Peanut's Journey

We're moving....

2008-08-08T11:57:00.004+02:00

I think it's time we (Me, Frank and our little blasts) move, blogger has been a wonderful home to us, it has been a place where I've shared my deepest secrets with all of you, all my hopes and my dreams....

But it's time, time for change.....

Please join us at our new site where we are hopeful that our hopes and drams will become a reality and that I as type this, our lives are changing for the best....

http://peanuttam.wordpress.com/

See you all there!!

A new chapter...

2008-08-04T12:20:00.002+02:00

I'm 30 today....

Today marks the start of a new chapter in my life, I'm hoping that my little embies are implanting nicely in my waiting womb and that in 9 days time we get a positive Beta.

I'm feeling so much better than I was on Friday, in fact I felt better on Saturday already, I think that Friday was just too much and I had to get my head around it all before I felt better. I have to think that if they thought we could have a triplett pregnancy then something must be good, let's hope that Dr V is right about those little blasts, please God - let this be it!

I'm still feeling a bit detached for this whole process, I'm hopeful of-course but it all feels very strange. Abi is also keeping me busy so I suppose I don't really have the time to sit and obsess like I used to so it's so far so good.

The OHSS seems to be easing up a lot, i'm still a bit bloated but hardly have any pain anymore. Dr V still wants me to drink 4ltr of water a day for the next few weeks tho...which is a challenge but it's worth not having the pain.

I'm having a quiet day at home with little Abs, Frank had to work but we're going out for dinner tonight, I'm not having a a big 30th bash, i'm not in the mood so we just doing a quiet dinner on Friday night with some close friends.

Thank you all again for your kind words, you are all a great comfort to me and I love you all!

The other shoe...

2008-08-01T14:03:00.002+02:00

Ever heard the expression "waiting for the other shoe to drop"?

That's what life has felt like for Frank and I over the past few weeks, things have gone so well and this may sound really "half-glass empty" but we've kinda been waiting for the other shoe to drop, well this morning, it came hurtling down!

Now please, please, please don't get me wrong. I am gratefull that we've made it this far, I know that many of you don't ever get this far let alone with your own eggs but bear with me here, some of what I am feeling is hormone related....

Yesterday's fert report said 13 embies, 7 looking good...today, however was a different story. Dr V started off saying that he had a conversation at a conference once, it was about perfect day 3 embryo's being transferred but no pregnancy being achieved - the outcome was - grow the same embryo's to day 5 and see what happens. Now we know why no pregnancy was achieved with any of my other transfers....I have bad eggs.

Our embryo's are beautifull up until day 3 but today, today was a completely different story. 7 of the embies became blasts - which is good? No, they became awful quality blasts, the rest stayed alive and grew a few cells more but the fragmentation was very clear, not good embies at all. In fact the 9 cell that would have been a day 3 choice was terrible today...

There was one "excellent" (according to dr V & the embryologist) blast another two that could "make a baby" (their words, not mine) but weren't top class. That's it folks - 3 out of the 13 that were alive were transfer quality. I didn't mind not freezing any because we what we want to achieve is a pregnancy with a take home baby, not have embies in the freezer but we had to make a choice. Dr V was not happy transferring all 3, he said that considering my age and the fact that they were blasts, a triplet pregnancy could be on the cards, that means a high risk pregnancy.

Of-course my initial reaction was that I wanted all three transferred, Frank and Dr V disagreed - they won. We transferred the best two and the other was not freezing quality. I'm still wondering if we made the right decision, what happens if that one was "the one"? I know you girls get this, i'm feeling so uncertain.

Transfer went well, loads and loads of tears. Dr V says that should a pregnancy be achieved then the OHSS will flare up again but I can deal with that, I just want this to work. Acu afterwards helped me relax and now up off to the couch with little Abi.

Test is on 13.08.08.....

Our rugby team...

2008-07-31T10:22:00.003+02:00

According to Christina - we have a rugby team growing there! I couldn't be more pleased, today I was anxious - we've never gone beyond a three day before!!

This morning we have 7 that are looking wonderful and get this chickens - the other 6 are still growing too (no details on how many cells etc, we'll find that out in the morning)....so our little 13 are still going strong. Praise god!

On the OHSS front, I must say that I am feeling better today, not as sore but still bloated. Looks like the bedrest and lots of Abi-lovin' is paying off.

We have to be there tomorrow at 8....go my little ones, go!

Taking a chance...

2008-07-30T13:50:00.002+02:00

We saw Dr V today, we went in to discuss our plans for our little embies.

The choice was - freeze half and grow the rest to 5 days. As of this morning (3 days past ER) there are 14 little ones still growing, to say that I am amazed is really and understatement of note! Of-course they are not all on par with eachother....here is the breakdown:

1 x 9 cell
7 x 8 cell
3 x 6 cell
2 x 5 cell
1 x 4 cell

So as you can see, there are a few that they don't think will make 5 days and trying to pick which ones out of the 8 to freeze today was just madness, we've decided to take a chance and grow them all. Dr V is optimistic, he says the he thinks that we'll be able to get between 5 - 8 blasts out of this but obviously he's not putting that on paper!!

If we do end up with 5 blasts on transfer day then we'll put two back and "vitrify" the rest - a fancy procedure they do to freeze 5 day blasts, so we're happy.

I have a mild case of OHSS, i'm very bloated and very sore...DR V has put me on bedrest with at least 4ltr of fluid a day - this is why I am so late to update you all but I needed a break from the couch!!

Abi came back home last night, we are very happy to have her back home and she is just as pleased to be here. She still has some diarrhea but is eating well, she's also lost quite a bit of weight and you can see that she hasn't been well but hopefully she'll be back to normal soon!

Will update tomorrow, thanks for all the prayers chickens!!

Never in my life...

2008-07-28T10:36:00.002+02:00

....did I imagine that this could happen, I am beside myself with joy!!

Out of 15 - we have 13 normal fertalisations, the other 2 have fertalised but aren't looking as good as the rest. According to Heather, they can catch up overnight and if they do then we'll have a 100% fert rate.

This is better than we could ever hope for, last time we had 16 eggs and from the very first day we were only left with 8 that had fertalised so today we were hoping for at least 10 - a nice shock!

I know it's early days but this feels good, all of a sudden I am filled with HOPE!

15 Eggs...

2008-07-28T08:28:00.002+02:00

My retrieval was yesterday. This last week hasn't been easy what with little Abi, my IVF sort of took a back seat but yesterday morning as I was getting ready to go to Vitalab it hit me, all of a sudden things felt very real and I was quite scared.

It all went off without a hitch, I had to wait for two ladies who's blasts were hatching to have their transfer before me but I went in about 8:45. Dr V is lovely, I cannot thank that man enough for being so kind and caring, before I knew it I was fast asleep and waking up in the ward with hardly any pain at all.

Even my bladder co-operated for a change, I dozed on and off until just after 10, had a cup of tea and a pee and we were on our merry way. Dr V was very happy, we got 15 eggs and the sperm was perfect, I phone at 10 this morning for our first fert report.

After my ER we went to see little Abi who is still being kept by the vet, she's looking better but still not eating, I cried so when I held her. They say that she is looking a bit better this morning and hopefully she'll eat soon because as soon as she's eating again she can come home. Our house feels so empty without her and we both miss her soooo much!

My pain started about 4 yesterday, they said that I can take stil.pain (as many as I need) but I'm trying to cope without them (that is not going so well). I'm very bloated and moving around too much hurts but it was the same last time, the only difference is that I am back at work today....aaargh!

Will update with a fert report later...thanks once again for all your love and prayers!!

Trigger tonight...

2008-07-25T11:16:00.003+02:00

Well girls, my scan today went well. Follies are looking happy and E2 is obviously pleasing to Dr V (didn't ask - trying not to obsess) so I trigger tonight at 8! Lining was nice and thick at 12mm, I don't think it's ever been that good!

ER will be Sunday and transfer should be Friday if all goes according to plan.

Had a very long night, Little Abi started vomiting again yesterday and the diarrhea is back, there's a lot of blood too. She refuses to eat still so has now not eaten for two days. I had her at the vet at 2am this morning so needless to say we haven't had much sleep! They've kept her and put her on a drip. I'm very sad and the house is so quiet without her but I know that it's probably the best thing for her as the other treatment didn't seem to be working.

My heart is aching for her and I just want her home and better. It's been a very trying week but we're hoping that it has a good ending.

Will update on Sunday, please keep up the prayers for us and little Abs...

Day 9 stims...

2008-07-23T11:37:00.003+02:00

My Day 9 scan didn't turn out as I thought it would, the way my ovaries feel I thought I would trigger tonight or tomorrow night but apparently that is not what they have in store for me.

Things are looking good with a count of 16 follies - about 8 on each ovary now (give or take as I have no idea how they make anything out!). My lining is 11.4mm which is good and I don't think that it'll get much thicker before trigger (last time it was 10.7mm at my last scan before trigger so I'm really happy with 11.4mm!). My right ovary has some 18mm and close to that and the left ovary is a bit behind with 15mm - 16mm follies, so the plan - so as not to lose out on the left hand follies is to stim for another 3 days (today, Thursday and Friday).

My next scan is Friday and then they'll probably cut my stims down for that day and then Saturday should be Trigger and ER on Monday - that's Dr V's plan but you know how these things go, it all depends on Friday's scan and my E2 results which were only 4287 today which sounds a bit low for all those follies but they say it's fine. I was a bit dissapointed because things are getting rather uncomfortable now but Dr V says that he prefers that I stim longer and slower - hopefully this way we'll get some good quality eggs!

I cried all the way to VL and all the way back, Frank wasn't with me as he had to stay with Abi. Abi is terribly sick at the moment, she has a bad gastric infection so she's vomiting and her tummy is running non-stop. We had her at the vet last night and they gave her 3 injections and then this morning again for another 2. I have to take her back again tonight for more and if she's still sick tomorrow then she'll have to have a drip. She's not eating and has a horrible fever so they worried about dehydration. My poor poor baby, I'm crying more about her than anything else but it doesn't help that my hormones are all over the place.

So, now I suppose we just wait and see....

Follie count...

2008-07-21T11:15:00.002+02:00

Day 7 of stims revealed 12 follies ranging from 10mm to 14mm with a lining of 9.4mm.

The plan is another set of injections today and tomorrow and a scan on day 9, last time we did this, day 9 was my last stim day so we'll see what happens, I'm thinking trigger on Thursday or Friday this week and Retrieval on Saturday or Sunday. Things are moving really quickly now chickens!!

I'm grumpy, tired, bloated and quite sore - but this is par for the course for me by now. The headaches seem to have gottten better with the addition of the cetrotide yesterday. My goodness, the cetrotide is not a pleasant injection at all, the area stays red and nasty looking for about 2 hrs after the shot and leaves a horrible bruise. I have bruises everywhere on my tum now and it's not much fun at all. Don't get me wrong, i'm not complaining - this is not my favourite part of IVF but I'm glad that we have some follies on the go!

My E2 level was around 2000 yesterday, Heather said that it should double daily as we go (give or take), she said that they measure it to be around 700 per egg so we'll see what it's like on wednesday I suppose.

So far so good. It's finally starting to feel real, I'm still feeling really calm for now, Abi is a wonderful distraction and it's also easier once you know what to expect, that doesn't make me any less scared for Retrieval tho!!!

My update...

2008-07-18T14:36:00.011+02:00

It's day 4 of stims and I went for accupuncture today, Dr Debbie said to keep on drinking lots of water to keep the headaches away but they don't seem to want to budge, she said that the area around the needle looks good and goes nice and red quickly which is good. She also says that it doesn't look like i'm that acidic anymore which is good too.

I need to go back the day before ER and then the day before transfer and straight after transfer. I do hope that this works, really I do...I'm starting to feel like a chicken without a head with all this running around.

On the stress front, I'm not feeling too bad at all actually. Little Abi is good at making the days go fast and keeping my mind off things. I think that we gonna have a few follies on Sunday as my ovaries are already starting to feel a bit strange, not sore but definately making their presence known!

I got some wonderful news today, you know who you are my friend and I love you guys with all my heart, I am so so happy for you!!

Carrie asked for updated pics of Abi, so here you go, how cute is her pink harness??:

I heart the Gon.al F Pen!!

2008-07-16T10:08:00.009+02:00

I'm so chuffed with myself, now I know that many of you can do this with your eyes closed but Frank has always given me my injections, but today I decided it was time to start doing them myself while Frank watched in amazement and said "geez, I didn't think you'd be able to do that yourself!" because you see, I'm a bit of a "wussy" =)

It wasn't bad at all, I love the pen - no mess, no fuss and the needle is a bit thiner and shorter too!! Thanks Jenna, I love you my sweet friend!!

From Friday I have to start using the mix it yourself kind, not looking forward to that, the mornings take me forever as it is what with mine and Franks to do and a little Abi who wants constant attention!

Who wouldn't want to use this:
Instead of this?

Finally....

2008-07-15T10:43:00.002+02:00

Whew...this has been quite a build up and I must say it's a relief to finally be doing this IVF!!

I went to Vita.lab for a scan this morning, i'm still bleeding quite a bit which Dr V doesn't understand as the pill is supposed to keep your lining thin, my lining was 3mm and there was still blood "in the cavity" as Dr V explained to the nurse but otherwise everything is quiet on the ovary front.

He's just come back from a conference in Spain and must have learnt something different because this morning he looked through my file and decided to "tweak" my protocol a bit, here'
s the plan:

Day 1 & 2 of stim ~ 225iu Gonal F
Day 3, 4, 5 of stim ~ 225iu Gonal F and 37.5iu Luveris
Day 6, 7, 8 & 9 of stim ~ Scan, 225iu Gonal F, 37.5iu Luveris & cetrotide
Day 10 ~ Possible trigger!!!!
Day 12 ~ Possible egg retrieval!!!!

There's some Anti-biotics somewhere inbetween for both Frank and I and of-course Frank is still on his injections so mixing them in the morning is gonna take me forever!

It's different but I think Dr V's onto something here, we're starting to feel a bit more positive, it doesn't really feel real yet. I had a bit of a cry on the way there this morning, feeling a bit overwhelmed I think but it's all good. We're ready so bring it on!!!

I know that I don't need to ask, but please keep us in your thoughts and prayers ~ we going to need all the help we can get here, please please please let this be it.

Okay, I'm ready already!!!

2008-07-14T13:00:00.003+02:00

So here I am, twiddling my thumbs a bit impatiently because guess what....

Today was supposed to be day 1 of stims, yes...

No.

Bloody AF (excuse the pun) decided to pitch up at 8 last night, despite threatening all day! Once she did arive she decided to give me a run for my money with the worst cramps I have had in a very long time, I couldn't get off the couch!! So Heather (my IVF co-ordinator) says that today is day 1 so I start shooting up tomorrow!!

I'm feeling more positive about this up-coming IVF as we get closer, I'm feeling awful physically with headaches everyday since I stopped BCP and terrible cramps but i'm sure I'll feel better soon. The lack of sleep with little Abi wanting to play at 3 in the morning is probably a contributing factor too....

Here's the latest pic of Abi, she's growing so much and changing everyday, still the cutest little thing ever!!

Here we go again....

2008-07-11T14:06:00.005+02:00

Well folks, the results are in:

57 million per ml compared to 22million per ml

4% Morphology - up from 3% - they say that 4% is good and that morphology rarely gets any better than that?

35% Motility - only up 5% but we gonna try some Vit C and they also adding some medium to the spec jar next time which should help the boys swim better!

So all in all, we're happy. It's been an emotional morning, I'm relieved and scared at the same time, scared because now it's so real!

I took my last pill yesterday, now we wait for a breakthrough bleed and start stimms on day 2 which will most probably be Monday. So that means retrieval will be in about 2 weeks. Oh my word!!

Let's hope that this is the last one and that the lucky gonal f from sweet Bumble does the trick.

Buckle up because this time it's for real, here we go again!!

We're back....

2008-07-03T15:15:00.009+02:00

We're back home with Abi, she is the most adorable little thing I have ever seen. She's a fiesty little thing too but so so lovable at the same time. She loves being held and comes and climbs on me when she's tired, it's the sweetest thing!! She has brought so much joy to our lives and we're constantly laughing at the silly things she does, just too precious for words!!

It's been tiring, she's still really small but we're gettting there. She's already been to the vet with a runny nose and tummy, her food is making her tummy run and she has a bit of a cold - from the temp change between her and KZN I suppose!!

Here's some latest pics...

Still teenee, tiny!! Smaller than we thought she'd be!

In other news, it's a week until Frank's SA. We ready but scared at the same time, it's been hard - Frank has been feeling really down lately - I think it's from the Meno.pur but hopefully he only has about 10 more shots to go!! Roll on IVF, we're ready for ya!!

Abi @ 6 weeks!!

2008-06-27T09:10:00.002+02:00

Here's the latest pic of little Abi, she is just so adorable!!

I can't wait to fetch her tomorrow and give her loads of love!!

Introducing Little Abigail...

2008-06-20T13:02:00.004+02:00

Things didn't work out as planned - for a change they actually worked out better!!

Abi was supposed to come from the litter that was born yesterday but unfortunately there were only 4 pups born with only one of them being a little girl. She was apparently very small and the vet wasn't sure that she was going to make it. The breeder that we are getting Abigail from had another litter 5 weeks ago and she's managed to book one of her little ones for us!!

So, we've decided to take a weeks leave (since we need to fetch her in Westville, KZN) and spend the week in Ballito with her!! It will give us time to "bond" and spend some time with her, it will also give us a much needed break....we're both very excited!!!

Isn't she just too precious for words!!

Getting there...

2008-06-17T12:58:00.002+02:00

We are 3 Meno.pur down, 11 more to go until Frank's repeat SA and so far so good!

I am happy to report that there haven't been any nasty side effects, it's wierd having your husband on hormones! He is a bit more outspoken and easily annoyed but nothing I can't handle....

It's been a wierd transition, it's taken some time to come to terms with not doing IVF straight away, I find myself thinking about how far i'd be on my stimms and the fact that I would be having my ER this week already but that I think it's very normal to feel a bit cheated. It's hard trying to prepare yourself for something only for it not to happen...

I've been keeping to myself a lot lately, trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings, trying to start the healing process. My friendships have unfortunately taken a back seat and I'm not quite sure that everyone understands exactly what it is that is happening, I know that some wont understand and that some will, I do worry about the frienships that can't be fixed, the ones that wont survive me finding myself again.

I know i'm cutting myself off, I haven't spoken to my family in the last 2 weeks - I've told them that I need time to deal with everything, time to deal with this cross that is mine to bare....they don't understand either, I think they think that I'm being selfish by not helping them deal with their issues because this is something that I have never done. I've always been there and while it was for them, it was just so bad for me. I'm taking a time out people, I'm taking time to concentrate on Frank and I, on our hopes and dreams and those that want to understand and be patient are very welcome to come along for the ride.

I have lots to look forward to, my little Abigail will be born any day now! Abigail will be our first pet - a little english bull.dog. I will get her the week before my 30th birthday, I can't tell you how excited we are!!! We've been waiting for her for a while now, we found a breeder about a month ago who told us that they were expecting a litter and so we have been waiting, i'll get her when she's about six weeks old....

Frank's SA will be done at the end of the 5th week of his treatment, so for now i'll stay on BCP. When this pack is finished I'll start taking the active pills on the next pack and skip the withdrawel bleed so that I can stop them at any time. If the SA results come back better then I'll stop BCP and start stimms. Frank will stay on the Meno.pur until my ER - if all works out then I should have my transfer the week before my 30th birthday too, so at least I'll have little Abi to keep me company during my 2ww, that should help keep me calm!!

So all in all, we're getting there.....slowly but surely....

Another bump in the road....

2008-06-10T08:12:00.002+02:00

Okay, so now we have a real reason for waiting - not just that gut feel!

Dr V phoned me yesterday after I'd sent him a mail to tell him that we had decided to wait. He says that Frank's FSH is way too low. So, get this....they putting him on menopur injections!!!

He starts tomorrow, 75iu every Monday, Wednesday & Friday for 6 weeks, this means another 2 rounds of BCP for me instead of just one but what can you do? Apparently the menopur should make his FSH higher and therefore improve his count, morphology and hopefully quality of the sperm.

I'll schedule my BCP to end on the same day that he finishes the menopur and then we'll start stimms straight away. They'll probably do another SA at the end of it too, just to make sure that the treatment has worked, maybe another FSH test too.

Dr V said that he looked back on Frank's bloods that he had for our IVF and his FSH was low then already so something should have been done before we did our IVF, so I must say that I am a bit pissed that someone missed this but it's water under the bridge now. Now we have a possible reason for our embies not taking as sperm quality definately has an impact on whether an embryo makes it to a baby or not.

Initially Frank was okay with the treatment, until he read up on all the side effects menopur can have on men, one of the side effects is breast enlargement, he has said that should this happen, he's stopping treatment - I do understand but geez, men can be difficult! I'll mail Dr V again and just raise Frank's concerns but I do think that it's really rare and that it could happen if you were on it for too long and maybe higher dosages. I do hope that the side effects are minimal tho....it could be a really long six weeks!!

It's costing us quite a bit, almost half of what my stimms would cost if I was doing IVF now, so really not a nice surprise at all but hopefully this is what we need to do the trick....we're a bit tired of all these bumps in the road but what can you do. You live.....and learn.

....And the fun never stops!

2008-06-09T11:14:00.002+02:00

Today is CD2 and so today is the day I should start stimms....yes....well, actually....no.

We have decided to put our IVF on hold. Not an easy decision to make at all, because this was all our decision. VL are telling us that things should be fine, we aren't so convinced. For once in my life i'm going with my gut feel and my gut feel tells me that I need to wait.

Frank's SA came back fine (according to the lovely Dr V) - his count was 22mil per ml (they are looking for anything over 20mil), morphology was 3% and motility at 30%, Dr V wasn't too thrilled about the motility (they prefer it to be 50% or above) and said that something called a "wet prep" was in order just to double check it. He also wanted Frank's FSH re-tested. So on saturday I went into VL to fetch my hubby a speciman jar for this morning, while I was there I sat with our co-ordinator and went thru the last SA.

Our last SA was as follows: 119ml per ml, 6% morphology and 50% motility - big change.

I went home to chat to Frank, I wasn't happy with the drastic change and neither was he and so we came to the conclusion that staying on birth control for another month (or two) might not be a bad thing in order to let the boys recover a bit because it's quite obvious that the infection and fever affected them. So going with the figures made it easy to decide, there is a lot on the line here, should we have gone into it without reconsidering and it failed, we would have blamed the poor SA and we would have worried about every FET we did after that. This way, we are trying to give ourselves a better shot....

Unfortunately things are always cut and dry, today I feel unsure, I second guess our decision - it's hard leading up to something and then having to wait. It's also hard that we are the ones the have made this decision, while our clinic keeps on telling us that this sperm is good enough for IVF. I'm not in a good place as it is, it would have been easier for me to deal with (emotionally) if we were told to wait. For a change, i'm letting logic win and not my emotions.

We're doing the right thing here, please tell me we are. Tell me that you would do this too, I have to keep on reminding myself that this is the right thing to do, it doesn't make sense to do it until we have better sperm....having it fail is far worse than waiting a month or two, there's too much to think about here.

I'm also all over the place with everything else that's happening in my life and so maybe this is a blessing in disguise. As sweet Sam put it yesterday - maybe this is god's way of giving me time to deal with my folks splitting up.

So, there you have it, another month of BCP, sorry for getting you all excited for nothing!

Lost.....

2008-06-03T10:00:00.001+02:00

Can’t believe it’s over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the writing that was on the wall
If I only knew
The days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were cryin'

Summer turned to winter
And the snow, it turned to rain
Then the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognize the girl you are today
And God I hope it's not too late
It's not too late

Cuz you are not alone
I’m always there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
When you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe you’re not lost

When your world’s crashing down
And you can’t bear the thought
I said babe you’re not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you’ve gone crazy
But you’re not
Though things have seemed to change
There’s one thing that’s still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly, fly, fly away

Cuz you are not alone
I am there with you
And we’ll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
When you feel like you’re done
And the darkness has won
Babe you’re not lost

When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear the thought
I said baby you’re not lost

Mmmm yeah yeah, yeah yeah,
I said baby you’re not lost.
I said baby you’re not lost.
Oh yeah, yeah
I said baby you’re not lost.

With just days left to go on BCP, everything feels almost surreal. I have booked Frank’s SA for Friday so they should get back to us on Friday afternoon as to whether we carry on with this cycle or not.

I’m still feeling positive, I’m ready for this now and I pray daily that Frank’s SA comes back fine. While I'm so looking forward to this IVF, my life is in shambles, I feel so lost….everytime I hear this song, I cry…I am so thankful for my husband who is the only one that keeps me sane when I feel like my world is falling apart.

It’s the same old story, my folks have split up after 35 years of marriage and try as I might, I am always stuck in the middle. I haven’t even told them that I’m doing IVF right now, I can’t cope with them or their pity. It’s really hard, I’ve never had the best relationship with them anyway because somehow, they always manage to turn my world upside down instead of making things better.

Frank thinks that I need time and that we should put our IVF off as he’s worried about how I’m going to cope with the stress, I don’t want to. The only thing that will stop me is if Frank’s SA results come back dodgy (which they wont).

As things stand, life goes on and I keep popping BCP and looking forward, knowing that I am not lost.

Let's get this ball rolling...

2008-05-20T11:50:00.003+02:00

I can't tell you how excited I am, I started BCP today!

My CD3 scan at Vitalab went well, Dr G counted about 10 antral follies in total, it was a quick spin on the wand so i'm sure there will be more follies to stimm with but i'll be happy with 10 too, I've come to the conclusion that more is not always better anyway!

I started Min.ulette today...feels strange popping BCP again but i have to remind myself that this is for a good cause. I'm feeling so good about this cycle, Frank is not as eager but I think that it's because he's worried about his SA. We are planning on going away for a long weekend in June so our IVF has been moved around a bit....here's the timeline:

20 May - Start BCP - done
6 June - Last BCP & Frank SA
10 June - Breakthrough bleed (hopefully)
11 June - Start Stimms
19 June - Last Stimm
20 June - Trigger
22 June - Retrieval
27 June - Transfer of blasts!!

This obviously is not written in stone and could change, starting stimms is subject to Frank's SA being good, Dr G is positive that it will be fine but like always - time will tell.

It really looks wierd when I put it down on paper, in just over a month I'll be a doing a transfer, whew! I'm only on BCP for 18 days this time which was nice of Dr G to try and accomodate our weekend away but it will also depends on when stimms start because I'll need to start cetro.tide on about day 5 or 6 of stimms...

So that's it people, here we go again....this ball is a little rusty but it's starting to roll!!

Update....

2008-05-06T15:57:00.002+02:00

My appointment with Dr V went *okay* today, he did a scan and lo and behold, I've ovulated!

Heaven only know's what's happening with my body, temp is still low so the first time in 3 years taking my temp has not been accurate! The good news is that all the pain on my right hand side hasn't been for nothing, I ovulated from that side this month - first time in history - Thank you Dr Debbie!!

They did a progesterone and oestrogen test to make sure and to hopefully give me a little input on when to expect AF so I'm not totally surprised. My lining was 8.7mm which is okay but could be better I suppose but at least it's over 7mm!

Frank's news wasn't as good as mine. According to Dr V men that have temps from 38.0 and upwards have a 50/50 chance of the sperm being damaged and if Frank falls under the bad side of the 50/50 chance then it could take up to 6 months for it to recover. Not. Good. News :(

So, all is not lost and it's still a waiting game. The plan is to start BCP on day 3 of my next cycle, Frank will go for a SA on day 18 or 19 of me being on BCP and we'll go from there. If the sperm is fine then at least I'll already have almost completed my BCP and I can start stimms, if not then it'll be the same procedure every month until the sperm is fine. I'm not sure I like the idea of staying on BCP for more than a month but I need to try and take this one step at a time now and just wait and see.

I'm waiting for Dr V to contact me re the blood tests and will ask him if getting Frank on supplements will help. He hasn't been on anything except a mulit-vitamin and Vit C as we never really had any sperm problems.

So for now we wait and pray that we are on the other side of the statistics for once, it's hard to keep the faith when everything keeps on letting you down. F*%$ you, Murphy!

Lessons in infertility!

2008-05-05T14:26:00.004+02:00

So girls, this has finally gotten the better of me....

I woke up this morning and took my temp, I was so sure that I ovulated yesterday since my EWCM has turned creamy and my boobs are killing me, they are just so sore it's not funny....anyway, temp is stuck at 36.4 - definately no ovulation to speak of there!

I mailed Dr V about Franks fever and how it would affect his sperm for our IVF and I told him about my strange 22 day cycle last month and my no ovulation this month.....his reply:

Dear Tammy,
Please come in for a scan, we'll discuss the semen etc during the scan....

Mmmmm, so i'm going in bright and early for a swing on the dildocam....wish me luck, I'm quite scared now that there's something wrong, maybe I should have seen them earlier....lesson # 2567 in infertility!

Murphy....

2008-05-03T17:16:00.002+02:00

Well it seems that Murphy just couldn't resist the urge to ruin my fun! Frank has been awfully sick the past few days, he's had a fever ranging from 38C to 39.3C for two days!

We went to the dr after the first night that we couldn't break his temp, I've never seen him so sick before, she did some blood test and came back saying that it's a bacterial infection of some sort. The poor man, his fever kept on spiking - it would shoot up, stay up for an hour and break and then the same thing would happen. This went on for two days but now it seems that we've finally managed to get it under control and the antibiotics are finally starting to kick in! I'm worried because he's not really eating and everything that goes in comes out, it's really quite frightening but I'm trying to stop him from getting dehydrated by making sure he's getting lots of fluids.

It does seem like he's finally on the mend but obviously the fever that he had for two days puts a bit of a spanner in the works when it comes to planning our IVF. It's been a year now since our first IVF so I pressume they'd want to do another SA anyway to make sure that all the boys are still doing okay. I'm worried tho that the fever that he's had now will affect our IVF in two months time - any ideas?

I think that I'll mail Dr. V and ask him what he thinks, I know it takes 72 days for sperm to grow and mature so hopefully the fever wouldn't have affected the sperm that was already maturing because if things work out right, we'll need his "contribution" in about 54 days....

Murphy, you mo-fo!

In other news, if any of you have seen the O fairy of late, please send her my way once you finished with her! I'm on CD16 today, temp still low but have had EWCM for the last 3 days so hoepefully somethings gonna happen soon. Frank and I have had to make peace with the fact that there will be no trying on our own this month since he is man down, I'm okay with that tho...it would have been nice if by some chance we could have done this ourselves but hey, IVF it is because I'm not putting this off any longer!!

Dr Debbie...

2008-04-30T14:46:00.002+02:00

My appointment with Dr Debbie was wonderful! I went to go and see her last week friday, it's so nice and refreshing to talk to someone that knows the in's and out's of infertility treatment! I gave her a brief history of how many cycles we've done and how I responded to IVF etc, I told her that I was on Agnes which she said that she wanted me to stop straight away as she doesn't wanting it interfering with my up-coming IVF.

We went into the room and she checked my tongue, she asked if my periods were normally quite light, if I got dizzy often and if my hands and feet were always cold, I said yes. She checked a few other things and told me that my kidney Qi (chi) is blocked and that that definately affects fertility (in chinese medicine terms) and that I don't have enough blood flow going through my body, hence the light headedness etc - so this could be part of the problem when it comes to my embies implanting!

She said to carry on eating healthily and to make sure I keep up the excercise. She said that I need to do something I enjoy on the other 4 days that I am not gyming, something creative because in chinese medicine, they believe that you cannot create life if you aren't creative....mmmmm, I used to do a few things but haven't for the last couple of months, maybe it's time to start being creative again.

She started putting the needles in...by the time she was finished I had between 25 & 30 needles in me! I had in the top of my head, my tummy, my arms and hands, my legs and my feet...

She told me to imagine orange and red, these are your sacral and base chakra's - she then turned off the light and put some soft music on, very different to Dr P's visits! I felt so calm and relaxed, i tried to picture red and orange and it was okay but the colour I saw the most was green. Dr debbie returned to turn the needles and left me a little while longer, when she came back she asked about the colours and I told her that I was having trouble with the orange and red but that I did see green. She says that green is healing and that she can sense that I am very intuitive....my appointment with her was very surreal, there's lots more to tell but I'll leave that for my next post, I don't want this post to go on forever...

So, she's given me some tabs to get the blood flowing a bit better and says that she wants to see me every two weeks until I start stimms. Right now, Frank and I are still trying to figure out what on earth my body is doing, I'm still getting getting some cramping, my cycle is a bit screwy and i'm still getting daily headaches but am trying to stay calm and just hope that my body sorts itself out soon because I'm starting to get excited about starting BCP for our next IVF!

Winds of change....

2008-04-22T11:22:00.002+02:00

And so we’ve made the decision to leave Dr P. I’m seeing a new lady on Friday this week, Dr Debbie. I have heard only good things about her so I am quite excited!!

I’m a bit sad to leave Dr P, he did a lot of good for me. I am still following the eating plan he gave me because it’s easy and it can become a way of life. I’m also still losing weight, I’m now on my 7th kg since the beginning of Feb, of-course I’m still gyming 3 times a week so that helps too. It was not an easy decision to make but my last cycle and my conversation with him on Friday helped me make up my mind.

As you all know, I started bleeding on day 23 of my cycle. This had never happened before, even when I was doing a stim cycle and was triggered the shortest cycle I had was 26 days. Now I know that it’s only 3 days but that would mean that I ovulated on CD 8 or 9 apposed to my normal CD 14 to 17 (CD11 on only two cycles in 38 cycles off BCP).

So I phoned Dr P because I wanted his opinion, now I’m not so sure if I like what he said. He started off saying that it wasn’t good and I agreed, he went on to ask about my last period. I told him that I only bled for one day with about 5 days of spotting which isn’t normal but I had spoken to him about it before we started acupuncture last cycle and he said it was okay. He then goes on to say that he thinks I might have been pregnant and that I’m having a miscarriage!

I was floored, really not what I expected at all! So I asked what I should do and he said that I must come back on day 8 and we’ll start again. And that ladies was that, I was in such shock that I didn’t know what to say so I said….”oh, okay”

Frank wasn’t home at the time, I cried a bit and then tried to work out how far I would have been. 7w2days. I read up on what a miscarriage would be like at that stage, I read up on how I couldn’t have known that I might have been pregnant. I didn’t really find any answers.

I don’t want to believe that I am having a miscarriage, Frank seems to think that it makes perfect sense. I’ve really come off the rails in the past few weeks, have had a terrible time emotionally, I’ve had the flu and have been having problems with my blood pressure because it was too low and I was constantly dizzy, I asked Dr P what was going on and he gave me some herbs for my blood pressure, I’ve had sore breasts but they are constantly sore on the agnes.

Surely I should have known?

I would be nice to think that after 3 years of trying, we got it right naturally but now I will never know. We could have gone to Vita.lab and had some beta’s done but Frank seems to think that it wouldn’t be in my best interest to watch beta numbers drop right now but then again, it also could have confirmed that I was never pregnant and that now just before we start another IVF my body is playing silly buggers!

I was also worried that if I was pregnant that I would blame myself for not knowing and for not being on progesterone to protect my little one and help it grow. I’m just not in the right frame of mind for this right now.

I spoke to my most favourite person, Bumble on Sunday and she helped me a lot. She has a way of putting things into perspective. I love you dearly my friend and thank you for always being there for me.

I haven’t cried again, Frank is concerned that I’m not dealing with this but the problem is that I don’t know what to think. I’m sad for what might have been but how do you deal with it when you not sure it was there in the first place. I’m still bleeding, I’ve had quite a bit of cramping and headaches but every day gets better and now, only time will tell. We haven't discussed this with many people, we've told close family and friends and they understand that we don't want to make a huge deal out of this because we don't know what really happened, they know if we need to talk and they'll be there but they'll understand if we don't want to too.

We planning on starting BCP as soon as this cycle is over, we’ll do acupuncture and give it a go naturally again this month but if all else fails I should start BCP before the end of May. Sweet Bumble sent me some precious Gonal F, a brand new pen left over from her IVF with little Embie, I’m hoping that it has the same affect on me as did on her, so here’s to our next few months and putting the past behind us.

Oh cr@p!

2008-04-18T10:57:00.003+02:00

Dear Aunt Flo.....

Thanks (not) for showing up on CD23 and confusing me even more, I'm sure our breakfast date was only scheduled for a weeks time but maybe I was mistaken? I was actually doing okay without you and really felt that a visit from you wouldn't be in my best interest no matter how concerned (haha) you may be for me!!

Please go away soon!
Tam

I'm writing my own story...

2008-04-15T14:29:00.001+02:00

It’s been a long few weeks, instead of things getting better like they normally do, things just got worse. I can’t remember being in a place like this, I think I have before but this time I’m not sure how to get out of it. It’s all very strange really.

It started at a family event, things went wrong somehow and too many things were done and said – from there it was like a downward spiral, everything that I have not wanted to think about made its way into my head and my life. It happened at a particularly bad time too, a time when I wasn’t feeling the best anyway because my 3rd cycle with Dr P was becoming a reality and hormones were flaring.

I’m not going to go into details, a lot of what I have dealt with in the past has come back, feelings that I don’t understand. Feelings that made me question my wanting to be a mother, thoughts that maybe, just maybe my IF is a way to telling me that I shouldn’t be a mother.

At first I thought that I was just feeling sensitive because it has been a long road, life has never really been easy for me and that is just one of the reasons that I love my husband as much as I do, he has saved me from all of it, made sense of a life that never really made any sense up until I found him. But the feelings and thoughts never went away, I became more and more anxious and confused so I decided to go and see a counselor about it, he helped me….I know that counseling works because I have been down this road before, before I even know that IF would enter my life.

But in helping me, he has turned my world upside down, making what I have believed for a long time make no sense at all. He has given me a different way of looking at things and that changes a lot for me, in fact it changes everything. So right now, I am in a state of utter confusion, confused because nothing makes any sense to me anymore. The only thing that makes sense right now is Frank and our love for each other.

I know that I am meant to be a mother, I know that deep down inside I haven’t done anything to deserve this and I know that IF isn’t just life’s way of punishing me for never understanding one of the simplest things in life, the bond that a mother and child should have.

I know that all of this sounds very confusing and it’s my way of getting some of it out without saying everything. I am trying my hardest to work through it all, I have decided that life is not always cut and dry, there are not hard and fast rules for how things are supposed to be, everyone gets to write their own story and to make it what they want it to be, I am in the process of writing my story and all I know it that in the end I will be a mother and I will leave IF and everything else that has been hard on this journey behind us.

We have decided to start IVF in June, I will be starting BCP then so my stim cycle will be at the end of June/early July. I need to take some time to work through the rest of it, to come to terms with everything that hasn’t been dealt with and to finally make sense of my life.

That is were I am right now, I’m sorry if I haven’t been there for a lot of you and I wish all of you that are in the middle of cycles all the best!

Mmmmmmeltdown!!!

2008-03-27T10:23:00.003+02:00

So...the storm after the calm hit me yesterday, quite unexpectedly. Not to say I didn't expect it, I expected it eventually but not so soon.

I've been plodding along, minding my own business when all of a sudden I hit a wall. It started on Tuesday, I was feeling a bit off - it was then that I knew that AF was on her merry way. I felt very tearful and scared, had a very bad case of PMS.

So yesterday morning when I woke up, I didn't feel much better, I got dressed...thought about AF and packed my goodies in my handbag just in-case but hoping against all hope that I wouldn't need them and that soon I would see those 2 lines. I wasn't at work long and AF appeared and all I wanted to do is run and hide, run and hide from my life.

It hit me so hard, I phoned Frank to tell him and he said "oh well, we'll just try again" and normally I would love him for being so optimistic but that's just not what I wanted to hear, i'm still not sure what I wanted him to say and I think that it doesn't really matter either because at that moment in time, nothing would have helped.

My mind was reeling, going crazy trying to figure out why I wasn't okay anymore, thoughts of what to do next made me feel even worse. At one point my only thought was going for a day 2 scan and starting BCP for my next IVF and then wondering whether month 3 with Dr P would do the trick. You see, I have always been like this - I choose to believe in the treatment that I am doing whole heartedly BUT when i've given it fair chance and I don't get results, the I lose faith and want to move on to the next thing.

One of my close friends at work came to ask if I was okay, I told her that I wasn't and I wasn't sure what to do, I told her exactly how I felt and what my options were. Now, she has been there with me all along on this journey, she has a child of her own and conceived within the first month of going off the pill but has never once judged me, she has always tried to walk in my shoes and I love her dearly for that. She told me in no un-certain terms to pull myself together and that I should just follow "the plan", she said that I have all the time in the world and that waiting another one or two months is not going to kill me, infact all it's going to do is improve my chances of conceiving with IVF. She also told me that if I start IVF now and it doesn't work then I'm going to look back and wonder if I should have given my body some more time.

I must admit that some of what she said wasn't easy to hear, we (infertiles) tend to get our backs up when fertile people try and give us advice (no matter how good the friendship is) but when I thought about everything she was saying, I had to agree that she was right. I still felt very sorry for myself but I needed to hear everything that she said to me.

Today is a better day, I still feel a bit sad but I'm on the mend. Frank agrees too that we aren't ready yet, we'll give it some more time. This month is supposed to be my last month on treatment with Dr P, "the plan" was to start BCP in May but like I have said before...that will mean that this cycle will fall on the same time as my first IVF, it feels like a bad omen to me, please tell me what you think.....tell me if you think it's daft to use that as an excuse.

So for now I carry on with my eating plan and excercise, carry on with my Agnus and acupuncture and decide what to do when I need to.....and try desperately to find peace again.

To those of you who commented on my last post, I am truly sorry if any of you were hurt by it and I wanted to let you all know that wherever you are in your journey, I pray for peace for you all everyday....

Fighting the fight....

2008-03-20T11:35:00.002+02:00

I know i'm a bad little blogger, there isn't really that much news on my side anymore, I find that there's really not much to say these days, when you not cycling and by "cycling" I mean doing serious treatment like IVF then there's really no fuss, you don't symptom watch like you used to, you don't blog about every twitch and altho I am actually doing something productive to try and fall pregnant, I feel like i'm not because of how down played it is but this might very well be the way I fall pregnant, but how come there isn't a fuss?

It's wierd, we seem to change the way we react to everything the further we walk down this road, it's feels like we stop believing eventually and because everyone moves on except us, we feel different about fighting the fight. Sweet JJ's post made the way I've been feeling lately very real, I feel left behind - there's really no other way to put it. So many of you have moved on and I know that your lives are different now and I know it's not intentional but I do know that only a few of you still check this blog - I'm not complaining, I remind my hubby all the time that people change, that life changes and that people move on. Some of you don't want to think about fighting the fight anymore and quite truthfully, I don't blame you, I can't judge because I don't know how it feels to be "on the otherside".

I'm in a good enough place to deal with this now, I'm taking it one day at a time and like I've said before...i'm thinking of delaying my IVF, I have various reasons for doing this:

I feel good about the treatment I'm doing, maybe it's for selfish reasons, I'm enjoying having my body finally react in the way I want it to - a control thing maybe??
Frank and I have really connected lately, we're happy with just "us" for a change, you never really understand the affect IF has on you until you not doing major treatment anymore
I'm scared of starting again, I know we'll get through another IVF in one peace but I don't think that my heart is ready to take another failed IVF, I know that's not the right way to think about it because I should think that it could end in a BFP but i'm not there yet
Don't laugh, but starting BCP in May would mean that this IVF would be exactly the same time as my first one last year, out by a few days i'm sure and maybe this is non-sense but I don't want to jinx it, I'm scared of the same result because it's the same time :o/
When i'm not doing major treatments, it's almost easy to pretend that the past three years has not been my life, i'm in a place now that I can't understand, I'm baffled over my denial and while I know it will pass and I should enjoy it, it does concern me because I can feel the shift happening and i'm letting go, it truly scares me....

And while I miss all of you, all of you that have moved on...I know that part of it is for your own good, sanity perhaps? I think about you always and still check in on you and your precious bundles and pray for peace for all of you.

I hope that this post hasn't offended any of you because I know having a baby doesn't make you not infertile anymore and it doesn't take the pain of what you went through dissapear, all i'm trying to do here is tell you all that it's okay, I do understand and like JJ....it's time for a new circle....I know that those of us still fighting the fight will all be on the otherside of this one day and my dear dear friends, I can't wait!

3rd time Lucky?

2008-03-11T14:31:00.008+02:00

Sigh….that was soo nice, we had such a good break. I’m back and feeling so much better, calm, relaxed and re-energised!! So, I’m sure you thinking that it’s a good thing because now I have renewed strength to fight the fight, yes….but no.

The way I feel now, I’m tired of fighting the fight….it’s not that I’m burnt out or in a bad place, it happens to be that I am in a good place right now. For now, I have decided that I want to enjoy life again, for now….I want to be with my husband and love him the way he’s meant to be loved, for now….I feel complete and I don’t feel broken anymore. For now, I am at peace and I’m finding this a really good place to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I still want a baby very much and I am still following Dr. P’s treatment religiously and hoping for a nice surprise and for now, that is enough.

A strange calm has come over me, so much in fact that my husband is wondering where his wife went and is probably expecting her back any minute but I hope she stays away for a while because she is not who she used to be, (in)fertility has changed her in ways that she can’t explain, she needs me to be where I am right now, she is trying to discover her old self again….I hope she get’s it right!

Nothing major has changed, there wasn’t some miracle that made me see the error of my ways, Frank and I had such a great time away and something in me clicked, this little voice told me that it was okay to be happy, okay to feel complete, okay to just be the two of us for a little while longer.

My last cycle ended with af arriving the day we went on holiday, I was okay with that, a little annoyed at the fact the it had to be then but I wasn’t upset, doing treatment with Dr P has lessened the pressure quite a bit and to start off with, I was not sure that it would be the right treatment for me, not aggressive enough but as it turns out, it was the best thing for us. I started off saying that I’d see if I could do the whole three months but doubted it and today, I can tell you that I’m willing to do this for a lot longer than expected. The thought of another fresh IVF makes me cringe, I can’t imagine doing another one any time soon and it’s strange to think that I thought I was so ready for it. Of-course, I’ve just come back from holiday, I feel different at the moment and that may also change but I’m giving myself the benefit of the doubt here and also won’t be hard on myself if I change my mind.

I’m doing a different diet now, one that is supposed to control can.dida. Apparently can.dida (in your gut) can cause acidity in your body but most importantly the closest thing to your gut which is your uterus. So for now, I’m following the after detox diet with the exception of fruit, fruit juices and any sugar what so ever. Sugar in any shape or form makes can.dida worse, so for 3 weeks that’s what I will be doing and then I’ll add certain fruits gradually. I’m on CD14 today so I had acupuncture on CD 10 & 12 and I’ll be in my 2ww soon.

Frank and I had a wonderful anniversary, it’s been 3 very good years, I love that man more and more as the years go by. It has also been three long years in terms of our struggles to conceive our first child, this year has a lot of three’s in it for us….we’ve been married for three years, Frank just turned 33, I am 30 this year and will we do a 3rd IVF? – only time will tell….hopefully all these three’s mean something good, what is it they say about 3rd time lucky?? I hope so.

Here’s some pics of Frank and I on our anniversary and of the view we had from our bedroom on holiday…..

1 year Blogaversary!!

2008-02-20T15:52:00.000+02:00

It’s been a year since I started this blog, can you believe it? Because I sure can’t.

A year ago I was in a very different place to where I am now, we had just finished our second IUI, it had failed (of-course) and I was devastated and in a very bad place. We went for counseling with me saying that I didn’t want to do this IUI shit anymore and with Frank and Dr J telling me to “just try one more” before moving onto IVF…sigh

As you all know, I caved and did IUI # 3 in April and it failed as I thought it would. It seems like a world away, I can’t believe that since then time has passed so quickly, it feels like I have been taking a break more than I have been doing fertility treatments, since starting this blog I have only done one IUI, one fresh IVF and an FET, I really can’t believe that, this last year has felt so hard and I am so tired. I remember this last year so differently, only doing three treatments sounds/feels like I’m down playing things a bit here, I remember the months in-between, I remember how hard they were and I remember the reasons I needed to stop for a while, this last year brings many un-happy memories for me and Frank, it’s a year that we are trying desperately to put behind us, it’s a year that has done so much damage and given us so much heartache.

We are different people now, we still have hope and a love that’s stronger than ever before, a better understanding of many things but also utter confusion as to why we even need to still be walking this road. We have high hopes for this year, a belief that things will change soon and that this will be our year.

Blogland has taught me so much, I have watched many of you grow and become different people, watched some of you achieve pregnancies and have live babies and have formed some wonderful friendships. Girls, I am really thankful for every single one of you, without you guys I know that this road would have been a lot harder and very lonely, you have all helped me through some really rough times and I love you all for that, so thank you for helping me get through this journey. I look forward to what happens next for all of us!!

I was speaking to sweet Bumble yesterday and she said something that really stuck a chord with me, she said “Tam, every minute extra that you wait for you baby is so worth it” I have always worried about that, always wondered if the damage done by IF could ever be healed, if we ever get over the pain. Bumble says that little Emma has healed her, I can’t wait to be healed by my little soul, I pray that that will be soon.

I am 8DPO today, feeling fine except for a cold coming on. I have lost 12.5cm in the last 4 weeks, some of this is thanks to the detox and the rest I suppose is from gyming 3 times a week. I am feeling so much better, am starting to fit into my smaller clothes now and generally feeling much healthier. I am really starting to get sick of this diet tho, in fact I’ve been really grumpy the last few days, I just want to eat normal food!! By tomorrow, I will have been doing this for 4 weeks, 4 weeks is a long time!! I really hope that this is making a difference and that it will make my womb more welcoming!!

Having been told that my body is the problem and that my womb is un-welcoming has become a problem for me, so much so that I am scared to put anything bad/other than the diet in my mouth, I keep on thinking that if I do something wrong then maybe this wont work, which is just absurd, I know that but you know how things like this can play on your mind. Dr P has told me that it’s up to me to change my body by eating correctly and so I’m being hard on myself and I don’t like that way that it’s making me feel :o( I will chat to the doc about this when I go get more drops.

Other than that, Frank and I are taking a 10 day holiday, I can’t wait, we’ll be away for our 3 year anniversary which I plan to make different from last year and concentrate how much we love eachother and not how childless we are. The plan is to leave next week Wednesday, AF will be due the following day and hopefully we’ll be back in time for AC if we need it or maybe, just maybe….I’ll have good news for you!

Operation Ovulation!!!

2008-02-12T11:49:00.000+02:00

Well well ladies, my detox is finished...thank goodness for that!!

We are now doing "operation ovulation", operation ovulation involves lots of s*x....until a rise in temp, Dr P suggested that we do days 11 - 14 and I'm on day 14 today but still no temp rise so we'll have "another go" tonight :))

As you can see, I am feeling much more cheerful and finally getting back to normal, I am so so glad that the detox is finished, you wouldn't believe it. I had my last colonic on Saturday and my last AC session on Sunday, my Darling hubby was a brave boy and did AC with me, have I ever told you how much I love that man!

So now, besides having loads of s*x, i am doing a post-colonic eating plan which is similar to the way the detox started but a little different....

Breakfast - Cooked oat bran with raisons, butter and honey to flavour
Mid morning snack - Fruit and sunflower seeds & raisons
Lunch - Steamed veggies and brown/basmati rice
Mid afternoon snack - More fruit or nuts
Dinner - A large salad/steamed veg

Not too bad eh? I need to do this for the next two weeks, especially since we are hoping for conception....double yeah! There are a few more things that I can eat, I am allowed some chicken or fish every 3rd night or so but I'll let you know what's on the do and don't list in the next post.

Should that BFP elude me once again then it'll be a slight change to the eating plan and AC on CD8, 10 & 12 again and we'll go from there. I am to carry on the Agnes during the 2ww and Dr P says that we'll start progesterone once a pregnancy is established and not before because according to him, too much progesterone before implantation is not a good thing - time will tell I suppose??

In other news, my baby sister is 21 today. How I love that little soul - just wanted to mention her because she is so special in my life and I really wish her all the best!

Not much else is happening in the land of Peanut, one of Frank's friends phoned the other night to tell us that his wife is expecting their second child, I never fell off the wagon, I had the normal twitch of dissapointment but I know that our turn will come...very soon I hope!

Please go over and send your love to Mands, she is going through a rough time right now and could use all the love that you wonderful chicks in blogland have to give.

And that concludes the end of my 100th post, can't believe that so much has happened since I started this blog, I am very glad that I did because one day I'll look back at our journey with all the details and then I'll be able to put it all to rest and of-course there's all of you that read this and give me the support I need, I love you guys xxx

Detox Day 8....

2008-02-07T10:05:00.000+02:00

Ugh....this is terrible, I'm feeling awful. I knew that it would be bad but I expected to feel a bit better. I've been off work one day with terrible body pains and a really bad headache, the rest of the time has been okay but I definately do not feel well!

So I started the second part of my detox on Monday this week, Day 5. This detox consists of a liquid diet and colonics for 6 days. Herewith the liquid diet rules :

Cleansing drink: drink a 3 quarter glass of water with a quarter glass of freshly juiced apple juice. Follow this with a glass of water mixed with half a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar and a teaspoon of raw honey - drink this 5 times a day
Flaxseed tea drink: Soak 1 tablespoon of flaxseeds in half a cup of boiling water, allow to cool and drink the water and chew on the seeds. Drink at least 2 cups of this a day
Broth: To one litre filtered water add - 3 cups of chopped celery, 1 garlic clove, 1 chopped carrot, 2 cups chopped sweet potato and 2 cups of butternut. Bring this to the boil and then simmer for 2 minutes or til veggies are soft, you can add fresh herbs like coriander, basil or mint to this for taste. Liquidise this, this is your only "real" food so you can have this anytime of the day.
Veggie juices: Juice the following (with a juicer, not a blender): 3 carrots, 3 cabbage leaves, 2 stalks celery, 2 steamed beetroots, 1 steamed turnip, half a garlic clove, 6 spinach leaves and half a bunch of parsley - dilute with mineral water OR Juice carrots, celery and steamed beetroot, mix this in 50:50 ratio with mineral water (I found the later one the best so I just have that) - Drink 2 - 4 cups a day.
You can add some more sweet potato or butternut to your broth or eat a little brown rice if you are feeling weak or hungry.

You also have a whole list of supplements that they supply so I feel like I'll rattle if you shake me from all the tabs i'm taking! The colonics is anything but pleasant, in-fact it's quite uncomfortable and sore but I'll be doing my 4th 1 hour session today so at least I'm almost finished with only 2 more to go after today. The good news is that I have lost a total of 4 kg's so far, this wasn't the point of doing this but it does help :)

I was also on CD8 yesterday so we started accupuncture to "start heating the oven" (as Dr P put it), i'll have AC every second day until CD 12, Frank will do AC on days 10 & 12 too and we are to "start getting intimate" on CD10 - CD14. Not quite sure if I carry on the Agnes cactus during the 2ww and what he will do about my progesterone dificiency so I need to ask. So I suppose we'll see what happens then, personally I think that it's too early for my body to have changed too much but what have we got to lose?

From sunday I will be put on a different eating plan because you can't just go from having just liquid to eating everything again, I pressume it will also be something that I'll need to live by to control my acidity, i'll let you know.

So girls, that's my story. Not very exciting at all and I can't wait until my last colonic and until I can eat proper food again!!

Bumble and little Bumble are all doing well, Bumble is persavering with breast feeding and sounds happy. Little Bumble is just beautiful too, so so perfect. I can't wait until our day comes girls - I just know it will!

Baby Bumble is here!!!

2008-02-04T08:53:00.000+02:00

I thought I'd update you all, Baby Bumble is here!! She was born on the 3rd Febraury @ 11:41 pm (Aussie time) by emergency ceaser (cord was wrapped twice around her neck so she was stressed before labour was in full swing) and weighed in at 3.05kg's. She is perfect and both Mom and Dad are hopelessly in love with her....

Well done my sweet friend, I wish you and Mr B all the best, I'm so proud of you and wish that I could be with you but know that I am there in spirit!

Update on detox will follow tomorrow!

Detox Day 1...

2008-01-31T15:02:00.000+02:00

Thank you (once again) for all your kind words, you guys are the greatest, you know that I love you all!

Okay, so I have been a very bad little blogger lately and so I have decided to make an effort to keep you all up to date on what's happening in terms of treatment while seeing the new AC, you never know, I might be able to help a few of you find your way to a similar place/treatment should this work...so JJ sweetie, because you asked me to...this is for you, who know's - maybe this could work for both of us....

Detox day 1 - 4 consists of:

A cup of hot water and lemon slices first thing in the morning
40 Agnus Cactus drops in some water (take this half an hour either way of food) - take this 3 times a day
Fruit for breakfast & a cup of Rooibos tea with honey
Steamed veggies and basmati/brown rice for lunch
Another cup of Rooibos with Honey
Fruit as a snack
A large fresh green salad with nuts for Dinner wite apple cider vinegar and olive oil for a dressing
Have a glass of freshly juiced veg with dinner (carrot & celery etc.)
Drink 2 litres of water a day

So ladies, so far so good. It doesn't sound too bad now does it? So I do this for 4 days, I think that i'll be sick of it soon but I shouldn't feel too bad on it....only thing that might get to me is not having my daily cup of coffee....

Frank and I had a chat about things last night - he took me out to dinner, it was sort of like the "last supper" before I started detox and so over a lovely glass of wine (okay - a few glasses) we had time to chat and we decided that I would do this for as long as I can and if I feel ready before the 3 months is up then we will move onto IVF (presuming Dr. P hasn't formed some miracle and gotten me pregnant natrually). So, that's the plan for now. I am feeling better, still a tad tearful for even having to carry on walking this road - but better.

We chatted about what we would do if we needed to consider other options after IVF and really came to no conclusion, Frank is still dead set against adoption and egg donation but in saying that, we aren't in that position yet, nor do I think that we will ever get there but all of us know that this IF journey can take you anywhere and so we leave that one open for debate at a later stage.

So here we go now, back to basics, this should be interesting!!

Please make it STOP!!

2008-01-30T08:21:00.001+02:00

I just can't...I don't have the strength for this anymore.

AF has just arrived, I was so positive this month, we did everything right with our DIY cycle, our timing was more than perfect, I used the bicarb thing for my acidity and even tried progesterone in my 2ww. I don't know why I still believe that it could happen like this after the road that we have travelled, why do I always end up feeling the same way?

I week ago, I would have told you that it was okay because you see IVF #3 was on the cards, but that has all changed in the last few days and today I am confused and frustrated about what decision needs to be made. We have decided to put our IVF off for another 3 months, when we made this decision, it felt like I had nothing to lose and everything to gain from this, today I feel scared and so so unsure.

We went to go and see the accupuncturist that I mentioned a while ago, he was to treat me in conjuction with my IVF, he did a few tests to determine what condition my body is in, he asks us questions on what the problems are fertility wise and then went on to say that he doesn't understand why we need IVF.

Of-course I share his sentiment, I have never understood that someone with minor fertility problems like mine needs IVF, if I had "structural" problems like blocked tubes etc then yes but everything seems to be functioning correctly in that area. We spoke about our previous IVF's and the fact the embryo's were good but that they did not even start to implant, he asked what our FS thought the problems were etc.

So anyway, after he did the tests etc he said that I am still very acidic/toxic, my hormones are out, my lymphatic system is not working properly and the list went on and on, now I'll tell you that I think that I am quite healthy but he says that I am not. He says that he thinks the problem with implantation is due to acidity, due to the fact that a healthy embryo cannot or will not implant in a uterus that isn't welcoming and really, if you think about it, it does make sense.

And with that, he asked us to give him 3 months to get my body right, he says that he thinks that he can get me pregnant natrually within 3 months and that if I am not then he will still treat me through the IVF but at that stage our chance of success will be much better and our thinking at the time was that we really have nothing to lose and everything to gain, what is 3 months when we've already put 3 years into this? But today I feel different, today I am scared of waiting, today I just want to move on, I. JUST. WANT. A. BABY - I. JUST. WANT. THIS. TO. ALL. STOP - IS. THAT. TOO. MUCH. TO. ASK?

I know that I need to try this, what is the point of going through another IVF, spending all that money, time and emotions on something that probably wont work because nothing has really changed? And so as hard as this is, we are going to try it, I start off with a 10 day detox (this involves colon hydrotherapy for 6 days and a liquid diet while doing the colon cleansing) and he has put me on Agnus Cactus to get my hormones sorted out. Once I have done the detox (I start on Thursday) he will tell me what I am and am not allowed to eat, he will change my diet so that we can start to control my acidity and we'll go from there.

If all else fails, we will be starting IVF in May (funny how it'll a year exactly since our first IVF), I hope and pray that he is right and that we can make this happen natrually within the next 3 months, that has always been No. 1 for me but at least my body will be in a better place if we need to do IVF.

I haven't cried, let me tell you that I want to and I can feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes but I can't, I can't lose it because I haven't even told Frank, it kills me to tell him because he was so excited about this cycle, he kept on telling me that it had to work because we got it all right and it breaks my heart that I feel so broken, that I can't make him a Dad.

On another note, Mands has just had her transfer and it went beautifully - please go and wish her all the best!! Also, sweet Bumble will be having her little girl very soon, they are planning on inducing on Sunday since her due date was yesterday...I wish her all the best with the birth and can't wait to meet little Embie!!

In Vitro Maturation...

2008-01-11T09:30:00.000+02:00

Have any of you heard of IVM?

Apparently it's new (to us and our clinic) technology....here's a breakdown:

What is IVM treatment?
IVM stands for In Vitro Maturation. 'In vitro' comes from the Latin meaning 'in glass' and 'maturation' is the process of aging something from infancy to maturity. In IVM, immature eggs, or oocytes, are retrieved from the ovary, then matured in the laboratory before being fertilised and replaced to the womb.

What is the procedure for IVM?
IVM is much easier than conventional treatment and requires much less time commitment.
1. Under the guidance of ultrasound, the immature eggs are retrieved from a woman's unstimulated ovaries.
2. The eggs are then matured in the laboratory for 24-48 hours.
3. The eggs that have matured after this time are fertilised using traditional techniques such as ICSI.
4. Two to three days after fertilisation, the embryos are transferred to the mother's womb.

How does it differ from IVF?
There are two main differences between IVM and IVF and they are safety and cost. In standard IVF treatment the woman undergoes 2 weeks of injections to stimulate egg production prior to retrieval. As well as being time-consuming and uncomfortable, a potentially fatal side-effect of these injections is a condition known as Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS). IVM does not need these daily injections so there is no risk of OHSS.
And because the treatment is shorter than IVF, there is no need for women to have to sniff an ovary suppressing drug for 2-3 weeks prior to injections.

Who is it suitable for?
To begin with, IVM will mainly be for women with polycystic ovaries. However, it is thought the procedure will be ideally suited to women below their mid thirties as an alternative to IVF.

What are the success rates?
So far, over 400 babies have been born worldwide through IVM treatment and Danish scientists have achieved 30 per cent success rates using the procedure.
Professor Bob Edwards, who helped create the world's first IVF baby, Louise Brown, believes that IVM could be safely used to treat most women with fertility problems and will revolutionise fertility treatments. "I see IVM as an all-round - and cheaper - solution," he says. "This really is a new era for IVF. A revolution. I think IVM will replace IVF. It all looks very promising."

More on it here: http://www.healthcarerepublic.com/news/GP/628065/drug-free-alternative-IVF/ & http://www.fert.org.uk/files/Information%20Sheets/IVF%20and%20ICSI/IVM/Patient%20Information%20on%20IVM.pdf

So ladies, are there any of you who have had this procedure and know more about it? If so, please leave a comment, for the rest of you....might be something to look into, I have just recently found out that Vita.lab have started using it and am busy finding out more on it and whether it would be suitable for Frank and I....will let you know what they say!

**** Update: Okay, so apparently Vita.lab are doing their first IVM at the end of this month, they are looking at just doing it for PCOS patients as they are the ones that over-stimulate and run the highest risk of OHSS. Dr V says that you will get the same amount of eggs as IVF and that the quality will be the same as when you ovaries are stimulated, he also says that IVM costs about R12 000 compared to R28 000 with IVF. However, the success rate is 15% less than normal IVF....so there you go, not suitable at this stage for Frank and I, I'm leaving this post up for those of you who could possibly benefit from such treatment.

So close...

2008-01-08T10:03:00.000+02:00

Frank and I had one of our heart to hearts the other night, it's been a while since we've spoken about what our next step in the process is, don't get me wrong, it's not like I made the decision to do another IVF without him, we both knew that this new year would bring a fresh IVF but hadn't really discussed when or how we feel about things, before my last post I asked him if Feb would be okay for me to start BCP and he said that if I was ready then he was fine with it.

So that was that then, I have my heart set on another IVF as from next month, towards the end of last year I wasn't sure, I kept on finding an excuse to put it off another month, Jan was too soon, it's Frank's birthday in Feb and it's also my sister's 21st, then it's our anniversary in March and so I didn't want to be cycling then, but when I think about it now, they were nothing but feeble excuses to put off what scares me the most and that's not me, I normally go into things head on and so I've decided that all I needed was some time to heal, I'll say it again....we infertile are resilient!!

But I digress, we were lying in my most favourite place (our bed) and chatting, I asked him if he was ready and happy with starting in Feb, he told me that he was and that he thinks that we are close - so close now. I think so too, I have to believe that we are closer than we have ever been; I can feel that our dream of becoming parents is within our grasp now, it has to be.

With this IVF brings new fears, a 5 day wait instead of 3, a new protocol that scares me half to death, not because it's less needles (yeah baby!) but because it's different and last time I stimmed very well BUT I also need to remember that altho last time went perfectly with regards to my meds, ER and ET - it didn't work, not even slightly and that this time will be different and we are hoping that that difference is all it takes.

We spoke about how hard last year was, how it's changed us and our marriage, we spoke about how unfair it still seems and about how far we have come. It still feels very surreal, we have been trying to have a baby for as long as we have been married, gone to so many doctors and had so many different opinions, we've done 3 IUI's and 2 IVF's, I've had another 2 lapscopes and more hormones than I could ever imagine put into my body. We still think about how we thought that our child/ren would be made in the privacy of our bedroom, about how naive and simple minded we used to be.

And then Frank said something that I had never imagined, he thanked me for being so strong and for getting him through all this and it made me cry. I never imagined myself as strong, I used to be strong before I was faced with IF but the last thing I feel is strong, I feel weak and scared, I feel like my husband is the only thing that keeps me going. I feel like I'm about to lose it at the best of times and he tells me that I am amazing, that I have made him proud to be my husband because all I think about is how this affects him (because I know that I am the one who can't stop). I asked him to tell me if he wanted to stop, that I didn't want to destroy our marriage over this and he told me that even he couldn't stop now, we've come through all of this and we are almost there, I feel better now and I love my husband more than ever, for being my knight in shining amour and for not knowing that I couldn't do this without him, he is my strength.

Okay, so enough sloppy-ness, Frank boss' wife is pregnant with twins after their first IVF at Vita.lab and I have hope. I start seeing an AC on the 26th of Jan, he says that he wants to see me a month before starting IVF (stimms) so I’m quite excited to try something different, my GP recommended him because he specialises in IF.

And so chickens, with that comes the end of my post. Here's a pic of Frank and I on New Years Eve with my friends little munchkin who really took a liking to me even tho we haven't seen the kids for over a year, very precious....

Goodbye 2007!

2008-01-04T08:16:00.000+02:00

I don't think that I have ever been as eager as I was for a year to come to an end, 2007 was a very hard year for many of us. Of-course some of you ended on a very good note, congrats on all the BFP's out there ~ I am truly praying for a healthy 9 months for all my dear friends.

Christmas and new year were good, hectic as usual what with running up and down to family and friends, I find christmas time incredibly tiring but I know that one day I wont mind, like many of you, christmas reminds me of what I am still missing in my life.

The shingles are finally clearing up and I can honestly say that that really was no fun at all, I am starting to feel better and have more energy now. I have joined the gym and start tomorrow, it's time to start looking after my body instead of punishing it.

New years day brought back some memories of our first failed IUI, it was on new years day last year that I had found out the our first IUI had failed. I was devastated, but I was hopeful for my first medicated cycle that was to follow, I was different back then....a lot less jaded and cynical than I am now, I was so hopeful and convinced that by Dec I would either be a mom or have a nice round tummy with my baby growing inside me.

2007 had lots of all time highs and even more devastating lows, it's changed a part of us that will forever stay changed, some of what we used to be is gone for good but it's not all bad, we have eachother, I find myself comparing my marriage to other couples, couples who have their children and are watching them grow, couples who's marriages are falling apart even tho they should be thankful for what they have and it's hard not to compare.

I find myself thankful for my husband who loves me dearly and altho I still feel very very cheated by my infertility, I am thankful that most of the ways that our marriage has changed through infertility has been good, the one thing that infertility has done for us is make us stronger, make us more understanding with eachother and make us realise that there is no one else on this earth that we would rather be going through this with and so I do have to look at the good that came out of 2007 too.

I don't have any new years resolutions, my goal is get through infertility with some of who I used to be intact, we will get through this....2008 is going to be the year, we are starting fresh - with new hope and with the realisation that we needed to get through 2007 and all it's trials and tribulations to get to where we are now, to know more, understand the process and see that our end goal is in sight.

I am currently on CD 4 (yes, new years day brought the same as last year - a visit from my least favourite aunty) today, we will start IVF at the end of this cycle, I need to have my auto immune tests re-done as my immune system would have been comprimised with the shingles, so I'll have those re-done when I go for my CD2 scan. We are looking forward to moving on now and hoping for a really good outcome with IVF #3!!!

Shingle bells, shingle bells!!

2007-12-18T09:57:00.000+02:00

I thought that I was getting better and I am, the good days definately out-weigh the bad days but my body is telling a very different story.....I have shingles, now maybe not all of you know what shingles is....it starts off as rash and sometimes spreads, sometimes doesn't and so the rash started on Friday, but saturday I was very sure that something wasn't right and so I went to the Dr and was told that I have Shingles...here is Dr googles definition: http://www.medicinenet.com/shingles/article.htm for those of you that are interested...

As a result of the shingles, I have been told that all DIY plans are to be put on hold, I am NOT to fall pregnant while I still have the virus and especially not while I am on the anti-viral drugs which are quite strong and playing havoc with my body!

I am slowly on the mend, still feeling quite sore and very sorry for myself but I'm sure that by the end of the week I'll be better and hopefully 100% by christmas!!

In other news, I am sure that you can all remember this post about a very dear friend of mine who had her baby at the end of July, I phoned her on Saturday to cancel for Sunday's get-together because her little one is only 4 months old and I've been told to stay away from babies and pregnant women. So we chat for a while and she tells me that she's 9 weeks pregnant again, I nearly fell off my chair.

I am so happy for her, if you can recall she also went to Vitalab, has PCOS and so when she went for her 6 week check up her gynea told her that she wouldn't conceive on her own so they weren't using any protection and it just happened! Everything is fine so far and her baby is due 2 weeks before her little one's first birthday....can you believe it.

I'm okay, I cried for a while once I was off the phone, she said she feels bad becuase of what Frank and I are going through and I love her for thinking of us and I know that this isn't about me, my life is just different and it's not her fault. We all have our own crosses to bear and this is mine, it just makes my cross a little heavier and makes me sad but life carries on.

That's it from me girls, I am thinking of you all over this festive season and hope that you all get through it without too many tears. For those of you waiting for beta's, I hope that Santa brings you what you are wishing for. For those of you that are taking a break - next year will be better for all of us, we'll find the strength to start anew.

What is a mother....

2007-12-06T09:14:00.000+02:00

I found this post on the new Forum that I am on, I have come to hate forum's on my IF journey, the people that you normally meet there have no clue and are so insensitive to your needs. They are the ones that complain about taking 3 whole months to conceive, they have no idea what real infertility is like.

But this forum is different, the women here all understand, many of them can't fall pregnant/stey pregnant without help, they are like you and I and are walking the very same road that we are all on. Some of them are even from my clinic so that is nice too. Should you wish to come have a look or need some extra support....please pop by....http://www.fertilicare.co.za/forum/index.php

When I read this I cried, this is for all of you who have lost a child through miscarriage or neonatal loss...my heart goes out to all you brave brave women, my very dear friends in blog-land....

What is a mother?

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard him say.

“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
when your baby is not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
with confidence in his voice
“I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
and others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
but there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God,
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,
and then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
with all the other children and say…

“We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
but I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow’s were I lay...

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear.
‘Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.”

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
and this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gate for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
it’s the feeling in your heart.
It’s the love you had so much of
right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realise,
you are a Mother until their time is done.
they’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!”

IVF Follow up appointment...

2007-11-30T15:16:00.000+02:00

Well hello, hello....it's been a while ~ mostly because I really haven't had much to say, you've heard it all before anyway. Thank you all for your special heartfelt comments on my last post, you are all sweethearts and I am glad that I have all of you!

Okay so let me tell you about my appt yesterday, I am feeling better, it doesn't take it away but I feel like I finally have closure and a new plan. Dr V is such a sweetie, I almost cried but didn't, you'll be proud of me :)

Okay, so they don't know why it didn't work, after all "this isn't an exact science"...my embryo's are "excellent" quality and I have good potential to make a baby he says, next time we wont do ICSI so we should have a better fertilisation rate and hopefully more embies.

It could be an implantation problem seeing as they grow well and everything runs smoothly until they are put back in me, we'll do the auto-immune testing just before the next IVF and from there they will be able to tell if I have clotting problems stopping the embies from implanting, if I do then they'll put me on low molecular weight heparin.

We'll also do a 5 day transfer, take the best half on day three and grow them to day 5 and freeze the rest, which Dr V is sure will give us a better chance seeing as they will be at blastocyst stage!!!

They will also change my protocol, no Lucrin (yay, yay and yay again...v evil stuff that!) BCP for one month, scan on CD2 to check that all is clear on the ovary front. Start Gonal F 225iu's a day (not Menopur this time which is rather different because I responded to Menopur well and Menopur contains LH whereas Gonal F is pure FSH) until day 5 then carry on with Gonal F and add another injection called probably Cetrotide. Gonal F for 9 days and then trigger on CD 10.

Also asked about DHEA, he says that lots of women use it but it has nasty side effects, oily skin, acne and hair growth since it is a male hormone. He doesn't recommend it and says that there is no evidence to prove that it works...so I think that I should stay away from that for now, he also says that I have no probelm getting eggs so I don't need it, maybe he is right, I would hate for him to say "I told you so" if I go ahead and do it...

He also says that it's not time to remove my endo yet as it wasn't that bad and seeing that they excise it, it grows back a lot slower.

He says that next time will be better, they have learnt alot about me from the last IVF so I hope that this next one results in a healthy pregnancy!

Now we just need to decide when to do the next one, I think I need to get through Christmas first and then think about it again, maybe start BCP in Feb or so....

So it's onward and upward now....I need to remember that:

So Sad....

2007-11-20T13:17:00.000+02:00

Just checking in to say that I am still here. A lot has changed since my last post, well not that much but it feels like a lot….

My mood has shifted, I’ve gone from being a little sad but optimistic about the future to a fumbling mess. I don’t know what’s come over me, I was okay….not the greatest I’ve ever been but okay. It started on Saturday, a friend of mine was in town and wanted to see us, I’ve been so distant with her but it’s my way of dealing with everything, I can’t talk to people that can’t relate right now and so I haven’t been returning her phone calls.

Anyway, we’ve been friends since high school, in our last year of college she moved away but we’ve always kept in contact and been close friends, I was her maid of honour at her wedding and she was one of my bridesmaids at mine, we are a lot a like the only thing different is that she fell pregnant after 3 months of marriage by accident and was devastated, she had so many plans to study etc and children were not in those plans. So she had her little girl and things turned out perfectly, they then decided that they wanted a little boy and so did the timed intercourse thing that is supposed to result in a boy pregnancy and voila, first month success and what do you know….she had a boy!

And so here I am, trying for almost 3 years to have one child where her kids are 5 and 2 and a half. She knows what we are going through but chooses not to get it, she doesn’t even try to understand it, she is one of those fertile people that tell you to relax and it will happen, just stop thinking about it and you’ll be pregnant before you know it. It frustrates me, so I choose not to tell her when I am cycling, but you see….she has this sixth sense thing going where she will phone me out of the blue on the day of a negative beta! So I don’t take her calls and it’s normally a couple of weeks before I feel strong enough to deal with her.

After the fact, I will explain that we had another failed cycle and that was the reason I was keeping to myself and she gets upset, tells me that she doesn’t care what I say, even if I just cry, she wants to talk to me and know what’s going on in my life. It’s just so hard and I always end up feeling bad. And so there is a point to this story, we went out with them for lunch on Saturday, it ended up in the usual way….”Tam, please phone me, I want to know what’s happening with you, even if you just phone me to cry” and I felt bad.

Saturday night, I never slept, woke up early Sunday to go out for breakfast with Frank’s folks, his sister and her three beautiful children. Afterwards we went shopping and every corner I turned, there were pregnant bellies or women pushing prams with new borns. Sunday night, I hardly slept again. Come Monday, I’m tired and feeling sorry for myself….I go and read some blogs and see that many of my cyclesista’s got BFP’s while I was dealing with my BFN and although I am happy for them, I am just so sad for me.

And so last night the tears started and as I sit here, I can feel them burning the back of my eyes…I know it will take something small to bring them rushing forward and then they just don’t stop. I am battling to find the words to tell you why I am so sad, I can’t understand why I am feeling so down when I was fine, why am I so scared when I should be looking forward to a bright future?

All our failures are just getting to me, I can’t believe that another IVF is on the cards, I never wanted to be a statistic, one of those women who went through endless treatments with nothing to show for them. Now I know that many of you have been through worse and I shouldn’t be feeling sorry for myself, at least there is still a future, lots that we can do to make our dream of becoming parents come true but this is just were I am at right now.

I know that this will pass, I know that we will get through this, like we always do but I am just so tired, so so tired of doing this and having to move on and feel better. I do know that our time will come and like many of you, IF will still be a factor but we will have beaten the odds and all I can do is pray that time comes soon...

I'm back and the news is not so good...

2007-11-13T14:25:00.000+02:00

For those of you who couldn’t get onto Bumble’s site and didn’t see her comment on my last post….my beta was negative.

I’m back from leave and feeling quite relaxed and rested, today is my first day back at work and I would be lying if I say that I am happy to be back, I still feel a bit strange and could have done with some more time just to feel a little stronger, the people that we did tell are all having withdrawal and obviously want details as they too haven’t heard much since my sms. I don’t have details, it is still hard to talk about it and say, “well….yes, everything went well, it should have worked but it didn’t”

You all know what it’s like, they don’t know why, they don’t really tell you much just that it didn’t work and that they are sorry. My follow up appointment was supposed to be Wednesday last week but since we were away we had to move it and subsequently had to move it again so my follow up is only on the 29th. I’m okay with that, it’s really not a matter of urgency, it failed….I can’t see what they are going to say that they didn’t say last time. This time I have a list of questions of my own tho…

We had a good holiday, found strength in each other and rested well. I must say that I found it much easier being away from everyone and being able to grieve on our own and in our own time. We’re still sad, we’re tired of all this and we trying to build up the strength to move on but move on and be stronger we will. We have spoken about doing the next fresh cycle and are probably looking at Jan/Feb next year, it seems so early to talk about it but as you all know, it does help just a little bit to have a plan.

The thought of having to do a fresh cycle scares me to death, I was really hoping that I’d never have to go there again, I hated the needles, I hated everything about IVF, I only realized afterwards how hard it was. But so be it, we don’t really have any other choice, it’s that or making peace with not having children and I’m not ready for that just yet.

I’m not sure if I should try something different this time round, any info improving egg quality will be highly appreciated. Thank you all for all your heartfelt comments, it really does help, I know that you all feel our pain.

I haven’t had time to catch up on everyone just yet but will be dropping by your blogs in the next few days!! It’s good to be back in blogland!

13dpo or 10 days past FET...

2007-10-29T11:38:00.000+02:00

I must tell you all that I have started this post a few times now but haven't finished it because for one, I have been hellishly busy at work, trying to finish up before we leave for holiday and also because I don't really have much to say....now this is a new one (I always have something to say!!)

And so time is moving along, it's actually gone quite fast compared to my normal 2ww. As of today, I have 2 more sleeps to go until I go for my Beta...and I am slowly but surely starting to loose my mind.

I have been feeling really good, really hopeful but must admit that I have had a few miserable days in which I've been grumpy as all hell. I still have no symptoms to write home about...normally by this time (and long before) I have progesterone-induced symptoms and this month I don't even have those....there are a few things that I think are odd but some days I think that maybe they are all in my head so I'll keep them to myself and make a list of them when my beta comes back positive!!

Anyway, I suppose it's okay because I don't know what it's like to be pregnant or how I will feel when I am because I have never been there before....Frank is convinced that I am pregnant, in fact he's even started talking to my tummy, asking our little ones to hang on tight, it's really sweet but does feel a bit wierd, he NEVER does stuff like that!! My Angel is still praying with me everyday and keeps on telling me that G*d is going to heal me....and you know what....I BELIEVE that he will....

Frank and I leave for holiday on Friday, so I'll go for my beta, wait for the news and then we'll be on our way so I wont be able to update you all...I'll ask Bumble to let you all know tho, I can't leave you in the dark for 10 days!!

Right now, i'm trying to stay calm and keep the hope alive...come on little Love, Hope and Faith...

Do you think I have lost my mind....

2007-10-24T18:48:00.000+02:00

Look at what I have done.....

Aren't they just too sweet...I know what you are thinking, I haven't completely lost it, maybe just a little bit...but let me tell you why...well, last night while getting in to bed I was thinking about this whole FET thing we've done, the one that has felt so surreal up until now and all of a sudden this thought popped into my head "well, who says it's gonna work this time, I mean really what's different and why should it"

And so it began, the doubts....I was hoping that they'd stay away a little longer but where there is hope....so today when my angel (that lady at work I was telling you about) came to pray for me, I told her that I was scared and that what if it didn't work! She told me (ever so calmly and as if she knows something that I don't know) that I need to believe and have faith, God will help me.

And so, I decided to get something to help me believe, something to help me have faith and so today after work, I went and bought 3 little vests, one for each of my littlies...Love, Hope and Faith.

I was also chatting to a lady that's temping by us at the moment (it's such a small world) she also went to Vitalab and has a 3 year old little boy from her very last FET and she was telling me that I need to visualise my little embies and see them growing and implanting, now I don't have a very good imagination but tonight that is what I am gonna try...

I also need to remind myself of a few things, this cycle is different from my IVF and will work because:

I was so much less stressed this time
My embies where grown for a little bit longer than my others so they must be stronger
They did assisted hatching on them this time which they say helps them break out and implant
This cycle was more natural, I didn't have all those hormones floating around in me, making me crazy
My lining was actually thicker this time round
My bladder was so full this time that it made my transfer much smoother (will post comparison scans soon)
There are three instead of two, so that should higher our chances for even a singleton pregnancy

That's all I can think of for now, it also helps that there are loads of women out there that FET's have been successful for, this needs to work!!

Other than starting to lose my mind, things are all fine...feeling very normal, just waiting for the progesterone to kick in!! Not that much longer to go tho, 9 more days!!!

Here's to the 2ww!!

2007-10-22T13:00:00.000+02:00

And so the wait begins!! Sorry to keep you all hanging but i've been doing the bed rest thing, at home today too but back to work tomorrow.

My transfer was yesterday and I am very pleased to say that Love, Hope & Faith all survived the thaw and were ALL transferred! They are now 5, 8 & 9 celled embryo's (formally 4, 7 & 8 cells) and Dr J said that there was no sign of degeneration...

It's wierd because they are 5 day old embryo's grown for 3 full days and then thawed for 2 but have not yet reached blast stage which I pressume is normal when it comes to freezing and then thawing them, the "query compacted" one was the 4 celled embryo and that one kept growing, they think that the 9 cell one was compacting but put it back anyway because they had been wrong about the 4 cell one, like Dr J said....this isn't and exact science so it's a chance you take and I agree. I couldn't be happier!!

My transfer went much more smoothly than last time too because this time I made sure that my bladder was extra full!

I must say that I think I prefer FET's to the whole IVF procedure, I was much calmer this time round, in fact it still feels a bit surreal, I keep on having to remind myself that my embies are back where they belong. I'm feeling so much more positive too, I think the whole IVF procedure is a bit of a mind-fuck because you're so emotional from all the meds, the retrieval and just the whole process, this time round there's really none of that, yes the 2 day wait from thaw to transfer is scary but it just feels like there is so much less stress on your mind and body.

I started my progesterone last night, lovely stuff that, still drinking from 2.5 to 3 litres of water a day and (don't laugh) have been eating loads of pineapple!!

I can't tell you how happy Frank and I are that we have been blessed to get this far, thank you to all of you who were thinking of us and praying for us, it really means a lot. I have a good feeling about this cycle, I'm praying that little Love, Hope & Faith hang in there now (i'm not greedy but how do you choose, one live baby would be nice too).

Beta is on the 2nd November, i'll be 13 days past transfer then so the nurse said it might be too early, we might get a low beta but i think it will be fine, we are leaving to go away that day and I really didn't see the point in waiting until Monday which would be my origional beta date, if need be I'll have bloods done while we away....

Here's to the 2ww!

Tomorrow's the day...

2007-10-18T16:08:00.000+02:00

....that Love, Hope and Faith get taken out the freezer and start growing again to be placed back into my waiting womb, I am so excited and ever so hopeful!

One of the ladies that I work with came to pray for me and my babies today, she's a lovely black lady that I have known for ages, she told me a while ago that she know's that we are battling to have a baby (she know's nothing more than that) and that she is praying for me but that if I want her to some and pray with me, I must tell her. I never did....

And so after my scan on Tuesday, I came into work and asked her to pray for me on Sunday, so she told me that she would but even better she would come and pray with me on Thursday and Friday...and so today, she came to my office and prayed for me, I have no idea what she was saying because she prayed in her language, but she put her hands on me, all over my tummy. I was so moved by this I felt like weeping....after that she told me to get a glass of water and she prayed over this glass and told me to drink it....we will do the same thing tomorrow and this time I will explain to her and ask her to pray for my embies too. I have never been comfortable with stuff like this but today, it just felt right.

I am going out with my girl-friends tonight, we'll have a few drinks and maybe some dancing, I didn't want to go because I think that I really shouldn't be drinking now but Frank thinks that it'll be good for me to just relax a bit and take my mind off things and he is right, so I'll have one or two and just have some fun...

Tomorrow's the day, grow little ones....grow!

Trigger tonight!

2007-10-16T09:54:00.000+02:00

Yup, Yup and Yup again!!! We are triggering tonight, follie was a nice 18+ and lining a nice 11+, Dr is very impressed with my lining and said that it needs a baby now, I couldn't agree more.

It really heped that he was being nice seen as he walked in while I was still tryna get on bed (in all my nicker-less glory), I nearly fell off the bed I got such a fright, he did look suitably embarassed tho!!!

So, now I carry on drinking 2 - 2.5 litres of water a day (not sure why but this was the procedure during IVF too). They will take the embies out on Friday and they will phone me with instructions for Transfer on Saturday. I will be on progesterone but will only start that on Sunday, no Etra-pause this time and only one progesterone a day, funny how it's so different this time, I think they try and keep things more natural this time round which may just be the key!!

So, now we wait....and pray....for Love, Hope & Faith!!

I am grateful...

2007-10-15T08:19:00.000+02:00

First off - let me give you the FET cycle update....CD11 today, third visit with my least favourite friend reveals a 16+ follie and a lovely triple stripe 9+ lining!!!! One more scan to go and then probably trigger tomorrow night and embie transfer on Sunday....wooooo hooooo!!!

I must be honest and say that as I was lying there today asking Dr G if growing them for two more days makes them 5 day embryo's and listening to his response I started getting a bit scared, you see they'll take them out of the freezer on friday, and according to him they should carry on growing and the reason they give them two days is to make sure that they are "viable" - oh shit, now that scares me. In one way, I don't want to be stupid and take for granted that we'll be doing a FET on Sunday but in another way, I want to be blissfully naive...

So I have chosen to be hopeful (because let's face it, we're way past the naive stage), I have chosen to believe that we WILL be doing our FET on Sunday, welcome in hope, please make yourself comfy for a very long stay!! You see, up until that word "viable" today, I have been so excited, so hopeful, feeling soooo much better than I have in a very very long time.

My MIL bought me this book, it's called "The secret" and basically it is about asking, believing and receiving our belief's, i'll do a post about it another time because I do believe that we can all benefit from thinking this way, but the one thing that struck a cord with me was "Ask for something once, believe that it will be given to you and then act as if you have recieved it, you cannot ask/recieve something if you don't believe that asking for it means that you will get it" Another thing is to think happy thoughts, be in that "good" place and banish all bad thoughts, bad thoughts become your reality and be thankful for what you do have, saying thank you and being thankful changes the way we feel about things.

Since I have been reading this book, I've been trying to live by these rules....and so far so good, and so I want to list the things I am grateful for:

I am grateful.....
....for my loving, faithful and understanding husband
....for my family, both new and old
....for my beautiful home
....for my health
....for my friends, real life ones and the ones I've made in blogland
....that we have technology to help us have children
....that we can afford fertility treatments as many can't
....that I have frozen embies to transfer
....that I still have time

There is so much more that I can add to this list but I might never stop, so those are the important ones, in today's world all we do is complain, we never have any good to say and from now on I'm going to try and stay positive and look at the good things in life instead of focusing on the bad.

Here is my tarot card that was on Face.book today...and also my inspiration for today's post:

The Nine of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in remarkable gratitude. I am not a victim. There are no lost causes. "I've been there, done that, and know suffering -- but it's all good." I'm still standing. "Can't touch this." Self-pity is an excuse to do nothing. To appeal to sympathy for pity's sake is to seek affirmation of the choice to do nothing. I am empowered by the spirit and support of meaningful experience and I transform with silent resilience.

While you are out and about, please send some love to Mands who has just had her ET and also to Chanti who is suffering a loss.....we are all here for you girls and praying everyday.

One day we will all feel this way...

2007-10-09T13:22:00.000+02:00

A friend sent me this poem and I must say that if I wasn't in the best frame of mind I think I might have been really sad but instead I choose to look forward to doing all these things with my children one day, and ladies...so should you all because we WILL get there!!!

Just for this morning,
I am going to smile when I see your face
and laugh when I feel like crying.

Just for this morning,
I will let you choose what you want to wear,
and smile and say how perfect it is.

Just for this morning,
I am going to step over the laundry
and pick you up and take you to the park to play.

Just for this morning,
I will leave the dishes in the sink,
and let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together.

Just for this afternoon,
I will unplug the telephone and keep the computer off
and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon,
I will not yell once, not even a tiny grumble when you scream
and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by.

Just for this afternoon,
I won't worry about what you are going to be when you grow up,
or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned.

Just for this afternoon,
I will let you help me bake cookies
and I won't stand over you trying to fix them.

Just for this afternoon,
I will take us to McDonald's
and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening,
I will hold you in my arms
and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you.

Just for this evening,
I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry.

Just for this evening,
I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening,
I will snuggle beside you for hours and miss my favourite TV shows.

Just for this evening when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest gift ever given.

And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.......

Just beautiful, in my heart of hearts I know that we will all be kissing our children good-night one day and thanking God for this beautifull gift, just believe!

Love, Hope & Faith...

2007-10-08T11:23:00.000+02:00

AF finally showed her face on friday and so on Saturday I went for a spin with my old friend, Mr Dildocam!! I can't really say that I missed that guy, nor can I say I missed Vita.lab. Now...don't get me wrong, I looooove Vita.lab, the dr's, the nurses, everything about them is wonderful, it's what Vita.lab represents that I don't love, it's being there and waiting for the scans and the treatments that I don't love. You see, we haven't done this in a while and so it felt really strange to be back there again, even Frank said "I don't like this place" and so be it. But they have our little frosties and they looking after them for us, so there you have it, we don't have to love it, but this is part of the process!

The very good news is that all is quiet on the ovary front, no cysts or growths to be seen on either ovary, my lining was 4mm which could be better but seeing as I was only on CD2 and I was still bleeding like a stuck pig, that will be better by now!!

The dr that discussed our embryo's with us last time scanned me, I love this man, he is wonderful, so compassionate and just really, really a nice guy. He told me that he was happy to see me back and that it was all going to be okay, and I believe him, it will be, soon my little embies will be on board and everything will be just perfect! He also said that they are having very good success rates with their natural FET cycles and so girls, I have decided that everything is going to be just perfect and that my lining will develop nicely on it's own, my embies will thaw and carry on growing strong until transfer and we are going to get a BFP out of this cycle!! I am feeling much more positive about everything now, last week was hard, I hate all the game playing that goes with this and I must be honest, it knocked me off my feet again but things are looking up....we have Love, Hope and Faith....

I go back on CD8 for a scan, which I think will be too early for much action but you never know, I am back at reflexology which always helps get those ovaries into gear. So scan on friday, and the probably scans every other day until my follie is ready, we will then trigger and they will thaw our embies, i'm not sure of the process after that but we will see as we go along....

I have saved the other very very very good news for last, it was a rather pleasant surprise. Dr G says that we have 3 embryo's in the freezer, I don't know how I got that one wrong. Frank has been telling me that we do but I thought they never froze the third one, Frank says that I never listen well enought because I am always so emotional, he on the other hand, gets the facts!! And for once, I am truly happy that he was right!

And so we have a 7 and 8 celled embie, I am not sure of how many cells the third one has got but they are calling it a "query compacted" so in other words, it may have looked like it was compacting but it may carry on growing once they take it out the freezer, so ladies...there you have....Love, Hope & Faith are waiting for me to be ready for them. We are hoping that all three thaw perfectly and that they can all be put back....

Let's the good times roll, here's to Love, Hope & Faith!!

False alarm...

2007-10-03T08:14:00.000+02:00

Okay, so temp did a nose dive this morning, I can feel AF gearing up all of a sudden. Very wierd stuff this.
.
I'm okay, I must be honest and say that I was praying so hard before I looked at my temp this morning, and my heart dropped down to my stomach and I felt that same old feeling of failure as I looked at my temp. I didn't cry, I got out of bed and got on with my day. I thought about it all the time tho, while I was doing my make up, choosing something to wear, just a sadness that I don't need to explain and as I sit here typing this, I really want to cry but I'm NOT going to.
.
I'm not going to cry because I let myself get excited...
I'm not going to cry because every time this happens I feel like a failure...
I'm not going to cry because I let hope in the door...
I'm not going to cry because I find this so unfair...
I'm not going to cry because this really wasn't necessary, I really didn't need this right now, I've been feeling so good, so positive and so hopefull for my FET...
.
Instead I am going to choose be put this behind me, to look forward to a brighter, better future. I am choosing to not let this get me down, I am choosing to have faith and hope and to believe in something much bigger than all of this.
.
AF should be here either today or tomorrow which means my CD2 scan is coming up shortly, i'm trying not to think that there is something strange going on in there, I'm trying to be positive and tell myself that everything is going to be perfect and that i'll be able to start my FET cycle soon.
.
So girls, all is not lost...yes, so i got a little dirty falling down again, put i'm picking myself up and dusting myself off, looking forward to this next cycle and hoping and praying that we will be celebrating a bit more before christmas this year!
.
Thank you all for you wonderful support and comments, you all rock!

It seems that she has lost her voice....

2007-10-02T09:03:00.000+02:00

And so it would seem as if AF has lost her voice (for now at least) or maybe she's just a bit reluctant to sing!!

Today is 16dpo, for those of you who are experienced in charting, I have put a link to my chart for you viewing pleasure....as you will see, I haven't really done that well with charting this month as I am really trying to break the habit, I really like to just pin point O and then see if AF is going to show so I can be prepared, so as you can see, I started again yesterday just to see if I needed some "goodies" at work and to my surprise, my temp was still up and so I did the most stupid thing I could think of, I peed on a stick. Those damn evil pee sticks as Leah often calls them, now...those of you who have been following my blog know that this is virtually unheard of, I NEVER pee on those things...I really don't know what came over me. It is also the first time that I have peed on a stick and AF hasn't come running within hours of said pee'ing....

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/cc6d5

There was not even a hint of a line, and still today...no hint of dear old Aunty Flo either!! I feel completely normal, way too normal for either AF to be on her way or for that elusive BFP. My skin has broken out which is normal for this time of the month...and so I expect AF...other than that, my boobs (which have been poked and proded way too much) feel completely fine, not sore at all which is strange since I always get sore BB's before AF. I am however getting a strange sensation in my tum, it feels like I have pulled something on my right hand side, but i only feel it when I lie down, very strange.

I have also been peeing A LOT, but then again, i have been drinking alot because the weather here is so miserable so really that could just be that.

It almost seems impossible for me to believe that this may actually be it, i'm okay with waiting a few days to find out if it is but the thing that worries me is the fact that I should really be on progesterone if this is indeed it. I am sure now that I did pin-point ovulation correctly (after much discussion with Bumble) so I am indeed 16dpo today, the only other times has been late was due to progesterone supplements and a cyst, yes that lovely cyst! However, I was at reflexology on saturday and she says that my ovaries feel fine, says she can't feel any inflamation or cysts....maybe she was wrong, I hope not, please G*D, please please please let this be it!!

I'm sorry that this post is all over the place but that is exactly how I am feeling lately, I cry at the drop of a hat too which is also a bit over the top for me, but once again, I blame the hormones - which ever ones they may be!

What was I thinking....

2007-10-01T16:17:00.000+02:00

15dpo today - HPT this morning due to high temps (very strange) - BFN - AAAARGH!! Still no sign of the old hag...

Some inspiration...

2007-09-25T10:09:00.000+02:00

A special friend of mine who also happens to be suffering with infertility sent this to me, and I just had to share it with all of you, I hope that this brings a smile to your face and peace in your heart if you are having a bad day!

An elderly Chinese woman had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which she carried across her neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walks from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the woman bringing home only one and a half pots of water. Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it could only do half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be bitter failure, it spoke to the woman one day by the stream. "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house." The old woman smiled, "Did you notice that there are flowers on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?" "That's because I have always known about your flaw, so I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walk back, you water them."

"For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house." Each of us has our own unique flaw. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are and look for the good in them.

SO, to all of my crackpot friends, have a great day and remember to smell the flower s on your side of the path!

I'm a happy Peanut!!

2007-09-18T13:15:00.000+02:00

It’s been quiet over here in Peanut’s land, not much happening really. Frank and I are now in our 2ww after our 2nd DIY cycle and I am happy to say that so far this cycle has turned out much better than the last one with Ovulation on CD15!! That’s much better than it has been which means that my cycles are now under 30 days again, I am a happy Peanut!!

As you all know, this DIY thing is not as easy as 1, 2, 3. It takes some practice to get back into the “swing” of things, I mean really, it’s been a while since having s.e.x was for trying to make a baby, well in our lives that is. So timed intercourse was out the window months ago and getting back into it was not so easy. It turns out that luck was on my side this month, Murphy has seemed to have left the building this time round!! Frank and I had planned a weekend away, as I have said in my previous posts…my husband is particularly stressed at the moment, work is hectic. As it turns out, a lady that I work with won a prize for a helicopter ride and breakfast on a mountain in Parys (not Paris – said Pa-race) which is about an hours drive from us, she had to go in for an op so decided that she would like to give it to me, Frank and I decided to make a weekend out of it and booked ourselves in for Friday and Saturday night with the heli ride on Sunday.

We had the most awesome weekend, lots of relaxing, reading and sitting by the river enjoying the view and the sun!! Oh and not to mention some much needed lovin’!! I was in the dark a bit about my cycle this month but was delighted to see my old friend EWCM on Friday night, I ovulated on Sunday which I was very happy about seeing as tho it was very well timed with our “dirty” weekend. Maybe, just maybe this will be the miracle that we have been hoping for provided I never killed off Frank’s sperm like I normally do, I never even thought about the bicarb douche this time round, oh well….sometimes miracles do happen, now we wait….and hope.

Here are some pics from the weekend…

In other news, Frank and I had time to chat about our FET, I’m not quite sure if I got my way yet as no decisions were made but some seeds were indeed sown. I want to do the FET in my next cycle, Frank initially said that October is really stressful for him and that we should wait until Nov, he then asked what it involved and I said, a couple of scans, a trigger and then the transfer….oestrogen and progesterone in the 2ww….and he said, okay…let’s take it as it comes and decide then….so ladies, either way…my little embies wont be frozen for much longer and I’ll be starting my FET cycle in 2 weeks or 6 weeks time….Peanut is very happy!! Roll on BFP!!

While you’re out and about ~ please go over and say congrats to Leah (little pee stick monster) and Erin who have mananged to get their BFP’s!! Bumble who has just found out that she is having a little girl and that she is perfect, and then last but not least….Mands, who is almost on her way to stimms!!

Post IVF....Cycle number 3!

2007-09-03T15:14:00.000+02:00

Well, as you clever little bloggers all guessed it…AF made her appearance yesterday, right on schedule. I’m okay, really…I’m not going to lie and tell you that I wasn’t a bit disappointed although I really expected AF to come, I was disappointed….I felt like crying but I didn’t and I was just feeling sorry for myself in general. I also think that when AF finally hits us, we are feeling rather hormonal anyway, so I’m just gonna blame the hormones for now.

Frank was a sweetie and took me out to Milky lane for a Whispers Waffle and Ice cream and while we were sitting there we spoke about the FET and things that have gotten away from us, it’s funny how life takes a back seat when IF is in the house! It’s taking us some time to get back on our feet financially, two and a half years of IF will do that to your finances, we are doing fine but have a few things to sort out, the good news is that by the end of the year, we’ll have cleared everything and hopefully have money left over for another fresh IVF cycle, which of-course we are hoping to not have to do but just in-case…

I try to explain to Frank and everybody that I am okay, I’m getting anxious and can’t wait to get on that rollercoaster again. We IF’s are a strange lot, as much as we hate the rollercoaster, we’re always rushing to get in line for it!! I can wait another two months or so to do the FET and this break has done both of us the world of good. I was broken after my IVF, emotionally and physically and I had no hope what-so-ever for my FET, I was convinced that it wouldn’t work anyway so I didn’t want to do it, I didn’t want to even go there. I feel different now, I have so much hope for my little embies, I’m feeling really good and I know that by the time I get there, I’m going to be so much better and really really ready!

But I am still angry, so I’m okay…but angry. The anger just never seems to go away, sometimes it just simmers under the surface and on other days it just wants to explode and bubble out for everyone to see…I still really don’t get any of this. It makes me angry that Frank and I even have to do this, that we have to try and work out when to do a FET because money comes in to it, it makes me angry that I see pregnant women everywhere and that I am jealous of them and that all I want is to be them, it makes me angry that I even have to feel this way….I’m angry at myself for not making peace with it, for even trying to understand “why” after all this time. I am angry for being angry…

The strange this is that none of this even seems real, I can’t get my mind around the fact that we have done IVF, that we have little embies out there waiting for us to make a decision, the fact that I would have already been 14 and a half weeks pregnant by now, the fact that I feel like I am wasting precious time….

I’m rambling, please forgive me but there is so much that I need to get out, the kind of stuff you don't realise is there until your fingers hit the keyboard. When I type these words I realise that I am not ready, I think I am ready but my mind isn’t. I need to get rid of all this anger, I need to be free of it now, I need to accept that this is the way it is but that it’s not the end of the world, I will be okay, I wont be angry anymore one day, one day I will feel different about all of this, I will have my little one and like Bumble, I will finally be alive, finally complete.

Okay so this was meant to be a short one...I am happy about one thing…33 days is better than 39…maybe this one will be a normal 26 days!! See even my body is telling me to take some more time…

Updates...and Rocking girl bloggers!!

2007-08-28T17:53:00.000+02:00

No, I haven’t fallen off the edge of blogland, I’ve been quite busy lately so I haven’t had much time to blog. I have however been trying to keep up with your blogs…there is just so much happening out there at the moment, so many of you ladies are now pregnant and are living from day to day, from scans to scans….some of you are waiting for beta’s – I wish you all the best of luck!!

There is really not much happening on my side, I am sure that I am more than half way through my 2ww by now, this cycle was so confusing, my 4 day long EWCM never corresponded with my temp rise so now I wait for AF to come so that I can really pin-point when I O’d. Weird stuff I tell you, it’s funny how much the IVF drugs have messed up my cycles, I think that this cycle will be about 33 days which is better than a 39 day cycle but still quite a bit longer than the 26 day cycles I am used to.

As a result of my cycle being so screwed up, the DIY thing never worked that well…so I think we missed O by quite a few days so there really is the slightest chance that it may have worked but I’m not getting my hopes up, in fact…for the first time in a long time, I wont be devastated when AF shows, I will however be very surprised if she doesn’t…It feels good to not worry about it, to not analyse every twitch and every symptom and to just be.

Frank and I have been having some really good times with friends and you know that I would be lying if I said that being childless didn’t still bother me, I do still think about it, in fact as time passes, I am starting to think about it even more. I have not told Frank, I’m letting him enjoy the break but I am starting to think about our FET, I think that I’ll be ready for it quite soon, when I say quite soon I am hoping for October/November so that is still a little while away. We are planning to go away in the first week or so of November and ideally I would like to have had my transfer already so that we can really take it easy but with my cycles being so screwy, it’s not easy to work out if the would even be an option. All I know is that I don’t want to cycle anywhere close to Christmas and New year, last year we were in our first IUI 2ww over Christmas and I found out on New years day that it hadn’t worked, not the way I want to start a new year this time round!! So I suppose we’ll see how it goes…but I do think of my little embies often and wonder if just maybe they are going to make me a mommy soon!

In other news, Mands and I met for brunch on this past Saturday, it was wonderful seeing her again, it’s so nice to have personal contact with someone that really gets me, it’s different talking to a fellow IF than talking to other friends that just.don’t.get.it, the ones who stare blankly at you and ask the same question 10 thousand times – geez, not usre where that came from - as I was saying, Mands is real special, such a sweet, down to earth soul and I can really sense the beginning of a beautiful friendship. I am wishing you all the best with your up-coming IVF sweetie, maybe we’ll be cyclesista’s!! Let’s hope we can bring our little ones up together!!

So now, down to the rocking girl bloggers!!

1. Janine from Me the bumblebee – Janine is such a special soul, when I think of Janine I think of her as being my twin soul, we have that connection. She has also been there during the hard times and I know that I can always count on her no matter how she is feeling at the time. I wish that we were closer but even tho we are far apart I know that we have a friendship that will last a lifetime! Her blog has touched so many of us through the way that she is so open and honest, a very special soul indeed! I am so happy for her aswell, she has been on this IF rollercoaster way too long!

2. Anna from Anna's parapraxis - I only started reading Anna's blog at the beginning of her IVF which wasn't that long ago...I really connected with Anna and it's really weird but I feel so close to her. I can totally relate to the way Anna's says things and am also hoping for the best now that she is pregnant!

3. Mands from The secret Garden - I have said quite a bit about Mands above but also want to add that she is such a positive person and I love that about her, hoping that your journey ends soon my friend.

4. Sticky bun - I have been reading sticky's blog since the very beginning of my blog, this is one blogger that I can totally relate too, she also says it how it is and isn't afraid to let the raw feelings of IF come pouring out, she has a wonderful balance between strength and sensitivity. Here's to the two little stickies you have growing inside you sweetie!!

5. JJ from Reproductive Jeans - I think that JJ has to have been chosen more than once, I see JJ as the centre of our blogesphere, JJ pulls us all together. She has some wonderful idea's and just brings us all together. JJ also has the most wonderful way of putting thing, her writing is beautiful and I think that we all love JJ! I hope your journey ends soon JJ!

I wish that I knew all of you in person, you are all very special ladies!

Can you tell I'm bored?

2007-08-26T17:08:00.000+02:00

Your Birthdate: August 4

You have an extraordinary character - moral, responsible, and disciplined.
Your sincerely and honesty shine through in almost every situation.
Driven and focused, you rarely let your emotions get the better of you.
You're level headed and rational. People count on your to look at things objectively.

Your strength: Your unwavering loyalty and ethics

Your weakness: Your rock solid stubbornness

Your power color: Navy blue

Your power symbol: Shield

Your power month: April

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

More pics...

2007-08-16T13:44:00.000+02:00

Kel, Emm & Me...

Kelly & I (very drunk at this stage)...

Frank & I... My Darling & my sister... My cousin & I...

That's all for now folks...don't want to bore you!!

Birthday pics and DIY news...

2007-08-16T10:59:00.000+02:00

Well well well, now I know that my birthday was like 2 weeks ago now but we decided to go out with some friends on friday night since the weekend of my birthday didn't work because everyone was a bit flat. The same can't be said for Friday night...we got home at 6am in a very very very drunken state, we had so much fun and I really needed it...

I have told you many times how IF has changed my life and I have recently decided to get my life and my husband back, I stopped doing everything that made me who I am, hell I even stopped drinking coffee and while this probably all helps for IF, it was really doing me no good, so I am going to live my life now and try not put IF first. Of-course this may take a bit of getting used to but we are going to try, we are not going to be stoopid about this and live our lives in a drunken stooper etc but instead of saying "but what if" all the time we are just going to try and live like we did before IF came along...oh, the days of innocence.

As for my DIY cycle, it's been harder than I thought and now remember what it was like trying on our own without Dr's to tell is what to do and when to do it. The whole IVF seems to have messed things us quite a bit, I was hoping to have a normal cycle this month seeing as tho last month was so strange and altho it is looking better, things are still strange.

I am on CD17 today and have had some cramping in my ovary area since day 7, I was worried that I may have a cyst but didn't feel like getting proded and pocked so I left it, I'm happy to say that I have had tons of EWCM for 4 days now and it is finally starting to dry up so hopefully that egg is going to pop sometime soon. Waiting for a temp rise (yes, I caved...don't know how to do this without help anymore). I have decided not to do the prog.esterone thing this month and just see what happens...

And now for some pics from Friday night...

Okay, so blogger is buggering me around and I need to go out quick....more pics to follow...

Personality test...

2007-08-14T16:18:00.000+02:00

Now, this is quite accurate...really sounds like me...see, I told you I was a control freak!!

ESTJs are responsible, logical, norm-following hard workers. Their efforts are carried out in a practical, structured manner. ESTJs trust facts and experiences more than theories. They are decisive, loyal, tradition observing individuals. They enjoy being the person in charge and often make good supervisors.

To all the special women I know...

2007-08-08T15:49:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow is women's day here in S.A - so I wanted to share a few words that were sent to me by a friend...I am proud to be a women and proud to be connected by the world wide web with all you wonderful women!! Here's to all of you...

RESPECT A WOMAN BECAUSE….

You can feel her INNOCENCE in form of a daughter
You can feel her CARE in form of a sister
You can feel her WARMTH in form of a friend
You can feel her PASSION in form of a beloved
You can feel her DEDICATION in form of a wife
You can feel her DIVINITY in form of a mother
You can feel her BLESSING in form of a grandmother
Yet she is so TOUGH too…
But her heart is so TENDER…
So NAUGHTY…
So CHARMING…
So SHARING…
So MELODIUS…
She is a WOMAN
And she is life!!!

To all the wonderful woman that I know, I hope you have a fantastic woman’s day and hope you won’t forget how special you are!!!
Tons of love xxx

New beginnings!!

2007-08-07T16:13:00.000+02:00

I’m back!! Sorry I have been MIA for a while, things have been quite hectic!! I wasn’t on at all this weekend (it was my 29th birthday!!) and missed the good news of Anna’s BFP!! Great news Anna, you know i’m still praying for ya!! Go and show her some love ladies!! Also, I was so pleased to hear that Sticky bun has two, yes two little stickies in there, woo hoo chicken, praying for you too!!

On a sad note, Carrie is really needing your love right now, please go give her some, also JJ, we are all worried about you sweetie and please know that you are in our prayers always.

My little friend Bumble has also hit the 15 week mark and I must say that I am so thrilled that things are going well, I think of you all the time my friend and wish that we were closer…

In other news, I am happy to announce that all it took for our not so loved auntie to make her appearance, was a call to Vita*lab…she came running like so mad women!! So, I am on CD 8 of our DIY cycle today, let the games begin!! I normally ovulate around CD12 (presuming this cycle will be normal) so I am waiting for EWCM to make a show and then I’ll start with the bicarb…lovely, lovely stuff I tell ya!! I am not temping or POAS or on any OPK’s so I’m winging it which will be a new one for me….wish me luck!!

I am still in two minds as to what to do with the progesterone so I need to actually phone a nurse at Vita*lab and ask for some advice, you see I don’t want to not take it because I’m worried that I *might* fall pregnant and lose it because I’m not on progesterone but also don’t really want to be on progesterone because it delays AF and I’d have to test every month and ya’ll know I just love POAS!!! We’ll see I suppose…

I am also happy to report that I am feeling much much much better lately, I think that waiting for AF played a big part in the way I was feeling, I feel like I can finally breathe again, it’s almost like I can finally close that chapter, the failed IVF chapter that felt like it was never going to end. I’m starting over now, with renewed hope and strength. I have decided that this next year of my life is going to be the one, I will be pregnant before I am 30!!!

Thank you all for all your kind words during my difficult weeks and I love you all for being so special, I honestly don’t know what I would have done without the great support for all you guys. Hugs for all of you.

I have been a bit slack with comments and blog reading lately but I am trying desperately to catch up, but please know that I am thinking of you all as you travel the road to your different destinations!! Here’s to new beginnings!!

Bitter sweet...

2007-07-30T09:53:00.000+02:00

Well it seems that most of you are on board, please let me know if there is anyone that I have left off that would like to come over (thanks JJ!!), I hope that this is not too difficult, there were loads of readers to close to home for comfort…statcounter is a wonderful warning tool!! We have shared parts of our journey with some people but there are just some things that I can’t bear for them to read…

I am sorry that I have been MIA for a while but I have been keeping an eye on all of you, Congrats to Baby Blues and Sticky bun!! JJ, we are waiting with baited breath for your results chicken, praying it's good news!! Also while you’re out and about, please send some love to Carrie too.

Life hasn’t been easy lately and so I am taking things one day at a time, I am finally starting to sleep again and am feeling a little better, I am still going for physio and that seems to be helping too. I still have bad days where I feel very tearful but those are also getting to be less frequent. I’m still getting a lot of headaches but I still think that it’s got a lot to do with my screwed up cycle.

Talking about screwed up cycles, I am now on CD39, I have never never never had a cycle this long, the good news is that it does feel like AF might be on her way but in saying that I have felt that a few times and still have nothing to show for it!! The sad thing is the warped part of my brain has been wondering if maybe, just maybe they got my beta wrong, now how sad it that!! Of-course I do know that that is highly unlikely and it does amaze me to think that my brain can still go there…not all is lost.

Frank and I have been fine, like I said before, things have been difficult and I do know that it has all been me, I am so over-emotional and irrational, difficult as all hell. It has taken me some time to see that it is all me and that the poor guy is trying to make sense of what has replaced his once calm and loving wife, I am still in here but I’ve been battling to get out a bit. I never thought of myself as a stressed person who over-reacts at the drop of a hat, I have always been quite calm and happy go lucky, IF has changed that, no actually it was gradual, IVF seems to be what pushed me over the edge and destroyed my balancing act!!

It’s taken some real soul searching to realize that it is time to start making a change, I don’t know how I let myself become this person, I don’t particularly like who I have become now days (as I am sure neither do most of you) and I am on a mission to get the old Tam back, I have found some yoga classes which I am going to join (just one) and have decided to start looking after my body again because I have been punishing it something terrible lately and once my cycles come back to normal I am going to start acupuncture.

Frank and I still haven’t discussed the FET, we are leaving that conversation for when I am more myself and a lot less stressed and emotional, it’s the last thing I can think about right now, right now I need some work. It has also occurred to me that maybe the stress is just too much for my body to cope with and maybe that’s part of the reason I can’t fall pregnant, maybe my body just wont allow me to go there until my mind is right, I need to learn to….yes, I am going to say that word us IF’s hate….R.E.L.A.X!!

Time is passing quite quickly now, it’s been 10 weeks since I started my stim cycle for IVF, so if it had worked then I would be almost 10 weeks pregnant by now and my life would be very different, it’s been almost 6 weeks since I got my BFN and it is slowly starting to feel better. It really gets me that we have to deal with screwed up cycles on top of all this, damn IF!!

And here comes the bitter sweet part, a very dear friend of mine had her little baby boy this morning, today marks a very bitter sweet part of my journey, this friend also had problems conceiving, we both went to Vitalab in October last year, the only difference is that she fell pregnant on her first cycle there and as a result finally has her little bundle of joy…I am of-course very happy for her and will be seeing them and their new arrival tonight, I love her dearly and wish only the best for them but this is still a hard day….

Please come and join me....

2007-07-23T16:01:00.000+02:00

This is a shout out to all of you precious ladies that have travelled this road with me, I am about to make my blog private which means that you will only be able to read it through invitation from me...so please, please, please send me your e-mail adresses so I can send you an invite...

You can either send your adresses to me @ tammydotgardiner@spardotcodotza or you can leave me a comment with it in it...hope to see you on "the other side"

Lots of love to you all...

Hoping for a Miracle...

2007-07-18T09:55:00.000+02:00

I finally decided to go to my GP, Frank has been bugging me to go and see her because I just can’t shake these headaches, I’ve been getting headaches daily since before my BFN. I thought it was just hormones so I phoned Vita.lab and spoke to one of the nurses, she says that no, the hormones would have worked themselves out in a week or so…

Anyway, I went to her thinking that she’d say that it’s just sinus and maybe a bit of flu coming on since I have been sore all over and generally feeling a bit out of sorts. It turns out that it’s all stress related – funny that! The headaches are tension headaches (they can tell you this by where they are), my neck is stiff and sore which I have been complaining about but thought I’d just to get to a message sometime but she’s sending me for physio…

So the diagnosis, stress and fatigue…with a bit of sinus. She also wants to check my thyroid and iron levels because apparently I look a bit anemic….or maybe it’s just lack of sun :)

I sat and spoke to her for a while about IF, she is planning IVF in the next 6 weeks as well so knows how hard this can be, it was refreshing to speak to someone different. You see, her life has been much harder than mine…A few years ago, she was in a car accident and was in a coma for 6 months, she was in the top 3 of her class and in the middle of med school when this happened. When she came around, she had to learn how to walk and talk and do all the things you and I take for granted, she eventually went back to med school and failed. She tried again and finished in the top 20, the reason she needs IVF is because she was so messed up from the accident that she is unable to fall pregnant without IVF. A sad story but also one of those that gives you hope and makes you realize that maybe, just maybe your life isn’t that bad.

She is wonderful, so full of life and positivity. I really take my hat off to her. Anyway, she asked why I can’t fall pregnant and I told her it was because of Endo, hostile mu,cus/acidity and a prog deficiency, she said that many people fall pregnant with all of these naturally and she is right, we just got sick of the DIY stuff and stopped trying naturally…she also said that she thinks that I haven’t dealt with this enough, haven’t quite moved on and she is right.

After my appointment with her, I spoke to Frank and we have decided to give it some more time, we will start trying naturally as soon as my body is back to normal, I will do the bicarb thing for my acidity and get prog.esterone from her to use in the 2ww. We are thinking about putting the FET off until next year, for now this is the plan, “the plan” might change of-course and I might not be able to wait as long for the FET but for now I feel good. I need to put this all behind me for a bit, it’s been a hard year. It’s not an easy decision to make but one that I feel I needed to. Who knows, miracles do happen every once in a while…

Prayers for Bumble...

2007-07-18T09:07:00.000+02:00

I know that most of you have been over at Bumbles to wish her, Mr Bumble and little sprog well, but if you haven’t please go over and give them some support, they are going through a really rough time right now.

Bumble, my heart is breaking for you my dear friend, I wish that I was there to give you a hug and to cry with you, just to hold your hand. Like I said to you yesterday, I am here for you anytime – night or day – just a phone call away. There isn’t anything that I can say that will make you feel better and all I can say is that I am so sorry.

You, Mr B and little sprog are in my prayers, I am praying that they have made a mistake and just want to double check. It makes me so angry that you even have to go through this, you don’t deserve this.

I’m sending you big hugs, praying for the strength for you to get through this, I love you my dear friend…

Sharing some of our history....

2007-07-11T13:47:00.000+02:00

Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
Closer to where I started
Chasing after you…

I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held on to
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

Forgetting all I’m lacking
Completely incomplete
I’ll take your invitation
If you take all of me...

Now I’m falling even more in love with you
Letting go of all I’ve held on to
I’m standing here until you make me move
I’m hanging by a moment here with you…

I’m living for the only thing I know
I’m running and I’m not sure where to go
I don’t know what I’m diving into
Just hanging by a moment here with you…

There’s nothing else to loose
There’s nothing else to find
There’s nothing in the world that can change my mind
There is nothing else
There is nothing else
There is nothing else…

This song means so much to Frank and I. It was our wedding song and we have a history with it…I’m going to share some it with you…

Frank and I met at work, it was 10, almost 11 years ago. At the time, we were both single but eventually we both involved with other people. I always felt like there was something more there, this strange attraction. Neither of us acted on it, we were just friends and over the years our friendship turned into something beautiful. Frank knew me inside out and I like to think that I knew him that well too, we used to speak about our relationships and everything else that we call life.

Eventually I got engaged and so did he, I thought I was happy but I was kidding myself, I was miserable. My fiancé drank way too much and was very possessive, he had also been married before and had a little boy, that was the easy party, I loved T to bits, he was only about 6 months old when we started dating and was almost 5 when I finally left his Dad, that was hard. I had to put up with a horrible ex-wife who couldn’t be bothered about her child and only used him to get to us and his parents who thought that they should have stayed together for the child so they never gave me the time of day. It was a very long 4 and a half years of my life, bearing in mind that I was only 18, almost 19 when we started dating so I was nothing like I am now. I was way too young and naïve.

Eventually I came to my senses and left him, it was all too much and I really just couldn’t do it, he never left me alone and eventually I went back to him and got engaged and started planning our wedding all over again. During this time Frank and I had become even closer, he was going through a rough time as well. No-one could understand why I was doing this and everyone was too scared to say anything, it was ridiculous.

It was almost 6 years ago now when it was nearing my birthday, I had decided that I was going to leave my fiancé again, nothing had gotten better, it was worse and I just couldn’t see myself spending the rest of my life with him and his family. They had planned to go away on the weekend of my birthday and I said I wasn’t going, he begged me to go and try and sort things out, I went but by this time my feelings for Frank had already developed into something more.

The day before I left for the weekend I told Frank that I thought about him every time I heard this song (hanging by a moment), he said he’d never heard it. I went away that weekend and it was terrible, the worst birthday I have ever had, we fought all day, I cried all day. I just wanted to go home, to make matters worse, Frank had sent me a birthday message, we fought about that and I was accused of having an affair, what was happening was wrong, I did have feelings for Frank but nothing had happened between us.

We got home on the Sunday and I moved out straight away, back with my parents. I got back to work on the Monday and switched on my computer and as I signed on, Hanging by a momemt started playing (Frank used to be the network admin here so he could do cool things like this). It was then that I knew that this was definitely what I wanted. By this time Frank’s relationship had also ended and we started dating straight away, this was in the August, we went through a few months of hard times, we should have waited and eventually we broke up, I was devastated but Frank needed time to figure out what it was that he wanted out of life, we kept getting back together and eventually broke up for good in November.

I had just moved out of my parents place into my own flat, things were difficult, I became very depressed and started seeing a psychologist, he put me on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets, I started losing weight, it was all terrible, I spent days crying in my office, trying to dodge Frank in the passages which was hard because at the time we worked in the same dapartment, it wasn’t only Frank, he had just been the last straw, I had a lot to deal with that hadn’t been dealt with – Childhood issues.

Eventually things got better, I was feeling better and was dealing with everything one day at a time, I started dating someone I had met through a friend in February. I was still trying to get over Frank but had decided that it was time to move on, I was not what he wanted anymore (or so I thought). I went away at the beginning of March and during this time Frank tried to phone and sms me, I ignored it all. Eventually I came back and came into work a day early to do some stuff. I saw Frank and he asked if we could have dinner together, I said that it was okay as I expected him to cancel anyway because that’s what things were like way back when. We went for dinner and the rest is history. Next year March marks 5 years together.

Hanging by a moment holds so many memories for me, it was the song we used for our first dance at our wedding. The words are just so touching for me and they still mean so much during our journey now, somehow we are still hanging by a moment.

My apologies for the long post, just wanted to share some history with you all, it’s a very important part of our journey!

Today is CD20 and I have the first sign of what may be ovulation (8 days later than normal), EWCM!! If Frank wasn’t still so sick, I might consider that DIY thing!!

Choices....

2007-07-09T10:41:00.000+02:00

I’ve had one of those weekends, I’ve been fine really and feeling much better…and all of a sudden it happens again, I end up in a puddle of tears.

My sister came to stay by us on Friday night and on Saturday we coloured her hair and went shopping, the things we girls like to do. I was feeling fine but I could feel that dark cloud coming, I’ve been worried about a few things…I’m getting headaches daily, most mornings I wake up with them so that has been worrying me, I’m putting it all down to hormones and my body trying to re-adjust, I also have no idea what’s happening with my body, I am normally so in tune with it, I know exactly which day I ovulate on etc, this month I have felt nothing and I am already on CD17…very strange for me, of-course they did tell me this might happen but I am normally like clockwork. It’s okay of-course because we aren’t doing the DIY thing, we taking a real break for a change but I just like to know what’s going on and right now I am clueless…but I digress….

So on Saturday night I got home from shopping and a friend of Frank’s was there, he’s a very close friend and I love him dearly but sometimes he just DOES.NOT.GET.IT, we were chatting about things and out of the blue he says, “and so, what’s happening with you?” and I say, “What do you mean?” to which he replies, “are you pregnant yet” and I say “no, we still trying, it’s been hard”….and at this point I know, I know what I am getting myself into, we’ve been down this road before and it never ends well. I should stop here, but I don’t….we carry on chatting about it and he says that he knows that it must be hard but this is a choice we’ve made, we have made the choice to go for treatments and not to stop and just accept it, so we could stop it all right now, it's a choice.

The conversation carried on a bit and I didn’t really get too upset, my answer was, well what choice to we have really, it’s this or not having children but I do get what he is trying to say, at the end of the day it all comes down to that.

I hardly slept on Saturday night, thinking about the choices we have made and whether it was time to stop and the truth is that I can’t stop yet, as hard as this is, it’s harder to think of our lives without a child and I do feel like we’re getting closer but at the same time I feel so lost. I think about whether I am being fair about this, how much heartache this has caused to not only me but my family aswell and I just want it to stop, I don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to have to make these choices and the more I think about it, the more upset I get because this wasn’t a choice I ever wanted to make, this is so unfair, I was never even given a choice in the matter, i didn't ask for infertility!

I cried most of yesterday, it was hard because we had to go to lunch with Frank’s family for his mom’s birthday, I love his family to bits and his mom really get’s me, she understands me so well and I can tell her anything, she is very very close to my heart and it does help to just cry and be held and told that it’s okay. She’s very worried about me and thinks that maybe I need to talk to someone, I have been for councelling for this before and it really doesn’t help me to have someone tell me that what I am feeling is normal, I know that this is all very normal, you cannot go through infertility and not be changed, there are so many ways that it affects you and each of us deal with it differently, it all takes time, we all get better eventually but I can understand how infertility can cause depression, there is a very fine line there.

I am okay, just really sad still, most of the time I am fine tho, I do still think about it a lot, I’m getting anxious, in a way I want to just wait, wait until I feel better and more sure but the other part of me just wants to move on, taking a break isn’t always easy, even when you need to. I don’t have a choice and maybe that’s a blessing in disguise, we have to wait, it forces me to deal with all these emotions before moving on and just burying them as I have done before.

I’m not going to lie, it’s hard seeing all these BFP’s going around in blogland, and like JJ, I wonder if there’ll be enough for me. I don’t need to explain this feeling to any of you, you have all be there and know the feeling well, I am so happy for all of you and wish you all the very best and at the same time I am sad for me. I know that our turn will come, I am just not sure how much more it will take to get there and everyday I pray that the choice to stop trying will never be one I have to make.

Taking our time and feeling better!!

2007-07-01T10:12:00.000+02:00

I have to say that I am feeling much better today, it’s funny that having some sort of clarity on this whole thing helps. I feel like I can start letting go now and start moving forward again. I am not kidding myself by thinking it will just go away, I know that there will still be hard days but for now I feel okay.

We saw the Dr. on Friday and as I expected, they cannot tell you why it never worked, of-course they can’t, this is not an exact science after all. I am happy with the information that they did give us although it is not conclusive until we do another fresh IVF.

Basically he thinks that there might be an egg quality problem, first of all because none of the ISCI eggs survived which is strange and secondly out of the 10 eggs that they left to fertalise normally only 4 made it to transfer which only gives us a 40% fertalisation rate and for someone my age the fert rate should be between 70-80%. Of-course this is skewed a bit by the fact that we did ICSI, some of those eggs might have been okay and therefore our rate would have gone up. Eggs also vary from cycle to cycle so we would have to do another fresh IVF to conclude that there is a egg quality problem which hopefully we wont get to.

I can also stop worrying about running out of time as he says that I have up to 18 months before I need the endo removed again which gives us more time. The pain I was having on the weekend with AF is completely normal as he says that thicker your lining the more pain you will have, so I am not to worry about that.

My hormones are perfect and I responded very well to all the drugs during IVF, so if we were to do another fresh cycle then they would keep me on the same protocol. The only thing they would different is obviously not do ICSI and they would do a 5 day transfer instead of a 3 day transfer to make sure that the embryo’s they put back would be strong enough to take.

I have also been told that I need to wait 60 days or two cycles before doing the FET, this is to give your body a break as he says that your first cycle after IVF may not be normal, not sure why they make you wait another month after that but anyway. It’ll prolly do Frank and I the world of good and give us time to get back to basics. So the plan is to do the FET in September, we have 2 embies left as one never carried on dividing (it compacted) and the two 4 cell embies are now a 7 and 8 cell embryo which is good. They will do a natural cycle which means I wont be on any hormones to help my lining which shouldn’t be a problem anyway as my lining has always gotten thicker than 7mm. Should my lining not be thick enough then the cycle will be cancelled and we’ll do a medicated FET the next month. Obviously the cycle will also be cancelled should the embryo’s not survive the thaw…they will grow them for 2 days after the thaw so basically it will be like a 5 day transfer anyway, they will also do assisted hatching which is standard procedure here with FET.

So basically loads of info to take in. I have decided not to worry about the “questionable egg quality” thing as it’s still early in the game. Here’s two my two frozen little embies making it to babies and to having a two month break. I am stopping all reflexology and tabs for now and just living a little, doing stuff that’s good for the soul!!

Moving along...

2007-06-26T13:47:00.000+02:00

Thank you all for all your comments and virtual hugs, you guys are just awesome. Frank and I had a good’ish weekend, it was hard but good to get away. It gave us time to talk about everything and just let everything come out, we went for a nice long walk on Saturday and sat in the sun for hours talking and crying. Saturday was hard, I had terrible period pain and was bleeding quite a lot, it just felt like it was the final twist of the knife.

Nothing is set in stone as yet but I think that we have decided to move on with the FET after this cycle, we’ll need to speak to the Dr and figure out what kind of cycle they’ll do (i.e. natural or medicated) and go from there. Our plan is to have the ET and go away for two weeks afterwards, I think it’ll be better for me to be away from everything and everyone and just relax. Of-course we’ll need to see if we can get away from work etc.

I am on CD5 today so have worked out that if I have a 28 day cycle then I should have my transfer just before or on my birthday which should be about 2 to 3 days after O. I do think that maybe the timing isn’t great but we’ll see. Maybe by then we will both have renewed hope.

Frank has been wonderful and very understanding, he is very sick and has been back to the Dr since our return and they have finally figured out that he has a viral infection, shame…poor man, he is in a lot of pain. They say that he just needs to rest and that he should be fine in about a week or so. The fun just never stops!!

I am still feeling very confused and angry but I do feel better than I was feeling, it comes and goes. Sometimes there is this overwhelming sadness and sense of loss, I don’t think I’ll ever understand how you can feel so much sadness for something that you never really had, love something that you have never known. I have decided that it’s sadness for something that could have been. My little two, I was so sure that they were strong, that they had made it, I could imagine looking into their eyes and loving them so deeply. It’s a rather humbling experience, being so wrong about something you were so sure about. It’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last and somehow we just never learn.

I have been visiting Dr. Google again, I know that we have an appointment on Friday to discuss why this IVF failed, but I just need to know more. They do say that most times it’s because there was a problem with embryo’s, even tho they looked perfect it doesn’t mean that they could become a baby. There are various issues, not implanting (lining problems) and anti-body type issues, there are just so many reasons and I am not really sure what I am looking for, some answer to say that everything will be okay and that maybe next time round things will be better or even the next. I am looking for hope I suppose. I think that I should just wait and see what they say.

I need to make a list of questions that I need to ask, right now there are so many things swimming around in my head that I can’t really make sense of anything. If you guys have any suggestions of what to ask, they will be most welcome.

I find myself avoiding human contact, I don’t take phone calls unless I have to and I’m pretty much keeping to myself, I need to do this for my sanity. All I need right now is Frank and an understanding ear from you special people. I just don’t have the patience for everyone’s questions and comments when I have so many myself. I am sure that this is very normal and that I will feel better soon, we infertiles are quite resilient and I know that this too shall pass and become part of our journey.

I have been bad, I’ve started drinking coffee again and I’ve eaten enough chocolate to sink a battleship, I need to get back on track again and be good to my body, I will…just not this week.

I have been in contact with Bumble, she wanted to me to let you all know that everything is moving along nicely. She is 9 weeks today and is still a bit worried about things going smoothly, she is yet to find a gynea which she will do this week. They have moved into their new house and so she doesn’t have internet or mail but will be back on line once that is all sorted.

It was not meant to be....

2007-06-22T07:50:00.000+02:00

Here I am, I know that you have all been waiting with baited breath for the update of yesterdays post, I am sorry for leaving you hanging.

My beta was negative, negative as in they don't even give you a number.

They really don't tell you much, we have an appointment to see the Dr next week friday to discuss the possible reason's of my embryo's not surviving, it just seems so sad that they were growing perfectly and then couldn't survive in me. We will also discuss when to a FET and whether it will be medicated or natural, and will discuss when. Right now, I don't feel like I can do this anymore, I feel like I could wait until Sept/Oct to do the FET as I feel like I need time to heal and deal with this, we will however take the Dr's advice due to my endometriosis time restraints, they gave me a year before I needed it removed again, that will be in Nov.

I cried so much yesterday and then all of a sudden I felt calm, it's a strange calm, sorta feels like the calm before the storm. I'm waiting for it to hit me, I hope that it doesn't, because I don't think it will be pretty.

I have so many feelings inside, they just wont come out, I lay awake most of the night thinking about how I feel, I feel like I'm someone else's body, like this isn't really happening, but the sad thruth of it is that it is my life.

I'm trying to put everything into words, maybe i'll feel better once it's all out:

I am ANGRY - more than anything there is ANGER
I am angry at myself for getting hurt again, I am angry at G*d, I am angry the I am infertile and that something that should be so easy is so hard...
I am resentfull...
I am so, so lonely...
I am not sure how to deal with this hurt anymore...
I am starting to lose my faith and that scares me...
I am scared of carrying on...
I am scared of stopping...
I am scared of doing the FET, what if it too fails...
I am not feeling strong at all, my world feels like it's crumbling down and there's nothing I can do...
I am in a bad place right now, I do know that things will get better and that time heals, I so want to not hurt anymore...

There is so much more, more that just can't be put into words. Thank you all for being there for me and for understanding and just listening, I know that you understand this more than anyone ever could.

Frank started getting chest pains yesterday afternoon, I think that scared me out of feeling sorry for myself, he gets so stressed and upset about it but doesn't know what to do with his anger, I cry. Anyway, we ended up and the Dr's getting an ECG and blood and blood pressure ect, they say that it's just stress - funny how a failed IVF cycle will do that to you. He does however have a very bad throat/nose & ear infection that he has been ignoring, so he is on antibiotics and feeling terrible. It's okay, it puts the focus on something else for me.

We are still going away this weekend, I think that it will be good for us instead of wallowing in self pity.

I will be better, like we always do, we will move on and get stronger again. Thank you all once again, I feel quite pathetic right now and I am sorry for whinging. I am still waiting for the ultimate betrayal of AF officially making her arrival, I can feel she's on her way but still keeping me hanging, damn cow!

Not in a good place....

2007-06-21T10:10:00.000+02:00

I started spotting last night, it started off brown with mild AF cramps and then it was gone.

This morning it was red, no cramps and not really alot either. It hasn't gotten worse but is there on my panty liner and when I wipe.

I am terrified and I haven't stopped crying. I know that this doesn't need to mean that I am not pregnant, and that it can be quite normal but I just can't seem to think that this is good.

I have phoned the clinic and am waiting for them to phone me back, I know that they are going to tell me to relax and just carry on with the hormones until tomorrow. I'm afraid that I can't do that, I need to know today so I want to go for my beta this morning, it's been 13 days since my transfer so one day is not going to make much of a difference.

I can't do this, i'm making myself sick with worry and I really just need to know now.

*************
Just got a call back, on my way for my beta, wish me luck girls.

12dp3pt - 2 more sleeps!

2007-06-20T13:16:00.000+02:00

It's 12dp3pt or 15 days past retrieval today and we have 2 more sleeps to go now. I am finding myself thinking about it all the time, non stop! I'm not sleeping well at night, when I do sleep then I don't stop dreaming about weird things and I am restless, slowly but surely this 2ww is starting to make me lose my mind (altho I have been told that you can't lose something you never had! ha - how rude!)

AF would officially be due today if this was any other cycle and so far there are no signs of her, I know that's she MIA partly because of the hormones making her stay away (although I do hope that it's because I'm pregnant too) but I did expect to get the odd pre-af cramp etc. and so far there's nothing....I'm hoping she's gone on a nice long vacation! I have also never been on prog.esterone for so long, normally I would have had my beta yesterday (on an IUI cycle) so would have stopped it already, AF usually come two days after stopping the meds so that would make 16dpo and I will only go for my beta on 17dpo this time round, can progestrone keep her away so long?

I do have the odd symptoms that are still making me think that I am pregnant, my boobs are still a bit bigger ~ the shooting pains that I was getting are gone now but have left them feeling tender, not sore but tender. You know, if I touch them they hurt. They are however more sore closer to my armpit, but my glands there do feel a bit swollen so maybe it's just that. Still no sore nips which I am happy about and that too is different. I am still as constipated as all hell but also know that this is thanks to the prog.esterone, everything else is sorta the same and the only other things I can add to my list is headaches, I don't normally get a lot of headaches, but have been getting them almost daily now. The next thing is Nausea, I am fine all morning, it hits me once I've had lunch, so for a while I just drink water and nothing else and eventually it just goes away. I don't have a particularly sensitive stomach either so the nausea is very different for me, I'm wondering if it's some kind of bug, surely it's too early for morning sickness?

I keep on wondering about all these things and even I am getting irritated with me because the hormones I am putting into my body could be causing all these "symptoms". What happens if I'm imagining all of this and the "feeling" is just one of self-preservation? What happens if I am indeed not pregnant? Oh Fuck, that's what.

Frank of-course thinks I am hillarious, he just smiles or laughs at me, telling me that everything will be okay. Oh and have I told you all how much I love my husband? The other night, when I was doing that "what if" thing again, he told me to stop worrying and that if I am not pregnant this time then we'll do an FET straight away and that I just need to look after myself. Now, let me tell you that I have thought about this cycle failing but I haven't, however, thought about doing and FET straight away, I just pressumed we'd wait because firstly ~ I don't know how ready I will be, secondly ~ I think they make you wait from a hormonal point of view and thirdly ~ it's another 10 grand and we've already spent 6 grand more than we were bargaining on because of the ICSI and freezing. Anyway, I love him for thinking so far ahead and telling me that it will all be okay. I know it will, it may just take some time.

That's all the news I have really, I'm not that busy at work at the moment which really doesn't help at all. I'm sick of Dr. Google and he's sick of me, besides he's not telling me what I really want to know. Of-course I do know that I could just POAS and then I would know, but I do keep my promises, even tho it's not easy and besides that, i'm scared shitless of seeing only one line. I swore I'd never POAS again unless I knew there were going to be two lines, hopefully I'll get to see them real soon!

You are the sun...

2007-06-18T13:29:00.000+02:00

As you can see, I am finding stoopid things to waste some time...here is one of them...couldn't resist!!! Funny that my ruling planet is the sun :)

You Are The Sun

You represent the best of life - vitality, success, and and truth.You tend to have a strong, centered, balanced personality.Inspiration and discovery are your fortes. You are very mentally strong.A talented mind, you tend to excel at math, philosophy, and music.
Your fortune:
As well as you have done in the past, the future is going to be filled with more success.A new creative project is coming your way. Feed it, and it will grow into something huge.Great riches, recognition, prosperity, or happiness is coming your way.And it's possible that a fantastic vacation, or a new baby, is coming sooner than you think.

What Tarot Card Are You?

10dp3dt - 4 more sleeps to go!!

2007-06-18T11:38:00.000+02:00

And so I find myself on 13 days past retrieveal, which mean sthat AF would be due on Wednesday this week. I have my doubts that she will appear because No. 1....get this....I *think* i'm pregnant and No. 2....I'm on Estro.gen and Prog.esterone so that'll keep her away for a while anyway...I think?

My blood test will be done at about 9:30'ish on Friday and so I should know at about 10:30 the latest, we will wait at the clinic for the results as hopefully they'll need to give me more prog.esterone for the next 8 weeks (yeah, I'm begging for cylco.gest - have I lost my mind completely??). After that we will off to the Nat.al Mid.lands for the weekend to attend a wedding on Saturday night, we will stay Friday and Saturday and return on Sunday, hopefully it'll be a really good weekend apposed to a really shitty one. I'll admit, the timing is NOT perfect at all but this is one of the things we cannot plan for. I am hoping that I wont spend the weekend in a puddle of tears!

So by Friday I will be 14dp3dt which makes it 17 days past retrieval...that's a damn long wait if you ask me!!

Okay so, let me tell you why (whispering) *I think I'm pregnant*...

I'm feeling different, I have a good feeling for a change, I just think I am...
My boobs have really expanded their horizons, for once my hubby told me that my boobs look different - to put it into his words "huge"....nice one, so much for "no, your boobs don't look different..."
I am getting wierd feeling pains in my boobs, sort of like a sticth shooting from the top to my nipple and then just like that, it's gone. My boobs are sore on the outside but not my nipple and not all the time...
I am feeling quite bloated but that could also be because I'm still battling with my tummy...constipation central!
I have spots ever popping up on my face, so much so that Frank is starting to call me "bumpy"
My mom says that her "flower cards" say that there is a new arrival on it's way...I don't believe in that stuff but we'll see if she's right...
I just feel strange....no signs of AF as yet but like I said before, I think the meds should keep her away...

And that's it, nothing really concreate to go on and I have been known to be wrong about it before, it could all be hormones or pre-AF symptoms. I am trying to stay positive and am feeling much better than I expected to at this point, even Frank commented that he thought I'd be worse....4 more sleeps to go!!

It helps that little Bumble thinks I am too, it's helps to have everyone's good feelings all thrown into one! Bumble also wants to know if I am tempted to POAS and it would be easy, at least I would know, but there is a little part of me that is scared that it's bad news so I'll keep my promise and wait until my beta, we've come this far, what's another few days?

So with that, we're still waiting...

The 2ww and my perfect little girl...

2007-06-14T15:12:00.000+02:00

It’s been a while since I last posted and it’s not because I am trying to stay away, I actually was in the middle of a “pathetic little me” post on Tuesday when a sub-station (power plant) in the area blew up, as a result of this our company and most of the surrounding area have not had power for two days….much fun!!

However, you can count yourselves lucky for the power failure, you missed the “pathetic little me” post and now I am feeling much much better!! To be honest I am still thinking about everything that made me feel not so good but it’s just not as bad once you get used to the idea.

Life has been a bit of a rollercoaster, doing IVF will do that to you, constant ups and downs; the sleepless nights; the weird dreams and the uncertainty of the whole thing is not that much fun. So, once I had my perfect little embies put back I was feeling much better, so relieved and really looking forward to that positive BFP, I was on cloud 9 ~ walking around like some IF newbie thinking that there was no question that this would end in a BFP…..

….and then, somehow, with no notice at all ~ I fell off my cloud…

….and came down to earth with a crash!!

All of a sudden it hit me. It hit me that this might not actually work and I was terrified, I didn’t sleep that night, I tossed and turned thinking about how I am going to deal with this, how the hell would I deal with a failed IVF cycle, I mean hello….IVF is supposed to work, it’s the big “MOTHER FUCKER OF FERTILITY TREATMENTS!!” but I am not that naïve, I finally realized that I should at least prepare myself for the worst and I was devastated. I mean really, everything has gone so well, something has to go wrong, this is really too good to be true. Tuesday carried on the same with me feeling sorry for myself, and it resulted in the “pathetic little me” post.

I am however feeling much better since then, Frank and I had a heart to heart about it and he told me that we would deal with it together and that finally it doesn’t need to be “too good to be true”. I need to keep the faith, we really do have a good shot at this and if it doesn’t work then we will pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off!!

It has been 6 days since my transfer, that makes it 9 days since my retrieval so technically I might be able to get a double line on a HPT but instead I find myself half way through the 2ww with another week still to go. I have promised my husband that I will not be using any HPT’s and so I will keep my promise as hard as it is (I must be losing my mind, I’m actually thinking of POAS ~ I hate the damn things!!)

On the symptom front, it’s very hard to tell what could be a symptom when you are on Prog.esterone and Estro.gen because it’s very hard to feel normal. My boobs are just a bit sore, sometimes more than others (this also depends on how many times I grope them a day), they also feel huge and are popping out my bra’s, I’m terribly constipated, I am getting pimples on my chest and face (lovely look for me) and I’ve had a couple of twinges (on days 3, 4 and 5 after transfer) in my lower abdomen which have since disappeared. The bloating has finally gone down so I feeling a bit more normal in my clothes. I think that if I read through previous posts, I could tell you that I’ve had all these things before so I am clueless as to whether my little two have implanted or not.

I am counting the days until my beta and praying all the time. My sweet friend Bumble has been a wonderful support (as usual) and tells me that we have an excellent chance of getting that BFP. I hope that she is right and that we can have our babies close together!

A friend of mine had her baby boy yesterday and as good friends do, we went to see them in hospital last night. Let me tell you that this little thing is too precious, I held him for ages while he just slept in my arms. Frank held him too and my heart was aching for our own baby. They are such perfect little creatures, a real miracle. I dreamt that I had my own baby last night, just one…my perfect little girl.

2 days into the wait...

2007-06-10T14:06:00.000+02:00

Well, it's only two days into the wait and so far so good, I have been trying to to think about it too much but I do find myself looking at my tum and wondering what's going on in there, hoping and praying that my "little two" are growing and getting ready to implant soon, they should have loads of cells by now!!

I really don't have any interesting news at all actually, i must say tho that IVF certainly does make you feel a bit different - I am very bloated and have sore boobies, but I have this since my retrieval so I know not to obsess about it but I definately have noticed that your body doesn't feel the same as when you've gone through a normal cycle.

I was reading comments on my blog yesterday and came across a comment from Erin, so as one normally does, I went to check out her blog to find that she had written a little blurb about something I said in my post, I actually feel a bit bad (i'm sure she wasn't aiming at that) because I didn't explain myself correctly when telling you guys about the 6 celled embie...so, I went and looked it up and I was correct but just didn't say it right...so, now I am trying to explain myself clearly (with pics for your viewing pleasure)....

I have found this: A normal zygote (1 day after fertalisation) should look like this:

2 pronuclei are seen - A polar body is at one o'clock - The upper pronucleus contains maternal DNA and the lower pronucleus contains paternal DNA

An abnormal zygote would look like this but can still carry on growing:

3 pronuclei are seen in the center of the cell - Each pronucleus contains 23 chromosomes -This embryo has 69 chromosomes instead of the normal 46

I haven't been able to find a pic of a zygote with only one pronucleus, basically our embryo should have had 46 chromosomes but ended up with 23 and shouldn't have gone any further, there are doctors who would transfer these embryo's and see what happens but I think that most of the time they would result in a blighted ovum type pregnancy (I may be wrong tho). There are cases where the zygote has 3 pronuclei and one was removed, these can go on to be normal pregnancies and babies.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is...yes, we are lucky, our Dr's do go into detail with us and I think that they just think it's better, we had 16 eggs and wanted to know what happened to the other 11 and so they told us, I think it's great. I also want to say that my Dr did not say that it was a freak of nature at all, he just said that he didn't think that it was suitable to use, I called it a freak of nature.

Erin sweetie, I really feel for you, your Dr does sound like he doesn't give you all the information you require, some Dr's do that, I've been to many. IVF is a huge thing, maybe think of changing your Dr if you can? The reason your embryo's didn't take or weren't good quality could be totally different to the reasons some of ours didn't, if you need to know then tell him to tell you straight out what the problems were? Thanks for the well wishes, I truly pray your next IVF goes better....Hugs xxx

Anyway, with that cleared up - I'm off to the couch!! Love to you all....

My little two...

2007-06-08T15:16:00.000+02:00

I'm back from the transfer and am happy to say that everything went very well today. We met with the Dr. first and had a look at pics of our little embies, it was so nice to see. They didn't give me pics of them but said that I can get them if I bring them a fla.sh disk but he also suggested that we get that BFP first and I suppose he's right.

He said that our embies were "excellent" grade, they were all well rounded and had no fragmentations...i'll post a pic of them after my BFP ~ how's that for positive thinking!!

He showed us all 7 but also told us why he thought 2 weren't suitable for IVF, one was doing very well, infact it had about 6 cells in it but it had started off with only one cell (can't remember how he explained it) but basically he said that it didn't have a cell from the mother and the father to begin with but continued to grow (a bit of a freak of nature) so we couldn't use that one. The other one hadn't made any progress, it was in the progress of making another cell and stopped so was questionable. He explained what happened to the rest and I can't really remember it all but there was also one that had allowed two sperm to get into it which is not right either...wierd stuff.

We spoke to him about putting three in and he said that given my age and the grade of the embies he really didn't want to take that chance, he said that I would be high risk if I fell pregnant with tripletts and prolly wouldn't be able to carry them far enough. I succumbed because it has been on my mind quite a bit and agreed to put the two best embies back.

We put a 9 celled embie and a 8 celled embie back, they have given us a 60% chance of achieving a single pregnancy and a 40% chance of twins!! Woo hoo. The transfer wasn't bad at all, a bit like an IUI just a lot slower as they are more carefull, they did give me a pic of the scan as they injected the embies into my uterus which I will see if I can post next week. I cried a bit once it was done, they were happy tears off-course, my little embies are back where they are supposed to be!!

We had three left that we have chosen to freeze, they were all a bit slower than the two we put back and were all 4 celled embies. If we choose to use them one day then they will thaw them for two days before putting them back anyway which will give them a chance to grow.

I start my estra.pause tomorrow and carry on with folic acid, baby asprin (never been on that before but they recommended it) and prog.esterone until my beta and hopefully for the first 12 weeks of my pregnancy due to my prog dificiency.

My beta is on the 22nd June, it's gonna be a long two weeks ladies...but I feel very positive, hopefully hope sticks around!!

Frank has already told me to take it easy, I have been told that there are to be:
No HPT's (I never use the damn things anyway, but maybe he thinks this is different)
No taking of temps (which I stopped months ago)
And....No, your boobs don't look bigger.....he's a funny guy!!

Thanks for all your prayers and thoughts, here's to that BFP!!

Fert report #2

2007-06-07T11:36:00.000+02:00

Lucky number 7 is today's mantra!! One of the ICSI ones never made it through the night, 7 is good tho, better than I could wish for actually.

I asked them about the grading and whether they were dividing on time etc and they said that the Dr. would discuss that with us in the morning...I can't wait!! They must be good, please let them be good :)

We have to be there at 8am tomorrow and then we'll see the Dr and discuss everything and how many we putting back and freezing etc, I think the transfer will only be done after 9'ish.

Everything down below is feeling much better now, still got a bit of backache and if I rub my tummy too hard then I can feel that it's still not 100% but it's all good. Only had a little bit of brown spotting which I was pleased about.

I really have a good feeling about our little 7, I know it's early but I'm starting to feel like we are getting closer to the end of our long journey, am I pushing my luck hoping that my first IVF works?? It seems a little cheeky to me actually but I can't help but look around blogland and see that it's worked for others....so why not us?? Everything has been moving along really well through this IVF, I'm scared to hope that it's all been too good, but maybe this is just what we needed?

Okay so, we have a +- 50% fert rate which means that the fertilsation maybe wasn't the problem, maybe it was my tubes, the acidity or even the endo...don't think we'll ever know but I'm thinking that the sperm and egg just never got to meet, I mean really...like I was saying to Frank yesterday, out of 27 cycles....if the sperm and egg where meeting surely something would have happened? Anyway, it really doesn't help over-analysing things (it's one of those I AM things about me tho), right now...I am just extremely happy that things are going well. It's so nice to see my husband happy and relaxed too, he keeps on telling that I'm going to be his pregnant wife soon :) How sweet...thank you babe! I'm praying that you right!

I've been thinking about a lot of things lately, IVF has a way of making you think, this is definately a stressfull process, the waiting to see if your little embies survive the night is really hard, I'm thinking this 2ww is going to be madness!! I feel so helpless, everytime I think about them I want to be there, to watch them grow and just know that everything is okay, it's wierd knowing that Frank and I have finally created something together and it's growing outside of me right now....it's strange, I already feel protective and want them all to be okay...obviously I know that we wont have 7 children out of them and that makes me sad too.

I feel a bit wierd saying all this stuff out loud, but I know that you girls will understand, it's all just so overwhelming. I love my husband so much just thinking that part of him and me have finally come together (not that I don't always love him but this is a special thing for me), I am so proud of our little embies for doing there thing, I can only hope and pray that we get some babies out of our precious little 7!

Will let you know how tomorrow goes...till then :)

Fert report #1

2007-06-06T10:48:00.000+02:00

Well all I can say is that was one of the longest nights ever, I woke up every hour thinking about our little embies and praying that they would be okay.
..
I finally plucked up the courage to phone them at about 10 past 10 this morning and you'll all be happy to know that this was the first time I've cried since my retrieval, I was soooo nervous, this is hard-core stuff!!
..
Our first fert report went as follows:
Out of 16 retrieved, 10 were done the normal IVF way and 6 with ISCI..
4 fertalised normally and we've got 2 possibles from the IVF batch
1 fertalised normally and we've got 1 possible from the ICSI batch
..
So that's 5 normal and 3 possibles, I am praying that all 8 carry on doing their thing to make nice strong embies!!
..
I couldn't be happier, of-course I know that we still have 2 nights to go until transfer but so far so good eh? The ICSI result was a bit surprising as I expected more to fertalise with ICSI than natrually but there you have it...things are not always as they seem.
..
Frank is so sweet and stayed with me until I phoned them, that was great as I just cried when I got off the phone, he just held me and told me that it was excellent news and that we've done very well and we have, we going to have a baby out of these embies, I can feel it in my waters!!
..
I must also say that the staff at Vita.lab are wonderfull, they made me feel so at ease yesterday and I wasn't in a rush to get out of there like I normally am, this morning the nurse was so sweet and told me to carry on drinking water, using my meds and try and relax because I've done very well. When I came out of theatre yesterday they had written on my hand...."16 eggs, well done" with a little smiley face...that really made my day!
..
Well girls, that's about it from me, I am still feeling a bit bloated and sore but i'm sure this will go away in the next few days (thanks for the advice on staying home Sarah, you were right)
..
Thanks for all your love and support guys, it really does help having so many wonderfull people in my corner! Hugs for all of you.
..
On another note, you will all be happy to hear that Bumble is doing just fine, enjoying her time away and it also looks like she's getting a bit of the old morning sickness, she's 6wks1day today and things are moving along nicely....Thank you God.
..
Stay tuned for tomorrow report on Frank and Tam's little embies....we already love them!

They got 16!!

2007-06-05T12:41:00.000+02:00

Today is a good day!! I am back from my retrieval and am very happy to report that they got 16 eggs!! Frank and I are both very pleased.

I slept through the whole thing and was a bit sore when I came out...feels a bit like very bad period pain. Feeling okay now just tired and bloated and just a little crampy but it was all worth it!!

...

They have decided to do ICSI on some of the eggs even tho the sperm quality was good today, they didn't say how many so we'll see what they say tomorrow. I have to phone them at 10am tomorrow for the fertalisation report so I'll let you all know then. I am praying that we get a good fert rate and that everything goes okay until they can be put back.

...

I start my progesterone tomorrow already, twice daily....thought it was a bit strange that they start you on it before the transfer but I'm not questioning anything as I'm sure they know what they are doing!!

...

Please pray that my little embies do their thing and that tomorrow brings good news, for now...I'm off to shower and then the couch!!

It's almost time...

2007-06-04T09:36:00.000+02:00

Hey gals, thanks for all your lovely comments about my liddle follies....and for sending "growing follie vibes" - it seemed to do the trick. As of yesterday, there where still 13 dominant follies mostly measuring between 18mm and over 20mm, there were a another bunch that have come up but they never measured them so I suppose tomorrow might be a surprise!! My lining was a nice 10.7!!! I don't think i've ever had such a nice thick lining before!

I triggered at 8pm last night, so my last stim was Saturday and my last Lucrin was yesterday morning...I had one more set of bloods this morning to check my progesterone post trigger numbers and so now I wait for tomorrow morning and no more needles for a while....woo hoo!!

I go in at 7 and they'll prep me and everything for retrieval at 8am sharp!! I'm feeling okay actually, I haven't really thought about it too much and slept okay last night, the pain is a bit strange today, was worse last night but seems to have moved a bit lower today. I am at work finishing everything off in case I'm not feeling too hot after the retrieval.

Transfer will be on Friday so it will be a 3 day transfer which is fine with me. We spoke to the doctors about ICSI yesterday and have decided to wait until tomorrow to see how many eggs we get and what quality the sperm is - so I'll let you know what we decided to do after the retrieval.

Our clinic makes you wait 13 days until your beta so if nothing changes then my beta will be on 21st June, not a bad day to find out that you're pregnant hey!! I'm trying to be really positive about all this but must say that I am not looking forward to this 2ww!! To answer your question Leah....nope, I wont be POAS at all, I do have one at home but will try and stay away from it, I hate those damn things!!

Last reflexology session tonight aswell to just get them all ready....I'll let you all know how the retrieval goes...wish me luck!!

Once upon a time there were 13 liddle follies...

2007-06-01T10:52:00.000+02:00

Yup...that's correct ladies...we have 13 liddle follies on the go!! They are measuring from 12mm and 13mm so still have a little way to go, my lining was a lovey 9.3mm so that's good too!! I have 6 follies on my left ovary and 7 on my right (I'll never say I have lazy right ovary - ever never ever again!!)

Of-course I have no idea how they even count the damn things, it seems so fast and I'm sure that they can't count all of them anyway so I suppose the retrieval will reveal all...so to speak.

I had to have E2 bloods again today to see if that's still within range and then they would decide whether to increase/decrease my dosage, bloods came back (don't ask as they didn't tell) and they decided to keep me on 225iu for the next two days, next scan is on Sunday. Woohoo, I get to sleep in tomorrow!!

Sunday will be day 9 of stims and I'm sure it will be trigger day too but if it's not it's okay as we've paid for 10 days of stims anyway, I'm also going for reflexology tomorrow so she work her magic and then we'll see what Sunday brings, I must say that I am very pleased with my ovaries and very excited to see what the next few days bring.

I hardly slept last night, I tossed and turned all night worrying about what today would bring, I didn't expect such good results, I was up early this morning....(**WARNING TMI**) and nearly shat myself (it was a good thing I was on the toilet having a pee) when I got a huge chuck of EWCM when I wiped, now that really worried me and I thought that maybe they had left things too late and my eggs where about to explode, luckily I was wrong again. I'm still getting loads of EWCM now and I don't think i've ever seen so much of the stuff in my life before, I sms'ed my sweet friend Bumble who told me that it was okay - I love her to bits, she's such a sweetie and always there when I need her!

Okay, enough of that....today, I am happy and excited!! Roll on Sunday!!

Day 7 Stims...Feeling better!

2007-05-31T13:35:00.000+02:00

I just want to thank you all for your sweet comments (and for not rolling your eyes) yesterday, you are all very sweet and quite frankly I am not sure what I would do without you chicks!! I love you guys!!

I wanted to pop in and say that I am feeling much better emotionally today, I am still sore and bloated but have come to accept that this is prolly a good sign and that I should just quit complaining. So, I’m feeling much much better and a little more positive than yesterday…everything is going to be just fine, we are going to see lots of follies right on track tomorrow.

My hubby is so sweet and also made me feel much better, he took me out for a quiet dinner and then we went home and had a shower together and just had some much needed “us” time. It was quite sweet actually, we were chatting about how nice things will be once we get this IF thing right, we planning on building a new house and we were chatting about play rooms and babies rooms and whether we gonna have twins or just one. I also told him that if this IVF cycle works that our baby/babies will be due just before our anniversary – and just after his birthday and he was saying that that would make them aquarius and how nice it would be as I’m surrounded by aquariun’s in my life and he is surrounded by Leo’s – apparently a perfect match!! It’s so nice to day-dream sometimes.

We also chatted about how many embies we would like to put back, I was thinking two and he was thinking three, yes, I know….we are getting ahead of ourselves here, but you have to have hope figure in to this somewhere…anyway, I was saying that I’m not sure if our clinic will allow us to put three back, also…I know I can do twins but somehow the thought of triplets scares me something silly (even tho I know that we’d prolly just be improving our chances of one taking and that the likelihood of all taking is low). Of-course none if this really means anything now as we’ll have to wait and see how many eggs fertalise and what kind of quality they are etc before making these decisions but it’s nice to know what’s floating around in his head sometimes.

Bumble, I’m trying to stay at work as much as possible as I would really like to take some time off after the retrieval and possibly after the transfer, so far they have been very understanding but I don’t want to push my luck.

LJ, Frank has had quite a few SA’s done and they all came back fine (except for the first one which seemed to be a lab/doctor problem) so ICSI is not a must but we are worried that for some reason the eggs just don’t fertalise (which wont be a first even with no sperm issues), we don’t get any help here as far as health coverage is concerned so we’d like to get the best out of our first IVF as the cost here is pretty steep.

Scan tomorrow ladies, i'm all set…got a "brazillian" wax this afternoon (yeah, i'm a sucker for punishment) to make sure we all nice and neat for upcoming events and spending a quiet girls evening at home as Frank is out tonight...

Day 6 Stims and the not-so-easy stuff...

2007-05-30T15:47:00.000+02:00

Okay, so it seems the easy stuff is on it’s way out the window…lookout, here comes the not-so-easy part!!

As of this morning at about 3am, my ovaries started hurting like hell, they hurt when I walk, they hurt when I sit, they hurt when I don’t lie on my back, they hurt when my bladder is full and they hurt when I pee!! It’s official, I am a woes…I have very sensitive ovaries and could feel a cyst from a mile away (okay, I missed the last one but I knew something was wrong and to be fair, this one wasn’t like the others…it disappeared on it’s own and wasn’t stubborn like the others!) – I also could feel that there was more than one egg when doing Femara, so I should have expected this really and I did….just not so soon. Damn sensitive ovaries!!

I’m only on day 6 of stims, surely I shouldn’t be so bloated (I look pregnant and everyone is staring at my tummy – and I have my “fat pants” on!!) and sore?? I actually just feel like shite, my head is sore and so is my back.

Don’t get me wrong and don’t you dare roll your eyes at me (pretty please)…this is good, right? I am just a woes.

It’s just that yesterday I started wondering if everything is going to be okay, I’m getting really scared now, all of a sudden it just feels so much more real, the worst thing is that it’s not just one thing I’m scared of, it’s a shitload of stuff and while I know that this is normal, I can’t help but feel scared and very alone right now. I know that I’m not alone, I have my hubby (who is being so supportive and loving and all that I can wish for right now) and I have you guys but you all know how this feels….

One more day to go before my scan, I also think that if things down yonder are anything to go by then my retrieval will probably be earlier than expected or…..maybe not. As long as everything’s on track and there are lots of follies and they are growing nicely. I have another reflexology session on Sat to see if we can make them grow a little more and then I’ll see her the day before my retrieval as well, thing are right on track this is how it's supposed to be, so why am I so scared?

Things are gonna be okay….right?

Day 4 stims...

2007-05-28T16:26:00.000+02:00

It’s day four of stims dare I say….so far so good. I have had some side effects from the drugs, one being a headache that didn’t want to budge for most of the weekend…

I’m feeling good today, just a slight headache…I was a nauseous this morning but I think that has something to do with the Anti-biotics that Frank and I are on as he has been complaining about an unhappy tummy.

I am also happy to announce that as of today I have been feeling some “twitches” down yonder, mainly on the right side which is my un-happy half working ovary…I must say that this is quite exciting and I am really looking forward to my scan on Friday, I am sure there are going to be loads of little follies by then!!

The injections are going well, not really that bad…I’m starting to get little bruises on my tummy now which is to be expected I suppose, as long as they doing their job then I’m a happy little camper!!

I am also happy to tell you all that I am feeling much better since starting the Meno.pur, not half as moody as I was last week….I think Frank is breathing many sighs of relief! I was talking to a friend this weekend and found myself telling her that IVF isn’t half as bad as I thought it would be (besides the moodiness), I was really scared of doing this but I have really had it quite easy up until now….so I just wanted to tell you ladies that are still heading this way, it could be much worse. Of-course I do know that this is the easy part, I’m sure as we get closer to retrieval things may get a little harder and waiting to see how many eggs we get and whether they fertalise or not may be really scary but so far it’s been easier than I thought it would be…there is a light at the end of this tunnel and for once I don’t feel like it’s an on-coming train!!

Aunt Flo has already left, she really didn’t stay long this time round…hopefully it’s her way of saying good-bye for the next 9 months….let’s hope....

Day 1 Stims...

2007-05-25T15:19:00.000+02:00

Aunt flo came yesterday afer much anticipation!! And so I am on CD2 today and that means the start of Stims!! I've just arrived back from the doctors and am pleased to say that I got it wrong (again)... when they gave me all the info for the IVF it said that there would be Meno.pur x 3 for 10 days...and so, like a doofus and someone who hasn't done injectables before, I thought that it would be 3 injections a day, I was wrong....it's only one injection of Meno.pur a day....but 3 ampules of Meno.pur in one, so that actually makes it 225iu of Meno.pur daily. They also gave me the choice of having a intra-muscular or sub-cu injection, I chose the sub-cu (obviously). Anyway, so i'll be doing those and still be doing my Lucrin shots daily.

I must say that the Meno.pur injections aren't as pleasant as the Lu.crin as the needles are a bit thicker and blunter so they feel like they going through leather when piercing the skin and they burn when the liquid goes in. I think these ones are going to leave bruises...oh well. I've also got a slight head-ache already but I think I'll just try and increase my fluids, all in all...really not as bad as I thought...I CAN DO THIS!!!

Had a scan too and that was all fine, had to have more blood tests too and have been given a script for Antibiotics for Frank and I to start. My scan is on CD9 (next fri) to see how the follies are doing and to decide how many more days I need stimms for, so they've given me a huge pack of needles and meds etc for another 6 days, the morning of CD9 I have my Lu.crin and they scan me and then they give you the Meno.pur daily from then on (if you need it) until about CD11, retrieval will then be two days later so should be around the 5th or 6th of June, things are moving along nicely now!!

Other than that life has been quiet, I’ve been feeling quite emotional and have been very moody over the last week but they said that I should start feeling better now that my ovaries are allowed to start doing something…

I am scared about a few things but I keep trying to remind myself that loads of women have been through IVF (and succeeded) and that I am not the first to feel this way, it’s all going so fast anyway so I’m sure that before I know it we going to have two or more embies on board.

We haven’t decided on the ICSI yet, it’s still a constant niggle at the back of my mind but I’m trying not to think about it until closer to the time, right now I just wanna make some nice follies!!

Grow follies….please grow nice and strong for us…

8 Random things about me....

2007-05-22T15:56:00.000+02:00

I am not just a control freak…I am a little bit obsessive compulsive, now don’t get me wrong – I don’t go around double checking doors and windows, I trust that if I’ve switched the stove off that I have and don’t have to check again BUT I do make sure that everything I wear is colour coded…for instance when I come home at night and have a shower, I get into my jammies and when I get into my jammies I make sure that if my jammies are pink that I have pink underwear and pink socks and a pink elastic in my hair, now this gets rather difficult at times but if I can’t match the colours then I don’t wear them. I’m not quite as bad with normal clothes but do tend to try and match my underwear & jewelry to what I am wearing. Frank and his friends think that this is hilarious and they always tease me about it. Everything has it’s place in my house, if anything is out of place then it drives me crazy, Frank is forever telling me to leave things and just sit down but it bugs me until I do it…

I have very sensitive ears, I am forever getting ear infections. I hate a persistent noise, like blinds blowing in the wind (I have to get up and close the window) and crickets in the summer….in fact I sleep with cotton wool in my ears or my pillow over my head most of the summer, they drive me absolutely dilly. I’ll say to Frank, “Oh can you hear those crickets, they so loud” and he actually has to strain to hear them, he just blocks it out and I never can. I have had many sleepless nights over crickets, I hate the damn things!!

My very first love was only when I was 15, we dated for almost 4 years before we broke up, I thought I would spend forever with him….I then went on to date a good friend and we dated for 4 years as well and eventually got engaged, that relationship was doomed for many reasons and I am so glad that I never married him….both these relationships taught me a lot about what I wanted out of life….I took out all the bad things and kept only the good and married Frank who has made me happier than any of them ever could!!! I also knew Frank for 5 years before we started dating and we met at work….

I had a brief period of depression where I was on anti-depressants and sleeping tablets every day, I lost a huge amount of weight and had to see a physcologist for quite some time, this taught me a lot about life and although it was hard to go through, I am grateful for the experience, it also taught me the you can fight anything if you have the will to do so, sometimes you need to get up and dust yourself off no matter what, we all have the strength hidden inside us!!

I went to 13 school’s growing up, my parents where always on the move between JHB and Durbs, it was hard but somehow I managed to pass every standard (grade) with okay’ish marks. It was hard moving all the time and leaving my friends behind but I also think that’s why I fit in so well with people that I don’t know and I make friends quite quickly too. I only have one school friend that I still keep in touch with as a result of this…she was a bridesmaid (the middle one) at my wedding…

I sleep with a pillow next to me, it’s a childhood thing – it doesn’t matter whether Frank is there or not, my pillow is always on my one side (the side Frank doesn’t sleep) – I just can’t sleep without it there…I try and take an extra pillow with me on holiday too….wierd I know.

I have a sixth sense when it comes to friends and family being pregnant, I either have a dream that they are or I just get a feeling and 9 out of 10 times I am right, sometimes before they even know. It doesn’t work with everyone, just people that I am close to…it’s very weird and only started about 3 years ago, I have spoken to a Reiki master about this and she says that it’s just because I so desperately want to be pregnant that I sense if others are….believe it or not….another weird thing.

I am terribly scared of heights and get the most terrible vertigo, it’s terrible because it seems to be getting worse since I’ve gotten older. I have problems with escaltors now days too. I don’t like flying either, I’ve only flown twice but don’t think it’s anything I’ll ever enjoy…

That’s part of me in a nutshell, some useless info….

Started getting that heavy feeling, cramps and backache today…I think Aunt Flo is on here way….wooo hooo!

Cycle update

2007-05-22T08:53:00.000+02:00

I finished my BCP on Sunday so am waiting for AF as we speak….I am also on day 6 of my Lu.crin injections already, time seems to be flying now. Frank has been such a sweetie and so good with the injections, they really do make us proud. I am such a woes when it comes to these things but Frank is so calm and steady, I couldn’t believe it when they made him do the very first injection, she just showed him how to put the mixture in the syringe and instructed him how to do it and he did it with no problem at all. What a sweetie!!

The shots are really not bad at all, they not the nicest thing around but I could really think of worse aswell. They don’t leave any marks or bruises at all which is nice I suppose, they really just go right under the skin and not straight in like I imagined….I was sitting at my desk this morning thinking about how normal I am feeling, I know many people have said that Lu.crin turned them into a big puddle of tears and so I was sitting thinking about how nice it is not have many side effects, I have the od twinge in my abdomen now and again and my boobs are still killing me but that’s about it, oh and I have a tad more CM than I normally have but other than that I have escaped quite well….so far….so I thought….

Now, like I said in my I am post…I am strong and have a mind of my own but when it comes to work and certain things in life, I just plod along and do what others want of me just to keep the peace or be nice….I have been working in this position for about 3 years now and get along with everyone very very well, I do as much as I can and more just to make others lives pleasant and less care free, I am a very fast learner and therefore have learnt all the systems and parts of others jobs…to my own detrement, I say this because I am constantly being asked to help with something or fill in for someone etc. This has been fine and has sometimes gotten to me but generally I am happy go lucky….but I have finally had enough and like I was saying to a friend of mine, I am not sure if it’s that or if it’s the hormones, anyway….I put them in their place today and said that from now on I have my own work to do and will not be “helping them out” anymore and that it that. So needless to say, I am not in their good books anymore and quite frankly my dears, I don’t give a damn. Take that you lazy mofo’s!!!

I was reading Adrienne’s post yesterday and just want to say that I am so sad, sad and angry for all of us having to travel this road, it’s shit. Adrienne is battling with the IVF decision after another failed cycle, go over and give her a virtual hug. I can’t say how much I wish that we were all somewhere else in life and that this was not our cross to bear, I so wish that we didn’t have these decisions to make about whether or not to do IVF and wondering whether we are making the right decisions and whether the odds that they give us are enough. It made me think that even tho we made the decision to do IVF really quickly – it may have seemed like an easy choice for us – but I am still really sad that we’ve had to go this route and scared, scared of all the possibilities and all the things that can wrong, I am also scared of the failure that might come at the end but I have to keep reminding myself that this was one choice that was easier to make than to stop. It was either IVF or stopping, I couldn’t handle doing more IUI’s – I had no faith in them anymore anyway…this is a shit choice to make but for most of us there is no other choice and we just need to hope and pray that for once we will be in the positive part of those odds.

I have also been tagged to post 8 random things about me…I will get to that…promise!

I've got mail and other stuff...

2007-05-17T06:56:00.000+02:00

I have received 3 post cards from ladies in the Braces bunch!! Thanks so much ladies…I’m getting on top of sending mine, I promise…life has been hectic lately.

I have also decided to join the ladies in their quest to give up caffeine (thanks to Stickybun)…..my reflexologist advised that I only drink one cuppa a day once starting my Lu.crin, no Rooibos for me as it’s too acidic, no green tea (way too much caffeine) and no normal tea either….so, it’s water and watered down fruit juice for me from today. She said that I can still drink a tea called “Honeybush” so I might try doing that….I also have to increase my fluid intake to 3 litres a day once starting my Lu.crin so getting used to all this is going to a bit of a mission, I have already cut down to one cup of coffee a day and drink around 2 litres of water a day anyway so we’ll see how it goes….

Other than that I am feeling fine (except for the fact that I hardly slept last night and I could have slept for another hour and a half at least but here I am), a bit nervous about todays Dr's visit but also excited too. I was also wrong about another thing, I have to finish the two pills in the red section on the other side of the pack aswell, so all in all….I’ll be on BCP for 21 days…I figure AF will take two or three days to show her face so I expect to start my meno.pur sometime next week…things are moving along here ladies….this train goes way faster than I expected!!! I have also started yogalates (a mix of yoga and pillates) three times a week and am seeing my reflexologist once a week until my ET…other than that life is just dandy!

I still have excruciatingly sore boobies which nothing seems to help, but I think it’s just from the BCP...

Frank also told me for the first time that he is scared of doing this IVF, the other night we were lying in bed just cuddling and talking and he said it, I was actually taken aback a bit because it came from no-where…all of a sudden…"Babe, I’m scared of doing this IVF" and so I asked why (duh, prolly the same friggin’ reason’s I’m scared but I’m not the brightest at the best of times) and he said that he’s scared the it doesn’t work, he’s scared of not being able to afford it soon again, he’s scared of more hurt and he’s scared for me – scared that I’m not going to be okay if this fails….I almost cried but for a change I just held him and said that it was all going to be okay and we will be, we will be okay…somehow we’ll get through this like we always do, together.

I think that it’s finally starting to hit home now, my BCP is almost finished and it’s injection time…he’s worried about me, how I’m going get through all this but I’m stronger than he thinks and I have him to love me and I have you guys too….I’m extremely thankful for all that.

I've also been very busy organising a (work - from our company) baby shower for a friend at work, it's been difficult (not for my own selfish reasons) but because she's so damn picky...this is her second baby and she know's exactly what she likes and doesn't like and you would think that's easy...well, it's not. It's been a rather trying experience for me and thankfully it'll be over by the end of the day!! I'm really not as patient as I used to be with people. Then I have her home baby shower to attend this weekend and another one after that (my cousin and his 15yr old girlfriend are expecting next month - yeah - nice one, don't let me even start on that one)...so my weekend is going to be rather interesting but I'll be strong and get through with a smile on my face - even if it is a fake one!!!

Excuse all the dots in between the lines, if I don't do that then everything is merged into one...oh the joy of technology, Frank says that there is a setting that is wrong but nothing has changed - damn computers!!

I AM....

2007-05-14T13:55:00.000+02:00

Sticky bun has tagged me for the I am game, I’m trying to be honest here and share the good and not so good things about me….here goes:

I am a control freak – no need to say more
I am a perfectionist - most times I drive myself crazy, nevermind others!!
I am very stubborn – most times cutting off my nose to spite my face
I am very set in my ways and like my routines
I am a great believer in getting on with things, I don’t like pathetic people - bearing in mind that there are levels of “pathetic-ness”
I am a bitch at the best of times
I am an extremely faithfull wife, friend and sister
I am a fun loving extravert
I am way too hard on myself
I am self-conscious although most would never say
I am a thinker – I over think EVERYTHING
I am very independent but can’t live without my husband
I am totally in love with romance and being in love
I am very trusting, I’ll give everyone fair chance before deciding otherwise
I am a fighter and I am strong, but get disappointed and hurt easily too
I am impatient
I am going to be a great mom one day
I am infertile but my infertility does not define me...I am still me and I am happy....

The aim of the game is to tag 5 of you who I would like to know more about….you’re it ladies…

Baby Blues
Mands
Debs
Aunt Sassy
Carrie

I am glad to have found all of you!!

Putting all my eggs in one basket??

2007-05-12T09:06:00.000+02:00

I have spent the last few days in a bit of a daze, all this info is floating around in my head and I’ve really tried not to over-analyze everything too much…now that really takes ultra control on my part and is not easy for me.

And then I got the phone call this morning from Christina, our nurse at Vita.lab saying that she had spoken to one of the IVF doctors and he said that if we want he is happy to do ICSI on half our eggs – flat spin, oh fuck what to do, what to do. So, I said thank you *.

Another thing I discovered yesterday whilst looking at my IVF paperwork and protocol details is that I started BCP on CD4 (because that’s what the other nurse told me to do the day I went for my bloods) anyway, I was supposed to start on CD3 according to Christina’s paperwork, I told Frank and he said that he was sure that it made no difference, well…I happened to think it did and so when Christina phoned me this morning I asked her about it and just clarified when I should go for my first Lu.crin shot, she said that I should start Lu.crin a day later (mmmm, I was right again, take that Frank!!) and then said, so we’ll see you on Thursday then, I was like “huh, I thought I was supposed to come on Tuesday then, I’ll be on CD19 then already and then she proceeded to explain to me that I must start my Lu.crin on the 18th day on birth control and not the 18th day of my cycle….oh, light switch – this is complicated stuff!! So anyway, I start my Lu.crin injections on Thursday next week then. I will have 1 BCP left then and hopefully it wont take too long for AF to show (never thought you’d hear me say the eh?).

Now, that’s all fine, I’ve worked things out best I can and it seems that I will have my ER and ET in the first week of June (we all know that this can change)….geez, that’s like just around the corner, my dilemma*, however ~ is now deciding whether to do ICSI at all. You see, when we had out IVF appt the other day, I spoke to Christina about it and she that with a case like ours they shouldn’t need to do it and that my eggs should have no problem fertilizing at all as there is no male factor involved…however, we have learnt differently here in blogland (we just have to look at Bumble and Sarah to see that you don’t need to have a male factor involved for the eggs not to fertilize)…she also went to on say that the success rates are lower with ICSI and that once you start fiddling with the eggs you can’t be sure that they are going to survive the procedure…so now, dear friends here in blogland, I am confused, I have no idea how I feel about this whole thing…I actually prefer not being given a choice sometimes.

I think that what we need to do is speak to the Dr and get his opinion for one and for two, we need to wait and see how many eggs we get, if we get a decent amount then there will be no question, obviously if the rest fertilize naturally then we’ll use those first but at least we wont be putting all our eggs in one basket, so to speak. Please let me know what ya’ll think and what you guys would do given the choice, I really value your opinion…

Oh Oh, I have sore-est (yes, I know that's not word) boobies that I have ever had, now I know real boobie pain, friggin hell, they hurt not having anything against them and they hurt having something against them, geez man I had a terrible nights sleep because of the damn things, must be the pill...

IVF Protocol

2007-05-08T20:02:00.000+02:00

I have finally had my IVF appointment and must say that I am relieved that I now have a plan...in writing that is...it goes something like this:

CD4 - Start Minu.lette (BCP)
CD18 - Start Lu.crin injections (in tummy)
CD22 - Take last pill
CD25 - Period starts
CD26 - Start Meno.pur injections (stimms) 3 x day
CD34 - First scan to check follies
CD36 - Possibly last day of Meno.pur injections
CD36 - Pre and post trigger E2 & P4 Bloods
CD37 - Possibly last Lu.crin injection
CD38 - Trigger
CD40 - Egg Retrieval
CD43 or CD45 (depending on embie quality etc.) - Embryo transfer
Cylco.gest (prog) from day after transfer (twice daily) until Beta
Estra.pause from day 5 after transfer until Beta
Beta - 13 days after transfer

They don't use Gon.al F...strange, but all clinics are different, they haven't given me the dosage of the Mono.pur but I asked what the highest was and they said 6 injections a day so they starting me half way which isn't bad either, they may or may not change the dosage as time goes by....have to see how my ovaries react I suppose - She did say they normally get about 10-12 eggs on this dosage but it does differ from person to person.

So that's it gals, looks pretty simple and straight forward to me....I did ask them about doing ICSI on half the eggs but they said that they would only do that if there was a problem with the eggs or the sperm on the day, they also said that since the only problem is the endo and one narrowing tube (found this out today...how nice, they don't actually think the eggs were making it to my ute) the eggs should fertalise fine, they also told us that they only freeze the good quality eggs, which will be decided on the day of transfer. They do also do Assisted hatching if there is a need to...they will let us know, however they did say that most times they needed to do that with women older than me who's eggs are different...time will tell.

We also got a pleasant surprise, the whole IVF is costing about R8 000 less than what we expected, now that was a nice surprise. I am more than ready now and feeling on top of the world at the mo....roll on Lu.crin....first shot on monday!!!

My prayers tonight...

2007-05-07T20:30:00.000+02:00

I am VERY happy to say that I am feeling much much better all of a sudden, nothing like a weekend of relaxing to sort me out. I am not nearly as teary and full of shit as I was last week and glad to say that the hormones feel like they are settling too! I’ve still been thinking about IVF a lot and have come to the conclusion that I am making way too big a deal about all of this and that I should choose to feel better about it and move on now, and so…that is what I aim to do. IVF….so what, I’m really just another statistic in this game we call infertility….I CAN DO THIS….it may still be scary and I may still have my off days but I will be fine and we gonna make loads of excellent quality embies and they gonna grow nice and strong and become our future babies – now take that!!

One more sleep to go until our IVF appointment, I really can’t wait, I like to know all the “in’s and out’s” uhem – so to speak – of what’s happening and when. I think (hope) that I’ll feel even better and a bit more in control…hehehe….yeah yeah, you don’t have to say it. I also realized this morning that I am half way into my BCP, only half a pack to go now, my goodness me…where is the time going?

On another, more stranger note….I have a little story to tell you all, it goes something like this:

Today I was sitting at my desk and in walked on of my colleagues, a lovely lady with whom I really don’t have many dealings but we chat (about the weather and arb things – nothing really personal going there) and I have never mentioned IF to her before, I have mentioned that I would like children one day but that’s about it….okay, mind wandering here….anyway, she came into my office and said that she thought about me while she was in church on the weekend…mmm, okay lady…you have my interest.

They were sitting in church and their pastor was telling them a story about a man that lived in a one horse town, a town that didn’t know about God, and somehow, one day he was told about God, so now that he had learnt about God and all that he could do, he wanted to tell everyone about our wonderful god, so every night he would pray to God and ask him for a bicycle, it was a simple request and every night he carried on praying for a bicycle and couldn’t understand why God did not answer his prayers. After all, the only reason he wanted a bicycle was so that he could ride and tell people about God. After months of praying he ran into a man, and the man said that God had sent him to speak to him about his bicycle, the man told him that God wanted to send him a bicycle but that there were so many bicycles to choose from and that God did not know which on he wanted, he said that he needed to be specific. And so he told God, he told him what colour he wanted and what make it should be and lo and behold he got his bicycle, he went on to tell the world about God and lived his dream. And so, you might be wondering (as I was) how this message made her think about me…well, she told me that she knows (through that lovely grapevine I mentioned in a previous post) that we are battling to have a baby and she wants to tell me that I mustn’t just ask God for a baby, I need to tell him that I want a baby before a certain date and that it must be twins/ a boy or a girl etc, I need to stop beating around the bush and be specific about what I want…nice thought and so I’m going to give it a try….tonight, I am going to ask God for a baby, just one baby (if he wants to give me two at once then great), I am going to ask him to make this IVF work and that I want all my embies to survive so that I have a second chance one day. I’m going to tell him that I don’t want to spend another Christmas wondering when my baby/ies will come, I want to be pregnant this Christmas. We’ll see how this works, I’m ready to try anything and the thought is sweet….whad’ya think gals?

Also, can somebody explain this eating pineapple thing to me, I’ve heard of it but haven’t quite got the jist of it?? Anyone?