Taking a break....

This is wonderfull, we are taking a break, never have I been so happy to take a break before, I mean WTF, what if THIS is THE month? Oh well, it's better than losing my mind! It's not so bad, we drink, we have non-baby making sex, we drink, we have non-baby making sex and we drink. Ah, life is good.

We go and see my Dr and I feel fine, much better and I ask him what he thinks about me doing IVF? He tells me that with a case like ours, we know what the problem is, we know the sperm is good, we know you making eggs, we know your lining is good, everything is good. We know that the "pathway" the sperm goes through is a problem and we are trying to rectify that....the only thing we don't know is the quality of my eggs and for that we'll need to do IVF but we don't have to do that now...

To cut a long story short, he tells me that it's my descision - IUI or IVF, whichever but he reminds me that there are no gurantee's with IVF - yeeeessss, but it's a better chance. He tells me that there is no reason that the IUI's wont work for us and if you look at what we have accomplished in 5 months then I should be happy. I have only really done one medicated, properly planned IUI....the descision is mine. He is happy that we are going for councelling and taking a break...come back when you ready Mrs G. I love my Dr, I really do....but would someone just make this easier for me, just tell me what will work!!

We go and see a councellor, I don't even cry like I did in my dr's office, I am so fine it's just not funny. We talk about everything and she tells me that what I am feeling is normal...

• I am most certainly not a failure
• I am not broken
• It's not my fault that I can't do what others can do
• None of this is my fault and my husband loves me dearly
• I am not a freak because I can picture my baby growing inside me in the 2ww, I'm not a freak because I can picture them in my arms and feel my heart swell with more love than I can imagine....

I have a medical problem.

Okay, I know all this but it doesn't stop me from feeling this way. She tells me that I need to mourn what could have been every month, I need to let myself feel all of this....it's okay not to be okay all the time, Frank and I are going through a crisis, infertility is like a crisis....infertility is a lonely place, infertility changes me more than I care to admit, it's changed my husband and it's changed our marriage and it makes me sad. I don't like who it's made me, I want to go back, please take this away. I want my baby.

I am not depressed and I am strong and I can deal with this, I think a lot of what she said helped Frank see what this is like...I have a wonderfull husband and infertility has affected our marriage but not all of it is bad, it has brought us so much closer and it's not about me, it's about us now. Frank is very understanding and is always there for me, but sometimes men can't always understand the pain of a failed cycle, I think he does now.

So, I think i'm going to do another medicated IUI....I feel stupid for falling off the wagon but I need to think of it this way.....we've are now onto our 24th cycle, I have been seeing these Dr's for 5 months and in the five months that we have been seeing them, they have found and fixed more than many other dr's in the 18 months before, and during these 24 months, we have really only had 1 chance of falling pregnant, we need to give this another go....

Aunt flo has finally arrived after taking her jolly time...we taking this month off aswell, for many reasons but can't wait to get back on that saddle!!

Let's finish this story...

Okay, finally...let's get on with this...now...I'm boring myself here!

I have a lapscope to check for possible endometriosis and to investigate the tube thing and check everything else. I have my lap on the 21st Nov - I have stage II endo, which is removed. My ovaries and uterus are fine and so are my tubes, oh and I also have a progesterone deficiency so I'll be on progesterone for the last two weeks of any treatment cycle, we also discover that I have a stubborn right ovary, it responds very poorly so I O from my left side every month, this is from the three cycts that I have had removed from that ovary....yes, I am well and truly faulty....wait for AF to so another timed intercourse cycle....things proceed as follows:

• Dec 2006 - All goes well until PCT - Dr's are hoping that removing the endo will get rid of my "hostile mucus" problem - er...no such luck! Bicarb douche once again works for acidity but they discover after the 2nd PCT for this month that my mucus is also too thick and the poor little men can't move....stat IUI - this is O day....whoa, now this was a surprise....this cycle also ends with an BFN!!
• Jan 2007 - This time they try a medicated IUI - Femara from CD2 - CD6 - all going well...I have two follies on Trigger day - 15mm and 18mm - IUI done day before O and day of O - first day 180mil sperm with 30% motility and second day 180mil sperm with 50% motility - all going well....more than enough sperm and two eggs....yay, yay, yay! Progesterone "turkey baster jobs" started from 2dpo....here we go!! I have all the symptoms, i'm nauseous, tired, emotional, having friggin wierd dreams, boobs are killing me, I even have a temp rise on 14DPO....I tell you I'm pregnant....er no....I'm sorry Mrs Gardiner....your HCG (which is scheduled on 14DPO for every treatment cycle) was Negative, please come in again on CD2....

And so I lose it, I cry and I cry and....I cry. For four friggin days I am a basket case, it's never hit me so hard before, fuck! I skip work - now this is a new one, and I just don't see a way out of this. My husband is starting to think i've lost it, well yes, I think I did for a while there. On top of this all, I have stopped the progesterone but it delays AF by two days and I still have friggin hope, this is sad I tell you.....maybe they got the test wrong, maybe it's mixed up with someone else's....and then she comes....and I cry.

I phone the nurses at Vitalab and we speak about IVF - that's it - i'm doing IVF, stuff this 15 - 20% when I can get 60%!! I tell my husband we doing IVF, never again will I do an IUI...it's clear they not going to work for us! He nods and says yes. Oh and we taking a break and going for councelling, i feel like i'm losing my mind here! He nods and says yes.

I make an appointment to tell my Dr i'm sick of this playing around, bring out the big guns, I want IVF! I make a councelling appointment and we go away and take a break....

This is going to be a long road...

Just want to say thanks for all your prayers and well wishes for Greg, unfortunately there are not many more answers as yet. They did another brain scan yesterday and the scan showed that there is more bleeding on the brain and his brain is more swollen but in saying that they did the very first scan on the day of the accident, so it makes sense that the brain would've continued to bleed and swell for a while. I suppose they will do another scan tomorrow to see if it's the same, we are hoping that it's either the same or better as that means that the bleeding would have stopped. Greg is very agressive which apparently is very normal with this kind of head injury.

They have restrained him because he keeps pulling out the IV's etc but somehow he managed to get free and ripped out his catheter - this is really bad news as he has damaged his uretha and the urologist says that he'll have to insert another catheter but this one will need to stay in for a month to allow everything to heal, so all in all, this is going to be a very long road for all of us. Dr's aren't saying much as it's too early to tell if there is going to be permanent brain damage, if there is then he will have a speech problem and the motility on his right hand side will be affected but there are rehabilitation programmes for this. The good news is that Greg is talking and making sense, not all the time...sometimes he recognises people and sometimes not, the brain is a funny thing so no definate conclusion can be made as yet. He just wants to go home now and he doesn't realise how serious the injury is, he is asleep most of the time so only really talks between waking which doesn't last long. If he continues to fight then they will have to sedate him and intubate him which we are hoping wont happen. He will be in ICU for at least the next 10 days or so....

I spent the afternoon looking after the kids yesterday and my goodness they are a busy bunch! The seem to scatter and you can't watch all of them, thank goodness Frank's gran was with me and she could keep and eye on one of them....They are taking it quite hard and keep on asking for their Daddy, Jessica has asked Miggy to promise that Daddy will be okay - oh it just breaks my heart. They took the kids to see him and thankfully he slept through the whole thing, the Trauma Nurse says that it's important for them to see that he is okay and is getting better.

Other than that, AF is taking her sweet time, maybe it's just stress...need to finish my story of how we got to where we are....maybe this afternoon...

Prayers please....

First of all, I just want to say thanks for all your messages...still getting into this so will get to your blogs in due time....Thanks for the refferal Madam Bumble....hehe!

It has been quite a weekend...most of it was quite good, if not a bit too much alcohol induced but hey, that's what taking a break is for, none of this normal two week wait nonsense for me right now and I must say I really had a good go at it!!

But unfortunately it all has to end somewhere, hangover or not....we got a call early yesterday morning, from Frank's sister, to say that Greg (her husband) had been in a cycling accident and had been taken to hospital....she would let us know what happened. We then received a phone call 10 minutes later to say that he was quite bad...so of-course we rushed off to hospital.

We spent all day at the hospital, Greg is now in ICU after being operated on my a maxilo facial surgeon to try and fix his face a bit....38 stitches just on his face. He has been stitched everywhere else aswell, his hands and knees that where cut to the bone. He is now what they call stable, but they always tell you the worst case senario.

Greg has a severe head trauma, with bleeding on the brain. For now they can't tell us whether they will need to operate or whether the bleeding and swelling will increase, it is on the side of the brain that controls speech and right motor function so we'll have to see what the next few days bring. From the hospital we went to spend some time with their kinds as Miggy was staying at the hospital with him for the night, we bathed them, fed them, got them settled and into bed. Frank's mom stayed with them for the night, we are all shattered today and i'm sure it's going to be a very long week. They have three kids, Jessica is 8, Sarah is 7 and Ryan is only 3 (he turned 3 on Sat)....they are taking it like kids do, the one minute they are crying the next they are laughing. Ryan seems to be taking it quite badly, he doesn't understand what is going on and keeps on asking for his daddy.

Greg was supposed to ride his 10th Argus in two weeks, the doctor said that if he recovers from this then he doesn't ever want him on a bike again. They were riding a last "practice" race, They ride a tandem and where in the front of the pack on a downhill going about 70km/h whens someone clipped thier front wheel and they went down, it's unfortunate as Greg landed on his face just below is helmet. Andy (his brother) came away with a lot of cuts and scrapes and a dislocated finger, but emotionally is in quite a bit of shock as Greg was passed out and battling to breath until the paramedics got there.

Please pray for a good recovery for Greg and strength for his family to get through this.

Other than that, life goes on regardless.

Old faithfull is on her way, after all this time she thinks I can't feel her sneaking up on me, hey Aunt flo....I'm a pro at this!!

Onto Dr No.4 - will this be the lucky one??

My apologies to you all, i'm doing this in bits and pieces but it's jus that the story is so long that it's easier for me this way...

So, i am now fed up and want to see a real dr again, to hell with everyone. Someone told me about Vitalab - a place where they only specialise in infertility, in fact all they do is get you pregnant, they see you up until 9 weeks and then you are referred to a gynea, this, I think is where i need to be. So finally we see Dr Jacobson on the 13th October last year and of-course we have this huge questionaire to fill in...and we need to have all the tests done over again. We start with a "timed intercourse" (yeah right, you think I've been doing this for almost two years and I don't know when to do the deed)...Anyway....This is how it goes:

• Bloods for me and Frank to check for HIV & hepatitis - no hormone check for me as that one was okay...
• CD 2 - scan to check lining
• CD6 - HSG - left tube questionable - ouch!!
• CD7 - SA for Frank - super sperm!!
• CD9 - scan to check follie size - whoa lady - how long are your cycles....17mm follie - left ovary - trigger that night and nookie between 10 and 12 that night
• PCT reveals...very acidic so sperm is getting no-where near where it is supposed to be. Bicarb douche that night and nookie same time.
• O day - PCT reveals loads of sperm in cervix!!
• Bloods to check progesterone starting day after O and every three days thereafter until AF...oh how I love needles....

This cycle ended in a BFN....

Time to try something different...

Okay, so after the shock has worn off, we start reading about this sperm thing and as it turns out, one SA is not conlusive and you need to have another one to be sure - um, not ready for that yet...we also see that sperm can be fixed to a certain degree with diet etc...so, we decide to try accupuncture.

I find a wonderful dr - a naturopath that specialises in infertility - oh yay! So we start seeing this dr in July. He puts us on a special diet and says that I have a liver problem and seeing as tho your liver affects fertility too, we work on that - I go for cupping every week until he can start seeing changes....blood changes colour and toxins are reduced and I see to be reponding to treatment well. Frank has a prostate problem where his prostate sometimes becomes inflamed and so he treats Frank for that and the sperm issue....

Eventually he tells me that we are both healthy and that I should now be able to fall pregnant...and we wait and try...and we wait and try....

I lose my sense of humour yet again....and decide to move on.....once again.....sigh.

Reproductive Assistance - WTF??

Okay, so we are both in a bit of shock here, I'm thinking...friggin' hell, I knew that there was something wrong....but this...why couldn't it be something easy? (At this point, I'm still new at this, I think that there is an "easy infertility cure"....ha ha!)

My husband of-course is absolutely devastated, it's never easy being told that you are faulty and the main cause of your infertilty issues....so, we are referred to a fertility specialist. He looks at the sperm tests (without knowing anything about us at all - no bloods etc) and tells us that Frank has a "genetic" sperm problem and we will either need IUI or IVF to conceive and will never conceive natrually, geez budy - easy on us here...we're new at this for christ sake!!

He gives us a prescription for some vitamins and sperm aid for Frank, even tells us not to bother with another SA as the results wont change....mmmmm, and Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner, come back in September for the IUI....

Ja well no fine...

Oh yes, he wants to do a lapscope - lapscope No.3 to check my tubes, ovaries and uterus, so I have my lap in June. He removes a cyst (cyst No.3 from my right ovary) and tells me that my tubes are totally fine and no sign of any other problems....2 months and counting until IUI or IVF...or so we think....

Time for tests....

So, by now I was starting to loose my mind, I had been to my gynea to check that all my "insides" were okay (by scan), blood tests to check that I was indeed ovulating (which I was, every month without fail...your standard 28 day cycles at that!!) Everything looked just peachy....time for that dreaded SA...

My gynea phoned to say the the "fertility screening" bloods that he had done on me were fine and that all levels were within "normal" range - yeah right - what exactly may I ask is "normal"?? Anyway, moving on....the phone call then tells us that Frank has really bad morphology and that the count and motility is low too....that dreaded sentence "I'm sorry Mrs. Gardiner, by the looks of things you willl need reproductive assistance"....Oh dear, need I say more?

Where to start?

I am infertile. This feels like an AA meeting, but it takes some time to comes to terms with the fact and that word...infertile. Never in a million years did I ever think that that would say more than a thousand words about me but yet, it does....

Let's start from the beginning, I have always wanted Children and could never imagine getting married and doing everything the right way and not having children one day, they were always in the equation. Frank and I got Married in 2005 and I went of the pill a month after we were married, firstly to give myself a break from the pill (which I had been on for 10 yrs) and then to start a family...Frank was 30 and I was 26 so we thought that this would be a good age, why waste time if this is what we wanted? Of-course it never turned out that way, I went of the pill and we started trying straight away...

At first when it didn't happen, I just thought it was because my body hadn't adjusted yet, even though my cycles where regular straight away. Then I starting worrying, but Frank thought that we just needed more time and asked me to give it a year before we started seeing dr's and going for tests, which we did...

And then a year had past...