo is on here way….wooo hooo!

Cycle update

I finished my BCP on Sunday so am waiting for AF as we speak….I am also on day 6 of my Lu.crin injections already, time seems to be flying now. Frank has been such a sweetie and so good with the injections, they really do make us proud. I am such a woes when it comes to these things but Frank is so calm and steady, I couldn’t believe it when they made him do the very first injection, she just showed him how to put the mixture in the syringe and instructed him how to do it and he did it with no problem at all. What a sweetie!!

The shots are really not bad at all, they not the nicest thing around but I could really think of worse aswell. They don’t leave any marks or bruises at all which is nice I suppose, they really just go right under the skin and not straight in like I imagined….I was sitting at my desk this morning thinking about how normal I am feeling, I know many people have said that Lu.crin turned them into a big puddle of tears and so I was sitting thinking about how nice it is not have many side effects, I have the od twinge in my abdomen now and again and my boobs are still killing me but that’s about it, oh and I have a tad more CM than I normally have but other than that I have escaped quite well….so far….so I thought….

Now, like I said in my I am post…I am strong and have a mind of my own but when it comes to work and certain things in life, I just plod along and do what others want of me just to keep the peace or be nice….I have been working in this position for about 3 years now and get along with everyone very very well, I do as much as I can and more just to make others lives pleasant and less care free, I am a very fast learner and therefore have learnt all the systems and parts of others jobs…to my own detrement, I say this because I am constantly being asked to help with something or fill in for someone etc. This has been fine and has sometimes gotten to me but generally I am happy go lucky….but I have finally had enough and like I was saying to a friend of mine, I am not sure if it’s that or if it’s the hormones, anyway….I put them in their place today and said that from now on I have my own work to do and will not be “helping them out” anymore and that it that. So needless to say, I am not in their good books anymore and quite frankly my dears, I don’t give a damn. Take that you lazy mofo’s!!!

I was reading Adrienne’s post yesterday and just want to say that I am so sad, sad and angry for all of us having to travel this road, it’s shit. Adrienne is battling with the IVF decision after another failed cycle, go over and give her a virtual hug. I can’t say how much I wish that we were all somewhere else in life and that this was not our cross to bear, I so wish that we didn’t have these decisions to make about whether or not to do IVF and wondering whether we are making the right decisions and whether the odds that they give us are enough. It made me think that even tho we made the decision to do IVF really quickly – it may have seemed like an easy choice for us – but I am still really sad that we’ve had to go this route and scared, scared of all the possibilities and all the things that can wrong, I am also scared of the failure that might come at the end but I have to keep reminding myself that this was one choice that was easier to make than to stop. It was either IVF or stopping, I couldn’t handle doing more IUI’s – I had no faith in them anymore anyway…this is a shit choice to make but for most of us there is no other choice and we just need to hope and pray that for once we will be in the positive part of those odds.

I have also been tagged to post 8 random things about me…I will get to that…promise!

I've got mail and other stuff...

I have received 3 post cards from ladies in the Braces bunch!! Thanks so much ladies…I’m getting on top of sending mine, I promise…life has been hectic lately.

I have also decided to join the ladies in their quest to give up caffeine (thanks to Stickybun)…..my reflexologist advised that I only drink one cuppa a day once starting my Lu.crin, no Rooibos for me as it’s too acidic, no green tea (way too much caffeine) and no normal tea either….so, it’s water and watered down fruit juice for me from today. She said that I can still drink a tea called “Honeybush” so I might try doing that….I also have to increase my fluid intake to 3 litres a day once starting my Lu.crin so getting used to all this is going to a bit of a mission, I have already cut down to one cup of coffee a day and drink around 2 litres of water a day anyway so we’ll see how it goes….

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Other than that I am feeling fine (except for the fact that I hardly slept last night and I could have slept for another hour and a half at least but here I am), a bit nervous about todays Dr's visit but also excited too. I was also wrong about another thing, I have to finish the two pills in the red section on the other side of the pack aswell, so all in all….I’ll be on BCP for 21 days…I figure AF will take two or three days to show her face so I expect to start my meno.pur sometime next week…things are moving along here ladies….this train goes way faster than I expected!!! I have also started yogalates (a mix of yoga and pillates) three times a week and am seeing my reflexologist once a week until my ET…other than that life is just dandy!

I still have excruciatingly sore boobies which nothing seems to help, but I think it’s just from the BCP...

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Frank also told me for the first time that he is scared of doing this IVF, the other night we were lying in bed just cuddling and talking and he said it, I was actually taken aback a bit because it came from no-where…all of a sudden…"Babe, I’m scared of doing this IVF" and so I asked why (duh, prolly the same friggin’ reason’s I’m scared but I’m not the brightest at the best of times) and he said that he’s scared the it doesn’t work, he’s scared of not being able to afford it soon again, he’s scared of more hurt and he’s scared for me – scared that I’m not going to be okay if this fails….I almost cried but for a change I just held him and said that it was all going to be okay and we will be, we will be okay…somehow we’ll get through this like we always do, together.

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I think that it’s finally starting to hit home now, my BCP is almost finished and it’s injection time…he’s worried about me, how I’m going get through all this but I’m stronger than he thinks and I have him to love me and I have you guys too….I’m extremely thankful for all that.

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I've also been very busy organising a (work - from our company) baby shower for a friend at work, it's been difficult (not for my own selfish reasons) but because she's so damn picky...this is her second baby and she know's exactly what she likes and doesn't like and you would think that's easy...well, it's not. It's been a rather trying experience for me and thankfully it'll be over by the end of the day!! I'm really not as patient as I used to be with people. Then I have her home baby shower to attend this weekend and another one after that (my cousin and his 15yr old girlfriend are expecting next month - yeah - nice one, don't let me even start on that one)...so my weekend is going to be rather interesting but I'll be strong and get through with a smile on my face - even if it is a fake one!!!

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Excuse all the dots in between the lines, if I don't do that then everything is merged into one...oh the joy of technology, Frank says that there is a setting that is wrong but nothing has changed - damn computers!!

Putting all my eggs in one basket??

I have spent the last few days in a bit of a daze, all this info is floating around in my head and I’ve really tried not to over-analyze everything too much…now that really takes ultra control on my part and is not easy for me.

And then I got the phone call this morning from Christina, our nurse at Vita.lab saying that she had spoken to one of the IVF doctors and he said that if we want he is happy to do ICSI on half our eggs – flat spin, oh fuck what to do, what to do. So, I said thank you *.

Another thing I discovered yesterday whilst looking at my IVF paperwork and protocol details is that I started BCP on CD4 (because that’s what the other nurse told me to do the day I went for my bloods) anyway, I was supposed to start on CD3 according to Christina’s paperwork, I told Frank and he said that he was sure that it made no difference, well…I happened to think it did and so when Christina phoned me this morning I asked her about it and just clarified when I should go for my first Lu.crin shot, she said that I should start Lu.crin a day later (mmmm, I was right again, take that Frank!!) and then said, so we’ll see you on Thursday then, I was like “huh, I thought I was supposed to come on Tuesday then, I’ll be on CD19 then already and then she proceeded to explain to me that I must start my Lu.crin on the 18th day on birth control and not the 18th day of my cycle….oh, light switch – this is complicated stuff!! So anyway, I start my Lu.crin injections on Thursday next week then. I will have 1 BCP left then and hopefully it wont take too long for AF to show (never thought you’d hear me say the eh?).

Now, that’s all fine, I’ve worked things out best I can and it seems that I will have my ER and ET in the first week of June (we all know that this can change)….geez, that’s like just around the corner, my dilemma*, however ~ is now deciding whether to do ICSI at all. You see, when we had out IVF appt the other day, I spoke to Christina about it and she that with a case like ours they shouldn’t need to do it and that my eggs should have no problem fertilizing at all as there is no male factor involved…however, we have learnt differently here in blogland (we just have to look at Bumble and Sarah to see that you don’t need to have a male factor involved for the eggs not to fertilize)…she also went to on say that the success rates are lower with ICSI and that once you start fiddling with the eggs you can’t be sure that they are going to survive the procedure…so now, dear friends here in blogland, I am confused, I have no idea how I feel about this whole thing…I actually prefer not being given a choice sometimes.

I think that what we need to do is speak to the Dr and get his opinion for one and for two, we need to wait and see how many eggs we get, if we get a decent amount then there will be no question, obviously if the rest fertilize naturally then we’ll use those first but at least we wont be putting all our eggs in one basket, so to speak. Please let me know what ya’ll think and what you guys would do given the choice, I really value your opinion…

Oh Oh, I have sore-est (yes, I know that's not word) boobies that I have ever had, now I know real boobie pain, friggin hell, they hurt not having anything against them and they hurt having something against them, geez man I had a terrible nights sleep because of the damn things, must be the pill...

IVF Protocol

I have finally had my IVF appointment and must say that I am relieved that I now have a plan...in writing that is...it goes something like this:

CD4 - Start Minu.lette (BCP)
CD18 - Start Lu.crin injections (in tummy)
CD22 - Take last pill
CD25 - Period starts
CD26 - Start Meno.pur injections (stimms) 3 x day
CD34 - First scan to check follies
CD36 - Possibly last day of Meno.pur injections
CD36 - Pre and post trigger E2 & P4 Bloods
CD37 - Possibly last Lu.crin injection
CD38 - Trigger
CD40 - Egg Retrieval
CD43 or CD45 (depending on embie quality etc.) - Embryo transfer
Cylco.gest (prog) from day after transfer (twice daily) until Beta
Estra.pause from day 5 after transfer until Beta
Beta - 13 days after transfer

They don't use Gon.al F...strange, but all clinics are different, they haven't given me the dosage of the Mono.pur but I asked what the highest was and they said 6 injections a day so they starting me half way which isn't bad either, they may or may not change the dosage as time goes by....have to see how my ovaries react I suppose - She did say they normally get about 10-12 eggs on this dosage but it does differ from person to person.

So that's it gals, looks pretty simple and straight forward to me....I did ask them about doing ICSI on half the eggs but they said that they would only do that if there was a problem with the eggs or the sperm on the day, they also said that since the only problem is the endo and one narrowing tube (found this out today...how nice, they don't actually think the eggs were making it to my ute) the eggs should fertalise fine, they also told us that they only freeze the good quality eggs, which will be decided on the day of transfer. They do also do Assisted hatching if there is a need to...they will let us know, however they did say that most times they needed to do that with women older than me who's eggs are different...time will tell.

We also got a pleasant surprise, the whole IVF is costing about R8 000 less than what we expected, now that was a nice surprise. I am more than ready now and feeling on top of the world at the mo....roll on Lu.crin....first shot on monday!!!

My prayers tonight...

I am VERY happy to say that I am feeling much much better all of a sudden, nothing like a weekend of relaxing to sort me out. I am not nearly as teary and full of shit as I was last week and glad to say that the hormones feel like they are settling too! I’ve still been thinking about IVF a lot and have come to the conclusion that I am making way too big a deal about all of this and that I should choose to feel better about it and move on now, and so…that is what I aim to do. IVF….so what, I’m really just another statistic in this game we call infertility….I CAN DO THIS….it may still be scary and I may still have my off days but I will be fine and we gonna make loads of excellent quality embies and they gonna grow nice and strong and become our future babies – now take that!!

One more sleep to go until our IVF appointment, I really can’t wait, I like to know all the “in’s and out’s” uhem – so to speak – of what’s happening and when. I think (hope) that I’ll feel even better and a bit more in control…hehehe….yeah yeah, you don’t have to say it. I also realized this morning that I am half way into my BCP, only half a pack to go now, my goodness me…where is the time going?

On another, more stranger note….I have a little story to tell you all, it goes something like this:

Today I was sitting at my desk and in walked on of my colleagues, a lovely lady with whom I really don’t have many dealings but we chat (about the weather and arb things – nothing really personal going there) and I have never mentioned IF to her before, I have mentioned that I would like children one day but that’s about it….okay, mind wandering here….anyway, she came into my office and said that she thought about me while she was in church on the weekend…mmm, okay lady…you have my interest.

They were sitting in church and their pastor was telling them a story about a man that lived in a one horse town, a town that didn’t know about God, and somehow, one day he was told about God, so now that he had learnt about God and all that he could do, he wanted to tell everyone about our wonderful god, so every night he would pray to God and ask him for a bicycle, it was a simple request and every night he carried on praying for a bicycle and couldn’t understand why God did not answer his prayers. After all, the only reason he wanted a bicycle was so that he could ride and tell people about God. After months of praying he ran into a man, and the man said that God had sent him to speak to him about his bicycle, the man told him that God wanted to send him a bicycle but that there were so many bicycles to choose from and that God did not know which on he wanted, he said that he needed to be specific. And so he told God, he told him what colour he wanted and what make it should be and lo and behold he got his bicycle, he went on to tell the world about God and lived his dream. And so, you might be wondering (as I was) how this message made her think about me…well, she told me that she knows (through that lovely grapevine I mentioned in a previous post) that we are battling to have a baby and she wants to tell me that I mustn’t just ask God for a baby, I need to tell him that I want a baby before a certain date and that it must be twins/ a boy or a girl etc, I need to stop beating around the bush and be specific about what I want…nice thought and so I’m going to give it a try….tonight, I am going to ask God for a baby, just one baby (if he wants to give me two at once then great), I am going to ask him to make this IVF work and that I want all my embies to survive so that I have a second chance one day. I’m going to tell him that I don’t want to spend another Christmas wondering when my baby/ies will come, I want to be pregnant this Christmas. We’ll see how this works, I’m ready to try anything and the thought is sweet….whad’ya think gals?

Also, can somebody explain this eating pineapple thing to me, I’ve heard of it but haven’t quite got the jist of it?? Anyone?

Humph - Peanut Grumbles :(

I can’t really begin to explain the way I feel about things lately, I’ve been okay really, just really quiet and wanting to be alone with my thoughts and even my thoughts don’t really know why. It’s not like I really have much to think about, I’ve made all the decisions I need to make for now and so, life should just go on as normal….and it is, which feels strange. It’s quite amazing how we expect IVF to be a whole lot different (well I did anyway). Granted I’m not in the “throws” of IVF yet, this is the easy part I suppose, nothing to control for a change...aha...now there's my problem *sigh*

I’m really feeling pretty normal, BCP doesn’t really have an effect on me at all, in fact…when I went off BCP the only difference was that I started gaining weight and haven’t been able to lose it all…..I’ve started Weigh less now so am starting to loose weight slowly….(excuse me while my mind wonders to all the corners of my brain)

I am however feeling very tearfull*, I’m really not sure why, don’t know if it’s the hormones from BCP or if it’s the fact that I’m just really sad about a lot of stuff ~ having to do IVF at all, the failure of my last IUI and the fact that so many people feel sorry for me and don’t stop telling me that. I’ve had it damn it, I wish they would just all leave me alone and go on with their lives, everyone keeps asking me how I am, I AM FINE, NOW FUCK OFF!!! Frank says that I am being way too sensitive and that people just care, now I have an answer to that too ~ I have loads of patience with people that care about me, the ones that REALLY CARE (fellow infertiles etc.) and to those I will bear my soul, I will tell them that I’m not so sure as I sound, that yes, this is so fucking difficult and unfair but that I will be okay ~ and then there’s the rest, the rest of them that have heard through the grapevine that “oh dear, poor Tam and Frank – you know, they need help having a baby” and the others that love to gossip and run off and tell everyone and the ones that just love sticking there nose in your business because “you know, I knew someone once…yada fucking yada”

* I sound angry, I sound bitter - Am I? Oh fuck, fuckity fuck, fuck and fuck again.

No really, I will be fine, I know deep down that we are making the right choice, of-course we are and really, what is the point in waiting when I know that’s the road we gonna take and we sure as hell weren’t trying IUI again (even tho there is proof that they work – hey Bumble). It’s just that I thought that I had made peace with having to do IVF and a small part of me has, I’m just so pissed that we have to do it at all…for a change I just want to be like the rest of the people in the world – you all know them well – the ignorant ones that fall pregnant with just one look from their husbands!!! Fucking woo hoo bitch!

I am on CD8 today, so only really only 5 days into BCP which means I really still have a while to go until the real stuff happens, like before…I am sure that by that time I will be better and I will be ready and I will be hopefull. Apparently I start Lu.crin on the 16th May, by then I will be CD20 of my cycle and with only 3 days to go on BCP, not sure yet how long I stay on Lu.crin for and when AF actually comes but that we find out on Tuesday afternoon, along with the rest - estimated dates, other drugs and bloods and most importantly how much this is all gonna cost.

I start reflexology on Saturday and will be going weekly until retrieval, I’m pretty much keeping everything else the same (taking EPO, Zinc, Calcium & Magnesium & folic acid)– maybe I’ll cut down of coffee a little (I only have about 2-3 cups a day anyway - is that too much)…and I’ll start doing yoga at home again…any other ideas?

I'm sorry I'm feeling so sorry for myself, someone just tell me to get it together, woo fucking hoo, so what I'm doing IVF - loads before me have had to and they have survived it. Fuckin get a life peanut...I promise my next post will be better - I'll be better and I wont swear so much :)

It's official, we starting IVF...

As of today we have finally decided that we are going forward with our plans to do IVF straight away.

I went for my CD2 scan (all fine) and bloods today, more bloods on Monday and then the I start Min.ulette on Monday too. We go for our IVF appointment with the nurse on the 8th May to discuss the rest of the meds and the protocol they will use on me. This is scary stuff. I am very nervous but excited too. The main thing is that I really can't believe that we are about to start IVF....I mean WTF??

Anyway, I am feeling much better about things now and really looking forward to what the future brings. Frank is being rather quiet about the whole thing, the only thing he does say really is that he is glad that we are moving on and that we aren't doing anymore IUI's. I think men process things differently to us so when I ask him how he feels he just says that he hasn't really thought about it much ~ not like me, madam control freak!

Thank you again for all your support, I'm still gonna need lots of it and am very happy to have you all here with me throughout this journey :)